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"You sure about this?" Rico asked one more time, as he finished placing the stencil on her skin, marking the outlines of the tattoo on her shoulder.

The design looked amazing, so Sky gave a sharp nod. "Yeah."

"And you're over 18?"

"Of course," she replied, knowing very well that there was no way in Hell Rico would believe her, but trusting that he wouldn't care. He had, after all, inked a giant bird on Hawk's back without questions asked.

But maybe Hawk looked older than she did because Rico arched a skeptical brow.

"Right," he said, "You'd better keep quiet about this. I don't want your Mommy coming here yelling at me."

Sky resisted the urge to reply that it would be a fucking miracle considering her mom had been dead for 14 years. It wasn't fair to dump that kind of shit on people - especially people who were doing her a favor. Rico could easily kick her out of here any time he wanted to, and then there would be no tattoo.

Sky didn't feel like she could take that. Not today.

"She won't, don't worry," she replied. "Let's just get it done."

"Okay," Rico said and started preparing the needle. "Take a comfortable position. We're gonna be here for a while."

The design was large and complex, so Sky knew it was going to take long. They had agreed to start today and then continue tomorrow and, considering how she held up, maybe the day after that too. So when Sky lay down on the table, she knew she had all the time in the world to do some thinking.

Which was the exact thing she needed to do, but also the one thing she really didn't want to do. The memory of what had happened was still fresh, and it felt like a stab wound in her chest.

Hawk had been so fucking happy, things had been so perfect, and then her stupid brain had ruined everything.

"This is gonna hurt," Rico said, and Sky was drawn back to the moment. "Just let me know when you want to take a break."

"I'm used to pain," Sky replied, but still she made a small gasp when the needle touched her skin. It felt different than she had thought - more like burning than piercing. She glanced at her shoulder, but there wasn't much to see yet. Slowly the first black lines began to emerge on her skin, drawn by Rico's steady hand.

Suddenly Sky felt emotional. This was what she had wanted, for a long time now - even before meeting Hawk and seeing his tattoo and realizing how it had reshaped his whole persona. This was a new beginning, a burial of the old self. And Hawk should be here with her, he should be here holding her hand through this–

No, this is not about him. This is about me.

Besides, he's not gonna want to have anything to do with me after what happened today.

That thought hurt, even more than the needle on her skin, and Sky pushed it away with all her might. She wasn't going to think about that now, she wasn't going to think about him now. She would think about Kat because she was the one who should be here holding her hand.

They had planned to get matching tattoos - something that would tell everyone they were sisters even if they looked nothing alike. Kat had been so hyped about the idea, always going on about different designs or tattoo shops, and Sky had been happy to let her do all the planning. Now that felt like another lifetime. And the tattoo she was getting wouldn't be a sister of another one - it would be half of the whole, brutally cut apart from the other half, just like she was.

She missed Kat more than ever - missed her wisdom and her patience and her bubbling laughter. She missed it all so that it was hard to breathe, missed it like one misses a lost limb - as a brutal, never-ending phantom pain that is a constant reminder of things gone forever.

Sky imagined Kat sitting on a chair next to her, wearing slim jeans and an oversized black band T-shirt, her long legs crossed at the ankles, a grin on her lips. Kat would have loved this tattoo, Sky knew. She would have been here for Sky, through all of it, encouraging her but also making fun of her for being a pussy who couldn't take the pain and drawing her thoughts off it by telling rude jokes.

But then again, had Kat lived, Sky wouldn't even be here today.

"You a talker or a silent one?" Rico said after a couple of minutes. "Either one works for me."

"I guess I'm the silent type," Sky replied softly, feeling like any conversation was beyond her abilities at the moment. Luckily Rico seemed to be content with that and just kept on working. Precise, black lines started to appear on the pale skin of her upper arm, and Sky let out a slow, deep breath.

Her phone buzzed in the pocket of her jeans, but she didn't pull it out. She didn't want to see what Hawk would text her. If he'd had enough of her, she didn't want to know, not now, not today. Besides, she needed to keep still. So she ignored the phone that buzzed a couple of times more, closed her eyes, and tried not to think about anything else than the needle and the pain.

I'm sorry

would you please answer?

Sky why are u ignoring my messages?

I get it that u r upset but c'mon, just talk to me

Hawk stared at his phone, his thumbs hovering over the screen as he wondered if he should send her another text.

But he had sent so many already, and he saw that Sky hadn't even read them. There they lay, unseen, unanswered on the screen of his phone, and Hawk felt their weight crushing his chest, turning everything in him tense and sour.

He didn't like feeling like this. This annoyed and worried and ashamed. It felt like there was a black hole inside his ribcage, sucking out the air from his lungs, turning his stomach upside down, and making him nauseous. He hated this pit of unnamed, unchained emotion. Like everything else in his life, he liked his emotions clear and strong: love and hate, hunger and satisfaction, desire and jealousy. Black and white, without this sticky, confusing swamp of all the shades of gray.

Even the anger that stirred inside of his chest now wasn't pure or clean. This anger was dirty and shameful and felt all wrong, and he knew it was unjustified, considering that he was the one who had fucked up and caused Sky to cry - so what right did he have to be angry at all?

But still, he was.

Yeah, he had fucked up, but he had said he was sorry - so at least Sky could pick up her phone like a normal person, and tell him he was forgiven.

Unless...

Unless she wasn't gonna forgive him.

That thought felt like someone had punched him in the face, the anger and other annoying emotions were suddenly drowned by clear, pure fear.

Was that it?

"You don't deserve this shit," she had said and ran away from him, and now that felt like a statement.

Had Sky meant that she wanted to fucking end things between them?

That sudden gut-wrenching horror turned into action and Hawk's thumbs moved on the screen fast, unhesitant.

What did you mean that I don't deserve this shit?

Are u breaking up with me?

He waited, but no answer came, and staring at his own messages on the screen felt like falling into a deep, dark well that would suffocate him.

Why the fuck isn't she picking up her phone?

Maybe she was at the tattoo shop already.

Hawk wondered if Sky was being tattooed in some place of her body that would mean she couldn't use a phone. But he didn't know. She hadn't told him anything about the tattoo she was getting and now that too felt like a betrayal, like a bad omen.

And now that he was going down that road, that loathed spiral of fear and insecurity, he remembered there were other things too, other things she had kept from him or lied about, like meeting with Miguel behind his back, or being on medication. Maybe those were signs too, of something being wrong between them, something he hadn't even realized was broken.

Suddenly he felt like he couldn't breathe. He didn't care that she had lied, that she had hidden things. He would forget and forgive everything if only she gave him one more chance, if only she didn't dump him.

If Sky left him–

He didn't even want to think about it. He would die. If it was really over, he would fucking die here, he would rip out his own heart and bleed to death right here, on this old, ugly carpet of his room, and Mom would find his cold, stiff body on the floor when she came home from work.

Sky come on

please

is that it?

U ditching me?

He sent the texts before he could have second thoughts, and stared at the screen for some time, but the messages weren't even read. There they hovered in the void of space between their phones and there was nothing he could do but wait.

They took a short break from the tattooing because Sky had started to feel a bit light-headed and tired. It was more painful than she had imagined, and yeah, she was familiar with pain but it didn't mean she had to like it. She stepped outside to have some fresh air - as fresh as you could call it, the standing heat of Californian summer plus the smog - and leaned against the wall by the door of Rico's shop, sipping a coke he had offered her.

After finishing the drink, she fished the phone out of her pocket, just to see that Hawk had sent her a dozen messages.

She read the messages all at once, and each one opened the cut in her heart a bit more until she was bleeding to the sidewalk.

Are u breaking up with me?

She knew she had to give some kind of an answer to Hawk's question, but her fingers just wouldn't move.

It all went through her mind in a heartbeat, all she had tried so hard not to think about during the past couple of hours.

How he had laid her down on the bed, and how much she had wanted it - like she would die if she didn't have him inside of her, his body on top of her, his narrow hips between her legs. And he had given her exactly what she had wanted, and once again Sky had been in awe in front of the pure, naked pleasure he could give her. She hadn't known it would be like that, that it even could be like that.

And then - her stupid brain had destroyed everything. The minute he had been a bit rough with her, her mind had gone blank, and she hadn't been there anymore, not in that room, not on that bed, not with Hawk, and those hadn't been his hands gripping her wrists, but–

Sky cut that thought before she could finish it.

No, she didn't want to think about it, she didn't want to let Matt lure his way into bed with her and Hawk, she didn't want even his shadow touching the beautiful, precious moments when Hawk made love to her.

But it didn't matter that she didn't want to think about it - there was no driving away the terror she had felt at that moment when the past had become present and the line between reality and memory had begun to blur. She leaned her back on the wall and took a shaky breath, one after another. An irrational need to have a smoke filled her mind - Hell, she didn't even smoke, but right now a cigarette or some weed would come in need. She felt so hollow that it was a wonder she stayed on her feet at all.

He deserves a girlfriend who isn't a complete nutjob.

A girlfriend who isn't going to freak out every time he gets a bit rough in bed.

Someone normal.

Sky knew very well what she should do.

She should tell him that yes, she wanted to break up. And then he could be free. He wouldn't have to care about her issues and her stupid trauma, he wouldn't have to be scared of doing or saying something wrong, he could happily fuck some pretty girl who didn't have a shitload of baggage dragging her down.

He could be happy.

Sky's fingers were trembling as she held the phone and read the texts again.

She wanted him to be happy. She wanted that more than anything.

But how do you cut out your heart? How do you do something that kills you, even if you know it's the right thing to do?

Tears blurring her vision, she started typing.