(catchy theme song plays in the background)

Welcome to the Toad Town News, where we bring you the truth. Let's go to the weather. Toadella?

Today's weather calls for sunny skies and cool breezes, so if you've got an itch to go hiking or have a family picnic, today's the day! Better hop on it, though, because later in the evening we have a 60% chance of rain, and a 30% chance of seeing some thunder and lightning a little past dusk.

Thanks, Toadella. And now for breaking news.

(catchy theme song plays again)

This just in: twenty minutes ago, Luigi, the iconic mustachioed sibling of the Mushroom Kingdom's Goomba-stomping Champion, has ballooned to massive size and is currently rampaging through Toad Town, causing astronomical property damage. Dave, on our ground team, has more. Dave?

(barely discernible over the screaming and running toads) Allen, as you can see around me, Luigi's unexpected and terrifying rampage through town is causing many of the resident toads to flee from their homes for the streets to avoid being crushed. The resulting mass exodus is-

(Several toads suddenly trample Dave as they bolt past)

Run for your lives!!

He's coming!

Gwaahhhhh!!

(Earth rumbles ominously)

OH A-DAISY! OH A-DAAAAAAIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSYYYYYYYY!!

Let's get the heck out of here! And don't use that take!

(back at the news station) The recently returned leader of the Koopa Kingdom, Captain Bro, has joined forces with the Mushroom Kingdom Military in trying to placate and/or eliminate Luigi.

(Video plays, showing military toads, Koopas, and Goombas, launching Shell Bazookas up at Luigi. Luigi just laughs)

YOU MINIONS THINK YOU CAN A-TAKE ME ON? I A-TAUGHT YOU EVERYTHING YOU A-KNOW! (bathes the streets in green flame)

YEOOOOOWWWWCHHHH!

: OW OW OW OW OW OW!!

Captain Bro has issued a general statement to the public, saying, 'Please remain indoors, stay away from windows, and, above all, keep calm'.

In conjunction with the frontal assault, the police of Toad Town are also looking for Princess Daisy Floral, who they believe knows inside information on the situation. Though whether they plan to protect her or utilize her in negotiating with Luigi remains to be seen. But so far, the Princess appears to be missing.

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(At Mega Mushroom Housing)

What do you mean he's "gone", Toadette? He was here three days ago!

(lobby rumbles, and screaming toads run by the front door; Luigi can be heard outside)

OH A-DAISY!

(rapidly stuffing clothes into a suitcase) Look, guys, I don't know what else to tell ya. The Health Department comes by for a random inspection, and you know what? I get fined! Why? Asbestos exposure. In Mario's room. That stink of his was literally peeling the paint off of the walls! So yes I kicked out his worthless behind!

(lobby rumbles again)

Well, do you know where he might be?

No idea. Try the homeless shelter downtown. Bye! (Jets out the door, joining the mass of fleeing toads)

Ugh, great! Now what do we do? If we cain't find Mario, how da heck are we gonna take down Luigi?

(sullenly) We keep looking. We have to find Mario. He's the only one strong enough to-

(The roof of Mega Mushroom Housing is suddenly ripped off and tossed aside by Luigi)

SHRIEEEEEEEKKK!

DAISY! A-THERE YOU ARE! (reaches down)

Run!

(They flee out the back door)

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(nine blocks later)

(They're crouched in a smelly back-alley, filled with trash cans and a few homeless guys sleeping through Luigi's rampage)

(in the far background) YOU A-CAN'T RUN, A-DAISY! I WILL A-FIND YOU!

Jeez, this is crazy! Is there somewhere we can go where he won't find us? Where we can hide until he calms down?

The only place I can think of is the castle, but that's all the way across town. He'd probably catch us before we make it that far.

(explosions in the distance, followed by a loud voice on a megaphone)

PLEASE VACATE THE STREETS IN AN ORDERLY FASHION AND REMAIN CALM. PLEASE VACATE THE STREETS IN AN ORDERLY FASHION AND REMAIN CALM-

Wait. Is that...? (peeks around the corner; a squadron of Shy Guys and Koopas are shooting Shell Bazooka rounds into the distance, where Luigi is stomping a pizza parlor to paste. Captain Bro stands at the rear of the ranks, holding the megaphone.)

PLEASE VACATE THE STREETS IN AN ORDERLY FASHION AND REMAIN-

(hissing) Captain Bro!

(surprised) DAISY! THERE YOU ARE! WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU!

Turn off dat megaphone, ya half-wit!

YIKES! SORRY! (turns off Megaphone and hurries over) I'm glad you guys are okay. Wanna tell me why Luigi's looking for you, and why he's seems so ticked off?

She broke his heart.

Peach! I was trying to save Pauline!

Can't you just ask him out to dinner or something and be done with it?

I don't think something that shallow is going to work. Luigi was very upset when he discovered that Daisy betrayed him... I'm certain he wants revenge.

Yeah, and at that size, I doubt his revenge involves making Daisy sit on a whoopy cushion or putting itching powder in her hair.

(another explosion sounds, making them flinch)

But you guys have a plan right? Right?

Yeah, run as far away as possible!

Daisy! What about Mario?

You're gonna try and rope Mario in again? But that didn't work the last time we tried it.

That's what I said!

Mario is the only one strong enough to bring down Luigi, Mushroom or no Mushroom. We have to find him.

Okay...any idea of where he might be?

Toadette said to try the homeless shelter. She was being sarcastic at the time, but...

Ya know, I swear I heard somewhere dat the shelter's got a sub-basement. If Mario's dere, he could be hidin' there ta avoid all da stompin' and whatnot.

Okay, let's head for the shelter then! (turns and trips over a homeless guy sitting in a box by a dumpster) Bwah!

a-Hey! Watch where you're a-going!

(alarmed) Wait, was that...? (the homeless man's wearing a ratty red sweatshirt) Mario?!

(alarmed) a-What the...? Peach! (glances around) And a-Daisy! And a-Rosalina and a-Waluigi! What are you guys a-doing here?

What are you doing here?

a-Trying to sleep. But that-a earthquake isn't a-helping things-

Earthquake? Wake up and scrub that stupidity out of your eyes, numbskull! This is no earthquake! This is your brother trashing Toad Town!

a-Seriously? (glances at the skyline, where Luigi is stomping through town like Godzilla) Huh.

(grabs him by the collar) "Huh"?! That's all you've got to say?! "Huh"?!

Peach, please! (pulls her back) Mario, will you help us?

Help you a-what?

Take down Luigi, what else? He's on a rampage! Something's got to be done about him!

a-No thanks.

WHAT?!

Luigi's trashing Toad Town, and you're just gonna sit there and do nothing?

(indignantly) That's a-right.

Why, Mario?

I'm a-tired of cleaning up other people's messes. It's-a time I started taking a-care of myself.

So what, sittin' in some box in an alleyway is takin' care of yerself?

a-Don't insult my box! (pats the box) I got this a-baby for only a-fifteen cents! I a-saved big-time with this purchase!

Do I even want to know what your bank account looks like?

(another explosion, this one closer)

Okay, look Mario. If you take down Luigi, I'll pay you, okay? Enough to get you out of that box and into a real bed.

(scoffs) a-Sorry, but your meager 500 a-coins isn't near enough to-

The, uh, the treasury's recovered. We've got enough to give you a big bill.

(shoots up to his feet) You-a mean it? How-a much?

How's 1000 coins sound?

(Mario sits back down in his box)

What are you doing?!

What a stickler. Though I cain't blame him: did you see those credit card bills?

(Luigi suddenly appears, looming above the alleyway)

AHA! A-THERE YOU ARE! (Lifts a foot)

Gyahh!

(Everyone dives out of the way, including Mario. Luigi's foot squashes the trash cans and boxes lining the wall)

Ya okay, Daisy?

Fine! (jumps to her feet) Mario! Do you see now?! You've got to take him down or...uh, Mario?

(Mario's eyes are kindling with the flames of fury. Glares up at Luigi)

a-Why you...You-a squashed my a-box! Do-a you know how much that a-cost me?

Fifteen cents, right?

Fifteen a-whole cents! (cracks his knuckles) Luigi...you're-a going to have to a-pay!!

That's all it took?

Didn'tcha know? Mario's a simpleton.

Here I-a come! (launches himself up at Luigi)

HA! YOU-A THINK YOU CAN STOP ME, A-HOMELESS MAN? (smacks Mario aside. He goes flying somewhere over the horizon)

Mario!

NOW, A-DAISY! TIME FOR MY REVENGE!!

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