61

August and I pretended that we hadn't been arguing less than five minutes ago... and we both went back into the front room and retook our places.

Me by their feet.

Rayne was laughing at how I had snow in my hair and I was just throwing him glares until he smoothed my hair our with his hand and dropped my phone back into my lap.

I guess he had it all this time.

He also passed me back my glass of wine which had been refilled and I let out a happy sigh, leaning my back against the couch and Rayne actually reaches down and squeezes my shoulder reassuringly.

Everyone probably knew that we had just been shouting at each other.

I look up at August, almost for some weird sense of reassurance and he just seemed as if he tried not to meet my eyes.

But he accidently did. He nods. "Still here."

He said it sarcastically, as if I had looked too many times. But his tone, although cold, I knew he knew I was just- checking in.

I sigh and rest my forehead against Rayne's knee, going through my phone. Lottie is now moving onto the TV round. She makes like five second clips and we have to call out where the clip is from, what the song is, ect ect.

I am tired.

I just relax, leaning against Rayne and drinking my wine.

This is Rayne's time to shine.

August doesn't say much either, it's seriously a competition between Rayne and Ivy.

I just chill and pull my legs up a little.

Wine is nice, especially red wine. It makes me feel old. Christmas always makes me feel young. Which isn't always a bad thing. August's presence to my right isn't doing much to make me feel older. I don't know why, he just makes me feel so young and naive.

My hair is long, I never meant it to fall a little onto the cushion, but it has, and his hands had found it again. He was just absentmindedly twirling it around. I doubt he would be doing this if he knew.

God.

Everything he said. Everything he said got me so fucking mixed up.

He said he loved me then.

He said he doesn't know how he felt. That it was easier to just categorise me as a symptom of bipolar.

I swallow and take a sip.

If I was the same girl that left this town three months ago I would be slowly growing determined. I would want to show him that what he felt for me was not solely a result of him being manic. I would probably start this whole thing again.

I would want to fix this, I would try and be his friend, I would probably fall all over again and I would probably successfully show August that he can feel things. That he did feel things for me. That is what I would hope to happen. But. That's not going to be my story. Continuously fighting August Parker to enjoy my company. Persuading him I'm not too bad.

I am a treat.

Well okay, I am not at all the best person in the world. But I no longer find it... romantic to fall for someone when they are not feeling the same. It's so self-destructive.

I don't know what I was doing last summer, but I for sure am not going to do it again.

August fingers are trailing through my hair and I lean my head back down on Rayne's knee, closing my eyes for a second.

It hurts.

It hurts to remember that moment in his room where he questioned what the fuck I was doing, where he brushed my hair and ran his hands through it. When he gripped it and I realised for the first time that I had this desire to be touched differently... And how he learned that... how I don't think I'd ever be comfortable with another person like how I was with him.

And I don't know whether that is because the level of comfortable August and I got went above what is maybe normal. Or whether he just fucking broke me.

That I can't imagine ever being like that with someone else.

His hands are running through my hair and I just can't.

I reach up behind me, I am sure Rayne noticed. I pull my hair down my front, feeling as August pulls his hand away.

God.

I know I can't let this evening and the emotion of it all make me want to do anything impulsive. Because as the thoughts crossed my mind that August might have had feelings, he just is unsure. I also get slammed in the face with the fact me, my presence, is not what he needs. At all. He's getting there, he's working on himself. Rayne says he's going to therapy, he's talking to my dad again, he's taking his medication again.

And I know... I know that he didn't have a break down because of me. But I was there, a factor, a contributing aspect to it all.

So not only do I need to protect myself. I can't do this to him. This thing where I worm my way back into his life. So yeah after tonight, I'll let go of it all.

And so I focus on Lottie, sitting up a little and she smiles that I started to pay attention to her.

She nods to me and I say the film that she just played.

She laughs and adds another tally to our chart.

We're going to win, parents are going to say it's unfair because we had three.

I just look down and check my messages.

I outwardly blush at her bluntness and lock the phone. Looking up at Lottie again.

She grins outwardly and Ivy and Jackson are just smiling widely at her, he's shaking his head. My parents look tired. Yay.

Hopefully that'll mean leaving time soon.

All our family come round on Christmas day. I don't know how it happened. Mum complains about it all the time. How it's so much pressure to host on Christmas.

She loves it really.

She loves having so much family around us.

But yeah, basically they should be arriving soon, the family. Either people drive down tomorrow morning or they drive down tonight and either stay at home with us or stay in a hotel.

I never really know who's doing what.

But I know for sure that Mum's family is coming. Like her dad and Sheila. Lucy and Max are coming I think, along with their little bubba. I don't know where Jacob was during Liam and Dylan's wedding but yeah, he's about five and I love that they're coming. Liam and Dylan are coming too. Which is exciting. It'll be the first time since I've seen them since the wedding.

Then Dad's family comes too. All of them most of the time. Nanny Roe and Grandad, Alice and her husband, who never seem very happy, but I think they're just private people. Brandon comes with his daughter, her mum left them. It's a family sore spot. But they're happy as ever. And then Uncle Chris comes with his family, he's got a son about the same age as Lucy's Jacob.

There's going to be so many of us and I am going to be so happy through it all.

I am the first grandchild; I still get attention. It's fun.

And presents. Is it materialistic that as much as I love giving presents, I also love receiving them? It's so fun.

I love when you make a fuss over the present and the giver gets so happy.

Anyway, our family will be arriving soon or well, we have to get up early in the morning.

I help with Christmas dinner. As much as I can. I don't do well with organised chaos. It just feels like chaos to me.

And then I apparently make it more chaotic. Mum just gives me jobs. Like crossing the sprouts.

That's always my job because it keeps me focused.

God I sound like a kid.

I smile at that, sitting up and drinking the last of my wine.

Isn't Christmas a time where you're allowed to feel like a kid anyway?

Rayne knocks my shoulder a little and I slide to the side as he gets up, so much so that my side was now pressed against August's legs.

I did not need to move that much.

Lottie was done now.

We had won.

I had smiled at the appropriate time.

I was just- overthinking life right now anyway.

August didn't move away from me and for a split selfish second I just wanted to lean against him. His leg, it wasn't even him, just the contact felt so unnecessarily soothing it was- I just exhale in annoyance and look up, turning around to look up at him.

"Stop." Is what he whispers down at me. My eyes widen in surprise.

"Stop what?"

"Thinking so hard."

How does he even know?My silence properly.

I let out a weak laugh and I drop my head, leaning it against the side of his knee and August exhales in probably stress. His hand comes and presses gently against the back of my head. It was almost as if he was trying to comfort me.

My dad coughs, clears his throat and I pull away, turning around to look at him. I must look exhausted because his amused fake anger dissipates when our eyes link.

He pouts at me and I smile a little weakly at him.

August had dropped his hand when my dad tried to get our attention. Obviously.

"You tired?" My mum asks.

I just nod. "Exhausted."

This evening had been draining as hell.

My dad and mum immediately start saying thank you and Merry Christmas and things to Ivy and Jackson.

I gather it's our time to go and I start to stand up too. I go to Lottie and she- having grown is practically my height now. It's awful. She's thirteen. She hugs me.

"Are we coming to yours tomorrow night?" She says pulling back and I shrug, looking at Ivy and Jackson.

"Oh no, not this year, Nanny Beth and Grandad are coming down Dots."

Lottie's eyes light up.

They're Ivy's parents.

"Oh okay." She says and looks at me. "But boxing day."

I nod. "Mhm, see you then."

I sort of blatantly ignore saying goodbye to August.

I don't know what to say to him. So, instead I just go find Rayne who is stood typing away on his phone in the kitchen.

"We're off." I tell him. "You talking to Jude?"

"Mhm." He smiles and opens an arm for me. "You okay Em?"

"Yeah I am." I swear. "Tired though."

"Yeah me too." He laughs. "Will messaged me."

I withdraw and scowl. "If you replied-"

"No, no." He says quickly and shows me the message. "I even deleted his contact, so it was just the number."

I nod slowly.

Rayne looks at me. "I need some moral support in blocking him."

A small smile grows on my face and I take the phone. Rayne watches me as I very dramatically, slowly creep my finger up to the block button.

Within a few seconds William is blocked and I feel Rayne exhale in relief.

"I really didn't think he'd message me."

I turn to him. "You need not to dwell on it."

"I am not. Ima facetime Jude in a second."

I smile. "What's going on there then? Like are you two official or?"

"We haven't even kissed."

My eyes widen, smiling a little. "Raynie, Raynie, are you loosing your touch?"

"Maybe." He says, widening his eyes for dramatic effect. "Nah we're just taking it slow, getting to know each other. It's really nice."

"Good." I laugh. "But make sure you kiss him soon, otherwise he might get the wrong impression."

"Got it." He nods and I smile, wrapping my arms around him again and then Mum and Dad are calling me for my where abouts and I head out to the front, saying goodbye to Ivy and Jackson on the way.

"You know..." My dad says as we walk up the drive away from the Richardson/Parker house.

I sigh in annoyance. I hope he leaves it.

"Mm?"

"Rayne and August are gifting Jackson and Ivy with deed polls tomorrow."

I look up at my dad.

"Deed polls?" i don't know what that is.

"It's the official documents for a name change."

My eyes widen.

Rayne, why don't I know this? That's something you tell your best friend. I suppose I haven't even been in town a week yet, but seriously? Okay...Maybe it's because I have a big mouth.

"Oh they're going through with it?" I ask. "I thought it was just a- August said about it when he wasn't okay." I explain.

Like he so wasn't okay when he was thinking about changing his name to Richardson after Jackson. He was full of all sorts of justifications that didn't make any sense.

"No he wants to." My dad says, my mum is walking behind us a little.

It's just me and him.

She's probably checking her emails. Paintings is a pretty common gift to get someone for Christmas, hence mumma being super ass busy at the holidays.

"Oh I am glad then. For Ivy and Jackson."

"I have a point." My dad says.

Oh god.

"Mm."

"That there is a reason you and August got close. There's a reason you knew him more than the rest of us last summer."

Okay Dad, I didn't expect that. Ouchie.

"Dad.-"

"I am just saying sweet, that these boys are our family. And I know it must be excruciating being forced to be with August during things like tonight. But I want you to remember that whatever happened, you two were close. And we are all family. And he trusted that information about the name thing with you before he ran it past anyone else. I am just saying that you could go home tonight and not speak to August again. There are not many intimate functions like tonight left you know? So you could not speak to him again, or you can focus on the good. And remember you were friends."

Focus on the good.

This parental advice is nice, and I am glad he is loving August so much that he's trying to make things better between us. But gosh this isn't what he should be saying to me.

"It's just something to think about Bubba, don't look so-"

I look up to meet his eyes. I wondered what my face looked like.

"Confused." He finishes.

I just grimace and turn back to look at mum. She gives me a gently smile.

My dad is slowly growing excited as we head towards my house.

"Right girlies." He says. "Stay here."

It was dark.

And cold.

I pull a face.

Mum pulls a face.

"I want to run and turn the lights on so you can feel Christmassy as you walk down the drive."

My mum laughs at Dad, we say often that he doesn't seem to grow up.

"Okay go on then Cole, I am cold." She says.

He jogs away from us and she walks to me, linking her arm round mine and we start walking down towards my dad's direction.

Slowly.

She sighs. "It must be a little confusing now that you're back and dad's suddenly in defensive Leo mode."

"Mm." I hum quietly.

My dad flicks the lights on and admittedly he did a good ass job this year. It's beautiful. Lights covering the house almost extravagantly.

Our poor electricity bill.

Not that I pay any of it...

"August told you dad, one day in hospital that he wanted you, that he missed you. Your dad has never forgotten it. It really did something to him." My mum says and the small lump that had been gathering in my throat all evening slams up, almost painfully.

I couldn't even breath as I took in those words.

Missed me. Wanted me.

"August doesn't even remember it. He was pretty distressed at the time. But your dad does. So he's a little- you understand?"

I nod. I get it, I guess.

"He just feels invested. But Emersyn. You know what to do. I am so proud of you and the strength you had all evening tonight. I liked seeing you with your friends earlier this evening. With Rayne's boyfriends' siblings. You are such a bright light and you always have been. And we did see it fade a little last summer. Please don't let anyone have that ability to dim you again."

I swallow and nod. The lump is hard up there in my throat.

"You have this baby. Your fresh start with Luella, Uni is in what, two weeks? You are moving. You have the whole world at your feet right now Em. I understand what your dad is saying. But I also understand that you are more important."

"Mum." I scold a little. "I am not more important."

My mum scoffs. "Your dad loves August as if he is his son. He does. We all know that. We all love your dad more for it. But parents don't have a favourite child. You love them equally yanoe? But I have one baby. Always have. And that is you."

I feel so emotional, oh god.

She rubs my arm as we walk down towards my dad, who is just stood proud with himself at the doorstep. He'd been inside, put the heating on, turned the lights on.

"For more than half my life now Emersyn you have always been the most important person in my world. And I know every mum feels like their babies are special, but you truly are Em. You brought light for me in the absolute darkest times, you did for you dad too. God Em, the lowest I've ever seen you dad, you were there wiping tears from his face."

I let out a small breath and my vision blurs, because I am so god damn emotional. She sounds emotional a little too. And at that thought, a tear slides down my cheek and I don't really feel embarrassed at that.

"You brought him light then Em. A reason to fight. With Rayne the same thing. You didn't know what was going on with August all through the years, but Rayne was always here, laughing loudly at your cheekiness, you weren't even aware but you gave him a place to go when things got tough with his brother. And then your friend Luella, you know it. You have been her rock."

Tears are sorta big now. I imagine my Dad's grin fading as we neared. I can't see it because my vision is just a watery mess.

"But." My mum pauses before we get to my Dad. "That is not your job. Your gift might be bringing people out of darkness Em. It might be and I love you so much because of it. But it's not your responsibility to do that. And I need you to remember that."

I just nod and she wipes my face with her gloves, smiling at me as she clears away my tears.

"Sorry to get all sentimental. Just had some things on my mind."

I laugh, blubber, cry. Whatever. I am a mess.

"Yeah. Thanks." I snort, turning to dad and we walk to him. "Mumma made me cry."

"We were happy like a second ago? What even happened-"

She laughs. "It's a mummy and daughter thing Bub, you wont get it."

He heaves a sigh. "This is why I recent you both. I am here. I am not a third wheel."

I laugh at that and walk up to him, her swings an arm around my shoulder.

"Emersyn tell me you love me more than you love your mum."

"Okay." I say, leaning into him.

"I love you to Neptune and back."

"Mhm. I told you." He looks at Nove. "That's further than the moon."

"We say that you are my sun, my moon and all my stars, Cole. It's not a distance thing."

He squeezes me almost protectively away from my mum and I laugh, we are all heading into the kitchen.

Hopefully for hot chocolate.

"Shush Nova, I am having a moment with my favourite daughter."