(Bowser's- whoops, Luigi's Castle; the dungeons)

(Luigi is pacing in front of Pauline's jail cell)

(Pauline snaps cell phone shut and hands it to Luigi through cell bars)

: (pockets cell) A-well?

: I-I told them. Coconut Mall. Three days.

: You-a didn't use my-a name, did you?

: I called you the "King in Green".

: (rubbing his jaw) Nice! I a-like it!! It makes me sound-a awesome!!

: Can I please go now? DK must be going out of his mind with worry...

: What? Of-a course not! They-a aren't going to come unless you're a hostage. (Moves back down the hall)

: W-what? Wait! Luigi...King Luigi...wait!

---

(back in throne room)

: a-Maybe I should've made it a-five days...or a-maybe a week. (sits on Bowser's huge throne, rubs his head- he's replaced his hat with a big crown that's slipping down around his ears)

: a-What if they don't agree to my deal? a-What if they-a decide to attack? There's-a no way that I could-a win. Not with a-Bowser's pathetic-a army. a-But if they-a come at me with the-a full force of the MK-a Military...

: ...

: (shoots to his feet) I've-a got no choice!

(Summons Poltergust and shifts it to "Blow". After a second, the vacuum spits out King Boo, who goes splat on the floor)

: Air! Sunlight! Freedom!

: Not for-a long. Not if you-a don't listen.

: You! (Flies towards Luigi, baring his fangs) You'll pay for using me as your lowly servant!

: (plucks a flashlight out of his pocket)

: (falls to the floor) I surrender!

: I have a a-task for you, King Boo.

: Ookay?

: Go to the a-army barracks and give everyone this a-message...

--

(the next day)

(The minions of Bowser's Army are moving in a huge group from the barracks and into the castle)

: (elbows a Shy Guy) Hey, uh...do you know what's goin' on?

: No idea... All I know is that Sarge was passin' out these flyers this morning.

: Are they seriously gonna be teaching us math and science?

: Great. This new guy is already a pain in the neck.

: "New guy"? You mean Cap'n Bro didn't order this seminar?

: I don't think so. I heard he got kicked out. Somebody else took his place. Don't know who.

: Whoever they are, they've cleared my calendar, the jerks! The fair's in town, for cryin' out loud! I wanted to go!

: We can still go. We'll just have to do it in the afternoon. After this dumb seminar.

(Army moves into the conference room on the first floor and settle into their seats. At exactly 10:00, King Boo floats on stage, rolling a huge chalkboard into the center)

: Hello, everyone! Welcome to Operation New Leaf! I'm sure you're all wondering whether or not this is legitimate, and I'm here to reassure you that it is. Statistics show that the average minion of Bowser's Army has the education of a second grader. So as decreed by the ruler of the Koopa Kingdom, today will be devoted to teaching you all math and science!

: (groans)

: The heck do we need math and science for?! This is an army! We kick and punch stuff! We don't need school!

: Yeah! And that's just the way Bowser liked it!

(Crowd starts booing and shouting at King Boo)

: Now, now, there's no need for this, you all... This is only in your best interests... (crowd starts throwing stuff at King Boo, but since he's a ghost, it goes right through him) Ugh. Baxter Boo.

(Baxter Boo, who is King Boo's assistant, hands him a megaphone)

: ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH! THE KING OF THE KOOPA KINGDOM HAS DECREED THAT IF YOU ALL DO NOT SIT AND LISTEN QUIETLY, THE MILITARY PAYROLL WILL BE SUSPENDED, AND YOU WILL NOT GET YOUR SALARIES!

: (quiets down immediately; half of them are in deep, deep debt)

: (tosses aside megaphone) There, that's better! Now let's get started, because the sooner we begin, the sooner we finish!

: (groans again)

: (begins writing a math equation on the board) Okay, let's start with the basics. 1 + 1 = 2!

---

(near the end of the seminar)

: Okay! Who can solve this problem for me?

(The problem "x/(x+1)(x-3)(x+2)" is written on the board)

: ...

: Come now! I've just taught you all how to write partial fractions! You lot should know how to do this!

: ...

: ...fine. How about this one? Solve this system of equations. (writes "xy = 8" and "3x + y = 24" on the board) Can anyone solve this using the method of substitution?

: ...

: Ugh, okay, let's move to a science question. Tell me, step by step, how genes are changed into mRNA and then to amino acids, and then to proteins.

: ...

: No one? I just discussed this an hour ago! (scowls) Have you lot not been paying attention?

(clock strikes 3 pm)

: Hey! Class is over!

(Army stampedes out of the conference room; it's empty seconds later)

: What a disaster.

: What are you going to tell King Luigi, sire?

: That Bowser's Army is full of idiots.

___

(Next day)

: Okay, you all! Today, we're going to focus on getting you ready for battle!

(Bowser's Army is crammed in the castle's training courtyard. Everyone is standing in front of a straw dummy, punching and kicking) (King Boo is supervising)

: Come on, lads! Put some muscle into it!

: You call that a punch? I wouldn't even blink if you came at me with that!

: Well, o'course ya wouldn't! You's a ghost! We cain't hit ghosts!

: (clods him on the head) No back-talking! Keep working!

--

(an hour later; the Army is jogging around the castle)

: U-uh, King Boo, sir? Do ya think we could...uh, get some water?

: Not until you finish those fifty laps!

: What? We just did fifty laps!

: Did you? I wasn't watching! Fifty more!

: What?!

: I want my lawyer! This is cruel and unusual punishment! It's a violation of my basic rights!

: Go ahead and run to your lawyer! But how are you going to pay them, hmm? Have you forgotten that I can freeze the military payroll in a nanosecond?

(Army groans and resumes running)

--

(later still)

: You weaklings!! What, is three hundred crunches too much for you?!

(Paces the training field as Bowser's Army struggles with their crunches; pauses beside a Koopa who's lying flat on his back)

: Up, soldier! It's not time for another break!

: "Another" break? You haven't given us one yet!

: Silence, minion! (taps Koopa) You heard me, soldier! Get up!

(Koopa doesn't move. Because he's...)

: (looks for a pulse) Uh oh.

--

(later)

(Bowser's Castle is surrounded by emergency vehicles, most of them ambulances; paramedics are carting out foot soldiers by the dozens)

(On the castle balcony, King Luigi and King Boo are watching the scene)

: (clods King Boo on the head) You a-fool!

: Waah! Please, King Luigi! Let me explain!

: Yes, a-please do explain! Why half of my-a army has passed out from-a heat stroke, and one hundred and a-thirty of them have gone into a-cardiac arrest!

: I-I'm sorry, sire! I was just getting them battle-ready, as were your orders...

: I said to-a whip them into-a shape, not-a kill them!

: Um...same difference?

: (powers up Poltergust)

: Ack! Wait! Please King Luigiiiiiii!!! (Is sucked into vacuum)

: a-Great. Here I-a go trying to strengthen my a-army...and now I'm-a more vulnerable than-a ever. (sighs) a-Hopefully, the-a negotiations at a-Coconut Mall go well-a tomorrow.

--