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I have this "disorder" dubbed anxiety

In the middle of the night, it grabs a hold of me

I cannot sleep

Overwhelmed, I weep

I'm ashamed, I cannot let anyone see

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My leg bounces up and down as I look out the car window while Ethan drives. We're on our way to counseling right now and I am nervous. Even with Ethan accompanying me, I still have this sinking feeling in my stomach. I want to get help and I'm willing to work to become better at coping, but I'm afraid of my own mind. I'm afraid that it'll finally click with Ethan that there isn't really a cure and that it'll make him unhappy. He promised he won't leave me, but what if he comes to regret this promise? What if he suffers? He loves me and I love him, but sometimes you can get tired and overwhelmed by everything. Hopefully, he'll tell me whenever he is and I'll work my hardest to make sure it doesn't get too bad.

The car parks and I feel Ethan's hand on my leg, effectively stopping it from bouncing. He looks into my eyes, his expression gentle and loving. "You'll be okay, Charlie. All you have to do is talk to them."

"Yeah." I force a grin and exit the car, walking around to help him out and grasp his hand in a death grip.

He smiles at me and squeezes back, leading me into the building and into a small waiting room. He sits down on a couch and pulls me next to him.

I rest my head against Ethan's shoulder. "Have you been to counseling before with your brother?" I play with his hand.

He nods. "Yeah. It was a little hard for Ry to open up at first, but over time it got better. They have your best interest in mind."

"Do they?" I ask. "Are you ever scared that they just act like they care because they want your money?"

"Yeah. That's why it might take a while to find the right one sometimes. Plus, even if they are acting, it's still helpful." Ethan shrugs.

"Okay. Can we get ice cream or something afterwards?" I start kissing his hand lazily.

"Yeah, anything you want, baby." He smiles.

"Charles King?" A female holding a clipboard asks.

"Y-Yes, that's me." I stand up and pull Ethan with me, following her to her office. I stand awkwardly.

"You can get comfortable." She smiles, holding a hand out for me.

I shake it and then quickly grab Ethan's hand again.

Ethan pulls me gently over to a couch and sits us down. "It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm Ethan, Charlie's boyfriend. I hope you don't mind if I sit in."

I kiss his hand. "T-That's allowed... right? I want him with me..."

"That's perfectly fine." She smiles at me. "My name is Fiona."

"I go by Charlie..."

Ethan squeezes my hand supportively.

"How are you feeling, Charlie?" She asks me.

"I... uh... empty, I guess. It's not as bad now as it was..."

"How was it before?"

"Impossible to deal with." I look away from them. "I was lonely and hopeless and I... I tried to kill myself. I got out of the hospital not too long ago and had to come here. I'm hoping I can... I don't know... I can't be healed, but I want to feel more in control and I don't want Ethan to have to worry."

"It's okay, Charlie. I don't want you to worry about me worrying. This is about you and getting you what you need." Ethan reassures me.

Fiona nods. "Have you suicide proofed the house?"

"Um, not like full on, but I keep his medicine and razor in my room." Ethan explains.

"What did you use?"

"What he hid."

"Then shouldn't all bladed objects be hidden?" She narrows her eyes.

"I can do that. I just didn't want him to feel like I was babying him, as that's been an issue in the past." Ethan looks between us.

"Everything? Does he have to?" I ask.

She nods. "That would be the most beneficial to your health."

"B-But, I cook and everything. I promised I won't do it again." I frown.

"Charlie, you're still at risk. That's a promise you can't make right now. You've already hurt yourself. I'm sorry, but this is something that has to be done."

I fight the urge to cry and bury myself in Ethan. "Okay... I want to get better..."

"Have you had any thoughts of harming yourself or others since leaving the hospital?"

"No. I couldn't do that to everyone again."

Ethan rubs my back soothingly, holding me close.

"Then how else do you feel, Charlie? Has anything else come to your attention?" Fiona asks.

"I... my brother... he mentioned anxiety one time, so I was wondering..." I play with Ethan's hand.

She seems skeptical, but nods, flipping through her clipboard. She hands me a self questionnaire to fill out and I do so and she asks me the exact same questions that Xander asked me with his pocket edition DSM. I say yes to practically everything, suddenly feeling very self conscious.

"Your brother is surprisingly right." She smiles. "I hope he uses this skill."

"Y-Yeah, me too." I bite my lip.

She smiles and does the same with different depressive disorders before settling on the best fit.

"Major depressive disorder..." I echo. "Sounds... daunting..."

"It is a scary name, isn't it?" She gives me a reassuring thumbs up. "Don't worry, Charlie. We'll tackle this beast together."

"Yeah... we will... I'm guessing that you're going to uh... medicate me...?"

Ethan chuckles. "She can't do anything you don't want her too, babe."

"I'm just... it's yeah. Will I become dependent?" I ask. "Addiction kinda runs in my family..." I remember my liquor cabinet and force it out of my mind.

Ethan rubs my arm, looking over with understanding eyes.

"You seem strong and you have a good support system." She smiles at Ethan. She begins to explain different medications. I say no to most of them, wary of the side effects, especially the ones with suicidal thoughts because that's the opposite of what I want. It takes a lot of patience and time and even a little bit of help from Ethan, but we figure out a course of action.

"You're okay with the blood test?" She asks for confirmation.

"It seems the safest and I don't want to cut any corners on my mental health. If this blood test is going to figure out what medications will react the best, then I'll do it." I squeeze Ethan's hand.

"Two weeks from now sound good to you to meet again? As long as you get the blood test done in time, we'll be able to go over the data together."

I nod and shake her hand. "Thank you."

"Yes, thank you so much." Ethan shakes her hand as well.

I hand her the card that Dad told me to use and keep my expression stoic as she does what she has to do before I get my card back. I thank her again and pull Ethan back to the car.

"That was so stressful."

"You did amazing." He hugs me.

"Thanks. I felt really self conscious the whole time. It was weird. Mental health is just... hard to talk about. You're so bright all the time that it's kinda... I dunno, makes me feel darker." I bite my lip.

"It's not dark, Charlie. It's a reality that you live with. I've been through a lot of this with my brother and he stays very open about his mental health. It doesn't need to be something scary or taboo." He kisses my hand.

"You're so optimistic and bubbly." I chuckle. "I love that about you. I'll try and be happy again, okay?"

"Bubbly?" He chuckles. "Charlie, I don't want you to pretend. I love all of you, even you when you're not happy."

"I hid my depression and everything from you... that's when you fell in love with me..."

"And I'm staying in love with you." He looks into my eyes. "I knew there were things you wouldn't tell me. All I ever wanted was to know them and now that I do I plan to support you."

Wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in him, I hide my tears. "Can we go get ice cream now please?"

"Absolutely." He kisses my temple and pulls away to start the car, pulling both our seatbelts on. One hand holds mine while the other drives.

"Thank you. Is there anything you want to do afterwards?" I bite my lip and rub my thumb along the back of his hand.

"Nothing in particular. We can do whatever you want to." He smiles softly.

"What if I want to do everything you want to?" I ask.

He chuckles. "All I want is to be close to you."

"Asshole." I scoff. "Always trying to please me."

"I love pleasing you." He smirks.

"So do I." I stick my tongue out. "You're giving too much."

"You took me back in. That's giving enough." He promises and parks in front of my favorite ice cream shop.

I blush. "It'll always be our home and I couldn't bear living there without you. I didn't give anything."

"Charlie." He says seriously, turning towards me. "Seeing you every morning gives me a reason to get up. You've made my life so much better and you continue to do so all the time. You have given me everything, your love, your home, even your fluffy daughter." He smiles. "I couldn't ask for more. All I'll ever need is you."

"I... Thank you." I lean over the console and kiss him. "Just promise that I can treat you sometimes. You're my boyfriend now. Let me treat you like one." I bite his bottom lip.

"Okay," He pecks me. "You can treat me sometimes."

I hop out of the car and greet him at the other side, my elbow extended. "Ready, loverboy?"

"Loverboy?" He smirks. "I like that, cupcake." Instead of taking my elbow, he throws his arm over my shoulder.

I grin and walk inside to check out the menu. "I'm buying."

"Aw, so I took my mom's card for nothing?" He whines.

"You took your mom's card?!" I smack his hand lightly. "Bad boy."

"Rude, making assumptions." He scoffs. "She gave it to me to get groceries and shit for the kids. I just never gave it back."

"You can give it back when we go to meet her." I hum, picking something small in case I get sick.

"That's what I was thinking." He nods and gets a triple scoop sundae.

I pick the same table that we sat at for my birthday and then frown, my mood dropping.

Ethan nudges me. "What's up?"

"We came here on my birthday. We sat here on my birthday." I bite my lip.

"Oh, shit." He reaches his hand across the table. "We had a lot of fun that day before... I don't want that day to be tainted forever."

"Me neither, but I don't know how to fix it. I mean, you don't celebrate your birthday either so maybe we'll just be that type of couple."

He nods. "I wish I could take it all back, I really do." He sighs. "But I'll make up for it for the rest of our lives."

"Yeah. Definitely went from best birthday to worst birthday." I start folding a napkin.

"Let's sit somewhere else. Today is a good day too, try not to think about it."

Nodding, I move to the opposite side of the parlor and rest my head on my crossed arms.

Ethan bumps up next to me. "You have me now. I'm never leaving again."

"I know. I just missed you a lot." I blush and lean against him.

"I missed you too." He closes his eyes. "So much."

"I feel special." I chuckle and smile at and thank the person who serves our ice cream.

"You are special. You're my fiancé."

"Oh yeah..." My blush darkens. "You're not going to introduce me as your fiancé, are you?"

"No, no one will know 'till it's done." He kisses my head.

"Too bad I have to be healthier before we do it and I still gotta find rings."

"We can ring shop together." He smiles.

"I want it to be a surprise, but if that's what you want, then definitely." I hum, wondering if I should properly propose.

"If you want to surprise me then I get to surprise you." He smirks.

"You're going to buy me a ring? Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure." He nods determinedly.

"Then we'll get married once we have the rings. We can pretend to be married before then." I giggle.

"Hell yeah, sounds like a plan." He kisses me and digs into his ice cream.

"Yeah, it does." I smile contently.

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