I saw my life flash before my eyes. But i think there was some peace in the concept. There would be no one else to burden. No one else to fail. Now I'm not saying that I'm suicidal I'm just saying that if i was ever in a life threatening situation I don't think I'd be begging for my life. I don;t know if i would move out of the way even with my powers. Sure, vigilantism is great. It's given me so many new friends and family. Yet, the guilt of not being able to save everyone is too heavy. I've lost too many people. Ive lost my whole family except Aunt May. She's been on a 3 month cruise for the past 2 months; courtesy of mr Stark himself. My whole life and purpose of vigilantism is to protect the public and the ones i love, but its hard sometimes. I mean when I'm out being Spider man i kinda forget about everything except trying to save as many people as i can, but when I'm by myself, that's when i start to get anxious.

As much as i would love to find peace and leave my guilt behind i know that it's not possible. That's life. I decided to put myself in this situation,and so i must deal with the consequences. I can't save everyone. I can't be brave all the time. I don't know how much fight i have in me, but if these were my last moments, i would sure as hell fight for my family, and even Emma. Even at this moment i cannot be mad at her. Everyone has their reasons and pent up anger. Everyone has been wronged in their live. It's undeniable. Everyone has the power to be angry, some more than others, yet under the right circumstances anyone can kill. I can't not fight. I have people i need to say goodbye to, i can't leave them like this. I don't think i could full stop, which does help me in some situations now and again.

As i wait for the impact of the bullet to hit me from Emma's gun, i feel nothing. There is no hit.

Mr Rogers managed to sidetrack the bullet just enough to miss me. But that doesn't mean the bullet didnt meet a target

I swivel my head to behind me to see Emma's mom. Sure i didnt get the best vibe from her but that didn't justify for her to get hurt. I could tell from here that it's bad . The bullet seemed to have hit her heart. I know i should be over there to help her but i can't move. I'm frozen in fear. It scares me to see how quickly life can change. It takes me a minute to realise where i am. I don't know why i froze but in that minute, the chaos we were once in has turned considerably worse, which i didn't think was possible.

Emma was on the floor, unconscious with Nat and Wanda, whilst the rest were checking on Emma's mom. From what i saw she didn't look too good. I didn't really want to interfere with them as they had equipment such as defibrillators by their sides, so i crawled over to Emma.

Her face was banged up quite a bit. She didn't look too good, compared to when i last saw her. She's changed so much. And the worst thing is, she went into whatever happened hating me. She was the light to my soul when we were best friends. As i was Spider man, the things i saw at such a young age, did mess with me quite a bit. It took a toll on me mentally. I deal with it better now, but Emma just by being herself helped me through that dark time. I don't think i would have survived without her, yet i can't seem to. say the same for her. She seemed to have come out of whatever experience she went through stronger. Sure she may be skinnier than she was, but it was pure muscle, and the fact she had no fear, as her team mate left shows that she's much more independent. Maybe no room for any new or past friendships? My Emma might not need me anymore, but i need her. I've needed her ever since i left to protect her. One thing I'm sure about is that she sure as hell wont want to spend any time around me.

I think I'm also very scared because she was really confused when we talked. As if she couldn't remember things,a don't he things she could were only the bad things.

Sure we parted ways, but we did chat here and there in lessons, and she publicly didn't hold a grudge. We were civil with each other and sometimes made each other laugh. Yet the light that shine in her eyes usually diminished after that as she probably remembered me being an idiot and leaving her.

Those were some of the hardest times of my life, seeing the damage i caused her, even if i thought i was helping. I moved to Ned and Mj, because it seemed like they were very underground, and could help me. They're very tech savvy whilst Emma's scientifically savvy. So there was a bit if help there, but also because they were the best option. They were the most similar to me than any other friend group. But i guess it did work and i did save Emma, because the duo has been in danger many a time. She might not see it like that. Of course it car for the duo, but my feelings towards them will never be the same as to what i feel for Emma.

I think the thought that she was ready to kill me hurt worse than what i can imagine the bullet feeling like. It hurts so damn much. As much as i want Emma to wake up, so we can talk about our past and get through our problems, i am also dreading it. 1) because i don't think she's going to even want to talk to me and 2) it doesn't look like her mom's doing too good. There's going to be lot of shock, when she wakes up and the lobby is restored back to normal.

With that Wanda focused in order to guide Emma's body to a bed in the med wing, whilst we wait for her to wake up. I would wait for her in each life time, and this is where i start being honest with her and myself.

Emma's mom came down to see what all the noise was about, albeit she was curious. Now she wasn't going to join any of the fighting but wanted to see what's as going on, and if everyone was ok because even from the Avengers' floor she could hear fighting, which is scary in itself with how high up she was. Would the workers in the building be freaking out or is this a normal occurrence? She asked questions like these to herself, until it was too much and she ventured down. The thought of seeing her daughter right here and right now without waiting for the fight to be over was too much.

What she didn't expect was to see her daughter painting a gun at these people. She knew Emma wouldn't hurt an innocent soul. She had hoped that her and Nat's thoughts weren't going to be true, and that she didn't undergo torture, memory loss and personality change when she was taken but it was clear that she had. She had hoped that Madame B had learnt mercy and had been lenient towards her, but she knew better than to hope. Emma had gone through the worse thing she could imagine. Sure, she went through some torturous years in the Red Room, but she was older than Emma. She could handle things better. It always broke her heart seeing the younger ones go through such pain, and now her own child went through it. (Sure, she tried to discreetly help the little girl by cleaning their wounds when she got the chance or just letting them cry on her shoulder and comfort them, obviously without getting caught).The sole thing she swore to never allow happen; did. She felt like she had failed as a mother. All she wanted was to run to her child and comfort her. She wanted to tell her that everything would be ok. That they would survive what they went through together. She would be ok. They could cuddle for the rest of their lives and make amends, yet she knew it was to late to fix things on their life. She had ignored her child for more than half her life. What kind of mother does that and think they will he easily forgiven? Trust and love is earned not given, yet she couldn't give up, she had to try even if it was the last thing she did.

And it was. Her life flashed before her eyes, as she saw her daughter's dead eyes as she fell tot he ground being tackled by Steve. She then felt the pain of a bullet piercing her chest. It wasn't death she was scared of, it was what she was leaving behind. Her life couldn't end like this. She had yet to make things right, she would fight with all her might for her child.

Not everyone gets what they want. Life isn't fair. Life wasn't fair for her.

Sure she made mistakes, yet she was dealing with her own trauma.

The biggest trauma she experienced was leaving her child without a goodbye, cuddling, explaining herself and making things right.

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I woke up to darkness. I felt like i was floating. I loved this feeling; wherever i was. I wanted to stay here forever, it felt like i was in space. But life isn't fair, and i was awoken suddenly to blinding lights.

"Damn it" i muttered to myself, annoyed at whatever woke my peaceful rest.

The only peaceful rest i think I've ever gotten. I need to stop being so depressing.

I groggily tried to rub the sleep from my eyes seeing as these vibrant fluorescent lights were keeping me awake, and there was no chance of returning to sleep. But I couldn't. I looked down to see my wrist restrained to what looked like a hospital bed. Then the memories came back to me, and the annoyance was now filled with a giddy feeling. It doesn't matter that i seem to be caught by my enemies, i had killed an Avenger. I don't know how, but I know that Madame B must be happy with me. Hopefully if and when i get back (if I don't get killed) my contract will be over, and i will be free. Th Reed room was always repeating that killing an Avenger would guarantee freedom. I was excited.

The feeling quickly dissolved as i saw a whole lot of people experience my wave of emotions sitting around my bed. I made eye contact with each one, and realised the whole Avengers team that fought me was here. Who did my bullet hit?

I may have done bad things but i try to keep innocents alive, even though Madame b says to eliminate anyone in the way. I still have some shred of dignity.

I internally cursed myself for being so stupid, and not hitting my intended target.

Peter Parker aka Spider-Man, deserved to be dead. The whole team did. They cause damage, and that's it. I can't even look Peter in the eye. Firstly, he betrayed my trust by leaving me alone, even though he knew how much i hate being alone. I got embarrassed very easily, with social anxiety and he made school my worst nightmare as I had to do things alone. I could hear the whispers of people calling me friendless, and a loser. That hit me hard but not as hard as his betrayal of leaving. He was my best friend, but i obviously wasn't his. And then secondly, in the whole time of our friendship, he never once told me about his secret. I thought we had gained each others trust after being besties for most of our school life, but i guess not.

As i made eye contact with him once again, he had a hopeful glint in his eyes. If he thinks for one second that I'm going to forgive himself, then that kid has another thing coming. He made my life hell, and so I'll do the same. I've been the right hello these past few months so nothing he or anyone else's can do can hurt me anymore. I'm numb. The only time I wasn't was when i was with Jason, but even he left me.

I'm too tired to care about anything. It's also mixed with a bit of fear; if i ever escape or are taken back to the Red Room, i dread to think hat my punishment might be. But right now i have bigger problems. I am surrounded by my biggest enemies. I could be killed right now, forget the punishment.

It's weird thought. They all, except Peter seem to have a solemn look on their face. Maybe i shot someone that was close to them! Go me! God I'm such an icon.

I have many questions and i am uncertain about a lot of things at this time, but one thing I'm certain about is that i will not make their lives easy, and Peter will never be forgiven. Ever.

I was picked up in a taxi and taken to where the helicopter was waiting to take me and the hard drive back. It was only me and the helicopter driver, after the cabbie left. She didn't speak to me, so i returned the same energy. I was nervous, due to my superiors yet mostly about Emma. I keep having these urges of taking over the helicopter and going to save her but i can't . I can't sabotage my life's work, yet i can't get her out of my head. I can't believe I'm being weak and allowed myself to think fo things like this. Relationships can't and never work. I'm fantasising over noticing, which make matters worse inside my head back. I need my girl back.

My girl