As we sat on the plane back to America, I noticed Johnny acting weirdly. He wasn't walking around and telling bad jokes only to make people at least smile, but more like intensely thinking about something.

It was similar to when he got that text from his friend about Alex being with another girl in a restaurant, but it somehow seemed more personal now. He'd sometimes just randomly fall into this thoughtful state, but this one was deeper, and I could tell that by the fact he barely moved in his seat. Occasionally taking deep breaths.

I myself hate being interrupted when I get into these thinking trances, because it's just simply annoying when you can't have some time to yourself, so, that's why I didn't try talking to him, but I'm sure sooner or later he'll be first to reach out.

I watched his chest from afar and I noticed how in certain moments it rose and fell a bit faster, like he was very anxious, but then it'd go back to normal. Whatever it was that was going through his head, I presumed it's a true storm with thunders and lightnings.

Once I realized that, I thought that it might be even better I stop that thinking trance, despise what I just said. I was afraid he's self-destructive in his mind, and I don't want his self to be destructed at all.

I pulled out my phone and texted him, hoping the message will get his attention.

What are you thinking about?

I felt relief when he looked down to the glowing device and frowned a little. He lifted it up and his fingers started working on typing the password.

The frown disappeared and a small smile hosted his lips. I immediately noticed he was tired. I don't know how, I just did.

He gazed up, already meeting my eyes, and went back to his phone. Soon I looked down at mine, noticing the three bubbles moving, which means he's texting back. It's kinda weird, considering that we sit two steps away from each other, but I figured out he just doesn't really wanna fully talk right now.

Hard to tell. Doubting some things. Very weird.

Suddenly a quick wave of sadness washed over me. It pains me to see he is struggling.

Do you wanna come over later to relax and maybe we can figure it out together?

He read, then chew a bit on his lip and looked outside the window. Soon his eyes were on the phone again.

Sure.

I didn't bother him anymore, instead I put on my headphones and only sometimes gazed at him, hoping it'll help. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to do it in some way, but it's kinda hard when a person wants to be alone with themselves.

I put on some Lana Del Rey and turned my head to the window, looking forward to getting some sleep. I wasn't particularly tired, but I liked taking naps, somehow even on planes, and didn't wanna stay bored for the whole flight.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked as Johnny shut the door close and dropped the keys in the bowl on the nearest dresser, where I always keep them.

"Just water, please. That flight was hell." he sighed.

When I woke up, he wasn't any better, let alone he actually got some sleep, too. I can recall the time when I also thought so incredibly much, and it's one of the most horrible states of mind ever, so I didn't even question what he was saying. I just poured him a nice and lovely glass of water.

He came into the kitchen right after me, leaning forward on his forearms on the little island in the middle of the room. I placed the drink in front of him and he thanked me quietly.

Silence filled the room before I finally decided to ask.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

He intensely observed the water before taking a deep breath and nodding.

I was sat by the table when he decided to join me and take the seat on my right. He fidgeted a little with his rings after he made himself comfortable, and seemed to think of what to say.

He slowly started. "I didn't really wanna tell you in the beginning because it was about you- or us. I thought you will think of me as a coward for doubting so much. Or hate me. And, well, I wouldn't like that."

I frowned, but let him speak.

"It- I got so weird when we talked about making our relationship public, and that's where the doubts started. I'm sorry, I really don't know why," his breathing got faster, and I got a bit scared he was getting too anxious. I moved my chair nearer, taking his hand to hold it in both of mine. "I thought you got mad for me being so undecided about the status of our relationship."

"What the hell are you on about? You know I wouldn't be mad or hate you for being afraid of something, especially something related to our relationship." I answered like it was obvious. "What is it? Really."

I noticed his eyes got glassy as he looked down, but there weren't any tears. He shook his head. "I don't think I can do this."

The worst scenario just flashed before my eyes, but I had to make sure first. "Do what?"

He clenched his jaw, "Us."

My heart dropped. It literally felt like that, like it dropped and wasn't pumping blood anymore. "Wha- why?"

"I can't protect you, make you feel safe. I- I'm a coward. I always run away from my problems and don't wanna face them, I get weirdly quiet sometimes-"

"Oh, Johnny, that's ok. That's very fine." There's something wrong with everyone, you just have to accept it. Especially in people you truly care about. Also, it's lowkey a bullshit that he doesn't make me feel safe, because I've never felt as safe as with him.

"It's not."

"Johnny, you're listing all your bad characteristics. I think you forgot about something."

"What?"

"The good ones. There are so many, baby."

A single tear dropped from his eye as he finally looked at me instead of burning a living hole in his hands with his gaze, his fingers quickly and nervously messing with his rings.

"So what? I'm still crying right now, in front of you, trying to end what we have because I'm scared. I'm a coward. A- and you think im a coward and you probably hate me-"

He was all in into a complete panic attack, letting the bad thoughts take over. I've never seen him like this and I didn't know it was that bad, but I had to ignore the stabbing pain in my chest over the view and help him.

I hugged his head to my chest as he grabbed the material of my shirt in both of his fists and let out a shaky breath. I furrowed my brows when I felt him tremble under my hands. I hardly stopped my own tears.

"Why would I think you're a coward for that?"

"Because I'm a man and I shouldn't act like this-" he fired out.

"Fuck," I breathed out soundlessly. I immediately recognized what's going on, since I've seen this couple times before. Shit, she messed with his head so bad.

"Johnny," I started, as softly as I could. "It's not what once was. It's not. It's okay to fear, you're not less of a man for crying. It's completely normal what you're feeling."

He breathed in deeply. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm more than sure. Also, what do you mean you can't protect me? You have a pair of pretty nice arms of which strongness I sometimes can't stop daydreaming about." I replied. "I actually think about them embarrassingly more than I should."

He chuckled. I internally breathed out a sigh of relief.

"I know it's hard for you. It really is. But know, just know, that I won't judge you. Belittle you. I want to let you heal, but in order to do this you also need to want that." I continued.

He seemed to calm down a bit, his breathing wasn't racing and he almost stopped shaking. I caressed his hair while his head still rested nuzzled in my shoulder.

"Okay. Can we wait a little more with making it public?"

I smiled. "Of course we can. We are not rushing anywhere."

I stood up after waiting a moment, wanting to bring both me and him some more drinks, but his arms quickly sneaked around my waist again and I felt his hands on my lower back, bringing me closer so he could snuggle his head into my belly. He hummed, mumbling something I didn't understand, and I smiled.

"What?" I asked, biting my lip to stop any laugh.

"What did you say about my arms?"

"That I like them and they're stron-"

He suddenly lifted me up and I squeaked surprised, grabbing his shoulders to steady myself. I giggled as he squeezed my thigh and from feeling his arm around my back, strongly holding me up.

I noticed there was smile playing on his lips as I leaned down to kiss him. I tilted my head back, feeling his muscles flex as he held me, and I tried not to pass out here and now from how hot it was. Literally, there was nothing I simped for more than arms. And Johnny's arms were very simpable.

He his his face in the crook of my neck, planting soft kisses there, causing waves of pleasant shivers to wash over my body.

"Can we go to sleep now? Jet lag has me in a chokehold." he tiredly said.

Oh, I wish you had me in a chokehold.

Dear lord, I'm sometimes afraid of my own thoughts. It's not time for this right now.

He carried me for the rest of the way to the bedroom with his hands under my thighs, at times still kissing my neck. When we finally laid down I hugged him tightly, letting him know he is not alone and never will.

🌺