The grief often came unexpectedly.

It hit Sky like a trainwreck when she was brushing her teeth the next morning - the sudden, gut-wrenching realization that Kat was gone and that she was never coming back.

Of course, the pain was always there in the back of her mind, but these sudden moments of piercing agony hit her from time to time, and always without a warning.

This had been coming since yesterday, though. Since the flashback she'd had about her and Kat sparring at the capoeira studio, or maybe even before that, since last week when the letter had arrived in the post, the letter she still hadn't opened.

Still, the pain left her breathless, blinded.

Kat was gone and she was never coming back.

It felt like Sky was missing a body part, like her inner organs were ripped out through her throat.

She spat to the sink, fighting nausea, rinsed her toothbrush, and tossed it into the mug on the shelf below the mirror. There was blood in her spit, amongst the white foam which swirled down the drain, and again Sky was thinking about red splatters on white sneakers—

She raised her eyes to the mirror, her reflection was pale, her eyes still puffy and red-rimmed, even after the cold shower she had taken to wake up.

With a sigh, she ran some water into her hands and washed her face. The effect of the drug still lingered, she felt drowsy and unattached. The only thing that felt real was that Kat was gone, that she was never coming back—

It's my fault.

It should have been me.

Last night's flashback had woken up something in Sky's mind, memories she had almost thought forgotten. Kat's smile, the feeling of her hand in her own, palm against sweaty palm. The sound of her laughter, the way she squinted her onyx eyes when she smirked at Sky.

"See you at lunch, bitch!"

"Lol, I hope they have pizza."

Sky dried her face in the towel, tossed it on the floor, and shambled her tired feet out of the bathroom naked. Her gi lay crumpled on the floor, blood had stained one sleeve, but Sky just stepped over the pile of clothes and went for her drawer.

Her mind was still in Kat, as she went through her drawer of comfy outfits. She wasn't going to bother dressing up - it was almost noon, too late to go to school. And she wasn't going to go to karate either, never again, she couldn't take the shame, could not face Sensei Lawrence again after the fiasco of yesterday when she had let her guard down and the image of Kat had slipped into her mind—

Kat.

Again, the feeling of her heart being torn to shreds and thrown to the wind. Sky swallowed it down, swallowed the pain and the bile and the bitter, foul taste on her lips.

I'm not gonna fall again. I can't take it, not another flashback—

She breathed in and out, in and out. Four counts in, six out - just like her therapist had taught her. The pain subsided enough for her to pull on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt.

She was so tired of falling. So fucking tired. She had been in this freefall for almost a year now, and yes - there had been good moments too, moments when she had almost stopped falling, moments when she'd been safe and happy, floating in Hawk's arms, but still - her life was nothing but a downwards spiral, she was plummeting down towards the cold, tiled floor, the light at the end of this tunnel nothing but the front lights of the approaching train, and she wanted it to end!

Not her life.

She didn't want her life to end. She didn't want to die - that sudden, surprising realization came to her as bright as the sunlight that entered the room when she opened the curtains.

She didn't want to die - she wanted to live. To live, to love, to laugh, to make friends, to make love and get drunk, to dance on the beach until sunrise, and—

— and she wanted to remember Kat without being torn to shreds. She wanted to mourn for her, without it eating her up, without it consuming her soul and her body, so that there would be nothing left.

Enough, enough already.

I can't go on living like this.

With that thought in her mind, she left her room and walked downstairs, where she bumped into dad in the kitchen.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," dad greeted her with a smile and ruffled her hair. "Feeling more like yourself?"

"Yeah, a bit," she replied. "Thanks for letting me sleep."

"Figured you'd need some rest," Dad said, taking a look at her tired face. "Look, I have to work now, but I'm here if you need me. There is toast for you, and I squeezed some orange juice."

"Thanks, Dad," Sky replied and gave him a quick hug. His warm, strong arms around her were her solid rock, his scent of paper and old books was her home.

He released her after a moment and patted her on the shoulder before turning to leave.

"Oh, and you might wanna call your boyfriend," he said at the door. "He was really worried."

Sky arched a brow in disbelief. "Wait, what? You want me to call Hawk?"

"Well, what can I say? Maybe I'm turning soft. He told me he loved you and I believe him."

"Oh my God," Sky said with a small laugh. "How long was I out of it?"

But she did as she was told, and when Dad walked out of the kitchen, she fished the phone from the pocket of her sweats as she sat down at the table, where a place of toast with Nutella was already waiting for her.

Her heart lurched.

Hawk had called 17 times and left at least as many messages.

Sky quickly went through the messages, all saying the same thing. That he was worried, that he loved her. And that he had done as she had asked and told everyone about what had happened.

The toast slipped from Sky's fingers and fell to the plate, Nutella side down.

Shit!

She had forgotten all about asking him to tell their friends, the slippery memory only now slithering back to her mind, making her heartbeat quicken.

No wonder she had so many messages on her phone, from other people than Hawk too. Her heart in her throat Sky opened the first one and started reading.

: I'm so sorry.

I had no idea you were going through things like that.

If you ever need a friend, just give me a call.

: Hawk told me about your friend

I'm sorry that happened to you Sky

I hope you'll come to the dojo soon so we can kick ass together

And my Yaya says you're welcome to dinner anytime - her cooking can make anything better

There was also a message from Demetri, saying that if she needed distraction he'd be free to watch a movie almost any day, and even one from Bert wishing that she'd feel better soon.

Sky felt overwhelmed reading the messages. The love, the understanding - it was something she had never thought she'd get. She had always thought that what she carried within was such a shameful secret and that if it ever got out, everyone would turn their backs on her. Because no one would want to be friends with the lunatic, right?

But now, reading the messages over and over again, Sky began to realize that maybe she had been wrong.

Maybe there was a way out of this freefall.

She sent a quick message to Hawk: I'm okay, just woke up. Thank you for everything, I love you.

Her fingers hovered over the phone, her thumbs uncertain as her mind raced through options, her stomach clenching on a tight knot over anxiety.

The Nutella toast lay forgotten on her plate, the juice got warm in her untouched glass.

Fuck it,

I'm tired of being so fucking scared!

Before she could have second thoughts, she pressed Aisha's name on her list of contacts and brought the phone to her ear.

Aisha picked up almost immediately - as Sky had calculated, it was lunch break at school.

"Sky, hey are you okay?"

Sky's throat went tight as she heard the worry in Aisha's voice. "Yeah, I'm fine. Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday - I didn't mean to scare you, it's just that—"

"No, it's okay," Aisha replied. "Hawk explained it to us. I get it, you don't have to apologize."

Her voice was so honest, so kind, and some small voice in Sky's mind tried to nag that she didn't deserve this kindness, she didn't deserve friends like this, but fuck it, Sky was so tired of listening to that voice and she silenced it with force, threw it into a mental trash bin and slammed the lid.

"Listen, I was wondering if you felt like coming over after school?" Sky said. "I realize you probably have better things to do, but— " She hesitated. "But I could use a friend."

There it was. A desperate plea that she had thrown out there like a fisherman throwing a net in the waters in hope of catching a fish.

"I'm free after school," Aisha replied. "But are you sure you wouldn't rather see Hawk? He's practically trying to grab this phone from my fingers."

Sky smiled at that image.

"You're with him?" She asked. "Well, tell him that I must see you because we're gonna do each other's nails and then try on sexy lingerie and have a pillow fight wearing them. According to my therapist, It's initial to my psychological healing process."

Aisha laughed. "I hope you're not serious."

"I'm never serious," Sky smirked. "And you can tell Hawk that I absolutely need your company now and not his since I'm still searching for a best friend. I mean, Demetri is fine and all, but he won't let me paint his nails with glitter pink."

A small silence followed, some muffled voices at the other end of the line. Then Aisha's voice was back on. "Demetri says he'll let you do his nails if it makes you feel better."

"Demetri's there too?" Sky asked with a laugh. "Shit, all the best guys. Put me on speakerphone, will you Aisha?" She waited for that to happen and then said, her voice trembling slightly: "Thanks guys, for everything. I love you, you know. All of you. You are just the best."

"We love you too—" came a chorus of voices, and Sky's heart almost broke. She didn't even fight the tears that fell to her cheeks.

"And seriously Sky—" said Demetri. "You are welcome to paint my nails anytime and have a pillow fight with me, wearing sexy lingerie— hey, ouch, stop that, Eli—!"

"Hawk, stop punching Demetri!" Sky cried, realizing what was happening, "It was a joke!"

"The only one here who's getting anywhere near your lingerie, is me—" came Hawk's raspy voice. "Just making sure that pussy Demetri knows that too."

"If you wanna get near my underwear again, you'd better stop beating up my friends," Sky replied, but couldn't help a grin. "Besides, can you imagine Demetri in a pillow fight wearing a hot pink lacy bra? He couldn't pull it off as I do."

"Hey, I could pull it off," Demetri exclaimed, sounding almost insulted.

"Thanks for that image, Sky," said Miguel's voice. "I can never unsee it now."

"Me neither," Aisha laughed. "Hey, I'll see you after school, gotta go now."

The voices at the other end of the line bid their goodbyes and Sky hung up, still a bit shaky and in disbelief over what had happened.

She had friends - friends who hadn't turned their back on her, friends who stood by her side, friends who took care of her—

Wasn't that what she had so desperately wanted when moving in here? What she had tried to find in Yasmine, Moon, and Sam - and then stumbled onto in this circle of friends instead, in Science class and a Karate dojo. And it was more than she ever could have hoped for.

She was still staring at the screen of her phone when a message from Hawk popped into it.

you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine

Thank you

I'm always gonna be there for you

I love you

I love u too ❤️❤️❤️❤️

can't stop thinking about you in hot pink lingerie, though

pervert 🙈

you started it

What are you wearing

Sky rolled her eyes. Her sweatpants and an oversized T weren't that hot, but what the fuck. She slipped out of her T-shirt, covered her boobs with her hand and forearm while squeezing them up against her chest so that they looked bigger, and snapped a selfie. She quickly sent it to Hawk before having time to have second thoughts.

ohmygodsky wtf

😍🔥😍 shit you're hot

I fucking love you

Sky couldn't help the grin on her lips, as she pulled her shirt back on, imagining the look on Hawk's face when he'd seen that photo of her.

good luck trying to study with that boner, lmao

you're evil

I know

No further reply came, and Sky imagined Hawk had had to put away his phone, his next class starting and all, but the smile lingered on her lips for a long time.

No, she probably didn't deserve to have friends like Aisha, Miguel, and Demetri, and she sure as Hell didn't deserve a boyfriend like Hawk - but here they were nevertheless, and she was one lucky bitch to have them.

She finished her Nutella toast, reading the messages her friends had sent her, over and over again, and slowly drank her orange juice that tasted like Californian sun and summer.

When she walked back up to her room, she went straight to her desk and picked up the envelope which had been lying there for over a week, sucking the life out of her like a black hole hidden in the midst of papers, magazines, and school supplies. Now she held it in her slightly trembling fingers, just looked at it, took in the familiar handwriting of Kat's Mom, the memories swarming her mind, memories of all the birthday parties and family holidays and dinners and late-night talks, and—

— and she breathed in, breathed out. Four counts in, six counts out. Again and again and again.

She opened the letter and started reading.

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