(scene: Coconut Mall, food court entrance)

(Birdo is standing outside with Peach, Daisy, and Rosalina, who are accompanied by two toad escorts)

: What? Are you kidding me? This is what you brought me to the mall for? Espionage?

: Yes, well, no, not really espionage... but listen, there's this situation goin' on, and we kinda need your help with it.

: Yes, Birdo, please, it concerns the welfare of one of our friends.

: (muttering) "Friend"?

: (holds up a hand) Answer the question: are we going shopping. Or not?

: Um...not.

: (points angrily at Peach) What kind of friend are you?! You told me that you were going to buy me a new sun dress for the summer festival and everything! I can't believe you lied to me!

: I'm sorry, Birdo, but I knew that you wouldn't come out to meet us unless...

: Are you telling me you baited me out here with talks of shopping?

: (impatiently) Birdo, just listen! One of our friends has been kidnapped, okay? Pauline. Remember Pauline?

: Pauline...sure. Great fashion sense. And you say she's been kidnapped?

: Her kidnappers are meeting us in the mall today, to negotiate for her release. And you're the best bargainer that me, Peach, or Rosalina know, so we need you to act as an envoy for us. Please. He'll be in the food court, the table closest to Shroomy's. (hands Birdo a slip) They left this note for us.

: (tosses note aside) Forget it. I'm not getting involved in a kidnapping. I value my life, you know. (turns)

: Not even if I give you my Gold One Up Card? (dangles credit card in front of Birdo)

: I swear that I will do everything in my power to bring Pauline home. (snatches Gold One Up Card and dashes inside)

: (scowling) All of my huffing and puffing...for nothing.

: Money truly does make the world go round.

: Come on, girls, let's go back into the car. The computer is there, and we'll be able to see and hear the entire negotiation.

--

(inside mall)

: Where should I go first? Rose 101? Nifty Thrifty? Or maybe Anastasia's? Hmm...I think I'll go to all three!

(Visits all three stores and buys a massive amount of items)

: That'll be 309.95.

: (gives him Peach's credit card) Charge it.

: (over headset in Birdo's ear) Birdo! What do you think you're doing?! You're supposed to be going to those negotiations! Not charging up my credit card!!

: Relax: according to this slip you gave me, I've still got five minutes. I'm headed there now.

(Birdo heads into the food court and sits at the table closest to Shroomy's. She buys a milkshake and sits down, trying on different pairs of sunglasses as she waits)

: Hmm, I kinda like these cat-eye lenses. But everyone's wearing these big, goofy ones with the circular lenses. (shrugs) Circles it is. I guess I'll give the cat-eye ones to Wendy. Whenever she gets back from "camp" or whatever.

(A Koopa with a briefcase approaches the table)

: Excuse me.

: Yeah?

: I'm afraid that this table is reserved. You and your valuables will have to leave immediately.

: You tellin' me to get lost?

: I'm sorry, but yes.

: Well too bad, buster, 'cause I was here first. Now you get lost.

: (angrily) I won't ask again.

: Neither will I. Shoo. (Makes a shooing motion)

: (angrily) I am here to conduct negotiations for a party that my superior has kidnapped, and I will thank you for giving me the table I reserved for these negotiations!

: You know, you might talk fancy, but you're as stupid as the rest of the citizens in the Koopa Kingdom. Did you know you just said, aloud, that you and whoever you work for kidnapped somebody?

: I did not! (thinks) Um, did I?

: (holds up phone and plays a recording)

: (over phone) I am here to conduct negotiations for a party that my superior has kidnapped, and I will thank you for giving me the table I reserved for these negotiations!

: Crap.

: Lucky for you, I'm not here to report you. I'm here as envoy representing Princess Daisy in these negotiations.

: Unacceptable. My superior informs me that I with either conduct the negotiations directly with Princess Daisy, or not at all.

: Take a moment and think, dummy. Daisy's a princess, and as such she can't directly participate in negotiations if the talks present a danger to her. Basic Royalty 101. So it's either me, or nothing. How much does your boss want to complete these negotiations?

: (huffs) Just a minute. (stands up and moves a few feet away before making a call. Birdo files her nails as she waits)

: (returns to table) My boss has given me the go-ahead.

: (cracks her knuckles) About time. So, you go first. What's this all about, kidnapping Pauline?

: That's confidential. However, my superior wishes to inform you that apprehending Pauline was simply a means to an end. He truly does not want to hurt her or keep her in captivity.

: So hand her back over.

: As I said, Pauline is a means to an end. (Opens briefcase) If you wish to have Pauline returned to you, your Princess Daisy need only sign this. (Pushes a piece of paper across the table)

: Lemme see here. (Takes off her sunglasses and replaces them with reading classes) (Stares) (And stares) Uh, this...this is an application for a marriage license.

: (over headset) What!

: (over headset) What!

: (over headset)

: Indeed.

: (cracking up) Oh man! Daisy's gonna have kittens when she sees this!

: (over headset) I think she already gave birth to two litters.

: (over headset) Birdo! ASK WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!!!

: So you're tellin' me, Koopa, that in exchange for Pauline, your boss wants to marry Daisy?

: (deadpan) Yes.

: (still laughing) Bwahaha! Tell your boss that there're other ways to win a girl's affection other than kidnapping her friend and demanding a signed marriage license in return.

: Do you agree to these terms?

: (over headset) No! No, no, no!

: (over headset) Wait, Daisy! We have to think about Pauline!

: Who is this boss of yours, anyway?

: That's confidential. Do you accept these terms?

: Nononononono!

: What if we say no?

: If you do not agree to these terms, not only will Pauline stay in my superior's captivity, but you will also have the might of Bowser's Army on the doorstep of the Mushroom Kingdom and Sarasaland.

: What?

: You'll sic Bowser's Army on us just because Daisy won't sign a piece of paper? Why's this marriage license such a big deal to the Koopa Kingdom that they would go to all the trouble to...

: ...

: (puts two and two together) Oh, I see. So this new guy that's runnin' the Koopa Kingdom wants to marry Daisy, eh? This "King in Green".

: That's confidential.

: (now irritated) Shut up, idiot. Let me think about what Daisy wants. (falls silent)

: (over headset) I'm not marrying anybody!!

: (over headset) I can't believe the turn that these negotiations have taken. Either rescue Pauline...or condemn Daisy to the married life...

: No, no, no, no, no!

: Peach, what do you think?

(Sounds of Flappy Bird can be heard over the headset)

: Peach! Will you stop playing on your phone and pay attention?!

: (sighing) I'm pretty sure that she'd want to take a few days to think about this.

: You have one day.

: One day?! You're talking about her marrying some crazy psycho that'll kidnap her friends just to get her to sign a marriage license. She's going to need more than one day to think about that.

: Three days.

: Five.

: Fine. (hands Birdo a card) Call this number when you've reached your decision. And keep that copy of the marriage license, if you wish.

--

(back in the van)

: (rips marriage license to shreds) I'm a going to disembowel whoever's responsible for this! They are going to rue the day they ever though to insult me like this!

: (picks up scraps of license) So this...suitor is the new King of the Koopa Kingdom?

: (changing sunglasses again) The Koopa didn't outright say it, but I'm pretty sure.

: If only we had a name...though I have a bad feeling about who it might be...

: Who cares? Can we drop by the Eastern Shopping Center on the way back to Toad Town?

: (glaring) You still want to go shopping? Didn't you buy 900 coins worth of merchandise in the mall?

: Yep. But I still haven't gotten my dress for the summer festival yet!

___