Valerie P.O.V.

Seeing him was hard. I had ignored his calls. But the text sounded important, so I quickly just got it over and done with.

I still hadn't figured out whether he lied to me and I was being fooled again, or if it was just me being stupid. Either way, I was anxious as hell. Someone was constantly twisting a fork into my gut, twirling it around like spaghetti. Argh! I hated this. I HATE this feeling. This is why I didn't want to love someone again! The tears spilled from my eyes as I lay there frustrated.

The worst part was, that I wanted to believe in him. But really, it was me. I didn't want to get upset every time a new rumour popped up, or every time a hate message popped up. I didn't want to revert back to that crazy time of my life and become monstrous. I didn't want to do anything to hurt him. I loved him. But how could I be with him? When I'm like this?

"Val?" a soft voice came through the door as it slowly creaked open.

My heartbeat picked up for a minute thinking it might be Carter coming back. ARGHHH! Why am I thinking this? I told him I wanted to be alone. Why would he come back? Disappointment flooded me, it couldn't be him. The voice was feminine, and very much different to the one I've come to know. I don't even understand my own damn feelings.

"Are you okay?" Ellana continued, approaching the bed slowly. "I heard you crying."

I hugged the pillow even closer to my chest. Why am I so damaged?

"Is it Carter?" she whispered softly coming to sit by the edge, placing one hand on my arm for comfort. I nodded slowly through my hazy vision. "What happened?" she probed gently.

I turned over to face my best friend.

I guess I needed to talk to someone, remembering Dr. Kavanaugh's advice. I bottled things up too much, I had to communicate more often. So with that, I took a deep breath before trying to explain everything from start to finish. All the negative comments from social media, my DM's, my run-in with Lacey Drew and that whole situation with Carter.

"What a bitch!" Ell cursed angrily. "God, I don't know what to say Val. I personally would not believe a word coming out of her mouth judging just by the way she was acting, but you really need to talk to Carter about it I think."

I listened quietly as I laid in bed. "I know... but it turns out horrible either way. If she was telling the truth, that means he lied to me. That means everything we had was a lie. And if she was lying, that means I'm totally incapable of handling everything that comes along with Carter's life. I'm already in this kind of chaotic state after one confrontation... I can't imagine what else is in store. We can't be together, I don't want to spiral with him... I don't know if I can handle it."

She looked down at me sympathetically. "Either way, I'll be here for you okay? And just for the record, you are not in any way broken. I understand what you're going through right now. It's hard with social media. You kind of learn to ignore those comments as if they're white noise. As well as all the basic hoes out here." Ellana rolled her eyes and chuckled. I cracked a small smile at the joke. "White noise Val. Rise above it." She pat me on the back encouragingly. "You also have to remember that Carter is a different kind of guy. He's a man. I don't believe that this relationship could be bad for you. Yes, there is an added pressure from the outside. But between the two of you? No. You work with each other so well. Don't lose that without talking to him first okay?"

I nodded in understanding. "Thanks," I whispered.

"You're welcome. I'm gonna order pizza and we can watch movies alright? Give your mind a break for now and we can sort it out another day."

"Sounds good." I smiled softly, welcoming the distraction.

~

I got up this morning and reached for my phone. My heart broke a little inside.

I love you

Sent at 4:16pm yesterday

It's crazy how quickly fear can consume you and turn everything you know and love into something it's not. Things could change in an instant.

I do need to talk to him. Ellana's advice made sense. But at the same time I couldn't bring myself to. What do I expect to happen? It felt like how it did at the start when I first met him, but 100x worse. I wanted him deep down, but how could I have him?

He'd probably break me until there's nothing left but the shell of the girl I once was.

God, I can't do this, I clutched onto the roots of my hair tightly.

I can't.

The day drove on and turned into night and then morning, as I spent countless hours thinking over and over in agony, and countless more trying to forget.

~

I hope you're okay

Sent at 10:48pm yesterday

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, counting from 1 to 10 in my head slowly. I have to talk to him soon, it's been driving me nuts. I feel even worse because he was sending me nice texts.

Tonight.

After work.

I finally finished and got in my car after a crappy shift, where at least half my brain was switched off and fried. I hope he's home. If he's not, then I'm going to leave and try again another time. I knocked on the door and stood there, digging my nails into the hem of my shirt. I could feel sweat start to build up, and nervousness pulse through me.

I froze at the sound of foot steps. My heart was stuck in my throat. Crap. Maybe I should back out. Maybe this isn't a good idea.

Too late.

The door swung open to reveal a surprised Carter.

"Hey Val," he said with a small smile. "Come in."

I swallowed a lump in my throat before stepping inside. "Hi..."

"How are you?" he asked coming over to give me a hug. I stepped back immediately. I couldn't. I couldn't melt back into him and forget everything. I couldn't touch him intimately without being reminded of what Lacey said. His face dropped before he retracted his arms, utter confusion and hurt passed through his eyes.

My heart clenched at the sight, before anger built up. Was this a lie?

"Were you and Lacey Drew together?" I blurted. Oh god it was like word vomit. Why would I say that first? Great.

"What? No Valerie! We were never together? Where is this coming from?" he asked.

"That's not what I've been told." I replied, shaking my head.

"What do you mean? Wha- who?" He said as his eyebrows pinched together.

"Lacey Drew." I blinked.

"What?" He chuckled in disbelief. "I thought we talked about her already. You're not making any sense Val."

"La-cey." I enunciated clearly. "I bumped into her on Sunday night. She said that what you mean by 'old friends,' was that you were quote, 'banging her' before you two stopped talking." I said frustratedly.

"What the fuck? That's not true," he recoiled in shock.

"Is it?" I shrugged. "Because I don't know Carter! The comments, your other flings, that photo, the- the gossip! I- it makes sense!"

"You don't... believe me?"

"I don't know." Tears pricked my eyes as my breathing picked up speed. I paced back and forth before settling on the couch's edge.

He stood there in silence, as his face settled into a frown.

"I don't know okay? I just can't." I threw my hands up, before burying my face into them. "I don't know what to think. And I hate it. I just hate this feeling. And I'm scared. I just-"

"What comments?" he interrupted bluntly, referring to my earlier statement.

"The, the hate, and, and negative stuff. I don't know people saying they ship you guys... People saying I'm n- not good enough, they don't l-like me, and th-they don't want me with you," I trembled, recounting the collection of messages I have read previously.

"God, Val." He brought his thumb and forefinger to his forehead and pinched the space between his eyebrows. "I can't believe this right now. Is this why you've been so off?!"

I blinked back a tear. He doesn't care.

"YES! You don't understand! I'm sick of, of feeling like crap whenever I read it, and exhausted at trying to not let it get to me!" I cried.

"Well then talk to me!" Carter cried back.

"I am! Right now! And all you're doing is yelling. What does it matter to you right?" I scoffed. "I just told you I'm scared and I'm tired of being like this, and this wasn't the reaction I anticipated." A tear slipped down my cheek.

"Fuck," he muttered angrily. "I'm not invalidating your feelings Valerie! I'm just upset that you didn't trust me. You didn't talk to me about it whilst it was happening so I could be there for you. Even worse than that, is that you don't believe me when I tell you that shit with Lacey isn't true! I have no idea why she would say that. We never dated or slept together. We were friends and hung out sometimes and have kissed before but that's basically it."

"Maybe I should just go," I whimpered, standing up, as more tears escaped the corner of my eyes. I've already caused so much damage, even if I wasn't trying to. I couldn't handle anymore.

"Wait, no don't," he sighed, coming over towards me.

"No," I held up my hands in warning to back off. "I, maybe I just can't do this. I thought that I could let you in and be different. But maybe I can't." I shook my head sadly. "I'm just a mess. I'm making things worse."

"No Valerie, that's not true!"

"I don't wanna hurt you, and I don't wanna hurt me. I don't wanna hurt us." I said quietly as the tears streamed down my face.

His face was contorted into a painful expression as his eyes flickered over me. "So what does that mean?" he whispered, choked up.

"I have to go."

I pushed past him quickly and raced for the door.

As soon as it was closed behind me, I burst into tears and ran down towards my car. I slunk back against the seat as my heart shattered.