"So I have been doing some research." Freya says to me.

I just pull my legs up and get comfier. I have tea. Even a cookie. This place is like chill now. To me.

We vibe.

The scales also made a creaky sound when I stepped on them today. Which um, made my hands shake. But like- we rationalised it. It's fine.

I focus back on Freya. She has tea today too. I said I'd only have one if she was making herself one too.

Anyway. Freya.

It only stressed me out because I know I've been eating better, putting weight back on. It's never made that noise before.

I've had a really good week. I've been doing all the extra curricular-

"Because you don't necessarily fit perfectly with the diagnostic criteria for what I was thinking."

I nod a little. That's why she's been doing research. I am following I swear.

"But I think you might have done. When you were younger. But it may have just been missed because your mother was very prepared to deal with emotional difficulties and taught you from a really early age how to regulate and express your emotions."

I just look at her wearily. I came here to chat about my progress and for us to be happy that I was happily put back together.

Freya was like no- I be figuring this shit out.

Okay.

I nod.

"So for any other child. Meltdowns would have been bigger, if you had siblings, you may have appeared more withdrawn than them, or well stuck out a little. But well without comparison you were just seen as yourself. And well from what I understand, you had a really stable childhood, you and your mother have a good relationship. Your relationship with your father is the same. They seem like good people"

I look at her confused.

"Yeah?" I offer.

"Which means as you grew up, things were missed. You had the support and the understanding from them so yeah-"

I don't understand.

"You're confusing me." I share.

"Okay so with girls, this gets missed a lot because well- the diagnostic criteria was built around boys. Many teachers and even parents only know the tell tell signs for boys."

I just nod.

"And so your teachers wouldn't have noticed, to be honest you would have probably been deemed as gifted?" She says, inclination at the end indicating a question.

I nod a little.

"And chatty?"

I nod. "Smart and outgoing." I say. "That's what I always got on my report card. I got shyer like at the end of school."

"When you started having the focusing problems?"

"Mm." I hum.

"So okay. I was thinking about all this. But then you didn't really fit the criteria." She says. "Not all of it anyway. But well then I started doing research and I found that it is not uncommon that people who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, presenting with both mania and depression were mis-diagnosed."

I nod, reaching for my tea.

"So the hyperactivity, the hyper focusing and reckless behaviour when in a flare up, often presents like mania. But in fact it was just a symptom of Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. People get treated for mania, when it would be undiagnosed and untreated ADHD"

I pull a face and sit up. "ADHD?"

"Mhm or ADD. But because of the mania similarities I would assume the first."

I just cock my head at her.

"I am not- isn't that a child hood like- what?"

"So yeah, you are usually diagnosed with it in childhood. But with girls it's a lot different. It usually presents more through chattiness and meltdowns. But well what I was trying to say about your parents is that you mother and father taught you strong morals. They taught you not to interrupt, to be polite, nice. They taught you to regulate your emotions, so meltdowns probably happened less frequently than what another child would do. And with your mother's mental health difficulties, anything they noticed about your hyper focusing or hyperactivity they may have just assumed it was your mother's biological connection to you."

"And it's not?" I ask.

She shrugs. "The causes of ADHD and ADD aren't fully set out yet. It does usually run in families. But there are other causes as well."

I just look at her unsure. "What about the eating stuff? I though you thought it was all connected."

Freya nods. "It is. I did the research trust me. So apparently ADHD and Anorexia have clear connections."

I just frown at her.

"People with ADHD often feel like they have little grasp on things around them. Little control of the environment. But you can control what enters your body, your weight, your eating habits. So that's usually why it starts. To grasp onto control. And then when it starts, it often spirals from there."

I just nod then.

Because it feels sort of like- understandable right?

"But I thought this was meant to be like bad? Like I thought you're supposed to struggle with school and stuff and well okay obviously I struggle a little but I always get it done and I always- like I got good grades. I am here. You know?"

She nods. "Again, girls present very differently with this disorder. And untreated adults with ADHD often have learnt to mask their symptoms, to cope with them. Work around them. I didn't even make this connection to ADHD until last week when you were so exhausted and mentally drained."

"That's a symptom?" I ask.

She nods. "Well when we talked on the phone and you told me how actually physically unwell you felt. Like the tiredness, the sore throat, the headache. This mixed with all the negative emotions that I am sure you weren't too familiar with I was edging towards a fatigue syndrome. And then I was like no. Obviously not. You usually have so much energy. And then I was thinking about things that can lead to exhaustion. And well especially with untreated ADHD it's pretty common for people to totally collapse in on themselves. To just become exhausted, too overwhelmed. It's like you mask enough, you have to put extra effort into things that others do easily so it does just drain you."

I nod slowly. "But I've been really good this week." I say.

"Because you've learnt how to deal with it." Freya says. "I am so impressed with everything you did. I am so impressed with the support group you went to. But well, I believe even though you don't hit the clear criteria for diagnosis there is enough evidence to refer you to a ADHD specialist whom of which will prepare you with a treatment plan."

I just look at her shocked.

"What if they say I don't have it?"

"Then we go back to the drawing board. But Emersyn I am almost nighty five percent sure on this."

That's a lot of pie.

Sorry I learnt percentages like pies. Like 50% is half a pie. Never mind.

Sorry.

"But you said I don't meet-"

"I think there are a lot of things that explain why you might not meet all the criteria."

I just nod.

"What happens now?"

"Now I make a referral." She says. "And I give you some coping mechanisms for the mean time."

I just nod.

"And also." She says. "I would recommend you to keep drinking caffeine. It is probably the only thing treating your ADHD right now. So if you stop, things could get worse."

I just nod, surprised.

And my mumma said it's bad for me.

"What will they wanna do at the referral? Like who- where?"

"It's here." She says. "It'll be with my colleague Evan or his apprentice Elijah. You'll probably get officially diagnosed. Then they'll contact your GP, and talk about medication, which is definitely appropriate but I am going to recommend setting up some CBT as well. Which will be with me."

I nod. "Like therapy?"

"Yeah so these sessions have been about me getting to know you and figuring out a diagnosis. Now that we are almost there with that. I think we need to tackle some of your cognitions about yourself and about eating which won't just disappear with the medication."

I nod.

Because I would like that.

"So what would medication do?" I ask.

"You should ask my colleagues all this. But if they decide that you do need medication, it will help with the focusing issues, the exhaustion, it will help with the way you feel overwhelmed sometimes and it hopefully will help you feel more in control. Which would in turn help with the disordered eating."

Oh.

Okay.

I nod slowly.

"And they will set up a disability action plan." She says and she opens her diary.

"A what?" I say quietly.

She looks up. "Although not considered a learning disability Emersyn, ADHD, affects your learning. So the university will provide things to support your learning if you are diagnosed. Like extra time on exams, extended coursework deadlines. Things like that."

I look at her shocked. "That would help, like a lot."

She nods. "Yeah sweet, you aren't the only student with ADHD, I promise you that."

"You really think I have that?" I ask.

She nods. "I do. But it's not my specialty. So um, when are you free next?" She says. "A few different times?"

"Um well..." I pull out my own planner. One that me and mum wrote everything down in. "I am free on the weekends, but I assume that won't work-?"

"Tomorrow morning works." She says. "But you'd be seeing the student on work experience. Is that okay?"

I shrug. I mean sure.

"You can bring a parent to that appointment if you would like? It would be more like a doctor's appointment."

"Er I'll see if someone's free."

"Or you can go alone. It's your choice." Freya says. "Elijah has a free morning so any time works. Should we say Ten?"

I just nod and write it down.

"So here?"

"Yeah come here and he'll grab you and take you to his office."

"Okay." I say.

"Emersyn I know you wanted me to tell you that I couldn't find anything wrong. But this is a positive-"

"No. No I know. I thought there was nothing wrong with being so- happy. Like hyper, I guess. I thought it was just my personality. But um, when I crashed last week I guess I realised why people may have been worrying."

"The medication will help. Especially- just trust Elijah and Evan." She says. "They have you."

"Okay." I say gently.

"Right we have run over a little and as much as I enjoy your company my next student is really inpatient so-" She starts to stand and I nod, putting my shoes back on.

She then hands me a folder.

I look at it confused.

"Inside is the referral email I have made to Evan. Just explaining the way I have pieced things together. And also there are some printed information packs about ADHD and ADD. Evan and Elijah will determine which side you fall down upon." She says. "There is also some coping mechanisms inside. But also, you are doing really good at coping right now. So carry on doing what you're doing Emersyn."

I nod a little.

"Right I will see you next Friday." She says. "As long as Elijah passes the CBT referral. But well I am sure he will."

"Okay." I say. "Rightio."

She laughs at me and looks at me a little concerned.

"I understand this might be a lot to take in." She says. "I suggest going home and doing something that you enjoy, getting your mind off it. Talk to someone."

"Okay." I say. Even though I know I have plans anyway.

I just pick up my bag and grab my coat, she walks be out and I just smile a little at the guy waiting outside her office and then make my way out of the building, brisking as the cold air hits me full on.

It's valentine's day.

It's a weird vibe in the air.

I see him waiting for me and just walk a little numbly over to him.

"Hey you ready?" I ask.

"Yeah. Put your coat on." August says, taking my bag and the folder and I just do as I am told.

"You good?" He asks.

"They think I have ADHD." I say quietly. "Like one of those-"

He just listens to me, his eyebrows raised.

"So like the way I don't um concentrate very well and like how I am loud sometimes and how I get overwhelmed and do impulsive things. Like apparently that can be part of it."

"I mean I guess it makes sense Emersyn."

I nod a little and go to take my bag back and he just nods for us to walk and well me being lazy I just let him carry the bag.

Their training was cancelled today because their coach is sick, there's this flu going around. But August text me asking if I wanted to go swimming after I finished with Freya.

I said sure. We've been hanging out. Outside of our apartment. Like coffee, studying, swimming. He hasn't tried to touch me since Luella's party so we've been doing good at the friends thing.

"Do you think so?" I ask. "Like the make sense thing?"

"Mm. I think so. I don't know. You don't and didn't act like the other kids in school that I knew had ADHD but like-"

"She said that's because the disorder present differently in girls. And that like I have repressed it so it comes out in different ways."

"Then yeah, not going to lie, makes sense."

"Mm." I hum, walking with him into the sports building.

He takes my card from me and scans us both in.

"How's your head?" He asks.

That's the way August asks how I am. How's your head.

I smile at him a little. "It's okay."

"You look tired."

"I am a little."

"We'll only go in for a little bit." He says and nudges me to walk towards the changing rooms.

"No it's okay. You usually train for like two hours today don't you?"

"Yeah or more. But obviously we won't stay for that long. Plus you need to eat at some point."

"I had breakfast." I reassure.

"Let's do an hour?" He says. "Can you do an hour."

"I can do three."

He rolls his eyes at me. "Right go get changed then."

"I can't seriously do three."

He exhales in amusement. "Yes figured that much. Go. Get changed. You take so long already."

I just huff and leave him. I was wearing my bathing suit already because I felt lazy so why not. And so I was actually out of the changing rooms quicker than he was prepared for.

August, bare chest and small swimming trunks August, looked surprised at my presence but then gave me an amused look.

"Alright then Em."

I just roll my eyes and hang my towel up next to his.

"It feels scary being so undressed near you."

He snorts. "I am not going to jump you Emersyn Rose."

I just shrug. "Who knows with you at this point."

He frowns at me. "Did I or did I not resist you for like a whole summer?"

"I-"

He interrupts me. "Well then obviously I got sick and let you have your wicked way with me but like before that. I did well at not giving in to you."

"Go away."

This was making me blush. My wicked way with him? He was always the one making the first move. I just flirted a lot. It wasn't my fault.

"Okay." August says, turning around and going towards the side of the pool.

He jumps in easily. Starting to stretch as he stands in the water. I just go and sit by the side, watching him and dangling my legs in.

It was fuller this time. Other swimmers who could train, just training away.

"You seen Henry much this week?"

I look up at him confused, he moves closer and I finish tying my hair into a bun on top of my head.

"Pardon?"

"Just curious. We've been spending time together. But don't you usually see that kid after your sessions?"

I nod slowly. "Well yeah, but we made plans before Henry asked me to go for lunch, so I just told him I was busy. Plus it's valentine's day and things are a little weird with us right now. Like I know you weren't asking to spend time together because it's valentines day, whereas Henry and I would have this like overhanging question."

He searches my face and I wonder what he is looking for.

"So you're still seeing him?"

I nod. "Like we're friends." I say quietly.

"He's up there." August says quietly. "Waiting for Jude I assume."

I turn my head and August shakes his telling me not to look. "He's with her."

"Zoe?" I ask quietly.

"Mhm." He hums. "Does that bother you?"

Does it? It's not allowed to.

"No."

"No?"

"No. August I am a nice person, I don't ge mad at these things. Plus I don't know what I feel for him so like- he can do what he likes."

He snorts. "You are weird."

I just raise my hands in confusion.

"Go train." I mutter.

"Are you going to swim?" August asks.

"Well yeah."

"Okay don't do more than twenty lengths Emersyn. And stop if you feel out of breath."

I just nod a little and he looks up again.

"You know Zoe's not bad looking..." He says and I narrow my eyes at him. "If I sleep with her then that will help out your issue of her and Angel boy and it would also help my issue."

I screw my face up at him.

"Don't you dare."

He looks at me confused. "Seriously though. Like it works out..."

"No it doesn't." I mutter. "Zoe is a nice quiet girl."

"So were you." He chuckles and I extend my leg to kick him and he just moves back out the way, his shoulders emerging into the water and he swims back to me.

"You really think you're that attractive huh." I mutter, frowning at him.

He smirks a little. "Oh god. Here we go."

"No I am serious." I cross my arms over myself and his eyes flick down. He looks up immediately. "You think you can just get any girl you want."

"I-"

"I haven't ever even seen you make moves. Your moves you have made on me have been pathetic. The only reason I fell for them in the summer was because I was in love with you. Recently they do nothing so like I don't understand how you get girls."

"You don't understand how I get girls..." He repeats, his hands coming in contact with my feet and I am sure it's so I can't kick him away from me.

He just wraps his fists around my ankles and watches me.

"I am unsure whether I have the energy to take up that challenge Emersyn Rose."

I look down at him confused. "I didn't challenge you-"

"I just mean. I could show you. How I get girls."

I stare down at him and he smirks. "You haven't seen anything. Just because you think I made moves on your last summer, doesn't really mean I did. Things with us just happened. And there was a lot of moral conflict anyway. And when I mess around with you lately, like I am not serious. Like you've never actually experienced me coming after you."

I swallow.

"It wouldn't matter. I would still resist you."

He smirks. "I am sure you would. That's why I'll show you how I charm someone, that's not you."

And with that he squeezes both my ankles and detaches, swimming away from me and heading to the fast track lanes.

I just stare after him flustered.

Because I don't want that. At all. I don't want him to show me how he gets girls? The fuck? How did this even happen?

He has some serious reading the room issues.

I just block him out and get in the water. Whatever August. Honestly.

I swim.

And I think mostly about my writing. I am writing this story about an immortal and a time traveller. They hate each other. But the time traveller always has to find the immortal for her to tell him what like is going on in that time and space.