I text Gerard, saying I'm heading over to his house now. I still can't believe what happened on Friday. After a few rounds of hide and seek, the others surprised me. For my birthday, they all pitched in a bought a guitar. MY guitar, Pansy. Epiphone Wilshire Phant‑o‑matic. In ivory. I couldn't believe it and I honestly started crying, which confused them. I'm ever so grateful for my friends because they are so kind and wonderful. It's not because they bought me my guitar. They truly care and they coordinated it for me. I don't care about the guitar as much as the friends they are. Nobody's ever cared this much about me.

It was Gerard's idea, he arranged the whole idea and was holding onto it in his closet since they got enough money to buy it. I felt sick to my stomach when I realized this was Gerard's doing. Not because of anything bad but because I think I actually love him.

Stepping outside, the air stings my face and I shudder from the cold. When it actually started snowing, my little jacket won't be doing enough to keep me warm. Well, I do have some extra cash on me now that I'm not saving for anything. I really need a job. Then again as terrible as it is, my parents about once a month give me a handful of money to "make up" for not always being there. At this point, I don't care. Well, I do but I don't.

I ring the doorbell but nobody answers. I text him again, saying I'm here and ring again. It doesn't make sense because his parents should be here. It's the same time as always. I call him and wait for him to answer. It rings and rings but he never picks up. It goes to his voicemail and I hang up. Weird. The cold starts getting to me so I head back to my house wondering.

My father's in the kitchen when I step back inside. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I-"

"It's 40 degrees outside. Why aren't you wearing a thicker jacket?"

"I don't really have one," I say. He stops and looks at me. "What?"

"Why didn't you say anything?" I shrug. "You can't keep wearing that. It's going to start snowing." He goes to the front and looks around. "Here, you can wear my old one."

"Thanks," I say, taking it.

Footsteps sound from the stairs and my mother walks over. "Morning, Frank," she says. She glances at the coat. "That's your father's."

"He needs one, it's cold outside."

She opens her mouth, probably to yell for not providing me with my own. "Well, thanks! I got to go or I'll be late," I say, quickly leaving the house before any yelling can start. I run down the street back to Gerard's house. He hasn't replied to my texts yet. I ring his bell again but nobody answers. I need to go to Cody's house now or I'll be late. Granted, he'd pick me up if I didn't make it there on time. No need to cause any trouble.

I start jogging over to Jenna and Cody's house as they walk outside. "Hey, there you are," Jenna says with a smile. "I was just about to text you."

"Sorry, I was waiting for Gerard and-" I stop when I see Cody give his head a small and discreet shake. "But I don't know."

"Oh, he texted Cody, saying he was sick and staying home." That doesn't make sense. If he was sick, he'd still answer his phone. Unless he was sleeping but that still doesn't seem right. Someone would have answered the door. And he would've told me too like he told Cody.

"Yeah, well, let's go. Frank, sit up front," Cody says. The girls climb in the back and I get in the passenger. Amelia and Jenna are talking about a movie they want to see while Cody discreetly whispers to me. "Did Gee tell you anything?"

"No," I whisper in equal volume. "Why?"

"I'll tell you later. Just...don't say anything. Okay?" I nod and we start driving to school. When we arrive, we go our split up. "See you in art, Jenna."

She waves at him and then heads to her lockers with Amelia. "So what's going on? Is everything okay?" I ask.

"Please, he specifically asked me not to tell anyone and I promised but I am pretty sure you are the only one else who would know."

"Okay, I won't say anything," I say. "Is it bad?"

Cody looks at me. "You know how Gerard's anorexic?" I stop and look at him, dropping my mouth open and gasping. "Shit, guess not," he winces. Cody turns away, running his hands through his hair.

I reach for his shoulder. "What do you mean?" I ask.

"You really didn't know?" he whispers. I shake my head. "But you hang out with him a lot after school to work on your history project. I thought you would have figured it out..."

"What do you mean?" I ask again. I don't understand why he would mention this right now. I'm glad I know but I wish it wasn't true.

"He doesn't like eating," he whispers. Cody and I head down to the art wing where there aren't any other students. Standing off to the side, he keeps talking in a low voice so nobody hears. "When we were younger, he used to be overweight. It wasn't a problem, he wasn't obese or anything unhealthy. It was just baby fat, you know? But he got bullied a lot. Then we didn't see each for a few years and I guess the bullying got worse. By the time we reconnected, he was slender but not by healthy means. Freshman year, he became really self-conscious and stopped eating when he could, didn't have lunch, skipped breakfast. Last year, he nearly starved himself to death and he was hospitalized. Everyone else believed his lie of appendicitis. I'm the only person he told."

"Is he better?" I ask. "Or did he relapse? Is that why he isn't here?"

"Well," Cody glances down. "I want to say he's getting better. I do see him eat food but I have to convince him sometimes. None of the others know. You know Elena?"

"His grandmother?" I ask.

"Yeah, she's always there when his parents aren't. I'm the only one who really goes to his house just to hang out so I'm the only one who's met her. Besides you that is. She's there to make sure he's eating and not throwing up."

I sigh, leaning against the wall. It makes sense. He argues against her telling him to have something and she always makes sure he eats. Also, explains why Gerard would tell his parents he was eating at Cody's when he'd tell Cody he already ate at home. Why the hell didn't I realize? "So he texted you saying he wasn't at school?"

"He texted me last night, told me to tell the others he was just sick."

"Well, he is sick if he's in the hospital."

"What? No, no," Cody says. "He's...at a funeral." I widen my eyes at him. "His grandmother passed away."

I cover my mouth with my hand. "What? No..." Elena? She's so sweet and caring. Gerard always talked about her highly, how she was there for him when his parents weren't. I know she's been getting worse with headaches and back problems, becoming more tired but I didn't think she would pass away.

He nods slowly. "I know. He's really distraught because...he feels she was all he had. And his parents have a lot going on. I know Donna and Donald mean well but they forget about Gerard a lot but I don't blame them."

"So what's going to happen?"

Cody shrugs. "Gee...he needs to be monitored. He's my best friend but I know he's lying about eating. At least he's not starving himself anymore but he's still not healthy. His parents will have a hard time keeping an eye on him and I'm worried he'll relapse."

"He's going to be okay, though, right?" Cody doesn't say anything, just glancing down. "Cody, he's your best friend. He's going to be okay, right?" Warning bell rings but neither of us moves. What do we do? What do I do? I'm not supposed to know any of this but now I do. Cody only brought it up because he thought I would have known. I guess I'm a lousy friend for never realizing. Why would Gerard think he needs to lose weight. I mean, maybe before he was chubby but that doesn't mean he wasn't perfect. Beauty is something in the soul and his body shouldn't matter. And he's average weight, well, below average now that I think about it. He's very slender for his height. But he's still beautiful because of his heart. I don't care what he looks like. I just want him safe and healthy.

The majority of art kids start heading to class and Cody and I follow along. "But please, you cannot tell the others. Please, don't. And don't bring it up with Gerard."

"I won't," I whisper.

"What are you two whispering about?" We turn around and see Lynn and Jenna behind us. "Oh my gosh, Cody! Are you asking Frank out?" she teases.

"Yeah, totally," he replies, rolling his eyes while laughing. "No offense, Frank, but you're not my type. Not enough woman."

"I could be a woman if I wanted to," I joke.

Cody shrugs. "Would you?" he asks.

"Probably not, I'm comfortable as a dude."

The four of us sit at our table and they take out their projects. "Well, let's just date other people then," he says.

In math, I open up my song journal and flip to a blank page. Why is it all my inspiration comes from Gerard? Eh, probably because I'm in love with him. Even though I barely know him. Is this love? Probably just lust that I am confusing love with. I've never been in "love" before so what do I know? I do know Gerard is beautiful and not because of how he looks. I know I need to tell him that and I could write about it.

The only reason Gerard thinks he needs to starve himself is that he was bullied for being overweight. It's not a real problem, I don't understand why he would need to change. The world doesn't know what beauty is because it's hurting the real beautiful people, telling them they're ugly. It's the world is what's ugly and Gerard is beautiful, at least he is to me. I start writing down lyrics in my journal. I finished my math homework before the warm-up was done. Matrix is the easiest things in the world, why need to have 5 different examples?

"Frank, how do you do this?" Amelia asks, turning around with her homework.

I don't bother to glance up. "Multiple each side by the inverse," I say. I slide my homework over to show her what I mean.

"Well, that makes a lot more sense. You should be a math teacher," she says, scribbling down the steps.

"It just takes practice," I say smiling.

"Are you thinking of me like I'm thinking of you?" I stop writing and look up at her blushing. "Sorry, I was just reading it. Another song?"

"Yeah," I mutter.

Her eyes scan the paper, reading a bit more. "Who's it for?" she asks.

I freeze for a minute. Nobody can know. "Uh, I don't know. Just an idea I had.

"Well, I like it so far. I also liked the other one you wrote a while back, I'm Not Okay I Promise. I thought it was really good."

"Thanks," I smile. "You're the only one who's read my stuff, the only one who knows about it."

"Really? I think the others would love it. You could start a band."

"Oh, I wish," I say. "That would be a dream of mine."

"Well, I certainly expect backstage passes."

"Why of course," I say, laughing. The bell rings and we pack up our papers into our bags. We head outside and meet up with Cody and Jenna.

"Hey, you guys want to hang out at our place?" Cody offers?"

Amelia and I exchange glances and shrug. "Yeah, that'd be fun."

The only homework I really have is my history project but I can't work on it without Gerard. He has half our stuff. It's not like I need to worry about it. We're almost done and there are kids who barely have the outline done. I sit with the others continuing to work on my song while they do homework. Occasionally, Amelia will ask me for help with math. My parents keep texting me, asking where I am and saying I need to come home. I don't reply to them. They'll forget about me in five minutes.

Around 6 o'clock, we have dinner, making pizza rolls and finishing off the leftover pop. "Have you tried out your guitar yet?" Jenna asks.

I smile. "Yeah, it's epic. You guys are so nice."

"I'm glad you like it," Jenna says. "Now you and Lynn can rock out together."

Cody's phone starts ringing. He answers it, getting up and leaving the room. "Hey, how are you doing?" he says as he steps out.

"Probably Gerard," Amelia says. "I hope he's better for tomorrow."

"Same, probably just strep throat. It's been going around the school lately," Jenna replies.

"Good thing we didn't play spin. Otherwise, we'd all be sick." I smile along with the others but I sit still. I know he's not sick. Is this what Amelia mentioned a long time ago? Something's off about him but the other's didn't know what. No, she said Jenna knew too but Cody said this was something only he was aware of. There's something else going on with Gerard. "Frank, you good?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Just hope he's back too," I say. "History was boring without him and...he has the stuff for our project."

"Oh, that's true," Amelia says. "Well, I'm sure he'll be okay."

Cody comes back a little uneasy. "Hey, I'm going to head over to Gerard's house," he says. "Give him some company."

"Okay, sounds good," Jenna says.

"Amelia, you going to stay the night or do you want a ride home."

"She's staying the night," Jenna interjects.

Amelia glances at her. "I am?"

"You are now!" she laughs.

"Okay, and Frank?"

I glance at my watch. I should be getting home soon. They keep texting me, which is weird because usually, they don't usually care this much. "Yeah, I need to get going," I admit

"Okay, I'll drive you."

I say goodbye to the girls and pack up, heading out with Cody. My phone starts ringing. My mother is calling but I dismiss it. There are more important things than them. "Is everything okay?" I ask when we step out of the house.

Cody takes out his phone and starts texting. "I don't know, that's why I'm going there."

"Okay, just make sure he's okay," I say.

His phone chimes. "You want to come too?"

I need to go home but I want to see Gerard. Then again, does Gerard want to see me? "Uhh, I don't really want to intrude on-"

"I asked, he said he didn't mind you coming with."

"Then let's go. I just won't be able to stay long."

My mother texts me -Where are you? You need to come home right now- I swipe the notification and silence my phone. I can't stay too long, just long enough to make sure he's okay and if he'll go to school tomorrow.

When we get there, his father opens the door. He doesn't say much, just letting us in. There's a lot of adults in the kitchen, all wearing black. His mother is sitting on the couch covering her face with her hands, clutching handfuls of tissues. We go upstairs to Gerard's room and see him lying on his bed, his face buried in his pillow. He's wearing nice clothes, dress shirt, slacks, nice jacket.

Cody walks over to him and sits on the bed next to him. "Gee?"

"Hmm?" he mutters, not moving.

"It's me, Cody."

"I know," he mumbles. "I can recognize your voice anywhere."

Cody places his hand on his shoulder. "Frank's here too."

"I figured, you said he was coming." I step into his room and shut the door behind us. "I'm sorry," he mutters.

Cody shakes his head. "No, it's okay. You don't need to apologize."

Gerard sits up, taking a shaking breath. His eyes are swollen, cheeks break red. The whites of his eyes are a brighter red. He curls his legs up to his chest. He leans against the wall and covers his head with his arms. "Come here," Cody says, pulling him close to hug him. Gerard unfolds himself from a ball and leans on Cody, breaking down. "You're okay," he says. "It's going to be okay."

"No, it's not!" he says. His voice breaks off at the end. I don't know what to do. I just stand on the other side of his room, looking at him. He's so broken inside. "I just want it all to end." Cody bites his lip, looking at him worried. "I'm sick of everything, I just want it to stop."

"Please, don't," Cody whispers.

Gerard moves away from Cody, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "I'm sorry," he whispers. He looks up at me and puts on a small smile. "Hi."

"Hi," I whisper back.

"Elena passed away," he whispers.

"My condolences," I tell him.

He nods, wiping his eyes again. "Friday morning. Except I wasn't told since I wasn't home. They waited until my dad picked me up in the morning." He yanks on his tie, which is done really nicely. To be honest, I don't think he did it himself. I walk over to him and take his hands. He looks up at me and I lower them before untying the fabric and slowly pulling off him.

"It's going to be okay," I say. "You want to talk?" Gerard looks down, taking his hands back. "We're here for you."

"I don't know what to do," he whispers. "I don't have anyone anymore. My parents don't care about me."

"That's not true," Cody says. "They would be devastated if they lost you."

"Yeah, they're already down one kid," he mutters. I look at him funny but Cody shakes his head so I don't ask. One kid? What does that mean? "I get that it's hard and they're doing what they can but...they don't even notice me anymore. If I were to die in my room, it takes a week for them to figure it out."

"Gee-"

Gerard waves Cody off. "I didn't say I would, just saying if."

"You know that's not true," he says sternly. "They would notice."

"Yeah, you're right. The school would call and ask so they'd come to yell at me."

"Please, stop," I whisper. Gerard looks up at me, lost eyes. "Gerard, you're my friend. You're our friend. And I know you're upset but please understand people care about you. I would be crushed if anything happened. Please, stop saying that nobody would notice." Gerard looks at me softly. He doesn't say anything, just staring at me hurt. I clench my jaw, refusing to cry. "I came by to make sure you're okay. Are you?"

"I don't know," he says. "I can't tell anymore, maybe I'm already dead."

I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly. He exhales and rests his head against my chest. "No, you are very much alive," I tell him. I move him back and take hold of his hand, placing it on his chest. "Your heart is beating, never let it stop. Everything is going to be okay, believe me."

"I believe you," he whispers, his eyes still trickling a few stray tears. "I'm going to school tomorrow."

I let go of him and smile. "Then I'll see you in the morning," I whisper.

"Wait," he holds onto my hands so I don't leave him, "you don't have to leave. You can stay."

"I know," I say, giving a smile, "but I wasn't supposed to come in the first place. I was supposed to go home a few hours ago."