Hawk knew he shouldn't be kissing Sky.

She had dumped him, she was clearly upset, and she was so drunk she could barely stand.

But how could he not kiss her when she glued her gorgeous body against his chest, her arms snaked around his waist and she looked up at him with opened lips and clouded eyes? He was just a guy - not a fucking saint.

A low groan left his lips into her mouth when their lips met. He was still holding the Damn Vodka bottle in his other hand, but his free hand moved from Sky's back into her hair, fingers cupping the back of her head. She sighed and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

I have to stop.

She's too drunk—

But it was fucking impossible.

The kiss tasted like alcohol - just like their first real kiss, when he had still been Eli and she had climbed to sit on his lap, that night in her room when Mom had walked in on them with the stupid plate of sandwiches. And just like that night, the kiss now grew deep fast.

When her lips opened and let his tongue enter, she whimpered into the kiss, her fingernails scraping his neck, his scalp as if she was hungry for him too, just like he was starving for her. And she had said she loved him, that she loved him still, after everything he had done, after everything she had done—

His hand moved down to her back, pulling her body tight against his. Against his chest, he felt the softness of her breasts, the hardened nipples through her top, and he became greedy for her, his throat grew thick with need.

He didn't know how they ended up against the wall - was it Sky dragging him with her, or was it him pushing her there - but she was there in his arms, pinned between the wall and his body. He had thrown away the bottle of vodka he had snatched from her fingers, tossed it onto the grass where it was spilling alcohol to the ground but Sky didn't even notice - she was too busy kissing him.

Burning, he was burning for her kisses, burning for her touch. Her hands were everywhere, feeling his chest and abdomen through the hoodie, gripping his biceps, fingers trailing the waistband of his jeans—

I have to stop this—

But that thought was nothing but a shadow, it passed through his mind without any effect. How could he stop now, when Sky was sighing and moaning into the kiss, when he brought a hand down to her hip, to her thigh, pulled her leg up on the side of his hip to get closer to her? He would fucking die if he had to stop!

"Oh God—" Sky moaned softly when she felt his clothed, rock-hard dick pressing against her. "Oh God—"

That was how he felt too. His chest was heaving with deep breaths, low growls were dropping off his lips as he brought his mouth to her neck, started kissing the soft skin under her ear. He felt the fast ticking of her pulse under his lips.

Her heart was beating. She was alive. Warm and breathing and alive, and she loved him—

Moaning, he brought his lips back to hers - the heat and slickness blowing his brain out of his skull. His tongue dipped deep into her mouth, she tasted like vodka and strawberry lip gloss.

She was sighing and trembling under his touch. He grabbed her ass, pinned her against the wall hard, grinding his aching cock against her, and Oh God it felt so fucking good, he wanted to laugh, to shout out to the world how good it felt to be in her arms again. He fucking belonged here.

He knew there were people in that backyard, kids in the pool partying and having fun. He heard them laughing and making comments, someone shouted 'Get a room!' but he didn't give a shit if people saw them.

He did want to get a room, though. He wanted to push Sky down on the bed, he wanted to open her legs and kiss her cunt until she'd be crying out his name. He wanted to fuck her deep and slow and sweet, all night long, or hard and fast and ruthless - whichever way she chose to want it—

Because she wanted it, he could tell. The beat of her heart was frantic, her body was soft and weak under his touch, her lips opened for his tongue to dive into her mouth.

She said she loves me. She fucking loves me—!

The thoughts of her being too drunk to be doing any of this were forgotten. He didn't care, he fucking wanted her and she wanted him and he didn't give a shit about the consequences. He would think about them tomorrow—

"Sky—" he broke the kiss, panting. "Sky let's go somewhere—"

She made a soft moan, and her head fell back, revealing the soft skin of her neck. Hawk dipped down to trail a line of kisses on her jugular, sucking that tender skin between his lips, highheaded on her taste.

"N— no," Sky moaned softly, but her hands were still gripping his arms.

Hawk forced himself to stop kissing her neck. He brought his face back up, placing a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"Why not?"

"W— wait," she sighed. "Please."

He was still holding her between his body and the wall, his erection throbbing almost painfully in his pants as it was pressed tightly against Sky's belly. He forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths, but he couldn't stop kissing her face - her cheeks, the line of her jaw, his lips moved back to her neck, and she moaned again—

"Hawk," her voice was weak, strangled. "W— wait. I— I don't feel so good—"

That made him stop. He brought his face up and met her eyes. She was pale, her lips trembled.

"You gonna be sick?" Hawk asked.

She swallowed, once, twice, unable to form an answer.

"Shit—" Hawk groaned, and swiftly walked her further from the pool. Her legs were like spaghetti, he almost had to carry her. They barely made it to the shadows before Sky fell to her knees and threw up in the bushes.

The stench of vomit cleared Hawk's mind like nothing else. He clenched his jaw as he crouched by Sky's side, holding her hair as she retched.

"It's okay," he breathed. "It's okay, I've got you."

But he didn't feel stable at all. Suddenly he was drawn back in time, he remembered Sky's bluish face, the vomit-stained pink blanket on her bed, the steel-sharp horror he had felt, the fear of losing her.

The arousal he had felt, now quickly vanished.

"I'm sorry—" Sky sobbed, spitting vomit onto the grass. "I'm so sorry—"

"Nothing to be sorry about," Hawk replied, still holding her ponytail back. Sky was down on the grass on her all fours, her breathing came in ragged sobs.

"You feel any better?" he asked when she stopped retching and managed to draw in some deep breaths.

She made a sound that could have meant anything, but clumsily sat back on the grass and dragged herself away from the pool of vomit, which Hawk took as a sign that the worst was behind. She tried to wipe her face with the back of her hand, but Hawk managed to find a tissue from his pocket and passed it to her.

"Here, take this."

She took the napkin with a shaking hand and wiped her mouth. Hawk wished he had water to give her, but Hell, he wasn't going to leave her alone in this state to get some.

"How are you feeling?" he asked after a while when Sky's breathing had calmed down.

She shrugged, staring at the ground. "Like shit." and then, after a short silence. "Thanks for helping me."

"You feel like you gonna be sick again?"

She shook her head, the ponytail falling over her tattooed shoulder.

"Let's go inside," Hawk said silently. "I'll get you something to drink, and some snacks. It's gonna make you feel better."

"Mmmh no. Just wanna go home."

"Okay, I'll give you a ride."

"Dad— Dad's picking me up." She laid on her side on the grass, folding her hands under her head as a makeshift pillow. "Will you... would you call him? Ask him to come already?"

Hawk's stomach went tight with anxiety. In a heartbeat, his mind went through the last time he had called Sky's dad. Standing outside their house, looking at Sky's window, fearing for the fucking worst and yet unable to even imagine the horror that would unfold. But that was in the past, and this was the present. Sky was lying on the grass right next to him, her hair spreading like a red halo around her pale face, and she needed his help.

"Fine," he said, pulling his phone from his pocket. "I'll call him."

The call was short. If Nicholas was surprised to hear Hawk's voice, he didn't say anything about it. He didn't seem too shocked about Sky's current state either - Hawk simply told him she wasn't feeling good and wanted to go home already, and that was that.

"Is he coming?" Sky asked silently, her voice still raw from the vomiting.

Hawk stuffed his phone back into his pocket and took a more comfortable cross-legged position on the grass.

"Yeah, he's gonna be here in 20."

"Will you... sit with me?"

Hawk swallowed, his throat felt tight. "Sure."

"Can I ask you something?" she asked, the alcohol still making her words soft and slurred. Lying there on her side she looked small, tired, vulnerable and every instinct Hawk had was screaming at him to hold her, to touch her, to keep her close so he could protect her—

But he kept his distance. The moment they had shared against the wall had passed, and he didn't want to ruin this fragile truce that lay between them.

"What do you wanna know?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

Her words knocked the breath out of him. He wanted to tell her he had dreamt about kissing her every damn moment of every day since their break-up, that he hadn't been able to shake her off his mind for a moment, that the memory of her lips on his was burning him like a living flame, and he would fucking die with that thought on his mind—

But the words wouldn't form on his tongue. He cleared his throat and wet his lip as a nervous gesture.

"Well, why were you all over me? Calling me pretty and stuff."

"Cause I'm clearly not as over you as I thought I was? Or because I'm a drunken slut—"

"You're not a slut," he groaned. And then: "I'm not over you either. I don't even wanna be."

A silence followed his words. A silence that was filled with the music that echoed from the party, with the sounds of cicadas, with some girls laughing and splashing in the pool. But even if full of voices, the silence felt heavy, it sat between them like a restless beast.

"I'm still in love with you," Hawk rasped, digging his fingers into the grass. "I want to get back together."

Sky opened her eyes and looked at him. She lay on her side in a fetal position, her black eyeliner was smudged and had run down her cheeks with tears, there was dead grass in her hair and probably vomit stains on her clothes, but still, she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

"We can't get back together," she whispered almost gently, but her words pierced Hawk's chest nevertheless.

"Why?" He managed throatily. "You said you loved me—"

"And I said it's not enough." She looked away from him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you kiss me. That was stupid, it was a mi—"

"Don't say it was a mistake."

"Fine. But it was." She sounded strained too, her tone a bit harsh. "I can't be with someone I don't trust. I might love you, but I can never trust you again."

Hawk swallowed, but the lump in his throat wouldn't move. It would fucking choke him.

"Fair enough. I guess I deserve that."

"You.. you can go if you want to. I get it if you don't wanna wait with me."

"Like I'd leave you alone in here." He shook his head, his fingers still aimlessly pulling grass. There was a bitter taste on his lips - regret, defeat. He despised that taste that made him feel like a fucking loser.

Hadn't he been the one to say defeat didn't exist? And yet, here it was, slapping him in the face like he was a punching bag.

He didn't say anything more - what was there to say? He had made his move, had offered her his heart on a silver platter, and she had torn it into shreds and fed it to a pack of wild dogs. He wasn't gonna try again.

Some minutes passed in silence. Hawk didn't look at Sky, he kept his eyes on the house, on the teenagers that walked in and out of the slide doors - people were jumping into the pool, the music was even louder than before. Every breath he took was painful, like there was a dagger struck through his heart.

A part of him wanted nothing more than to stand up and walk away from her, to slam his fist into a wall, to scream, to break things, to never look back.

But he glanced at her, lying there so close to him, completely strengthless, defenseless, and his heart ached. Any scumbag could walk here and do what they pleased with her if he left her alone. Or she could pass out and start vomiting again, and—

He looked away, swallowed hard. The memory of her blue lips, her complete stillness on the bed hit him in the gut like a wrecking ball.

Yeah, he would stay. He would wait for her Dad, and help her into the car, and only then—

Then what? As if the pain of his broken heart would go away even if she did.

He pushed that thought away and checked the time. It had been 15 minutes since his phone call to Nicholas. Soon he would see Sky go, and fuck it, after that he was gonna get drunk.

"I thought I would see Kat again," Sky said suddenly out of the blue. She spoke so silently that at first Hawk thought she was talking to herself, but when he turned to look at her, her glance was fixated on his face.

"You... what?"

"When... I tried to kill myself. I thought... I thought I would see Kat again." A short silence. She tried to smile, but there were tears in her eyes, they fell to her cheeks smudging her mascara even more. "But I didn't. She wasn't there. Only silence and darkness, nothing more."

He couldn't say a thing. What was there to say to something like that? His chest felt burdened with her words.

"What if... what if it means that she's really gone?" Sky breathed. "What if I'll never see her again?"

Hawk looked down at his toes, at his sneakers on the dark grass. He had never believed in the afterlife. As far as he was concerned, this one was all they got.

"I don't know," he replied. "But silence and darkness don't sound that bad."

She made a sound that could have been a sob or a laugh, he didn't know.

"No, they don't." she said, her voice barely audible. "They really don't."

Hawk knew he should say something more. He knew he should ask if she was okay, to make sure she wasn't planning to do anything to herself anymore - but the right words didn't find him.

"Sky—" he started, but just then his phone rang. Nicholas. He took the call.

"Your Dad's here. Time to go." he said when pocketing his phone again and standing up. He offered Sky a hand to help her on her wobbly feet, and she took it, her hand small and cold in his.

It was the hardest thing, to help her into the car, and then just stand on the driveway, watching the distancing tail lights, knowing he had no business calling Sky tomorrow to ask how she was feeling, he had no business greeting her in the school next Monday with a hug and a kiss.

She wasn't his anymore. And it hurt so much it almost choked him.

He stuffed his hands deep into the pockets of his hoodie, turned on his heels, and walked back into the party. He would get so drunk he couldn't feel his face, and he would let the loud music and alcohol drown every bit of this unwanted, pathetic mess of feelings that surged inside of him.

He yanked the front door open and walked in, went straight to the kitchen, and poured himself a beer into a plastic cup. With that in hand, he returned to the living room and searched his friends - Assface was there, and the other Cobras too, and to his relief, they didn't even seem to have noticed that he'd been gone. The last thing he wanted was them asking questions about Sky.

Plastering a confident fake smile on his lips, he joined the conversation, starting to take steady gulps of the beer. He laughed loudly at their stupid jokes, was just about to comment on the hotness of some chicks hanging nearby when someone tapped on the microphone and the music went silent.

Annoyed, Hawk turned to look.

Demetri stood on the small platform - where there had been a DJ before - holding the mic as if he was about to give a speech.

Fucking Demetri. Hawk had almost forgotten their previous encounter - the hurt and anger it had made him feel - but now it all returned to him, as he looked at that scrawny nerd standing in front of everyone as if he could have anything interesting to say.

"Excuse me," he started, raising his cup, his voice loud and with a sharp edge. "I'd like to make a toast. To Eli Moskowitz."

And just like that, Hawk's night turned from bad to worse.

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