Where I am from in the UK is going back into like a full lockdown... and we aren't allowed to see family at Christmas and we aren't allowed to see friends for months and I probably canny go back to uni for a long while and so I am struggling a little rn.

It's sad and scary. There's a new strain of corona here and it's spreading really fast. I dont know if yous from other countries have heard about it... but yeah it's like 70% more transferable or something.

A little scary. So if you could leave love and positivity that would be amazing.

"Hi Em, come on through."

Anyone else proud that I came here? I am. I almost didn't. Watching August go through everything he has this week makes me feel so fucking selfish coming here. Guilty. I don't even know why.

I smiled at Freya as I followed her through. I took a seat on one of the couches this week and she just observed my choice and grabbed her things from her desk to do the same.

I start taking off my jacket.

"Is it okay if we take your weight now?" She says softly.

I cringe.

"I should warn you that I haven't been eating as well." I say and she nods.

"That's okay. Can I do the numbers?"

Sure.

I felt strange today. I felt such a weird mixture of 'I should not be here' and also ' I really need to just-rant and say shit that I can't to others'. I wasn't sure what to do.

I stand and take of my jacket and other things that she watches me do. Then we just head over to the scales.

"Have you had a rough week?" She asks.

"You mean with eating?"

"Mm." She nods.

"Not... not really. It's just I got myself into a routine and this week my routine went out of the window. So I've been eating, just not as much as I usually do."

She nods. "And we agreed last week that you eat a little less than what would be considered normal on a good week yes?"

I pull a face and she writes some numbers down, then I step off.

We head back to the couch.

"Maybe."

She smiles a little at me and nods. "How has your week been?"

I wrap my arms around myself. "It's been a little tough." I admit.

She nods. "What's been happening?"

"I don't know if I am actually supposed to talk about it, like it's not about my eating or other little things."

She shakes her head. "I find it very important to create trust with me patients. If you want to talk about something else that is going on with you then I am all ears. There are usually little indicators of things in your everyday life anyway."

I slide my shoes off. Which might me a little weird, but I pull my legs up under me on the sofa. I play with my sleeves a little as I try and find the words to explain this week.

"My friend, he has bipolar." I say and her eyebrows raise a little but she nods. "And right now he's going through a depressive episode and so I've been staying with him."

"Oh okay." She says softly. "How come you have been staying with him?"

I look up. "Um because he's sort of a danger to himself. So someone has to stay with him."

She nods. "Are his team aware what's going on? Is he under a mental health-"

I nod quickly. "Yeah. Yeah. There's loadsa people involved."

"Okay." She says.

"And so why are you staying? Is he a close friend of yours?"

I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what August is to me.

"He's... our families are close."

"Oh? And that's why you're helping?"

I nod. And...

"I wasn't here last time." I breathe. "In the summer he had a manic episode and I left him. Which I don't think he really actually resents me for because well I had to leave and well it was better for us both. But my family went through hell trying to help him. He went through hell and I was just having fun travelling."

"So you feel obliged?" She asks.

"I feel like I failed as a friend last time."

"Would you like to elaborate?"

I take a deep breath and remember something Rayne said to me.

"His brother... is my best friend in the whole wide world. And Rayne said to me once that August was going to fall back into an episode. That it was just going to happen. And he said that it would hurt me if I carried on... And I remember thinking that I wasn't that selfish. If August was in need of help, the fact that he was low would most definitely not hurt me, I would just do anything I could to support him."

She nods.

"But when he was high, I flew, I ran out the door because in the end it did hurt me. And I just hate that I went back on my word so much."

"It seems as if you have a lot of guilt about this."

I nod. "I do. That's why I have to help this time. Because although I never literally promised August, I would be there for him... I promised myself. And then I let my emotions like take over."

"When you say friend..." She asks and I just cringe internally.

"We're friends now. Well technically we're nothing now. But we were more than that, sort of, it was his mania, and then when I got back from travelling, I think we were slowly becoming friends again."

She nods. "And now?"

"And now I sleep on a bed on his floor ever night and try and encourage him to eat, shower, drink."

"Taking care of someone with depression is very very hard."

I frown. "It's not- it's not like challenging. I just worry a lot."

She looks at me.

"Every second of the day." I correct, laughing a little.

She smiles. "How has it been having such a disruption to your everyday routine."

"It's..."

We talk.

About this week mostly. She just lets me rant about the little things that frustrate me. Like Ivy and Jackson's infinite patience with August.

Like I love them for it. And I know that they know best. But my God, I just want to drag him out of bed and make him remember why he used to smile the way he used to. Which I know... I understand how that isn't something you can just do. I understand that August's depression isn't him forgetting the reasons why life is great.

I do understand that.

But, I admit, sometimes I just think, please, please, let's go do something. Let's make you smile.

Freya told me that the frustration is totally natural. That Ivy and Jackson, his parents, my dad, have had more experience being patient with August. That is why I am struggling a little.

There's nothing more than I want for him than to feel better.

And I suppose my own experience with feeling shitty is always followed by getting myself out of bed and forcing myself to be okay. To do self-care, to practice things like mindfulness.

But-feeling a little shit is very different than clinical depression.

And so I am learning patience.

As I walk out of the building I smile when I see Henry and Jude. Jude was coming back to the flat with us, Henry said he just wanted to see me so came with.

Rayne was at the flat so Jude was going to go up and grab Rayne. He was supposed to be playing at the student bar tonight, he said he didn't want to. Jude was coming to convince him to go.

I was going to go too. Like later obviously. It's early afternoon now. But Jude said he'd take Rayne out for lunch.

"You good?" Henry asks subtly as we turn away from the building.

I nod.

Jude looks at me. "I know you wanted me to tell you when we next had training. Coach asked whether he could get in touch with August? Try and get him in tomorrow."

I smile at him. "I'll talk to August but- I don't know."

Jude nods. Then he looks at me a little awkwardly. "He said he can't swim though if he's been hurting himself."

My heart hurts. "For one that's a stupid fucking rule, and two he hasn't." I say the second part softer.

I have been there constantly. How could he?

"It's because pools are dirty Em, he's not trying to punish him."

I know. I just hate it. Like in the summer it would spiral him.

"I know, sorry. It just upsets me."

Jude gives me a sympathetic smile and nods.

"Well yeah anyway, we have training tomorrow at nine. So-"

I nod. "Thank you Jude."

"No worries. Anything to help."

I nod.

Rayne and Jude have been close. Rayne leaning on Jude a little so Jude knows more than let's say Henry.

I look around to Henry and he gives me a small smile.

"You still going tonight?" He asks.

"It depends on whether Ivy can stay with August. But I want to. So probably."

If I can.

"You could invite him." Henry says.

I just give him a polite smile.

August wouldn't want to go to a student bar and listen to people perform. I know that before asking.

"You look tired." He says gently.

I nod. "Yeah I wake up a few times throughout the night and then talking about emotions makes me tired. I will probably nap when I get back."

If August is sleeping that is.

We walk together and just before Jude and I head up into the apartment, we had already said goodbye to Henry, Henry calls my name.

Jude looks back too and then he just gives me a small smile and says he'll head up now.

I just nod.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna go together tonight?" Henry says.

I stare up at him. "Pardon?"

"As in shall I pick you up? We go together? Spend the evening together?"

"We're going to be in a group..." I whisper.

He lets out a breath and he raises his gloved hand to his neck.

"I am trying to ask you out."

I bite the inside of my cheek a little. This isn't exactly the right time. I don't even know if I am going yet.

"Hen-"

He sighs. "Okay so not necessarily out out because like- I know things are super complicated right now and I am sure you're in no space to be able to comprehend something like that. But I wanted to make it sort of clear... that if you do some tonight. My full attention is on you."

My mouth feels a little dry.

"I don't know if I can come yet." I whisper.

"Just if you do... I just wanted to let you know where my head is at."

I just nod at him. "I still..."

"Aren't looking for a boyfriend?" He finishes for me. "I know. I do. I just wanted to put it out there because well I don't think I express myself very well and I wanted to just let you know that I am not necessarily solely interested in just being your friend."

I purse my lip a little and then stop immediately when his eyes flick down to it.

"But I like your friendship."

His eyes widen. "I am not taking it away."

I hold myself slightly awkwardly. "So you still want to be friends, but you want me to know that you... like me?"

He nods.

His poor cheeks.

I don't even really notice it anymore.

"Exactly."

"Okay." I whisper.

"Okay so I am going now." He says.

I don't make a move to hug or kiss him goodbye and he smiles a little at that and nods, turning on his heal.

I need a nap.

I really need a nap.

I head inside.

What was I supposed to do now?

I kinda make is numbly up to August's and I say goodbye to Rayne. He tells me things I need to know, like how there's lunch for both August and I in the fridge.

I smile and just head inside, saying good bye to both of them.

I don't pay much attention to August, I see he's asleep in bed and so I just flop down on my mattress, head slamming into the pillows headfirst and I let out a groan.

What the hell Henry? I don't know how I feel yet so why did he have to make it complicated.

It was already slightly complicated, because well I do know I sort of have feeling-

"What's wrong?"

I freeze.

I turn my head and August is slightly sat up, just enough that he could see me.

"Nothing, sorry."

"You just like screamed into your pillow..."

I smile sheepishly and I get under the covers, pulling the duvet up to cover my face in embarrassment.

"Em?"

I pull the duvet down.

"I think I got asked out."

He blinks at me. "And why is that a problem?"

Is this an ok conversation? It doesn't feel too weird.

Plus he's talking.

He moves closer to the edge of his bed so he could lie back down but still see me.

"Because I'm unsure what I feel."

He raises an eyebrow. "You? Unsure?"

I nod. "I know, I am usually very much in touch with my emotions."

He just lays his head down more and waits.

Am I supposed to carry on talking?

"He said he wanted to ask me out but he understands that I don't really want anything like that at the moment but then he said that he just wanted to let me know that like he likes me."

August nods.

"So did you agree to go out with him?"

I turn my head back into the pillow in frustration and August exhales in almost amusement at my action.

I look back up.

"Well no. But I'm supposed to be going out with people tonight. Like and him. So maybe?"

August just closes his eyes for a second then he reopens them.

"Just go out with him? You can figure out what you feel-"

I shake my head. "I don't want to mess with his feelings."

"You're going to be unsure anyway."

"But I feel like agreeing that I will like date him sends a very bad signal."

"You just have to be clear."

August was clear with me and I still fell head over heels in love with him. I don't think it works like that.

"Is your mum coming tonight?" I ask.

He nods. "And Lottie."

My eyebrows raise. "And Lots?"

"That's why I'm..."

"You're what?"

"Trying to practice talking."

I smiled at that. "You did well."

"I know."

My smile turned wider, and I just snuggled down, closing my eyes.

"It's mid-day." August says, watching me.

I open my eyes and nod. "I know..."

"You need to eat."

My eyes widen and I look at him. "Only if you do too."

He nods a little and so I very unhappily will myself to get up from the bed.

That's a lie, deep down I am so happy that today he's agreed to eat again.

So I do just get up and get us some food, I grab him a bottle of water and when I walk back into his room August is out of bed and he has his shirt off, getting changed.

I pause. "Sorry." I say quietly and he just ignores me. I avert my eyes and go and sit down on his bed. He comes back over too and looks down at the food I brought.

"Oh Rayne-"

I nod.

He nods at that and takes a plate from me.

"Are you eating?" He says quietly.

I frown down at the food I am literally about to eat.

"Mhm."

He rubs his forehead in exhaustion and just picks at the food I brought. It was just pasta, like a pasta salad that Rayne always makes.

"Where are you going?" August asks. "Tonight."

I look up. "Student bar. Any chance you wanna come?"

He shakes his head immediately, like expected. "I was sort of counting on you entertaining Lottie as I played 'okay'."

I frowned. "August you don't need to pretend with Lottie. She's been talked to, she knows."

He grimaces and looks at me. "That's sort of horrifying."

I look at him then, seriously. "When you were in hospital where did she think you went?"

He shrugs. "I don't know."

"August, I assume Jackson and Ivy filled her in."

He pushes his food away and I curse.

"I am sorry." I say immediately, putting my plate down too and he glares at it.

"Eat."

I wrap my arms around myself. "You eat."

He heaves a sigh and brings it back to him, so I follow suit and do the same.

"I can stay." I say. "If you need me to."

This makes his jaw tick as well and I just stare at it. I am so shit at comforting. I always say the wrong fucking thing.

I need a nap. Once I sleep then I can be better at this.

"Go out." He says. "I don't even know why you're still here."

"Please don't." Is all I whisper and his eyes close.

When he opens them again they aren't as harsh. "I'm sorry."

I nod, slightly surprised.

I cross my legs up and I look at him inf ront of me. "You want me to change sheets today?"

He shakes his head. "You don't need to do that."

"It's been a week of you just being in the bed." I say softly. "I can't help you but I can change sheets and do laundry so..."

He just shakes his head still.

He takes a mouth fall of food and then he swallows as if it's difficult.

"I can't eat anymore." August says and I nod, reaching for his plate to clear and he knocks my hand away lazily.

"But you need to finish."

I feel my heart squeeze and I am not sure whether it's because he's acting caring, or because he's awake enough to actually notice these things, or even whether it's squeezing with anxiety because I don't want to finish.

"I-" I start but then just lift the fork to my mouth again and he lies back, his legs move down besides me and I don't move when I feel his pressed against my own thigh, I just concentrate on food.

Because okay sure. It's food. It's just because I saw Freya today and feel a little exhausted. We hardly talked about food anyway.

"So Henry huh?"

I look up.

He seemed a little better than before I left. Like this morning.

I nodded. "Maybe. Um, you were really bad this morning... so we didn't push the counselling thing. But if you're feeling up to it... could we maybe get you on the phone with her?"

He lets out a sigh. "Em, I am just trying to get myself to be able to mask enough to see Lottie."

I nod slowly.

"If you get me to talk about it, I'll be back in that space before Lots and Mum even come."

So he's just trying really hard right now?

I nod.

"You're doing good at pretending."

"Done it most of my life."

I frown at him but nod. I can't eat anymore to be honest, like because I was full, so I collect out things and he doesn't stop me this time.

When I return to the room he's laid back down properly.

"Jude said that your coach wants you to go training tomorrow." I say softly as I start to find comfier clothes to change in to.

"I can't even lift my arms without great effort."

I know.

"I know." I say. "But I thought I'd tell you that he's thinking about you."

August just closes his eyes. "Will you wake me up before mum and Lots get here?"

"Of course I will."

He cares. Yesterday he said he didn't care. That he couldn't feel it. Why he should care about hurting them.

Today he seems different.

I lift my jumper over my head and pull on a longer top thing.

August asks what I am doing.

"Ima nap too." I say.

"Did you have lectures?"

I shake my head. "I see this lady, like every Friday, about shit."

"Oh." He whispers.

I nod, pulling my trousers off. He couldn't see anything, I was covered. But I could feel his eyes on my legs and I look at him unimpressed. He just watches me lazily.

Then when I slide some pyjamas on he makes a noise.

I look back up to him.

He doesn't meet my eyes and I frown. But then he moves back over to his side and he lifts the covers up for me.

I shake my head. "Ima sleep down here."