"Nabokov himself has stated that Lolita is a novel "without a moral" so it's a hard one to pin down. There is so much beauty amidst a whole lot of ugly. It is easy to recognize that the style of writing is beyond extraordinary–. It also, however, highlights the utter disgustingness that is paedophilia."

My lecturer continues. "If this had been a book about two lovers of approximately the same age it would've been declared as one of the most artfully crafted works of romance literature to date, but instead it was focused on a 12-year-old child, the context being statutory rape."

"As a reader you are almost assured to get lost in the words once in a while, but you also walk away from it 100% reassured that the crimes Humbert Humbert commits are unacceptable and vile. After every sit down with the text I would carry the weight of what I read around for hours, unable to escape the dirty feeling one gets from reading such scenes."

"So for this assignment I want you to explain how. How Nabokov does this. How he writes such disgusting ideas and moments, but makes the reader get lost in them. I was you to show me through methods and language how an author has managed to do this.... And I also want you to tell me why."

I just take short notes as he speaks on the assignment. There's an assignment brief as well. So I don't worry too much. Just listen.

"How and Why are the focus of this essay. So please remember that. I don't want analysis of his flowery language, if I see the word simile or metaphor, I will pull my hair out. I want pure analysis and thought. Okay?"

We all sorta nod and he flashes a grin.

"Great. Come to the front if you have any questions. If not. I look forward to reading your essays."

Everyone starts to pack up and I drop my notebook into my bag.

"Hey you wanna grab coffee?" Tate asks. They always ask this and I usually say yes. But Henry was coming to meet me today after this lecture so instead I just sent them a smile.

"Sorry, my friend's coming to meet me. But next week?"

"Yes." They smile, extending the s sound and Tate grabs their bag and swings it in their shoulder, I practically have to dodge it. They do this every single week.

This is the only lecture we share. Controversial Lit, but I always sit next to them and for the past few weeks we've been going for coffee after.

Tate is nonbinary, they explained about preferring they/them pronouns last week over coffee and i am not going to lie, it takes a lot of practice to get it right. But it's amazing meeting so many new people and so many people who are just unapologetically themselves.

Tate is sort of the most beautiful person I have ever met. Like is it bad that I genuinely chose to sit next to them because I for real just saw them and thought they were so beautiful that I had to talk to them? Like they have a shaved head and their eyes were so big, bright green.

When I asked if I could sit they immediately complimented my clothes and from then we just exchange compliments for the first five minutes of the lecture until Sam comes in and starts the lecture.

I look forward to it all week, it's fun.

We head our separate ways and as I push open the door looking around for Henry I notice him shivering cradling take away coffees in his hand.

I skip down the steps to him and grin.

"Hiya."

He looks up.

"Hey you, you look cheerful."

He passes me a coffee and I say a thank you.

"Good class?" He says after taking a gulp of the hot drink in his hands.

"It was actually very disturbing. But it's extremely interesting." I say.

He laughs at me and nods. We fall into easy conversation as we walk together through campus, heading out to go home.

Well my home but well- We were going to get started on the Art History assignment.

So yeah, it's been a few weeks since New Year's Eve. Things have been going good. University classes are exactly how I thought they'd be.

Extremely interesting, inspiring, and overwhelming.

I can do the work, it's not that. It's just sort of that I have this all or nothing situation going on. Where I will get super inspired and bang out an essay in one evening. Or it takes me two weeks to complete just one essay and the annoying thing the latter always gets the lower grade.

I am also slightly hyper focused on the need to create art at the moment.

My Fine Art class. Man. I love it. I never thought I would love it so much. But I do.

I've spent so much money on art supplies. Christmas money, so it's fine. But like- I just want to create and mix medias and my favourite thing right now is coming home from my create writing class- practicing the techniques they speak about and then I sort of write them down on a canvas and paint over them. It's so much fun.

Luella is slightly unimpressed with the fact I keep stinking the flat out with paint fumes. But she also says she feels like she's living in a movie with a crazy artist friend and that gives her good vibes so I just smile and hope she doesn't actually start to get annoyed.

She doesn't come home all the time.

Her and T have started things up again. I keep trying to talk to her about it and she just gets really uncomfortable. But she said she wanted to talk tonight so we're going to make dinner together and have a chat.

I also have missed two therapy sessions because of my art thing.

And because I am so nervous.

I don't know why I am nervous. But I am... But I rearranged for tomorrow.

The lady seems so nice on the phone, she called me after I missed the second one. Hearing her voice made me feel better.

So I will be going tomorrow.

Lue said she'd come with me. Like to the office she said she'd actually do her course reading as she waits so it would be useful for her too.

"You wanna get food after?" Henry asks as I unlock the front door.

Every time I walk into the building, I wonder whether I'll see T or August walk out.

I haven't.

August and I haven't talked since that moment in his bedroom.

I am thankful for him staying away.

"I can't." I say as I push the door open. "Lue and I have made plans."

"Welp." Henry laughs and follows me in. "Oh and you left your jumper in my room last night, I just forgot to bring it."

I send him a grin and dump my bag down in the sofa, he does the same. He's had lectures all day too. We lazily move about taking our coats off and hanging them up.

"You just hoard my things."

"No you just leave your things everywhere."

"I don't." I laugh.

He gives me a look that says I am lying and I just shrug. Maybe I do.

"Well, I will come and pick everything up soon."

Henry and I have been hanging out a lot. Like I have said a few times I don't do well with being alone and I for sure do not do well with studying alone. So when Luella is out, Henry comes round a lot.

Henry also comes round a lot because Rayne and Jude are in the stage of their relationship where they can't keep their hands off each other. Henry says that although he is utterly supportive, he would much prefer to be here.

So he is here.

And he helps me focus.

So.

Smiles.

"Right. Food. Get changed. And then let's work." He says and I smile a little, ducking my head and going to the kitchen to grab us food.

I toss him some snacks we had and he nods, putting them in bowls and I head over to my room to get changed.

Henry stays out here as I put on comfier clothes, all my clothes are covered in paint and it's sort of getting ridiculous. My mum says I need to just hand wash it out and then wash them regularly. It's sort of a lot of effort to be honest.

I chuck my hair up and I smile at him as he's already clearing up my art things from this morning and placing them to the floor.

"Hey."

"Hey." He says. "You wanna just go through the assignment and then make a plan? Then we can start on the plan next time I am around."

"I feel motivated." I say. "We could just see how much we could get done."

He smiles a little at me. "We'll do the plan and then see how we feel?"

"Okay." I agree and so we just get to work, Henry is confident in things like academic work and I sort of admire that. He listens to my ideas and smiles slightly when he agrees with something I say, when he doesn't, or when he wants to add to my idea, his face is straight but attentively listening.

It's strange that I need those smiles now. Like when we're talking, I will just keep talking until he gives me a smile. Then I know it's okay.

I also have these big crisis moments whenever Henry leaves where I know, I know that if this summer had never happened then I would for sure feel very differently about Henry right now.

Like it's mad to think that if everything with August hadn't have happened then I would probably be on my merry way to relationship land with Henry. Instead, we are friends and apart from the occasional hug he hasn't tried anything more.

I don't know what I would do. Gosh.

He could have, like I spent the night at his the other night, by accident. I mean I didn't intend to but I fell asleep and then he woke me up and told me that it was getting late and I sort of just ignored him and went back to sleep.

But I mean, in the morning, we were just talking and we were close and he was looking at me in that way he does and I wondered what he was thinking.

I do keep telling him though, not outrightly, that we are just friends. I just keep distancing and I never do anything that purposely would lead him on. Or well I try really hard not to. I know how that feels. For someone to say they are not available but to send mixed signals anyway.

So yeah...

Anyway Henry and I just plan out our assignment and then admittedly we move into my room to chill. I could keep going, but he's tired so I just join him on the bed and start going through the Lolita assignment.

"You are high energy today." He mumbles and he scoots down in bed getting comfier and I sit besides him on the covers scrolling through the brief.

"I woke up early and then had breakfast and coffee and then I did some painting until I got ready to go to classes and then all my classes were really good, then you brought me more coffee and well I am just in a good mood."

He smiles. "Productive day."

I nod. "And productive evening." I say. "We got the plan done so now it's easy."

"You're funny."

"Mm?" I ask.

"You find all the work so easy and the concepts just come to you. But like yesterday you were fully not into learning and today it's the opposite."

I just awkwardly smile. "I like to change my mind."

He sniggers. "Right."

I pick at the strawberries we had just cut up and brought wit us into my room and he looks at me.

"Did you have lunch today?"

I raise an eyebrow at that.

"Why?"

"Usually, you tell me what you ate. You haven't today."

God I must really just ramble on to him.

"I skipped lunch because at lunch I wasn't hungry as I ate loads at breakfast and then I had a lecture and then I met you and we had snacks back here so-"

He nods and lays his head down on the pillow. "I was just checking."

"Okay." I say. I am sort of used to people checking what I eat. Luella does it almost every day.

I've lost some weight.

I don't know why. Like at all. I am eating three meals a day. Usually. But um, when mum came to visit me the other day I noticed her questions about my weight and then I looked at myself and I realised I had in fact lost weight.

Not that I weighed myself. I don't do things in moderation and so I just know that I need to not watch numbers on a scale.

My stomach is the flattest it's ever been, and I know I shouldn't probably like it. But I kinda do and I didn't do anything to lose weight, it just happened.

So... I don't know if that's unhealthy or not. I don't know. Like genuinely have no idea.

Henry and I have been watching Doctor Who. It's his comfort Tv apparently. It's very dorky I kinda love it. But anyway, that is what we are currently doing. Well what we are supposed to be doing. Henry is falling asleep and I don't really know what to do about it.

But I mean, he can have a nap if he wants.

Fair enough.

I continue to work besides him as he sleeps until I realise Luella will be home soon and I better go clear up all our shit. It's not like necessary, but it's nice, good roommate behaviour, right?

Yeah, so anyway I was clearing the dishes away when Luella unlocks the door.

I don't look back, I probably should have done.

"Oh hi Em." Lue says. "I thought you were going to be out-"

"Oh no, we decided to work here. Henry's asleep-" I explain and turn around.

Trev and August are stood behind Luella and Lue just sends me a sheepish look.

I don't really find my voice again. Luella fills the silence.

"I am just popping in with the boys because they needed to borrow the printer and sign their new tenancy agreement and like I said I'd be a witness for it..."

August looks confused as he looks at me. He hits Trev's shoulder gently and Trev turns to look at him. August asks him a small question, too quiet for me to hear and T nods, looking slightly guilty and August stares at T's face for a few second and then he shrugs.

"Hi." I say to them both. "I was just clearing up, I'll let you-"

Be.

I'll go in my room.

I walk towards them and Luella tries to catch my eye and I avoid it, moving easily through them.

"Blue." Trev says and I turn around slowly. "Where you going?"

My lips part. "I have a friend round." I say softly.

"You just said he's asleep." T says. "Stay. I haven't seen you in weeks."

"I-"

"What are you up to?" He asks, smiling at me and looking towards the corner where I have been cramming my art.

"How'd you know that's me?"

"Cos Lue looks at art and sees colour and that's all."

She rolls her eyes. "Excuse me I am travelled and well cultured now. I understand it a smidge more."

I laugh at that and then Trev and I head towards the pile of crappy art I've been doing. August places his laptop down besides Henry's on the tabletop and he opens it, Luella and he start ti figure out the printing out of whatever document it is that is needed.

"You okay?" Trev whispers quietly. "August didn't know you lived with Lue. Lue said you'd be out so we thought it would be fine."

"It is fine." I say. I look up at him. "Why didn't you tell him?" I whisper.

He shrugs. "I try not to bring your name up."

I just nod at that.

I'd prefer them not to be talking about me anyway.

"You look nice." He says gently as we stand back up.

I pull a face at him. I was in sports clothes, leggings, bra, I thought it was just Henry and Luella so when I came out to the front room I took my jumper off, thinking I'd just put it back on if Henry woke up.

I reach for my jumper insecurely and Trev watched me worriedly.

I just stare back confused.

It was nice to see him.

I feel like I've totally just removed myself from them. Like that life. I feel bad. I didn't necessarily mean to stop talking to Trev these past weeks. I just have been really focused on working on myself.

"Your art is cool Em."

"Thanks it's been fun getting back into art."

"Back?"

"I dunno. I go in and out of it." I tell him and August presses print and Luella jogs over across the room to collect the papers.

The paperwork is brought over and they sign things I just sort of twiddle the end of my pony tail.

I watch August.

He was just in shorts and a top. Socks and no shoes. He looks like he's just woken up to be very honest.

I gather Trev probably dragged his ass up here to sign the papers.

My eyes trail down him, I check his arms, they're scarred. But clear elsewise. I exhale a little at that and my eyes lift back to his face.

He looks very very tired.

"Right. I have a lecture." August says and looks at Trev as soon as they're finished. "Done?"

"You have a lecture now?" Luella asks.

August just shrugs. "No like a catch up thing. It's via zoom."

"Oh." Lue says. "Are you falling behind?"

He just frowns a little and then shrugs tiredly at her again.

"Well, we all study here on Wednesday nights and Library late nighters on Fridays if we have no other plans. Join."

"Sounds riveting." August draws lamely, replying to Luella's invite.

I just frown, picking at the skin on my fingers and I feel the scoff coming before I hear it.

"Don't worry Emersyn I won't come." His voice is cold, not bitter or malice. Just tired. Bored.

I look up. He expects me to feel called out, I am sure.

He used to do this thing where he'd read what I was thinking or feeling, tell me and I would say that I liked that.

I just say nothing and walk away from the table and back into the kitchen. I continue putting the dishes away and I hear Luella saying goodbye to both Trev and August.

Trev calls my name.

I turn around.

"Stop being a stranger. I miss you. Reply to my texts yeah?"

I nod dumbly.

My eyes move to August who was also stood their looking at me.

I raise an eyebrow at him and he just shakes his head. As if he really hasn't got anything to say.

I look at T. "Bye T, I'll text you promise."

He smiles and opens the door for August and August goes to head out.

I sigh.

I feel bad.

I am not this person who acts cold just because someone acts cold towards me. Or just because someone has stressed me out. He's probably not exactly been having the best three weeks and I shouldn't be so insensitive to that.

I have had been really enjoying my life lately and there is no need to be like this.

I don't want to be the person who creates a weird drift. I am better than that.

And nicer.

"August?"

He turns around.

"We have pizza on Wednesdays at 5. Then we study. So bring money if you want to eat and on Fridays we meet at ten at the Library. Usually fifth floor. But if you both wanna come..."I say looking at T as well. "Text me or Lue and we'll meet you outside and then we'll find a big enough place."

It was Thursday today.

So tomorrow.

August just nods once and then walks out.

T is a lot more responsive.

"It sounds good Emmy, right, I have to go because food is cooking but I'll see you tomorrow?"

I smile and nod and he slides out, following after August.

I just look at Luella and she winces and shuts the door.

"I am sorry! You said you'd be at Henry's and I thought there's no harm. And I thought if he saw your things or something and asked it would be a good easy way of saying oh yeah she is my roommate. Because it's sort of strange that he doesn't know you're literally here a floor above him."

I just nod.

"I should have text to check." She nods. "I am so sorry."

"Stop." I say. "It is fine. It was fine right?"

"No it was awful. The tension. God. You and him are never going to just get on are you?"