"What are you doing?"

August's voice startles me a little as he hadn't yet woken up and I was fully emersed in my reading for next week.

I lean my head back, I was sat at his desk, fully taking over the area with my laptop and my books of text and my notebooks. I sent him a small smile.

"Just studying."

He sits up a little, wincing and then blinking at the bright desk lamp I was using. I reached to turn it off and he just lifted his eyes back to me.

"How many weeks has it been?"

I look at him slightly shocked.

"Only one since I've been here."

He nods. "I am really behind on work."

"Yeah I know..." I say. "But um, I emailed all your lecturers on your behalf and your mum contacted the uni wellbeing services to update them on what's going on and so your professors said that they'd help you catch up... Apparently they like you."

"They like my brain not me." Is all he replies.

I give him a small smile and he swallows. "What time is it?"

"Only like nine."

He sighs. "I was going to try and get up for swimming."

My eyebrows raised a little but I tried not to react too surprised. "Oh I am sorry I didn't wake you up then."

"Has your Dad or Jackson been? Have I taken medication?"

I shake my head softly. "You seem a little confused." I say.

He nods. "I feel it."

"It's a Saturday so they aren't here yet. You can either take it now and I can tell them not to worry about coming or if you choose to be difficult, they'll be round in the hour."

He sighs and reaches over to his draws. "I am not choosing this." Is what I hear him mutter under his breath and my heart pulls a little.

"You have therapy today." I tell him.

"No I don't."

I couldn't help but smile at his sulky voice, he pops out the tablets and I make a noise of disapproval when he goes to pop three.

"What do you think you're doing?"

He looks up.

"Let's have quiet time."

I smiled and shook my head, standing up and walking to his side. I hold my hand out and he places the packet and the three tablets in my hand.

"You take two." I say. "Two."

"I know."

I just pass them to him and he swallows them.

I force the water into his hand.

He looks so unimpressed.

"How is it today?" I ask quietly.

He doesn't speak but when I extend a finger under his chin to lift his face up he mumbles a small.

"Not as bad."

"Then let's go out."

He immediately frowns.

"Not that good."

I laugh and I watch as the noise makes his jaw tick. Like I am annoying him.

I have been letting him lead obviously... but today, I was going to try and do this my way. I just want to see how he responds.

"I want to take you somewhere."

"I don't want to go anywhere."

His responses are quicker. Longer. Faster. He seems a little better.

"Well tough luck kid."

He looks up at me, his face full of attitude and I just grin down at him.

"Please? I need to leave this room."

His face falls a little. "Then go."

"No I want you to come."

"Emersyn I really don't want to see anyone."

"You won't. It will just be us."

He sighs. "Why has no one been watering my plant?"

My jaw drops and I spin around to where he was looking.

"Oh no!" I exclaim.

There was a small potted plant on his shelf, like higher than my eye level so I never even saw it.

It was brown.

I feel terrible.

I rush away from him and a little clumsily stand on the spinney chair to grab it down.

"Why is it so brown?" I whisper. "It's only been a week. Okay I am so sorry Mr plant we will water you right away."

"You are so weird."

I ignore him.

I take his water bottle and sit down at the desk, my back to August and I stare down at the little plant. It was a baby weeping fig and my goodness it really did look poorly.

"August you need to talk to him." I say, spinning around to meet his gaze. "It needs to hear your voice, plants grow better-"

He was just blinking at me and I let out a huff. "Get dressed. I will save your plant."

I spin back around and whisper sweet nothings to the dying little brownish tree thing and I hear August very slowly get out of bed and head to his drawers.

I don't comment.

"I am so sorry we forgot about you. I couldn't see you. If I knew I would have been giving you a drink every time I get August to drink, I promise. You are a really good plant, come on, don't be dead now."

August is getting changed behind me.

I just start closing my laptop down and organising my reading so I know where I am when we come back.

"Warm or?" August asks and I nod.

"Like as many layers as you can deal with."

He nods and pulls on another jumper and I smile.

He's leaving.

Right, get dressed Em.

I was already dressed, but like I need more layers. I has some leggings on so I pulled on some joggers over the top and then just another top and another thicker hoodie.

"When does T come back?" August asks as he waits for me.

"Tonight." I mumble.

"What are you going to do..?"

"I don't know." I say honestly. "We'll figure it out."

He doesn't say anything and so I just open his bedroom door and nod for him to walk out in front.

"I am driving your car." I say.

He snorts. "No."

"I am."

"Em-"

"Nope. No arguments allowed."

I walk over to the drawers and grab his keys, then I walk straight over to the coats and I picked out his biggest one.

"It's cold cold out there this week so coat." I explain, handing him his coat and he just quietly puts it on.

"Can you even drive?"

"Partially." I laugh.

He tenses.

"No I mean of course I can. I have a licence, you wanna see it? Just I don't drive."

"Why?"

"Got out of the habit this summer because you always did."

"Do you want me to drive?" He says quietly and I look at him.

"How are the intrusive thoughts?"

It was a honest and fair enough question to be very honest. He could drive us off a cliff and well then, my family would truly be pissed.

"Not great."

"So please let me drive?"

He nods and I smile. "Right have you got everything. Your phone earphones? Money?"

"Where are we going?"

"Just out, fresh air. Maybe some coffee or hot chocolate?"

He nods and then pats his pocket as if to say yeah we have everything. I just grab my keys and my phone and I lead him out.

He is slow and sluggish and his face says he'd much rather be anywhere else than out of his flat but he doesn't actually say he wants to go back, so I just head to his car and he follows.

And then when we get in I have the slight recollection that I need to do something.

I have no idea.

Oh. Oh. Right.

I pull my phone out and then text dad just sayng that August had taken his medication and that he didn't need to come round. I said that I was going to drive August into town and that if he was up to it we'd pop in and say hello.

My dad didn't reply in time so then I just admittedly put my phone away and fully focused on driving.

I haven't in a while.

And it's a different car.

And I can feel August's judgemental stare.

"Look all you like Leo, it won't make this any less painful for you to watch."

He exhales a laugh and I look at him shocked.

He looks slightly shocked as well.

His eyes turn to me. "You need to put the key in the ignition."

"Yeah, yeah, I was getting to that."

"Are we going into Sampson?"

I nod.

He closes his eyes. "I am going to sleep then."

Wow trusting.

I say a soft okay and I focus on starting to drive.

It is much easier if he sleeps anyway. No stress.

I pull out and admittedly it's okay.

And it was okay the whole journey, I put some music on and August turned it up, I thought he was asleep but well his hand lifted to the volume and I struggled to get used to it for a while, willing to turn it down a little as it was overwhelming but well after a bit It was okay.

And so I just sung under my breath as I drove and he closed his eyes, just listening to the music.

...

Before long I was driving up to the cliffs and August was practically snoring. He doesn't snore. Which to be honest I am glad because he sleeps a lot and that would have been a little annoying. But some reason him sat up and asleep has made him breath really deeply and to be honest it was pretty funny.

I was going to take him to the beach.

I know it's cold. We won't stay for long. But it's one of August's favourite places in the world and well this particular beach has symbolism behind it.

"August?" I say, turning the car off as we get close to the small trail.

I had turned the music down already, it was too much.

He wakes up and looks at me, then looks around.

"Are you giving me the opportunity to jump?"

I look at him straight faced and he just rubs his eyes in sleepiness.

"You know, the other night your mum told me the actual significance of this beach. It was where your dad took her one day and they watched the sunset together. He was trying to remind her reasons to live, like the beauty of the world."

August just breathes deeply, watching me.

"So I thought I'd bring you here. There's no pretty sky to look at, just white cloud, and the beach is not warm and romantic or covered in beautiful flowers like it was for her. But the memories are here, the essence of them two here and I know you love the beach and the water so I thought we'd just come here to be close to it all."

August doesn't say anything for a while.

Just seems to be thinking.

But then he nods.

And I let out a sigh of relief and because I was slightly worried he'd tell me to fuck off.

But he hadn't so I get out the car and skip over to his door, opening it for him and he just raises an eyebrow at me.

He hadn't even taken his seat belt off yet.

"Chop chop bub." It just left my mouth, something my dad would say and he just looked at me as if I had eight heads.

I just smiled.

"August come on."

"Emersyn your energy levels are tiring to be around. Calm down or give me a minute."

I feel bad. I frowned and looked at him a little sheepishly. "Yeah I know, sorry."

He takes his seat belt off and climbs out the car. And then I follow behind him as we head down the little steep track.

I am trying to keep balanced.

Like I doubt he'd laugh If I fell over. Or maybe he would. I don't know. Maybe-

"The sand is going to be wet." August says nonchalantly.

"I know. We won't stay for long."

I watch the back of his head moves as he nods and we walk down. I smile when we emerge out into the opening and the wind hits us pretty full force of the water.

I wrap my arms around me as the chill hits me a little but as August pauses I push past him and I practically skip to the middle of the little beach and then I collapse down on the sand, looking out to the water.

It was pretty rough out. The waters look dark, uninviting. But they look so strong. It makes me wanna paint.

August walks slowly over to me and he takes a seat out, looking towards the water too.

"You wanna listen to music?" I ask.

He shakes his head.

"Just this."

The waves, the wind, the strange chaotic nature of the coast which creates only peace if you have grown up in a place like this. Like we have.

I undo my coat and then bring my legs up to my chest, wrapping my thick jacket over my knees too and August just lies down, staring up towards the white covered sky.

"I am really sorry that I left last time." I say quietly. I felt it needed to be said.

I couldn't stop thinking about the whole 'I destroyed you? Emersyn I was booked into hospital and you went travelling. I didn't destroy you' conversation and I just- I wanted to tell him I was sorry.

August's hand knocks my thigh, and I look over my shoulder to see him.

"Emersyn what I did to you was awful. Everything. You have nothing to apologise for."

I turn around to face him, I search his face, I don't want to make this worse.

I was trying to apologise not make him feel bad.

"I was going to stay you know, for you. When you asked me to."

He lets out a breath. "And then I said all that shit."

I cringe, wrapping my arms around my knees again and I rest my chin down on them.

"And so I left. And I'm sorry I didn't think that maybe you'd need a friend."

He shakes his head and sits up a little. "Do you not remember what I said? Because I can't forget. I can't forget your face when I said it. Like you didn't need to help me then. You still don't need to help me now."

I just frown at him.

"I want to be here August."

"You shouldn't. I hurt you."

This is very very strange a conversation. Like it's not. But something about it makes me feel very uneasy.

"You were sick."

He blows out some air and then he shakes his head at me. "I will always be sick. That is who I am. So if that is who I am then that makes what I did, like me? My own actions. I cant keep just excusing my behaviour on the fact my brain is a mess. My brain is always a mess."

I frown at him. "How you feel isn't a forever thing."

He lets out a shaky breath. "How'd you know?"

I blink at him. "Because my mum." I say. "You know my mum."

He just turns away from me, his shoulders lifting and falling a little quickly as he breathes and I move closer, lifting my hand to his back and then I don't know if it is a good idea to touch him.

So I don't.

"August explain to me what you're thinking?"

There's silence. Or well not silence. The coast is roaring, alive. Just silence from him. For a few moments.

"I am not a good person." He says quietly. "And I don't really know how that happened."

I frown. "You-"

He turns around and I search his face with my eyes, wanting to reach out but I keep my hands firmly clasped in my lap.

"No. I fully just don't like myself. Well I don't like anyone- let's be real. But I hate myself."

My heart hurts.

He's talking though.

"I hate myself so fucking much Emersyn and every time you're near I get so confused."

"Why?"

"Because you shouldn't be this close to someone who treated you the way I did last summer. Like I feel this urge to protect you and then when I think about it, because all I've been doing is fucking thinking about everything, over and over, I realise the thing I need to protect you from is me."

I blink at him.

Woah.

"I- I-" Get it together Emersyn. "August please don't feel that way."

He laughs bitterly, it wasn't a real laugh. It was dark. "I can't stop it. I talked to you like crap. I degraded you. I constantly used you because I thought you were hot and then you'd get too close and I'd turn into this person that even then I didn't like. But fuck looking back I hate. I was awful."

My breathing was a little heavy, I don't know how to help. Oh god.

I swallowed. "I didn't fall in love with that version of you August."

He recoils at that word. Love. He moves back away from me but I stay determined to say what I wanted to.

"I found that version of you hot, I am not going to lie." I laugh a little, but he doesn't find it funny so I quickly move on.

"But I loved you when we'd lay together and you'd let me that little bit closer. When we shared secrets. When we laughed. When you showed me you cared even though you verbally couldn't. Or when you looked so confused when I said I couldn't eat, when I said I was ugly. When you made me feel anything other than ugly and I don't mean just because we did bits August I mean the way you used to look at me, the way you used to hold my hand even though I know you don't like holding hands. The way you let me read your palm even though I know you don't believe in it. The way you used to tap me three times after you learnt what it meant. I didn't love the part of you that hated me.. But I did love the part of you that loved me."

He is staring down at the sand. He shakes his head and he looks at me.

He looks so distraught and I don't understand.

"But the part of me that loved you was mentally fucking ill."

I laughed, sort of, a mixture between amusement and pain.

"I know Leo. I know. That is why I am sat here on this beach as your friend and strictly nothing else. That is why I dealt with my heart break in Paris and then Rome and I healed without hating you."

He places his hands up to his face and I move forwards, pulling them down.

"But you do hate me." He says. "You have to."

I smiled. "I don't."

"How?"

I shrug. "Because I know you. I know that stripped back. If we say that everything that happened last summer was because you were unwell and well everything happening between us now is because you are unwell then we just have the years and years of me trying to make you my friend."

He frowns. "You mean years where I looked at you like this annoying pest?"

I nod. "Yup. Years of history. Of family parties and days out, years of you smirking a little in amusement when something would go wrong for me and years of me stuck between doing everything I could to make you my friend and then being highly frustrated because it didn't work."

"That doesn't explain why you don't hate me."

"I never hated you then." I smiled. "Ever. I don't think I have ever hated you."

"No?"

"Maybe in that moment when you were hurting me with your words. Maybe in that second. But then that hatred flipped suddenly because August I knew even then you wouldn't be meaning what you were saying. I knew. And so I just felt fear. And okay I know I told you I hated you the other day but you really fucking scared me so-"

He heaves a sigh.

"What happened with those people you were writing about?"

I blink confused and he looks up from the sand to my eyes.

"What happened to them?"

"The story I was writing last summer?"

He nods. "The one where the character destroys everything he touches but can't help himself from wanting to reach out and touch anyway."

I look at him shocked.

"I never finished it." I breathe.

"Tell me why?"

I smiled and looked a little to the water.

"Because my emotions were leading my writing too much." I laughed. "Which is funny because that is exactly what I wanted at the beginning. To feel. But well, I started to want to end it with her having destroyed him. I wanted it to be the other way around."

He lets out a staggered breath as we accept that I may have been taking about us.

"But then I knew I couldn't write about a character like you being destroyed." I admit. "I couldn't write it. I didn't want to. So I just left it."

"To figure out a better ending?" He says quietly.

"Yeah..." I whisper.

He pulls back from our slightly close proximity.

He looks at me.

"Don't freak out." He says.