______________________________

I'm scared

You've left me before, I can handle no more

A childlike need has wrapped itself around me

Ethan, Ethan, Ethan,

All I need is you

Let me hold on to you

You can hold on to me

Let's make this permanent

Marry me

I want you to marry me

Please, don't leave

I can't handle it if you leave—

______________________________

I stare at the ceiling as Ethan sleeps beside me. My sleeping pattern has been hectic lately and I haven't been getting much sleep. I've been getting better, but certain things have been getting worse according to Xander and my therapist.

"You need to learn how to be apart from him, Charlie. You need to trust that he isn't going anywhere."

Today, we're supposed to see my therapist together. The last visit, I had a little one-on-one time with Kelly about my anxieties and she told me that we can fix them, but to do it, I have to learn to do something that is terrifying.

I have to let Ethan go and trust that he'll come back to me despite knowing what I'm really like now.

Whenever I think about it, I get this itchy, uncomfortable sensation. I don't want to be alone and despite me hating being treated like a child and having Ethan coddle me, I love it at the same time because the fact that he's so close reminds me that he's here. Last time he wasn't here, I ended up dying on the bathroom floor.

Ethan moves suddenly and wraps his legs around my body, effectively bringing us skin to skin once again. "Good morning, cupcake."

"Good morning, Superstar. How did you sleep?" I ask, my eyes feeling heavy.

"Good. It's surprisingly comfortable, being dressed up like your pretty little slut." He nibbles my earlobe.

"Mmm. I love dressing up for you too. It makes me feel so good knowing you want me." I wrap my arms around him. "You're really pretty in it, but I love you naked too."

"We should buy more things to dress up in one day, do some roleplay." Ethan giggles.

"I already have a lot of outfits for myself." I smirk.

"That's my Charlie, always prepared." He kisses my cheek.

"Mhmm. I have all kinds of outfits. I have cowboy things, obviously, pirate stuff, old western styled prostitute clothing, and all different types." I breathe. "We have therapy today, well, it's me, but you know."

"Damn, just when I'm about to start humping your leg." He jokes. "I'll be happy to take you, as always."

"Can you come inside too?"

He laces our fingers together. "Absolutely, baby, anything you need."

"You say that now..."

He squeezes my hand. "I mean it."

"I don't know if you're going to like what we're going to say, Ethan."

"That's ominous... you're not breaking up with me, are you?" He asks, suddenly worried.

"I wouldn't have fucked you if that was the case, Ethan." I nuzzle him. "It's bad, but not that bad."

"Okay." Ethan nods and nuzzles me back. "It's okay."

"You, uh... slept for a while. We need to leave in thirty minutes and we haven't eaten breakfast yet." I hold back a laugh.

He smirks. "What can I say? You dicked me down good." He leans in to whisper, "by the way, your cum is still inside me."

I blush so much that even my ears turn red. "Ethan! We need to go! You slutty cowboy." I escape his grasp and kiss his forehead and dick before running off to find clothes. "We need to both shower, Ethan!"

"Why can't I go to therapy with a plug up my ass?" He calls back.

"Don't sexualize my therapy session! It's going to be weird when you find out what you're there for." I find an outfit for myself and quickly find one for Ethan, throwing it on his face. "You're still on the coooouch."

He gets up, laughing, and limps to his room with the shirt still on his head.

"Take a shower! You smell like me and sex!" I giggle.

"But that's my favorite smell!" He whines, but I hear the shower turn on.

I bite my lip and glare at my armband before running to the bathroom and opening the door. "I'm joining you. I mean, may I join you?"

"Thank god." Ethan says and slides the curtain for me. "Charlie, I have no idea how to clean out my ass."

I look at my armband. "How would you feel if I left my band on in the shower?"

His expression softens. "That's okay, Charlie, just make sure you don't turn into a raisin."

I step into the shower and get on my knees. "I'll help you out, Ethan."

My boyfriend blushes. "Thanks, baby."

I remove the plug and practically finger him, getting everything out. My eyes watch my semen run down his body and down the drain and I sigh contently before using soap and water. "I want you to cover me in your cum one day," I mumble to myself.

"I would love to." Ethan says huskily.

I grin and kiss his ass when I finish. "Really?"

"Absolutely." Ethan tugs my hair a bit and helps me up. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I eye his hair. "Can I wash it?"

Ethan smiles and leans down. "Sure, baby."

Bouncing giddily, I begin to lather my shampoo into his hair, massaging his scalp and humming. "I know it's strange, but I love having my hands in your hair."

"That's not strange, it's soft as fuck. I love having your hands in my hair too. And you're really good at massaging..." his eyes flutter closed.

"I'm good at pretty much all massages. I had to learn to get good." I rinse his hair and begin to condition it. "Sports left me sore."

"You should give me one sometime." He suggests.

"When you deserve one." I stick my tongue out and quickly begin on my hair, moving out of the water so he can wash his body.

Ethan does so, sighing at his shaven genitals.

"Look how pretty your balls are." I try and lift his mood. "That'll be the last time they're waxed. I'll help you keep them from getting too wild. It was weird not having hair there to suffocate myself with."

"You make me weak, Charlie King." Ethan chuckles. "If you like them so much, maybe I should shove them in your ass too." He kisses my neck seductively.

"Yes." I work on conditioning my hair.

"Consider it noted." Ethan pulls back and rinses himself off.

"I'm so giddy with excitement. I can't wait."

♥︎ • ♦︎ • ♣︎ • ♠︎

"I'm so anxious. How about we go home and I call in sick?" I stare at the building.

"Nope." Ethan plants his feet. "We gotta do this, Charlie. I know you can."

"I'll blow you."

"Tempting, but no." Ethan rubs my arm. "You're so strong Charlie, nothing she could ever say in that room could ruin us."

I grab his hand and step into the building and sit in the waiting room, Kelly waving at us.

"Charlie, Ethan, nice to see you!" She grins and I get up and robotically follow her to her office, my grip on Ethan tightening.

Ethan keeps a relaxed expression. "Nice to see you too, Kelly."

She smiles and sits across from us after I sit down. "Today is a big day."

I stare at the floor. "Y-Yeah."

"He's been pretty anxious about whatever it is you've been planning." Ethan tells her.

Kelly just nods sympathetically. "What he is feeling is valid."

I look up at Ethan and swallow. "I have separation anxiety."

Ethan nods and looks to Kelly. "I'm sorry, I'm not entirely sure what that means."

"Separation anxiety is when the person affected gets anxious when separated from those they care about. It's common in children, but Charlie has it and—"

"It's you who I get anxious about. I'm attached to you," I finish.

"Oh." Ethan doesn't let go of my hand. "What can I do to help? Should we get married so I don't have the choice to leave?"

Kelly shakes her head. "That would actually make it worse, I'm afraid. It would enable the behavior."

"You need to leave me more." I frown and stare at my purple high tops, feeling like a kid because I mentally am one. "You have to get a job."

Ethan nods in understanding. "So, like, when I go to the grocery store, and you decide to come every time, I should stop letting you come?"

I make a strangled sound in my throat and squeeze his hand.

"Sometimes," Kelly says. "Not all the time, though. Charlie needs company, but he's become too dependent on it."

"I'm scared that you won't come back. I'm scared that you'll either choose not to or you'll get in another accident and I'll lose you."

Ethan looks me in the eyes. "I would never choose to leave you."

I look at Kelly and then start playing with my shirt. "I have... exes... not just Michael..."

"What do you mean?" Ethan asks gently.

"I have exes and I didn't think they'd be exes. They were really supportive until they weren't. I've been dumped before because of my depression. I've been cheated on and then told that I... I deserved it because... because, 'I'm hard to deal with with all of the depression, asthma attacks, and panic attacks.' It's part of the reason, no, it is the reason why I stopped dating." Tears slip down my face and roll off onto the plastic toes of my shoes. "I'm hard to deal with. I'm high maintenance and it's a fact. It takes a lot to be with me, and I know that."

Ethan wipes my tears with his thumbs. "I understand now, Charlie. I'm so sorry those people did this to you. But I can handle you and I'll do anything to help you, even if that means giving you some time alone. I will always come back."

"You'll always come back," I echo. "You'll always come back and we'll eventually get married."

"Yes." Ethan squeezes my hand.

"Does it make you uncomfortable... the fact that I attempted...?" I ask.

"It doesn't make me uncomfortable, it only makes me sad." Ethan admits.

"Are you scared he'll try again?" Kelly asks. "Because you've also been really close without Charlie's prompting."

"I... I'm scared to leave him too. I hurt him once, I can't do it again. I don't think he'll try again, but he'll hurt. I wanted to prove that I'll stay, that I really do love him." Ethan tells us truthfully.

My chest tightens and I bury my face in his neck. "I don't want you to get a job."

Ethan pets my head. "I know, baby, but if Kelly says this is what's best for you, we have to try."

"Can you get a job close by? Can I come with you to get an application... please?"

Ethan looks to Kelly. "Tony's dad owns an auto and truck repair shop. He'll give me a job if I ask."

"Tony's dad?" I choke.

Ethan takes my hands again to calm me. "Yes, he's nothing like his son. I promise."

"B-But we put Tony in prison and I... I you know what his..." I look to my crotch. "What if he hates us?"

"I can text him right now if you want."

"Okay..."

Ethan pulls out his phone and pulls up a contact called Mr. Díez and types out a message.

hey mister d it's ethan

i'm in need of a job and i was wondering if you had any spots open at your shop?

"Charlie, you can tell Ethan." Kelly urges me.

"I'm scared... I... what happened... I still dream about it, but he takes you instead." I stammer.

Ethan's eyes widen. "Charlie... baby, why didn't you tell me?" He pulls me into his arms. "I could've helped you, got you a trauma counselor."

"I wanted to be strong..."

"You don't need to be strong." Ethan promises me. "Never again."

"I don't want to be weak. I don't want you to feel like you have to protect me." I frown.

"I don't protect you because I think you're weak, I do it because I care deeply about you. I trust you to handle yourself on your own, my trust is what got you captured in the first place. I could've stayed glued to you, but I didn't, I let you go, because you told me to." Ethan explains.

"I want to protect you too..."

"You can, but not too much, baby. We can find a balance."

"I feel like a kid."

"You're not a kid, baby."

"You're not a kid, Charlie. You're normal and you're dealing with your problems in a mature way," she reassures.

"I have separation anxiety. My brother got over that when he was two!"

"You've been through a lot, Charlie," she says.

"Kids aren't the only ones affected by this, Charlie." Ethan squeezes my hand. "It's not something to be ashamed of."

I puff my cheeks out. "This is going to be hard..."

"It will be, but you can do it, I know you can." Ethan says honestly.

"I wish you had a safer job at a bakery or something." I scowl.

Ethan looks to Kelly.

"He wouldn't do it if it wasn't safe, Charlie." Kelly smiles.

"Ethan isn't safe."

"I am safe." Ethan argues and his phone buzzes. He pulls it out to show me.

Sure, son. Drop by tomorrow afternoon and I'll see what I can do for you.

I frown. "You're not safe. How are you safe?"

"How am I not?" He counters.

"The fact that Ryder and your family tell me to watch you and keep you safe should speak volumes."

Ethan's mood drops immediately and he looks down, removing his hands so he can scratch at one of his nicotine patches. "I've been trying to do better for you..."

Kelly makes eye contact with me.

"I'm sorry. You are trying." I scooch closer. "I just don't want you to go. You're doing so good." I bury my face in his neck, wanting contact again since he took his hand away from mine.

"How do I help him?" He asks Kelly. "What do I say when he begs me not to leave?"

"Be understanding, validate his feelings, and reassure him that you'll be back and that you'll be safe. Maybe even send him a message or two when you're out," Kelly explains.

"Okay," Ethan nods and wraps an arm around my waist. "I can do that."

I bite his shoulder.

He rubs my back.

"Can... May I... meet Tony's dad...?"

"Yeah." Ethan says soothingly.

"What do I do if I'm lonely?" I ask.

"You can call Scout or Carmen or Xander, your parents, heck, maybe even Ryder." Ethan chuckles.

"I can't always call my parents, but okay... What do I do if I want Ethan?" I ask Kelly, blushing.

"Just tell yourself that you'll see him later and do something productive or fun to feel good," Kelly explains.

"I'm sure you had hobbies before I came into your life." Ethan nudges me.

"What if I need him?"

"Excuse me?"

"You can just call me, okay?" Ethan interjects.

I rub his thigh. "You'll help me?"

Ethan blushes. "Y-Yeah."

"See! There's nothing to worry about." Kelly beams, the conversation flying over her head.

"Nothing to worry about," I repeat.

♥︎ • ♦︎ • ♣︎ • ♠︎

"Does he know you're bi? Should I try and like dress... straight?" I ask, trying to figure out the difference.

"Clothing doesn't have a sexuality, babe." Ethan tells me. "Except rainbow shit cause that's ours. He doesn't know, but he will after I introduce you." He hums.

"Definitely bringing my pocket knife." I sigh.

"That's fine, as long as you don't stab him prematurely. I don't want you in the same jail as Tony." Ethan says.

"Is purple gay because it's on the bisexual flag?" I wonder aloud.

"Charlie, if that's your logic, literally every color is gay."

"I've been told that I look gay. Aaaaaaahhhh," I groan.

"How about I dress 'gayer' to distract them? And you don't look 'gay,' you look like Charlie." Ethan says.

"Oooh. What are you going to wear?" I bounce, reaching for my mascara and then throwing my hands up.

Ethan hugs me from behind. "Hmm, how about booty shorts and your pink tank?"

I giggle. "It's cold outside."

"How about a skintight sweater and skinny jeans? I'll even let you do my hair all nice and shave."

"Shave? Nooooooooo."

Ethan chuckles. "Okay, just a trim."

"Yay." I get to work on Ethan and do his hair wonderfully, giving it a trim in some places to even it out. I don't give him pigtails or anything because I'm not feeling them today, but I do try and get him to let me do his makeup.

"If you do it like an all natural look, then you may." He bargains.

"No purple? Not even a little?"

"It doesn't match my outfit. I'll let you go full diva when we get home though."

"I have a purple bralette. You can wear it with a black jacket." I giggle, doing his mascara.

"Sure." He blinks rapidly and tries not to jerk back by instinct.

I grin and do the eyeliner perfectly before adding a hint of purple eyeshadow for effect and then tracing over the liner again. "Look at the pretty brown eyes."

"Why thank you." Ethan bows. "But nothing can compare to your beautiful hazel orbs."

I blush. "They're just hazel."

"Just hazel?!" Ethan exclaims dramatically. "I am aghast."

"Sexy word." I giggle. "Big smart."

"The smarterest." He jokes.

I cringe, but quickly get him some clothes.

Ethan puts everything on and does a twirl for me. "How do I look?"

"I wanna fuck you."

"Mmm so dirty, Charlie. Unfortunately, we have an appointment so that will have to wait."

I sigh and take a picture. "Let's go."

Ethan grabs everything he needs and throws it haphazardly into his backpack. He leads me down to his car and we hop in.

"You're super close to him, so what would you do if he...?"

"If he what?" Ethan prods.

"Tries to hurt me."