56

"You okay?" Comes whispered from my right and I turn to see Lue and Rayne by my side, following my gaze that was just on August.

I smile at them and nod. "Think so."

"Did he apologise?" Luella asks and I frown a little.

No.

But does he even have to?

"I am not expecting an apology Lue."

"I would be."

"He was sick." I say gently and nod towards the other room where they just were sat at a table, I want my food.

We walk over and Luella just shakes her head at me once she sits down. "I agree but that doesn't mean he didn't do what he did, or say what he said-"

"Luella." I shake my head back at her, Rayne doesn't know anything unless August has told him.

"What did he say?" He asks. So yeah, he doesn't know.

"Awful-"

"Nothing." I interrupt Luella. "Look it's in the past, August and I just agreed to put it behind us and that's where I would appreciate it to stay."

"Rayne doesn't know?" Lue says a little shocked and Rayne furrows his eyebrows looking between us.

I just sigh, picking at my food. This is awkward.

"Like that morning he was horrible to her."

I swallow, looking at Luella and wondering why she was saying this.

"I knew that you were a state when you came back to your house and like it was scary to see him as bad as he was, so I assumed you were just afraid." Rayne tells me.

"I was." I mumble. "I don't want to bring it up again Rayne. It doesn't matter. What happened that morning, the night before, or the whole summer doesn't even count, it's not a thing. I've exhausted thinking and talking about it."

I look to Lue. "We've spoken about this, he doesn't need to know what August said. August doesn't need to apologise, if he wanted to then I would be grateful to hear it, but I don't feel like he is obligated to."

"He so is." She mutters, shaking her head at me. "But it's your life."

"Mhm it is." I smile and she just rolls her eyes, slightly amused and she picks off some fluff from my arm, my dress. I just continue to eat and drink the ghastly wine and Rayne doesn't push it either, not now that Luella's dropped the subject too.

"Lue, Adele's outside with the car..." Luella's dad says from behind us. "You ready? I'll come with you back to your mothers and you can decide whether to stay or go."

"My car with all my things is at Em's dad." She says.

"Oh well we can just drop you there and then drive over together?"

"Okay." She says.

They hadn't been here long but Luella rightfully so was exhausted and I think her dad had been at the party since the beginning, it wasn't his fault we were an hour or two late.

Luella and I say goodbye and honestly separation anxiety edges into my heart because we literally have been together for so long but after a hug goodbye, it's okay. I watch her say goodbye to everyone else and Rayne and I just sit back down where we were.

I lean into him. "I am so tired."

Rayne wraps an arm around me and laughs. "You sleeping at mine?"

I pull back to look at him and then we get interrupted by my uncle Brandon walking past.

"You two finally together yet?" He chuckles, eyeing us.

Oh goodness. "Um well no..."

"I have a boyfriend." Rayne laughs and Brandon's lips part a little. He nods.

"Oh well poor Emmy." My uncle says, looking at me with false amused sympathy.

I gape at him, amusement filling me but still ready to fight-

"But fair enough Rayne." Is all he says as he carried on walking past us.

I look to Rayne and I grin. "So, like you're just being open and also you have a boyfriend? Pardon? Nowhere in any message or phone call-"

"I don't have a boyfriend." He chuckles, silencing me. "I just prefer to tell people that rather than saying yo I'm gay, like people get a little uncomfortable about that word, like it's associated so much with coming out that they get all unsure of how respond. So like the boyfriend thing is just easier, factual. They don't usually say congrats, or like 'you're brave' they just say ok."

I nod, sort of understanding, sort of not. It is obviously hard to truly empathise, but I understand him.

"Anyway, are you staying at mine tonight?" Rayne asks.

"I wasn't planning too." I say honestly. "I forgot I usually do these nights."

"It's usually because your parents are extra happy..." He says quietly and my face scrunches up.

"I'll talk to mum, I don't want to do anything to upset them."

He nods. "We never talked about that morning, not really."

"It was slightly traumatic." I smile gently. "I don't wanna talk about it, just wanna move past that whole season of my life."

Rayne nods. "Well um, August is on his own so I am going to go and see him. Is that okay?"

Oh.

"Oh yeah, of course. I better go and talk to other people."

"Okay talk to your mum and dad about staying at mine. We have to do our Christmas one night anyway."

I nod. "I will, but to warn you. I am exhausted so I will just fall asleep."

"That's fine Em, I literally just want you near."

I smiled at that and we both got up, heading out separate ways.

...

You know the Polar Express? What's the actual point of that story?

Is it friendship? To look out for those who you care about? I am unsure. What is it again that's hole punched into his ticket at the end?

Integrity?

No I don't think it's that.

I turn to Rayne.

"What's his word in the end? On the ticket."

Rayne shrugs. "Who knows. Believe maybe?"

We had helped mum and dad tidy up and my mum already knew that I would probably want to do Rayne's little tradition. She didn't have a problem with it, especially since we were going to go out for breakfast in the morning. To have a proper catch up.

They were a little drunk anyway, meaning they were lighter hearted. Plus, when they start to just hold hands and absentmindedly touch each other you know they're going to be all lovey dovey. Which is fine, I actually sort of love that I have parents that love each other so much. But it's uncomfortable as the offspring to be around.

I dragged myself off his bed and I picked up the snowflake I had just cut out and I start taping it up to his window.

We used to decorate his room full out every year as kids, we hadn't for a few years, but as soon as I opened his bedroom door and saw the bleakness of it all. I had this need to decorate.

So there were Christmas films playing in the background as I forced Rayne to join in my crafts and Ivy had also found us some spare Christmas lights and decorations. So Rayne was starting to put the lights up and I was sticking snowflakes to his window.

It might have also been because the last time I was in this house it was very- I don't know. I have no words to sum up how I feel.

But the crafts and the Polar Express is helping.

Jackson suggested it. To watch the film. I don't think he knew I was in pain.

That's dramatic I wasn't in pain. I was just aware that the last time I was here I was in so much pain. It's like it lingers in the air. In the walls.

"Why are you asking for the ending?" Rayne asks.

"I just want to know the point of the story."

"It's just Christmassy Em."

"Yeah I know." I say smiling a little and sitting back down on the bed. My limbs felt heavy, I decided to just get under the covers and watch him as he decorated his room.

"So..." Rayne says and he flashes me a small grin. "How over my brother actually are you?"

I pull a face, letting my eyes drift close.

"Is he here tonight?"

"Think so." Rayne says. "It's the holidays." He hardly stayed with them last Christmas. But ok.

Rayne and I, after helping clearing up the gallery, headed out into town like we do. We grab the last of whatever is still warm, tonight it was coffee and we wondered through town and looked at all the lights. We then headed to the end of the pier, the big one and we always drop the remainder of the liquids of our drinks into the ocean. The coffee, or usually mulled wine, or sometimes hot chocolate. I don't know why we do this.

But if we didn't then I wouldn't feel like the year was complete. It's a strange little tradition.

But what I mean to say is that we didn't head back with the whole family, so I wasn't sure who was actually in the house and who wasn't. But to be fair, it is late by now. Everyone would most likely be asleep.

"Emersyn I understand the question avoiding attempt but seriously-"

"Oh sorry." I say. I was just tired. "Yeah I am over it."

-"Over it enough to date?"

"If you mean you- you can go to hell-"

He snickers and jumps off his chair, he was hanging lights up, he flicks them on, then he flicks off his main light and I smile at the prettiness of it. He walks over to the bed. "No I didn't mean for me."

"What are you planning?" I mutter.

"I have a friend."

I exhale unimpressed.

"No listen okay so... I have a friend that I like."

"You like." My eyebrows raise. "So when you told me you got rid of Will you actually meant it?"

"Mhm." He hums in amusement. "Asshole." Is whispered and then he shakes it off. "No like I actually met a nice guy."

"A nice guy that you want me to date?"

"No." Rayne laughs. "I want us to go on a double date."

"Oh." I say surprised. "Wait what?"

"Okay so he works at the Student Union. August helped to get some gigs there and like so I just talked to him and then he goes to the gym with August and so I now go to the gym with August and well... you see where this is going?"

I smile a little and nod. "Tell me about him."

"His name is Jude."

"Dreamy already."

Rayne laughs. "But he's not out."

My face falls.

"No. No. Wait, like he is... he is to his parents and like he isn't ashamed."

"Oh?"

"No it's actually really weird. Like it's sort of just been slowly developing like it would do with a girl. Which I know is what it's supposed to be like, but um, well with Will things were always so toxic that I am not used to it."

I smile at that. "He sounds nice. This Jude. Oh my goodness you can sing Hey Jude and-"

Rayne looks unimpressed. "He says under no circumstances am I allowed to do that."

I laugh and he smiles, it's soft. "Em he's really nice."

Okay why am I needing to be involved then?

"The only thing is, he has a best friend. Like a you best friend."

I laugh. "What's a 'you' best friend?"

"I just mean he has an Emmy. Like he has a childhood best friend, they grew up together, and he is worried that things will change, like that Henry will get weird-"

I frown. "But-"

"It's an irrational fear. Like he says it's an irrational fear. Jude's pretty sure Henry knows anyway but apparently he's not sure and he doesn't want to assume he does but he also doesn't wanna keep pretending like he doesn't."

I nod a little.

"So Jude asked if I had anybody that I could bring on a double date, like so Jude would introduce me to Henry as his date and then Henry would well obviously get the memo but also Jude was like if there's strangers there then he won't get weird and it'll be easier for him. Plus I think he just wants me there for moral support."

This is a lot to take in.

"What is it with you asking me to do you favours on the first night back from trips?"

His eyes widen.

"No, no like, obviously it does help me I guess. But I honestly was just thinking a double date would be fun, and you need to meet new people. They both go to your uni so I meant it literally more like that. Apparently Henry's shy, I won't be pimping you out or anything."

"I have never been on a double date before." I say. "Or a blind date."

"I mean I can probably find a picture of him."

I smile. "No it's okay, sure, it's dinner anyway like-"

"Well dinner and ice skating."

I smile at that, actually a little excited. "Keep talking."

"Um Henry does History, and English Lit and Art History and sort of things like that-"

I didn't mean about the boy.

I pull a face.

"No you'll like him. Um, apparently he's tall."

"Tall." I laugh. "That's all you know?"

Rayne rolls over to reach his phone and I laugh, shaking my head at him and sitting up.

"I don't think I'm ready to like- emotionally invest." I say.

Rayne nods quickly. "I am asking you to eat food and ice skate and maybe make an awkward situation Emmy warm. That is all. I just thought I'd ask you because I do know you like meeting new people. But like I can ask someone else if you want me to. Like Britney or Claire?"

My eyebrows raise. "You're friendly with Brit and Claire?"

"Nah not really, just when they were at August's and like so was I, I talked to them a little. But I have their socials and they'd be down to-"

I pout. "Don't replace me, I wanna come now."

"Okay." Rayne laughs and he looks at the screen. "We um, totally missed half the film."

"I know." I say, looking back at the screen with a smile on my face. "I am awake now."

"I want something soothing." Rayne admits.

"Soothing?"

"Yes like icecream or-"

"But it's so cold." I say.

"Mm." He thinks. "Tea?"

I smile. "Caffeine." I nod.

Without my mum around, frowning at me, I have been drinking more coffee and tea. Like the caffeine actually seems to chill me out a little, it helps me focus. So I don't know what she thinks it'll do, like I don't know what it does to her, but it isn't a negative thing for me.

"Two sugars." Rayne tells me and my jaw drops.

"I am not-"

"But I am so comfy." He groans. "Plus I saw the way you lowered your eyes away from actually looking around, you need to get comfortable in my house again."

"But I have been travelling all day and then I went to a party and I am really tired and my legs well Rayne they just don't work."

He chuckles and presses his feet, cold as hell, against my thigh and he starts to push me off the bed, hinting, no, highly suggesting I get up and go and make the tea.

"Come down with me?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "Emmy it's just our kitchen, you've been in it a hundred times, more than that. No one's awake."

"Are you just being lazy because if that's-"

"Emersyn I just want you to be comfortable here."

Well I am not. I like his room. It's safe and a bubble.

It's fine. Like I travelled across Europe. I can go and make a cup of tea, even if he's up, like I sort of just fucking know he is, it'll be fine.

I put on more clothes, pulling Rayne's dressing gown on and he smiles a little at that, nodding to me and I just shake my head back at him.

His smile was encouraging.

I am just annoyed.

I am joking, it'll be fine.

I leave his room as quietly as possible and make my way down the hall and down the stairs.

I swallow, surprised when it feels sharp and painful. I am sure it's just the stress but damn, if I was getting sick, I would not be impressed. We have been so careful.

As soon as my feet hit the floor of downstairs, I can hear typing coming from the kitchen and I immediately turn to go back upstairs. Then I roll my eyes at myself. I just want tea, it's fine.

I walk through the little archway and fair enough, there he is, his earphones in, typing away on his laptop, surrounded by paperwork that I am sure I wouldn't understand if I even tried.

I sighed.

"Hey." I say.

He doesn't fucking hear.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I cringe.

I- I don't want to make him jump.

He must have felt my presence because he tenses and slowly he turns around and when he actually sees me he fucking startles. I tried to warn him of my presence.

"Shit." He curses and jolts himself, sending a mug he had in his hand falling clumsily down on the counter and I curse, as he does, he picks up his laptop immediately and thank goodness it missed his paperwork.

I just rush a little to get paper towels and in silence I toss them to him.

He clears up the mess.

"You made me jump."

"I know. I did say hey. You just-"

"My music was loud."

I could hear it, the earphones making slight noise.

"It's loud." I nod.

"It helps." Is all he says.

"I know." Because I did. I know it helps. I know it's one of his coping mechanisms.

He sighs. "Why are you down here?"

I wince. "Tea." I mumble, turning around and picking up the kettle to fill it. "I didn't know you were down here."

"You know I don't sleep till late."

I don't say anything.

That statement. It feels as if I know him. But I also feel like he's a stranger. It's fucking hard. Confusing more like.

I put the kettle on and then grit my teeth together awkwardly at how I needed to fill the time. I reach for the mugs and my hands freeze a little. This is like the time I came down to get water. He was high. He told me I needed to wear more clothes. He offered me food. Was he manic then too? When did it start?

I don't actually want to ask these questions; I don't even really need them answered. I just get a little curious.

"You surprised me earlier." He shares.

I don't- I don't want to talk to him.

I can be okay in silence.

I don't reply. I just get the mugs and start putting the tea in them. Spooning some teaspooned sugar in too.

"Emersyn."

My eyes close a little at his voice.

I walk to the fridge. "What are you working on?"

A sigh leaves his lips. "Astrophysics. And people's moods. It's somewhat interesting."

I nod a little. "Like how the stars make people feel?"

He nods. "I was supposed to apologise to you earlier. You threw me off."

I grab the milk and head back to the kettle and my mugs.

I am a mug.

I am actually not doing anything, my heart or my feelings are not betraying me right now. I just feel as if they could and that is scary.

I turn around.

"I wasn't expecting an apology."

"I feel as if you deserve one."

My lips tug up a little at that and I just look at him, his skin beautiful under the low light, his eyes tired, but dark.

"Why?"

"Earlier I was planning to explain my diagnoses, to explain my behaviour, that morning, the weeks leading up to it, everything I did... and then I was going to apologise because I know things got really fucked up."

I nod. "Yeah, they did."

"And I am sorry."

"You shouldn't feel guilty for the things you can't control."

"I knew I wanst okay. I was just enjoying the feeling. So I am sorry."

My face scrunches up at that, what does that mean?

"Enjoying the feeling?"

"It's complicated."

I don't want to talk about guilt. Because if he was guilty so was I and that hurts more than anything he said to me.

The fact I could have helped and I just fucking didn't.

I let out a staggered breath.

"It's fine August, it's in the past."

He nods once, watching me cautiously.

He looks at me as if I am this fragile creature. It honestly bugs me.

I pick up the now boiled kettle and pour the hot water into the mugs.