My life is really busy and I have like uni stuff and shit. But here is a chapter, sorry it's a little later than usual.

Also to those of you in the UK, another national lockdown like y a y ...

And for those of you in America shit, like that shit tonight was crazy. I hope everyone's doing okay, I know it's pretty scary sometimes.

And for those of you in other countries, I am sorry for my ignorance but I have no clue what's going on in your countries. So educate me, us, in the comments? Something big that's currently happening???

82

I made a silly decision last night.

I made a very very silly decision last night.

Said silly decision was fast asleep, naked, besides me.

Oh why, why for the love of God. I was doing so well.

Damn it.

The taste of foul alcohol was disgustingly present in my mouth, my tongue dry, that awful furry feeling present. Oh God, I drank a lot.

I feel it churn my stomach and I don't know if it was-

I suddenly got hit with fear.

Like full force fear and It made me freeze. What if it happens again? What if he slept with me last night because he wasn't okay again?

Fuck.

No.

No he was okay. We both- We were just being reckless, the teasing got too much and we gave in, right?

What if he's so not okay again and he says all that awful...

Emersyn chill out. God ew I feel sick.

I slowly sit up, not bothering about hiding my body when he stirs next to me, I look down, waiting for his annoyingly long eyelashes to flutter open.

They do.

He takes a few seconds to register the situation, but I see it in his eyes, the clear shock, then he winced.

"Crap."

A slight laugh leaves my lips and I turn my back to him.

Crap indeed.

More like fuck.

Fuck where are my knickers?

I see the material on the floor and I go and I pick them up, sliding them up my legs and covering me. August sits up, watching me.

"Emersyn are you okay?"

I pause, honestly, I feel really fucking sick.

Reply to him.

"Just hungover." I mumble, looking for my top, I swear if he tore any of the material last night when we-

Gosh.

I find it amongst his clothes, and I slip it on.

"Em."

I just wince.

I don't know how the fuck to act.

Like what do you do in this situation?

"Emersyn stop." His voice was stern and I immediately prickled, freezing. "Look at me."

I turn around.

The sun was beaming in, winter sun, bright, golden. Is it still considered winter in February? His skin looked fucking stunning, it made me wanna cry.

I ache.

I look at him.

"It's okay." He says softly. "It's okay right?"

I don't know.

I mean no.

No it's not okay.

So I shake my head and August moves, I lower my eyes to the floor and he pulls on some shorts that were by his bed and he walks around to me.

"Emersyn look it's fine. We were drunk. It just happened. What happens in dares right-" He tries to joke, but I can hear the rasp on his voice, a weird panic between us.

His floor was a mess with our clothes and his pillows and comforters that kept getting in the way last night. This was bad. We were so bad last night.

"Couldn't you have thrown that in the bin?" I mutter, my eyes attached to the condom on the floor.

August bends down and goes to discard of it. "Apologies princess but I was sort of in a rush to get another on."

I wince.

He curses.

"Okay I agree that didn't need to be said."

I feel sick.

I turn to find my trousers and he sits down on the bed, watching me.

"Emersyn are you cross?"

I smile a little at the word cross and dress myself.

"Talk to me."

I turn around. "It's okay." I say. "Like shit happens right?"

"Right." He nods, watching me carefully anf I honestly feel so flustered, embarrassed, shocked, stressed, everything. I feel so much. We fully just said fuck it last night didn't we.

Shit.

I swallow, cursing at my throat, it hurt so bad.

Fucking alcohol.

Damn.

"You look a little pale."

I give him a look. "It's your bloody cocktails."

"God, I thought you were going to say something else then."

I rub my forehead, looking at him.

"I was scared you'd um, be harsh." I said quietly. "Like last time."

He blinks at me. "Last time I woke up very confused, this morning it's a small level of confusion."

"Do you remember?" I ask.

I remember everything. Shit. We really...

"Yes, do you?"

I nod awkwardly.

"Doesn't feel like such a good idea the morning after huh." I say a little sheepishly. "I have never done this before."

He breathes a laugh. "Are you treating me like a one-night stand Emersyn Rose?"

I nod because this is what that is right. A hook up? A mistake.

Fuck ouch oh shit, why did we do this? Stupid.

I smile a little at him, he just looked concerned so to try and fucking deal with the awkwardness I try and joke. "Luella wanted me to go through a hoe phase, I doubt she meant this."

His jaw ticks and he shakes his head. "This was a stupid-"

"Mistake." I offer after he pauses. I feel so shit. Like room spinning, stomach turning-

"That word seems harsh." He says. "Emersyn you look like you're about to pass out."

"Yeah..."

He stands up and turns us, making me sit down.

"Water?"

I nod.

He leaves the room and I curse at myself. I hate hangovers for one, two, what the fuck did I do. We- we were friends. We were finally becoming friends again.

Like shit.

I bend my back, putting my head down because it's supposed to help with dizziness, and I hear him re-enter the room with water.

I look up, straightening my back.

"This is bad." I say. "Bad, bad, bad. What were we thinking?"

He crouches down and hands me the water, balancing with his hands on my knees.

"I don't think we were." He says.

I take a sip of the bottle and he watches me.

August looks at me, takes me in. "I am sorry."

I swallow and look down.

"Huh?"

"I shouldn't have... fuck, like you literally said you didn't want to."

Ha, he can't even say that... he walked away from me. I found him.

I blink at him. "August... I fully dared you."

He snorts. "How old are we? Eleven?"

"Seeing as we fucked for like hours last night I am going to have to say no to that one."

He looks up at me slightly taken aback and I look down at him in stress.

"We really fucked up August."

He nods. "I- look, it's fine. It was just sex. It happens. Just a fluke-"

I wince and he tenses a little at my body language. God. Ha. I feel so fucking in tune with him today. Shit. This is so bad.

And his words- that's probably what I sounded like to Henry.

Oh God, Henry.

I lift my hands to cover my face. If Henry finds out about this-

Like our friendship- I just got it back on track.

August watches my face screw up and he frowns. "Emersyn shit, I am sorry. We were just drunk."

I drop my hands. "You don't have to feel bad about this." I mumble. "It was as much as my fault as it was yours. But um, I need to go."

He nods. "Where?"

"I am going to be sick." I say. "I can feel it so it's time to leave and go upstairs."

"It's early." He says.

I just nod, looking for my shoes. I don't have a clue where they are.

I'll find them another day. I take another sip of water and feel the slight burn in my throat, the burn that says that you're not right on the inside. I nod a little to myself, I needed to leave.

I look at him, still half dressed, watching me. He doesn't even look that rough.

Oh god, imagine how much of a mess I must look.

I stand again and I feel my stomach churn, time to go.

"Em-"

"Leo I am so hungover." I say. "I need to go home."

He nods and steps aside and so I just awkwardly walk to the door.

"Emersyn?" He says almost softly behind me, I pause my hand on the door. He is behind me. I am too hungover for this shit. To feel him so close.

"You called me Leo. That means we're ok, right?"

I can feel it, the pull, the want to be comforted. I could just lean back and I- he didn't freak out. This morning. He wasn't cold or angry or anything like he was last summer. He was just asking if I was okay.

If we were okay.

"Yeah." I whisper.

I open the door and he follows out behind me. It was a disaster out here. Like fully, it was utterly- damn I need to find shoes, this was disgusting. The smell of alcohol was so intense that it made me pause, lift my hand to my nose a little.

Fuck, you ever feel scary sick, where it's not like a sudden onset but it's so strong that you're unsure how dangerous or literal the feeling is.

hen just as I was by the sofa, T's door starts to open and my immediate reaction was to fall to the floor and hide.

Because my God, Luella. She's going to be so mad at me. Like- she did not help me through that fucking broken heart for me to go and sleep with August the first time we were drunk and in good moods together.

But when I look up, slightly mortified and reaching to find August's eyes. He was looking down at me almost coldly.

Oh?

He looks up. "Trev, you good?"

"Yeah, thought I heard ya a second ago." He was stood I guess by his bedroom door, me hidden from him.

"Yeah I was just getting another water mate." August says. "Give me a minute yeah..."

Trev sounds confused. "What?"

"As in go back in your room for a second."

"I'll explain later." August says and I hear as T chuckles but does as he is told.

He looks down at me. "I assume you don't want me to explain later." His tone is harder than before. I get up.

"I-" I whisper. "I just-"

"You don't have to explain." August says and nods to the door.

"Your shoes are by the coffee table."

He was saying this loudly, clearly. I just cringe and walk to the coffee table and go and slip them on.

He can't make me feel bad for this. Surely?

I look at him and whisper. "I am not going to proudly advertise what we did last night August."

He ignores me and I glower a little to myself and this situation.

"August." I whisper harshly, getting his eyes on mine.

He looks at me.

"You understand why I have been saying no right? Why I didn't want this to happen? For fuck sake August I was in love with you, I know that this is just another one night stand to you but this is-"

"Okay." He cuts me off.

"No listen-"

"Whatever you are going to explain to me I don't care. I know already. I dunno how this happened but I know you and I know how your brain works, so go, don't overthink yourself into oblivion and get some sleep."

I fall silent.

I look up at August, me silenced, and I start to feel a little upset. Because before last night August was someone I could pretty much talk to anything about. But he's telling me to shut up.

My cheeks are burning, I literally cannot talk to anyone about this.

I can't talk to my mum or dad for obvious fucking reasons. Luella is a no. We all know how she'd react. T is a no because he'd have to tell Luella. Rayne- no. Jude- no. Henry, shit Henry would be mad at me won't he.

'Isn't going there with boys at the moment-next day fucks the ex'.

Oh god.

August is watching my face, and I knew that everything I was just thinking about would have been written in emotion across my face, my eyes.

But I didn't care. I never hid these things from him.

I meet his eyes.

He looks away, strained.

I hurt a little at that. God we fucked this. Shit.

I leave. We don't say anything else. I just go up stairs and I go up to bed.

I try to rest for a bit, but then the need to get up and head into the bathroom takes over. I need to shower or be sick, like the hangover is at that stage. But I don't know whether if I get into the shower, it'll make it worse or better.

In the end I just end up drinking more water, taking some painkillers for the headache and I get into a bath, sinking in and I try really hard not to think about last night.

But whenever I think about it, whether it's when I'm in the bath, or getting dressed, or getting back into bed... I just feel a mess. Like I feel stupid. I feel really stupid because he's been trying it on for weeks, and I knew we shouldn't. He was looking for physical comfort, just like he used to with all the girls he used to see and I was trying to resist him because his version of physical comfort led me to falling head over fucking heals for him last summer.

Why did he even think that that was a good idea?

The flirting. The teasing. The games. It makes no sense.

My feelings for him last time were an inconvenience, especially at the beginning, that is all he saw me as. And then he got sick and he thought he was feeling them back.

But he wasn't.

We cleared that shit up.

So what could come from this shit?

Nothing.

Literally nothing.

Other than self-destruction. Is that what he wanted? Just self-destructive actions. Our friendship ruined.

It doesn't feel like that though. If that is all that is for him then we wouldn't have reacted to each other the way we did last night. I mean, I know we have chemistry. I have been missing it's fucking presence from every single other person I've attempted to get close to.

Oh shit man, why did I do this to myself?

Is this what he meant by don't over think it?

Ha.

I pull the covers over my head more and I'm too fucking ill to sleep.

But at least if I sleep, I can ignore it.

Every time I close my eyes the room moves.

Like I don't know if you ever get that, where you just feel way too sick to even function.

Great. I decide I will put myself back together and figure this whole thing out when I wake up.

I end up falling asleep at some point.

Which was a little more complicated than anticipated.

Because instead of peacefully sleeping, August's face appears over me, his lips on my neck, his whispers into my ear. I can feel his hands on my body, on the curves of my waist on my chest, on my thighs prying them apart, squeezing, rubbing, coaxing.

I can feel the way it hurt, like the first time, but then how it faded much quicker. I can feel the way he shook when I touched him, the anticipation between us, the need.

I can feel it all until I am bursting awake, my eyes wide and my heart racing. I had sat up, unable to catch my breath.

God.

I fall back into my pillows. Shit.

Ha. I can't. I can't get away from him. He's literally in my fucking dreams.

Great.

My phone buzzed on my nightstand and I reach for it. It was gone 3 in the afternoon now and I was slightly shocked by that, I had been asleep for hours.

Henry had messaged me.

Shit. Henry.

I-

Ha I told him I liked him but wasn't in the place for any involvement with boys. Then I slept with August. And I know, I know Luella and I had joked about me hooking up with another guy at that party anyway but I was mostly joking. And it was different with August. Well actually even if I had hooked up with someone else, Henry has a right to be pissed off with me right?

Like I- I would be hurt if someone did this to me.

Maybe he doesn't have a right to be pissed off, but he has a right to have an emotional reaction to it.

I won't tell him; he doesn't need to know.

Oh fuck he's so nice.

I feel frustration hum in me because why- why couldn't I have just felt for this boy what I needed to. If I did- I certainly wouldn't have slept with August last night.

He had sent that a while ago, the recent message was another from him saying hey you good?

Christ.

I text back.

A lie when coloured white is not a lie right?

I sigh and lock my phone. I did still feel rough, my throat sore, head worse. But at least I stopped feeling sick.

I should eat something.

I will.

But to be honest, my eyes were drawing heavy again, and so I just closed them and let myself sink into more problematic dreams.

I awake with Luella calling my name.

I look at her stressed.

She looks at me confused.

She laughs. "You always wake up like you've done something wrong by sleeping."

Ha.

I smile a little and rub my face, looking at her through my hands as she stands by the door.

"You good?" She asks. "You hungover?"

I nod. "Bad." I say.

She pouts at me and then opens the door more and my eyes widen when I see Henry hovering behind her. "Angel is here, he brought you supplies."

I press my eyes together in fucking guilt.

He's so perfect.

"Hen you didn't need to-"

He smiles and passes Lue, Luella just retreats away and I wonder why she didn't join. I am unsure whether I am relieved or sad she didn't join.

Shit.

"I just brought you like medicine and shit- I thought you had that cold that's going round but um, late night?"

I cringe and sit up. Then his eyes attach to my skin and I freeze.

Oh fuck.

"You have-"

Marks.

"Henry I am sorry-"

He blinks at me and I move my hair to cover August's fucking lip marks on my neck. Yeah he fucking marked me.

Everywhere. I have these little bruises every-fucking-where.

It is mortifying.

Henry turns to leave and I panic.

"Please don't."

He pauses. "I was going to close the door Emersyn."

"Oh." I whisper.

Henry closes the bedroom door, and he flicks on the light.

Then he turns around to look at me.

"What- no- who... why?"

I cringe. "I am sorry, I know, I know that- shit." I whisper in stress. I look up to meet his eyes. "I meant everything I said to you, like about it being me, not you. About me needing time, about me-"

"I gathered you meant because you weren't ready to be with someone again, not that you wanted to mess around first."

I cringe.

"Henr-"

"No I am sorry for saying that. I didn't mean anything like what that sounded. I just don't like that you had another guy touching you-"

Ha well-

"But I'm sorry, I don't have any right to-"

"Henry I was just drunk." I cut him off. "I was just- I didn't know what I was doing."

His brow furrows in concern. "How drunk?"

I wince. "No. No. Um, like we, I knew what I was doing I just didn't think about the consequences."

"Are you okay?" He asks.

My heart hurts because this boy in front of me is so good.

I nod. "I am ok." I whisper.

"Was it him?" Henry asks and I freeze.

"Who?" I whisper.

"August."

Oh fuck.

I lie.