today was.. hard.

but what day hasn't been?

i pray for days where my smile is permanent and reaches my eyes the way they used to in my school pictures.

do you miss that smile, ma?

I do.

lately it's been blank stares and tears burning the scabs on my lips from picking at my skin so fucking much.

and the burning of the smoke hitting my throat after taking care of my bundle of joy for the day.

i cry more and smile less.

but who cares? it's not like you care, mama. or him even though his face has been in my dreams almost every night as if God is trying to tell me I haven't really healed, just numbed myself instead.

but it's ok, mama.

I can't give up now. I got shit to do right?

A.