~ July 16th 2019~

"A-Ali..." I quietly stutter into the phone as I hug my body more into the corner of the nursery. "I...I." I can't talk I physically cannot do anything but cry.

"Bee died!" I loudly break down as I scream. I don't care what my neighbours must think of me. "Bee died and now...everything just hurts." I want my little girl back.

I want to hold her again and I don't want her to close her eyes. I want to take back feeling her last breath...me trying to shake her away from her everlasting slumber. She was perfect. She was my little girl and now she is gone and it fucking hurts.

"She's gone Ali...she's gone and-" I get cut off when my phone starts ringing while I'm leaving a voice message. How is that possible? It's never done that before.

I'm too sad to question it - or anything for that matter.

All I know is that I'm never going to get to be Bee's mother. I'm never going to get to see her little first steps...her loose smile...go to her first school play. I'm never going to see her grow up. My baby.

I answer the phone crying. I don't care anymore. "Maisie, I'm coming down to England okay?" With that I burst out crying. I don't know why I called Ali up when he gets me so much. I just close my eyes and cry. "My baby is gone. I want my baby!" I scream almost on the loop as Ali trying hushing me. It doesn't work.

"I know it hurts...okay. I know. Just think about your daughter okay? She wouldn't want her mommy to be sad." That's the problem. I don't know - because I never knew her. The only thing she ever did was reach her little hand out towards my face moments before she lowered it. I thought she was being friendly - that she knows I'm her mom. Maybe she was in pain?

I close my eyes as tears continue to fall down my cheeks. My eyes hurt and my head feels like it's being suffocated and then stabbed two million times. "Breathe. Okay. Keep me on the phone until I get here. I won't go. Even if they tell me to turn the phone off." I can't loose Ali too.

"G-go." I stutter as I hold my hand over my mouth to prevent from screaming out.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. The yellow nursery walls feel like they're enclosing in. I can't do this. "Maisie. Listen to me. I'm not going, okay? I promise I'm never going again. Ever." I nod my head head even though I want him to go. He shouldn't be on his phone.

"What if...the plane crashes?" All I can think about is doom and gloom. Even when I'm thinking about a plane crash I see my daughters face...her perfectly still little body. How her temperature just dropped. I can't even keep her warm.

What kind of mother am I?

"Then I'll fucking swim the seven seas. Maisie, where are you?" That's such an Ali answer. "I'm her bedroom." I completely forget the term 'nursery'. "Maze...get out of there okay. Just...go to your bedroom." I shake my head in protest. Even if he can't see. "I don't want to go." I whisper.

"She's not here anymore, Maze. That room is just a empty room." I burst out crying again. I don't want to feel this way about this room. It's still her room, even if she isn't here. This is Isabelle's room. "Where the fuck is your boyfriend?" Ali growls. I don't stop him from being angry. "Fucking another woman." I hold my chest as it feels like my heart is going to fucking combust into flames.

"I'm going to fucking kill him!" Ali shouts a little too loud as I then him shrugging with a flight attendant. Fucking hell...

Instead of him hanging up - I hang up for his own safety. I do everything he says and breathe...all except leave her room. Both him and I should know that I'm not going to leave her room. This is her room. And this and the box the hospital gave me are the only things I have left of her.

I'm not going to let any man or woman taking my child away from me...even if she is gone to a better place.