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Sky was curled up on her side, under the covers, the heavy curtains of her bed drawn shut, the lamp turned off, in the same soft darkness that had always taken care of her when she had wanted nothing but death.

That deathwish was on her again, and oh, it was so hard to not act on it.

If only she'd been the one to bleed out on that cold, tiled floor, then she'd be in a darkness even more profound than what this bed offered her, and she wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.

Because it hurt, it hurt so much that she could barely breathe.

To think, that it had been only yesterday when she'd been making out with Hawk on this very bed–

It felt like years ago now, but Sky could still smell the chocolate ice cream that had melted and stained her carpet, and could still smell Hawk's scent - steel, salt, a trace of his aftershave in her sheets.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! So fucking stupid of me.

She should've known that after what she'd told him yesterday, he would see her as a slut too. As a stupid slut, who was cheating on him with his friend the moment she had the chance–

She'd been so mad at him in school, so mad, but now that anger had faded and only left behind an endless self-loathe, sorrow, and fatigue.

So stupid of me to think that anyone could love me, after what I've done.

She buried her face into the pillow, and let the tears fall, let them soak through the pink My Little Pony pillowcase, her favorite one.

Hawk had said he liked her. He had held her close to his chest and she had heard the uneven beat of his heart, had felt his arms around her body - so warm, so safe. Had it all been a lie? Was he just like every other guy - only wanting to get into her pants, because he knew she was easy, that she was a slut, that she was the girl who would grope him in an empty classroom but nothing more?

That's what Matt had thought about her.

He'd been so jealous - always nagging at her if she as much as talked to another guy. Hell, he'd been jealous of Kat too - always demanding Sky that she should spend less time with her, and more time with him. He'd been so sure that she was cheating on him, even when she hadn't been, even when she'd been so much in love and so faithful—

Sky's phone made the soft blip that meant a message had arrived, and she opened her puffy, swollen eyelids. The phone was next to her head on the pillow, and she picked it up, the blue light of the screen hurting her sore eyes.

A message from Demetri.

With a sigh, Sky opened their message strand and a picture popped onto her screen - a picture of Hawk, looking all miserable, giving puppy eyes to her through the phone.

A text followed:

: eli says he's really sorry

sorry - I meant hawk

Sky's stomach turned, she felt like she was going to throw up as the anger stirred in her again. What was wrong with these guys? Did they think this was some kind of a joke? Did they think that one cute photo would make Sky get over what had happened?

She was here crying her eyes out, wanting to fucking die—

Here she was, thinking about the pills in their bottles in the locked cabinet in the bathroom, the sweet, sharp razor blades Dad had found hidden in her room and confiscated, the dull knives in the kitchen drawers. Thinking about the bullet that had so unfairly left her alive and taken Kat instead, making everything wrong, insufferable, a never-ending agony.

She texted the reply without even stopping to think.

: tell hawk he can go fuck himself

cause I sure won't do that

ever

: I'm not gonna tell him that

what you think I'm suicidal?

but seriously you have to forgive him

he's driving me crazy

one more message on this topic and I'll block you

so much for being your bff? 😭

I'm not mad at you

I'm mad at him

But the truth was that she was a little mad at Demetri too. If he hadn't started whining about her and Hawk making plans for their date in the middle of science, none of this would've happened. Things had just spiraled to Hell from there.

She pushed her phone away and muted it, rolled onto her stomach, pulled the covers over her head, and drifted into a restless sleep.

When she woke up, hours had passed. It was probably late afternoon, she figured and picked up her phone again to check the time - just to notice that there was a whole strand of messages from Hawk, sent one after another during the past couple of hours.

i'm sorry

Sky?

please answer

Sky

i said i'm sorry

are u coming to karate?

we could have tacos after

Sky please I feel like shit

Sky didn't reply, just stared at the messages on her screen, tasting the tears in the back of her throat. After some time, she messaged Miguel, though, and asked him to tell Sensei Lawrence that she couldn't make it today.

It only took a couple of heartbeats for Miguel to text her back.

hawk says he's really sorry and that he wants to take you out for tacos later

tell hawk he can stuff the stupid tacos in his ass

I hope they have extra chili

LMAOO NO WAY I'M GONNA TELL HIM THAT

His reply almost made Sky smile but just almost.

It wasn't like she wanted to feel like she did - this bitter, this hollow, this drained of all emotion.

What she wanted to do was to get up and get changed and go to the dojo and kick some training doll in the face until she'd be sweating through her clothes and wouldn't be able to think about anything but the burning of her muscles.

She wanted to answer Hawk's messages and tell him that it was okay and that she'd forgive him and that she was sorry too and that she wanted for him to come over and kiss her until she couldn't think about anything but the need in her core.

She wanted to live and to laugh and to love and to run and to feel the energy that rushed through her veins, that made this fucking world spin, she wanted to get drunk and laugh with her friends and she wanted to fuck and be fucked and do drugs and stay awake throughout the night, sitting on the beach with Kat waiting for the sunrise.

But all those things belonged to someone else, they belonged to that Sky who had died bleeding on the cold, tiled floor of her old school.

This Sky who was crying hopeless tears in her bed, hiding under the covers, was nothing but a shadow.

She didn't know how much time had passed when she woke up to the sound of someone knocking on her door and - after a couple of heartbeats - the door opening and someone walking in.

"Dad?" She asked, her voice still thick with tears.

"Yeah. How are you feeling?"

Sky didn't reply, just laid her heavy head back on the wet pillow and took a trembling inhale.

Silently Dad switched on the lights and pulled back the curtains of the bed, to take a seat.

"One of those days?" he asked, after some time, laying a hand on her shoulder.

Sky didn't answer. It wasn't the first time dad saw her like this, and she suspected it wouldn't be the last either.

"What happened?" Dad asked softly. "Another flashback?"

Sky shook her head, wiped her nose in the napkin dad had dug out of his pocket, and offered to her.

"I had this stupid fight with Hawk," she muttered.

"Oh," Dad replied. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Why are all guys assholes?" Sky asked, her throat raw and sore from all the crying.

"Well, not all," Dad said. "I'm sure there are many nice and decent guys out there."

"Then why are all the guys I fall in love with assholes?"

Dad gave a sigh and shifted, taking a more comfortable position on the bed.

"So you are in love with that kid?" He asked. "I thought you said you weren't even dating."

"We're not dating," Sky breathed, her lips trembling.

"Okay," Dad said, clearly trying to understand, but Sky really didn't feel like explaining.

"What happened?" He asked after a while, rubbing gentle, smoothing circles on Sky's back.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Come on, Sky. I want to know if I need to have someone assassinate him, or at least to send a severed horse's head into his bed—"

Sky made a snort through her tears.

"He got jealous because I was talking to someone else," Sky shrugged. "I mean, like stupid alpha shit jealous."

"Ah," Dad said, arching his brows. "I see."

Sky knew she didn't have to say more. Dad understood. After all, he had been there when Matt - the ultimate alpha asshole - had destroyed Sky's world. He had been there to pick up the pieces, to try and get Sky back on her feet, to make a whole girl of nothing but shadows and shrapnels.

"Okay," Dad said after another short silence. "You feel like you've cried enough?"

"No," Sky muttered, but the truth was that she had pretty much run out of tears. Her head felt heavy and it ached, like always after crying for hours, her hair was plastered to her face and her eyes were so swollen it was hard to keep them open.

But she was still alive.

The darkness hadn't claimed her, she still hadn't bled out on the cold tiled floor, her heart was still beating - even if it felt like there was an arrow point buried deep into the muscle of her heart, digging its way deeper with every painful beat.

So maybe it was time to stop crying, get up and remember that she was a Phoenix, not a quitter.

Dad apparently agreed for he said: "I'm gonna start making dinner now, and you are going to take a shower, get changed, and come downstairs. We can watch a movie while we eat, how does that sound?"

"What movie?" Sky rolled to her back and took a look at dad.

"Whatever you want."

"Nothing romantic," Sky replied, thinking of something that would make her feel better. "Star Trek? The one with Shinzon?"

"Works for me. Now - enough of the self-pity, time to get up."

He gave Sky a last encouraging tap on her shoulder, before walking out of her room.

Sky checked her phone one last time, before going to the shower. There were no new messages from Hawk, which kind of hurt but also was a relief, but there were a couple from Aisha.

I really hoped to see you today

Cobra Kai needs more girls

Just come to the dojo tomorrow

You don't even have to talk to Hawk if you don't want to

Immediately Sky felt better.

All Miguel and Demetri had been doing was to pressure her into forgiving Hawk. But Aisha - well, she seemed to genuinely care about her, which felt nice.

Maybe she didn't have to walk away from Karate even if things were fucked up with Hawk. She could have other reasons than him to join Cobra Kai.

She typed a short response, nothing too specific, in case Aisha would show the messages to Hawk.

❤️

yeah Ok

maybe

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