Trigger warning- talk of depression and suicide and eating behaviour. just talk. but I thought I would mention it here.

I hope everyone's day is okay. remember to vt and comment!

"It's going to be fine." Luella whispers to me. "I go to every week and they are always fine Emersyn."

I glare at her. "The first one I went to I had a meltdown after." I hiss at her.

"So does everyone." She whispers back.

My eyes widen and she giggles a little and rubs my arm. "I am joking, I'm sorry I see we need seriousness right now. Emersyn, I love you, you're strong, beautiful, it is well in your capabilities to go and chat to a lady for an hour."

I just throw her a terrified look.

I am getting myself worked up. I just- things are hard work. Everything. Luella had to practically drag me here. She woke me up and everything.

"It will be fine." She promises.

"I will cry."

"No you won't." She laughs. "Em you're fine. You're good right? Like it's just precaution isn't it?"

I just drag my hands down my face.

The dramatics are distracting me.

"I promise you, that whatever happens I will have you distracted from it." She says. I look at her. "See does that make you feel better? Even if it's bad, even if it upsets you, we can get out of here and we can figure out something to do to take your mind of it."

I just nod.

"See." She says. "It's okay."

I nod.

The door opens and Luella laughs when look at her in distress.

"Emersyn?" A lady calls and I look around to her.

"Hey." I say.

She looks at Lue briefly and then smiles at me. She was pretty young, about my mum's age. But she was dressed casually, her office door behind her as she sent me what I could only describe as a kind smile.

I smiled back.

She laughs a little and nods her head to me. "You wanna come in?"

I stand up and look back at Luella she just rolls her eyes at me playfully and pushes my ass to get me walking.

"Your friend may come in if you'll be more comfortable?"

I consider it.

Luella has things to do.

I just shake my head and she guides me into her office.

"Take a seat." She says and I take the seat opposite her desk because why not.

I take my coat and things off. I had previously been sat there sweating.

"I'm Freya." She says and she takes a seat down opposite me. "You've been referred to me by your doctor back home."

I nod a little. "I only saw him once. Like- he's not really my doctor."

"Oh okay. Did you see any other doctors?"

I shake my head. "Just the family one- like obviously for things growing up."

She nods and gives me a small smile. "How are you feeling? Would you like some water? Or tea? I finally got permission to have a kettle in my room but none of you students even like tea."

"I like tea." I say gently and she flashes me a grin.

"Great. Would you like sugar?"

"Er no thankyou."

"Okay." Freya gets up from behind her desk and she moves to her little fridge and kettle set up in the corner of her room. "I have your name as Emersyn Rose. Is there anything you would prefer me to call you over these sessions?"

"How many sessions did he refer?" I ask and she looks back at me.

"Six."

Oh that's not too bad.

"But that'll be six to do a deep diagnosis." She says gently. "On paper you look a little complicated I must say."

I don't think- that I have anything to seem complicated about.

The eating thing is under control.

So-

And the bipolar thing well- it was August not me.

Although when I said this to my dad the other day in explanation why I had not yet seen this lady he explained to me that their worries were not all due to the August things and that I should not just disregard that I too was not perfectly okay last summer.

I hung up on him.

I am joking obviously I didn't hang up on him.

I just visualised doing it and then changed the subject.

Anyway.

"You can call me Em." I say. "But Emersyn is fine."

"Okay." She says.

I remember what she said about the sessions being for diagnostic regards.

"What if you just figure out that I am fine?" I ask.

She looks at me confused.

"Then we celebrate. We gather that you are all okay and that nothing is making your life harder than it needs to be and you go on your way."

"Oh."

"Emersyn we want that to be the case. I read your file. I want it to just be your mother excessively worrying. But we may as well figure it out right? Together?"

"I mean sure."

She walks back over to me with just one mug of tea and I feel sort of internally uncomfortable that she didn't make herself tea too.

Instead she goes back and sits down.

"How has the start of university been, I have it here you have been travelling this summer?"

I smile and nod. "Yeah we sort of took semester one out." I say. "But it's been really good- like starting university."

"Has it been hard to make friends? You seem to have brought one with you today? So I assume-"

"Oh, I um, obviously I don't really know many other first years because I missed freshers and stuff but I sit next to people and go for coffee with them every week. Like there's a person in one of my lit classes and then a girl in my art that said about going for a drink."

She smiles at me and nods.

My eyes widen a little at the way I just sort of rambled.

This is my natural habit. A space where I can just fucking talk and talk and not be seen as a social problem.

"You said not having met many first years, do you know other people who go to this uni?"

I nod. "I went travelling with my friend who's outside and we share a flat and she goes to this uni too."

"Oh I see." She smiles.

"What about uni work?" She asks. "I imagine it's a little intense. Usually in semester one it's sort of settling you in and helping you learn what to do. Semester two is when the proper work begins."

I just pick at my hands a little.

"Um my friends are all in the years above. Like I have a few others as well so they've been helping me focus and things and it's been going okay. Like I've had some good feedback on some assignments."

"Oh good." She smiles. She had long thick hair, I could tell. But it was bunched at the bottle of her head in a bun. It was scruffy but it looked nice. Her hair was also a bright orange colour and I wonder whether it was a natural colour. Her eyebrows seemed dark. So I wasn't sure.

"Em?"

"Oh sorry." I say. "What did you say?"

"I asked how you are feeling about being here today. I noticed you missed our last two sessions."

I pick at my hands under my sleeve. "I was slightly nervous. When I saw your colleague, he really overwhelmed me."

She cocks her head. "What happened?"

"Um. I think I was just stressed that morning anyway and then he was going through a questionnaire about eating with me and I didn't know we were going to be talking about that and then from eating behaviours he went to mania and it was just a lot."

"Did it cause any adverse reactions?" She asks.

I raise my shoulders in defence. "What do you mean?"

"Well I agree with you, that sounds utterly overwhelming. And I wondered if you felt like that, overwhelmed. Anxious that sort of thing?"

I remember crying into August's chest.

I swallow.

"I got upset and I am sure I was a little rude to him. But nothing more." She nods.

"How about food that day? Did you struggle?"

I shake my head.

"Emersyn can I give you something to fiddle with?" She says suddenly and I freeze.

"Pardon?"

"I just caught on that you're-" She nodded to my hands. She stands up and goes to one of her draws and goes through it.

My fingers were a little bloody. It's a new habit.

"You got a colour preference?"

"No."

She picks out yellow and then just passes me a foam ball. "You may pick at that. It doesn't matter if it gets ruined."

I just nod a little and take it. I feel awkward.

"Anyway what I was asking was if you think stress correlates to your faulty eating behaviours."

"I um..." I am not good at talking about this. At all. It's sort of extremely embarrassing to me.

I think- never mind.

I think...

I think-I am not even good at it so I don't know why people are concerned.

God.

My head doesn't really think that. Like I understand.

But also like- I always cave and eat when I don't want to anyway.

I don't really know why I am thinking like this. I haven't had these trains of thoughts in a while.

She's patiently just waiting for a reply.

"Talking about it makes it worse." I say honestly. "It's like every day I will fight it. Like unconsciously. You know? I don't even think about it. But then as soon as someone drags it to my forefront of my mind then it's like really hard to ignore."

"How have you been over the past few months with it?"

"Fine." I say honestly. "No one was asking what I was eating. My friend Luella and I were with each other twenty four seven and so she knew I was eating okay and was okay so she stopped talking about it and I sent pictures of all the food we were trying to my parents so they didn't ask too much how the food thing was."

She nods at me. "And now?"

"Now as in right now?"

"No now as in since you've returned to this country. Since you've moved out and had to cook for yourself."

"I have been doing everything I need to." I say.

She nods.

"To prevent or aid the thoughts?"

"Huh?"

"Well people with faulty cognitions in regard to eating, often feel like they need to eat a certain amount. And you said doing everything you need to. So I was asking for a little more elaboration."

"Three meals a day. Snacks. Fine." I say.

I take a gulp of the cooling tea and she smiles at me.

"I am a little concerned that you said thinking and talking about it makes it worse. Because that is what I want to do."

I shake my head.

"I understand that's like the point of these things, but I feel like it's so counterproductive. Like it will just start things bad again."

"You were weighed last July for a pill check." She says looking at some medical record on her computer screen. She's a proper doctor. She just really doesn't feel like it.

In my mind I beg her not to tell me the weight.

"Is there any chance we can weigh you again now so I can monitor things my end?"

I shake my head. My chest feels tight.

"I've lost weight. I lost weight at the end of the summer and I lost weight this month. Like I don't want to know numbers and you'll just worry or assume things within the numbers and well this is bigger than numbers."

"I know it is." She says gently. "It's just that if talking about things stresses you out, and stress is a trigger, then it would be good for us to monitor your weight."

"Or we just prevent it all and not do this."

I was being difficult. It was strange. I

She smiles at me. "All I want to do is figure out why you are here. What has led you here and what we can do so things get a little easier. Emersyn it is not on the normal level of functioning to have to fight irrational thoughts about food."

I rip the little foam ball in half.

I stare down at the two halves.

Well.

"And so by going through this. We could possibly get to an understanding of all your symptoms as a whole and figure out what we can do to stop it."

I look up at her confused.

"As a whole?"

She nods.

"Your other symptoms, things he's written down as mania are symptoms of many many afflictions. Many easily treatable things. The same with faulty cognitions about food. That could be a symptom of something bigger. Connected."

I cock my head at her.

"So you don't think I have bipolar?"

She shakes her head. "I have only just met you." She says. "You may do. But according to your notes there is zero evidence depression. Which is a pretty major part of the illness."

I nod slowly.

"The guy you saw, there's a reason I stopped working with him." She smiles at me slightly amused. "He's lazy. He sees one and one and makes two. Which is fine. Makes sense. But the two symptoms added with five more than we are yet to discover adds to seven. Do you understand?"

"You're just saying that you wanna talk more."

She laughs lightly, nodding.

"I do."

"OK."

"Okay?" She asks.

"Mhm. I suppose it would be better to fight this stuff one and for all rather than just managing it."

She smiles a little. "We will figure out what's going on and then we will help you fight it. And part of that fighting might just simply be managing. But well, we shall see yeah?"

I nod.

"Okay so I have weighing scales that will literally just tell me your weight. Not you. Okay?"

I nod. I guess so.

And so yeah. I get weighed. I tell her about travelling. I explain my childhood. Because that is what she asked me to do and she took down a few notes.

Mainly about family ailments like my mum's bipolar. Her trauma. Her brother's and mother's addictions.

She said that environmentally it seems as if I had a good childhood. But she says that biologically things could be a little complicated.

I just blame my parents.

I am joking I don't. It's just sort of funny isn't it. How therapists and psychology try to whittle it down to parents. Like okay so if your parents didn't do anything to fuck you up, they must have passed something down genetically.

I am feeling very negative after the session.

And I sort of hate this feeling.

The quietness I find myself in when Luella and I are walking home.

I miss the summer.

That thought shocks me a little because I haven't thought that before. That I missed it. And I don't even mean him. I miss just being blindly positive. Happy.

I don't even understand why I am in a bad mood. It feels so unlike me. This person.

"Em you wanna watch a film?" She says. "Have you got classes today?"

I shake my head to both. Wrapping my arms around me.

I want a hug.

I don't want a hug from her though. Or Henry. Or Rayne. Or my mum or my Dad.

Dangerous thoughts of wanting to be happy like I was in the summer.

Dangerous because everyone thought I was about to have a breakdown.

Goodness I haven't felt so utterly weird before.

"We should get some lunch." Luella says. "Like stop off at the shop before."

"We have things in." I say quietly. "Lue I am just going to have a nap. You can do whatever."

"No it's fine. We can nap."

"I sorta wanna be on my own." I say.

She snorts. "Yeah sadly that is not going to happen."

I just walk on.

She catches up.

"What do you want to be on in the background as we nap Em?"

I don't know.

We just walk in silence all the way home. Luella doesn't push. Just follows me into my room and she follows fit, getting into bed.

She is watching me and I just sort of numbly lie my head down on my pillow.

We lie in silence for a while. I pretend to sleep. Instead my head is loud.

I feel shitty.

It's funny to think people see me as fucked up. Like I think I am okay. I think of myself as strong. Every time this eating thing happens, I fight it. I do all my work even though it's hard sometimes. I got through heartbreak. I travelled the world. I am kind. I am not this mess that talking about mental health makes me feel like.

It shouldn't be like this.

My eyes open.

Luella was staring at my face, concern openly etched on hers.

She looks shocked that I opened my eyes.

"I am better than this." I say.

She just looks confused, concerned.

"I am better than moping." I say. "I don't need to do this. My mum taught me exactly what to do when you feel like shit."

I sit up.

"What-"

"Yoga." I say.

Luella laughs and I shake my head at her, dragging myself out of bed.

"I am going to have a cold shower and then I am going to meet you in the living room and we are going to do yoga and meditate and then we are going to eat lunch and then we're going to do art or work or go for a run or walk or something positive."

Luella looks so relieved.

"Fuck sake Emersyn you almost scared me."

I smiled. "Sorry."

I realised I knew myself better than anyone. And none of these people trying to help me are even thinking negatively of me. I just think they are.

That's the part of my brain that is a little confused.

So I can do this. I will turn this day around.

"Right front room ten minutes. Sports clothes." I say.

"I have no-"

"Borrow mine they're in third draw." I say and she just sits up in bed and as soon as I shut myself into my bathroom, I hear her get up and I nod to myself as I look at myself in the mirror.

I feel drained. But I can do this today.

Bury myself in writing. Art. Fresh air.

Don't let myself feel weird.

So yeah.

I shower and refresh and we do meditation and then Luella tries yoga and we laugh so fucking loud because she is terrible and then she decided she's going to box dye her hair pink and I support a hundred percent because it's a good distraction and it feels like art and so we go out and buy hair dye and we buy pamper things like face masks and nail polish and we have a little girly day.

And by the time it is time to the library and meet up with Henry and Jude I ask Luella whether she's heard anything from Trev.

She nods.

"T is coming. August isn't."

Her hair is a light pink colour and it is honestly giving me life. She has also done her makeup to match her hair and it looks so good.

I grin at her.

She looks a little shocked at my smile.

"I know that you don't like August anymore but that smile-"

My eyes widen. "Oh shit." I laugh. "I was thinking about your hair. I was thinking you looked cute."

I wasn't thinking about August.

"He's not coming?"

"No." She says. "I didn't get an explanation. He's probably just busy."

Right I grab a bag together and we end up heading out the door a few minutes later than we should have. I text Henry to say we'll be late and to just find a space for five to sit.

He texts back with sure.

And before long I am showing him my nails.

"Yes Em, they're great."

I have multicoloured nails.

I smile at him.

He just rolls his eyes and tells me to shh.

Which deflates me a little.

Everyone is working. Like Luella and T are concentrating. Jude has earphones in and I, besides Henry, am just twiddling my thumbs.

I know I should be working too. I still have some of my essay to write.

But I honestly...

I can't today. Like studying today is just a no.

I need to do something though because Henry is losing patience with me and I am just watching him do his reading.

I stand up and tell him quietly that I am going to search for a book and he just nods.