HI this is a little messy and a little unnecessary sort of but like - it's just a filler:)))

97

We had to write something for this assignment and read it aloud. I have seminars for controversial lit where he combines the modules creative writing and literature together.

Basically, we had to write something controversial.

Something that was exposing.

I wrote about August.

Because the way I feel for him is controversial, exposing.

It was just focused more on the microworld not the macroworld. Which as I listen to other people's political rants, I realise that well, I may have gone in a different direction to them for this assignment.

But as my turn gets to me, I just shrug.

All he can say is that it's not what he meant. I guess. I can justify it. It is exploitative, within context of our whole relationship, what August and I are doing right now could be considered controversial. Should we be going back there? Should I be letting it? Should I be falling and falling and falling without the knowledge if he'd there below.

I mean he wasn't last time.

He thought he was. I thought he was. But instead of catching me it's like for a moment I was there in his arms, but then the pressure of my fall crumbled the earth beneath him and then we were both falling again.

This time to the rocks.

I clear my throat, sending a smile at Tate as they nodded at me to go for it.

"So, you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but you hope that he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shovelled yourself a grave in the dirt and you are tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy and you are tired and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over, and he touches you and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for. So, you're in a car with this beautiful boy and you wonder whether he feels it too. Whether the way he touches you gets lost in translation. Whether it's all in your head. So, you are sat in this car, this car with this beautiful boy and you are sat in silence. No words exchanged. But you know it, he knows it. That somewhere, in some life, you made love in a garden of flowers. Trembling hands reaching out towards the sky, trying to grasp the last watery rays of broken golden sun- two hearts colliding and shattering into a million tiny stars. So, you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but you hope that he loves you, you hope that he remembers."

I look up and give a little smile and he nods to me, asking if I was done.

He smiles at me, the professor.

I close my book.

He shakes his head.

"Someone explain to me why that is controversial literature." He says, looking around and no one says anything, so I wince a little.

"Because it is exposing to the author." He explains. "You don't have to be exposing something else. The best writing comes from within. Something you are impacted by. Something you have felt. For example, Lydia, your piece about global warming. Brilliant. Technically exquisite. But it had no emotion. No real emotion. You haven't felt it. You live here, it doesn't impact you. However, if you lived it's effects, that would be different. Yes?"

Everyone nods.

He looks at me. "Emersyn right?"

I nod.

"This bloke you speak off."

I blush, a little exposed feeling.

"You're not supposed to love him. Right?"

I nodded a little.

He slams his hands down on the desk in excitement.

"She didn't say that. But it was in her writing. The feeling on conflict, confusion, frustration."

He slams his notebook, planner together and he sits back, again pretty much everyone startles at his franticness. "Alright great, we are done for today. Go home. Find inspiration. The rest of you who haven't read yet. Make sure you get emotion into it other wise I will die of boredom."

We all laugh a little and we all start to get up and pack our stuff away. I was supposed to be going to theatre with Jude after this but Jude just text me like a few minutes ago that he felt a little unwell so was going to miss it.

And I was tired, so I decided to just head home instead.

It had been a few days since my lunch with Elijah. I was going out with him, Victoria and Kendal this evening. He wasn't supposed to be coming, but I think something had happened with Madelyn. I dunno, he just called and asked me if it was alright if he joined, he said he needed a drink.

I just said whatever.

August was with me, so when I told him I sort of expected some sort of remark. Instead he moved the phone away from me and we continued doing what we were doing.

He tried to continue when I answered the phone. But I said no.

He just landed on me inpatient and listened.

As I walked home, I pressed on his number, wanting to hear his voice as I walked.

Waiting.

"Hey." He says.

I smile. "Hi."

"I thought you were going to one of your things?"

I laugh. "One of my things?"

"I try to keep up, I swear, but I have no clue what you were supposed to be doing. But I know you were supposed to be busy until six."

"Jude cancelled on me." I say. "And I am tired and wanna nap before I go out tonight."

"Ah okay." He says. "When are you coming back?"

"Now ish, I am just walking out of campus now."

"Okay."

"What are you doing?"

"I am just studying."

"Are you at yours?"

"Yeah."

"Can I come up?" I ask.

"Yeah, but I am actually studying." He chuckles and I smile.

"I won't talk to you."

"I mean you can talk. But just not distract."

"To be honest I just wanna sleep in your bed."

August laughs. "My bed isn't even as comfy as yours."

I shrug. "August, I just want to be near you."

He exhales a noise of amusement. "Then come up."

"Alright, alright, I am still few blocks away."

"You're gonna make me tired, watching you sleep." He says.

"Good, you might be tempted to nap with me."

"Emersyn-"

I laugh and then say a quick goodbye. My eyes heavy honestly as I tread back towards home. I was happy because it was slowly turning brighter in the days, the sun actually hot against my skin as it slowly descended across the sky.

I was in need of the seasons to change. Honestly.

I let myself in to August's flat, calling out to him and he called back that he was in his room.

Which fair enough, as I pushed his door open he was at there at his desk, paperwork everywhere.

"Hey brains."

He rolls his eyes at me. "How was your assignment thing?"

"You remembered."

"Yep."

I shrugged. "I think it was pretty good."

He smiles at me. "Can I read it get?"

Immediately my head shook. "No, not a chance."

He knew I was writing about him, he just wasn't allowed to see.

He looks unimpressed and I just start taking my shoes off, dumping my bag and then going to him, I slide my hands over his shoulders, lowering my chin to his shoulder as I looked over it.

I read his document, wondering how you even type equations into a word document.

He turns his head and I move to press a kiss on his lips.

Our eyes closing as the feeling surrounds us.

I hated kissing him sometimes, I never knew when to pull away. The answer is simple. Like pull away when you want to.

I just don't ever feel that indication, I guess.

August pulls back, holding my face in his hands, our eyes closed.

I guess he feels it. The want to pull away.

"Go nap" He mumbles. "I have work to do."

I smile and stand up, walking to his draws and I get myself out the usual, just something to get changed into.

"Em you have comfy clothes here from-"

I turn to look at him annoyed, slowly pulling my dress over my head. "Are you saying I can't put your top on?"

He lifts his hands in surrender and turns around to look back down at his laptop.

I slide my trousers down, leaving them on the floor as I fall into his bed. His smell and just the feel of him engulfing me as I pull the covers up to my neck.

"What time do you need to be up?" He asks.

I just plug my phone into his charger as I think.

"Err, like eight at the latest I guess."

"You meeting them at nine?"

I nod.

"Okay I'll wake you up at half seven so you can eat something." He says.

I just close my eyes.

I have been doing everything I could to stop feeling how I was feeling. I have been really positive in the day, even as the day bleeds into the night with August. I have felt so happy the past few days.

But then someone mentions food.

And my mood plummets.

I have been eating. I have too many people around me that watch me to make sure, that encourage, that support. And I get through it and it's always fine.

But it's freaking hard sometimes.

August and I have been meeting back home for lunch most days this week. Luella and I have been having dinner.

It's fine. Good. Like I know it's good. It's just stressful.

But the stress comes and goes quickly at the moment, and I think that's better, manageable. I just have to continue doing everything I am, and hopefully we can get the thoughts and anxiety quiet again.

Like stress, sleep comes fast. I snuggle into what honestly has become my safe spot and it wasn't long before August was falling into the covers beside me, stretching and wrapping an arm around my waist.

I turn into him.

"Did you set an alarm?" I mumble.

"Yeah." He whispers and I turn around in his arms and we intertwine, sleep coming quick to both of us.

....

"Emersyn." August groans and I just lay back on the bed exhausted.

"I have nothing to wear."

He laughs. "You own more clothes than Ivy."

I sit up. "And?"

"I am merely saying you have lots of things to wear."

I collapse back on the bed annoyed.

We'd come up to mine, having dinner as a four together with Lue and T. Then instead of getting back to studying August hung around with me as I got ready to go out. He said he'd continue when I go.

I was laying on the bed, my happy black flared trousers on my body, nothing on my top.

My hair done; makeup half complete.

August was just sat in my bedroom floor watching me.

"Em why not the usual thing you wear with that-"

"Because I am cold."

"Okay so your long sleeved-"

"No because it's too black on black."

"Well I happen to like black on black." He says.

I look up. I pout. "Are you trying to reiterate I am not your type."

He looks so confused. "How-why." He rolls his eyes. "I meant clothes."

I smile a little and lie back down, covering my chest with my arms.

"I could just go like this." I offer.

"And carry your tits around in your arms all night?"

I nod. "Could do that."

"Well I suggest you don't."

I sigh dramatically and he tosses another top over at me.

I just throw it back at him.

"Emersyn do you do this every time you get dressed?" He asks.

I look up. "Practically."

He laughs. "You look fit in anything, just choose something that's warm and comfy and just put it on top."

I look at him. "But we're going to a club. It's gonna be like dressy."

"Then wear your usual little top thing and just wear a coat, bring money for the cloak room and just try and remember it."

I nod. "That's a good idea."

"Not just a pretty face." He says and I smile, sitting up and his eyes flick down to my exposed chest.

"Now put clothes on, I am sweating with your nakedness."

I grin, taking from him my little lace top and I slip it on.

"I am gonna be late." I mumble, standing up and he just watches me as I head back to my desk and start doing my eye makeup.

"You have like fifteen minutes until they pick you up."

"It takes me a while."

He just chuckles and stands up, picking up my clothes from the floor.

"Just leave them." I say.

"No thanks." August says, folding it up and putting it away.

I just ignore him, letting him do his thing as I focus on putting some makeup on.

We were heading to a pub, but below it was a club, so we were gonna start up and then go below.

I was excited to be honest.

And to be honest, I was right to be excited.

The night went quickly, drinks were fast, flowing.

Alcohol dizzying.

We danced, the whole time pretty much. We danced as a group for hours but I knew what Kendal and Victoria were doing when they disappeared dancing together. Leaving Elijah and I alone.

But we just danced, not once did he place his hands near me and instead we laughed. Drunken laughter carrying us all the way to the taxi, him dropping me off first and then heading back to the house.

It was gone two in the morning, which actually wasn't technically that late.

But I was...

Wobbling.

I knocked on the door in front of me, unsure how I got here. But relieved that I was.

I giggled, lifting my hand to his door number.

Cute.

I knocked again and I heard August call he was coming.

He swung the door open and then closed it immediately from its wideness and then reached forward to stabilise me.

"Emersyn I've been messaging you." He says.

I smile up at his face, lifting my hand to his skin and I try and stroke the cheek.

"You need shave." I smile, starting to walk in and he winces.

"Emersyn there are people here-"

I walk in and I freeze, looking at the two girls on the couch and I whip around to him, my eyes wide.

He looks at me coldly.

"Project."

"It's two in the morning."

"Study-"

I go to walk back out and he groans, pulling me back by the waist and the two girls, who admittedly are fully clothed and sat around books, are just staring at him surprised.

"Sorry." He mutters to them and he's holding me tightly, his arm around my waist and I am just drunk and the world is fuzzy but there are clearly two females, pretty females in his flat in the middle of the night and I bite my cheek to not kick right off.

I want to kick off.

I don't know why.

"We should call it a night." He tells them.

"August we need to-"

"Figure it out yourselves, elsewhere." August says and I try and struggle against him.

My heart is racing.

I was emotional.

I was drunk.

I was allowed to be.

I came straight here, I didn't even think about going home, I just was like- August.

And August was just chilling here, he didn't even tell me about them. About the plans.

I squirm out of his hold and I stumble away, heading into the kitchen and he turns to them.

"Look I need to sort her, I've done my shit, just figure out the rest." He says to them and he goes and opens the door and if my calculations are correct, he seems a little stressed.

"Yeah he has to deal with me, get the fuck out." I whisper, my voice dripping with attitude but it's utterly under my breath, even drunk I know I can't be rude to some girls but seriously, huh?

They leave and I am rubbing my eyes trying to find a glass and August is besides me very quickly, taking over.

"Emersyn if you had checked your phone; I told you they were going to be here."

I stay silent.

"You confuse me, why are you mad?" he says, searching my admittedly narrowed gaze.

"I'm drunk." I mumble, pushing away from him and he walks with me as I head into the bedroom, throwing my shoes to the floor and pulling my top off.

He doesn't care about me.

"You don't care about me." I mumble, wiggling out of my trousers and I trip over into the bed, stumbling to the floor.

"Emersyn." He complains, jogging the space between us and lifting me back up. "How much did you fucking drink?"

"Lots." I whisper and push him away, heading to find clothes.

He helps me take a t-shirt and once it is pulled over my head I turn away from him.

"Emersyn you know I wasn't doing anything." He sighs. "You're just drunk."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask. "You didn't say. Oh by the way I am having a fucking study date earlier with two beautiful-"

"I didn't think it was relevant, and when it ran over and I gathered you'd be back and they'd still be here I texted you. Where is your phone?"

"Coat."

I had tossed it down by the door, some door. I think his door.

"You didn't have a coat." He says.

"I do." I say, ducking away from him and falling on the bed.

"No, you didn't-"

"It's in the hall." I mumble and he sighs, leaving the room and I lift a hand to fan myself. Fucking air that's always hot and I am hot and I prefer hot but I am so hot.

I kneel up on the bed, reaching the window and because it hasn't been opened in the while I cant get it open and I sigh in frustration, letting out an upset noise when I have to climb on my feet to get the window open.

I am hit with the cool air immediately and I open up the widow wide, smiling into the night.

August doesn't- fuck why doesn't he feel the way I feel?

I know, I know why. I know all the reason he gave for not being able to.

But I just want him to.

How pathetic.

I fall back on the bed, underestimating the distance between my ass and the mattress and I literally bounce off it, tumbling to the right and falling dead weight onto the floor besides his bed.

Ow.

Ow ow ow ow.

Man.

I feel the blubbering start before August even gets to me and he must have heard the bang and ran because he was quick.

"What the actual fuck are you doing?" He says, his hands gently sitting me up and I sniffle, turning my face into his chest and he sits down.

"You are so much drama." He mumbles.

"I hurt my wrist." I cry and he picks it up, to be fair I don't think it's hurt, hurt. I can't feel anything, my body numbed with the alcohol.

"Emersyn." He groans. "As in hurt, hurt. Or sad Em, hurt."

I turn my face into him and I am crying and he's just holding me.

"Hell." He mutters and I pull back offended.

"Stop swearing at me."

August just looks down at me unimpressed.

"Emersyn did you have a shitty night?"

I cry because no, I am sad now because he had girls round and I am this sad and when I see boys he doesn't care.

I pull away from him and lie down on his rug, cradling my wrist to my chest.

"You don't care about me."

"Emersyn." He groans. "Let's not talk about this right now."

I sit up. "We should talk about how you had not one but two-"

He groans and collapses back on his floor, copying my position.

"Emersyn stop, I thought you didn't care anyway. Isn't that what you said. We're single. Can act singl-"

I lift my hands to my face and cry.

"Oh fuck." He says and moves towards me. "You nutter, Emersyn I was just-"

I sniffle.