The hours blur by and time is frozen stuck. I can't feel my own heart beating anymore and I'm barely breathing. I keep turning on my phone, hoping to see something besides the amount of sleep I've lost. Anything good, anything to hold onto. I need a miracle. I need an act of god. I need Amelia back. I need Gerard to be okay.

I've never lost anyone before. I mean, my grandparents passed away but I was way too young to remember them. But I've never had to lose anyone before. And I wish I never have to again. This isn't right. Amelia shouldn't be gone. I don't know what to do or what to feel, just letting this unspeakable sadness creeping inside, this hopelessness settling into my heart.

It's been hours and my brain, heart, body, it still can't process the fact that she's gone. It's not like those movies where everything instantly falls apart and everyone loving surrounds you and vows to never leave your side. That's not how it is. It's cold and agonizing and you don't want anyone to be with you besides the person you lost. You don't want anyone else but to them. You want nothing else but to hold them again and have then safe and back in your arms.

When Jenna said she was gone, it wasn't like the movies. At least, not the ones you expect. It was like the movies when a bomb goes off and force knocking you flying off your feet. When Jenna said she was gone, I was falling in the midst of chaos with the volume on mute and the world spinning around. Amelia's gone. Something exploding and it's knocked me down. I don't know if I can get back up. It's a deafening silence with a ringing drilling into my head telling me she's gone. It's the wind knocked out of me from the force of the explosion and being unable to find my breath. It's the world is spinning around and anyone who was just as close to the bomb is falling back too. I wasn't even as close to the bomb as the others. She was Cody's girlfriend and the others best friend for years. Jenna was with her when it happened, she saw the damage and destruction. I don't think she'll ever be able to unsee any of it. I haven't even known Amelia for a year and I can't explain the terrible agony I feel from her being ripped away. But the others. They've known her longer, they've have more memories, more connections. They grew up with her. They were closer to her. They were closer to the bomb. So when it bomb off, the force was much greater for them. They can't help me get back up when they're lying in the wreckage too.

Jenna's dad and Cody's mom came to the lodge at 8:00 and they took the four of us home along with Caden's friends. When I got to the car, that's when I realized the number of text messages and missed calls from my parents.

-When are you coming home?-

-Frank, answer us-

-You still have school tomorrow, when are you getting home-

-Answer your phone-

-Are you okay? The neighbors came over and told us what happened. Please answer sweetie-

I finally responded to them. -I'm not okay but I'm not hurt if that's what you're asking. I'm on the way home now, sorry, it'll be late-

They dropped off Caden's friends first and then me. We passed Gerard's house and I felt nauseous. The house is dark and there aren't any cars in the driveway. Gerard's car's still at Jenna and Cody's house from when he drove us over to go on the trip. We were all supposed to go back together. We were supposed to go back to Jenna and Cody's house together and Gerard would've gotten back in his car and taken me home. His parent's car was gone too because they had to drive to go see him.

I got inside the house with my bag and my parents were still awake waiting for me to get home. I didn't want to talk to them or have them ask me about anything. I just wanted to be alone. No, that's not true. I didn't want to be alone, I wanted Amelia and Gerard back.

I got up to my room and threw all my stuff down, crawling into bed. I couldn't bother to change my clothes, I just crawled into bed and curled up into a ball. I still couldn't breathe or process any of it but at least I was alone and I didn't have to worry about others seeing me anymore.

After an hour, my phone started buzzing. I wanted to ignore it but it kept going off. Jenna started a group chat with everyone. Brendon, Hayley, Patrick, and Sarah had found out about it. The others were talking and saying if they find out anything, they'll keep us updated here. Gerard's parents have been talking to Cody's mom to keep them updated. Gerard's still in the trauma center going into surgery. His lungs collapsed and had internal bleeding and swelling in his brain. They're doing everything they can but right now, all we can do is wait. I couldn't reply. I tried typing but there's nothing I can say. Gerard was coughing up blood and couldn't breathe. His lung collapsed. Both of them. And internal bleeding, he was coughing up blood. I don't even know what kind of damage happened to his brain. I don't want to think about it, it hurts too much. I can't feel anything and I can't say anything. There are no words that could ever encompass what I feel and what I want to say. Words mean nothing right now.

The hours blur by and time is frozen stuck. I can't feel my own heart beating anymore and I'm barely breathing. I need a miracle. I need an act of god. I need Amelia back. I need Gerard to be okay. I've barely been able to close my eyes but I know my alarm is going to go off soon. I'm going to have to wake up and I'm going to have to go on with the day.

I don't want to go to school but I'm going to have to. If I stay home, I'm going to fall into an even deeper hole. If I stay home, I'm ever going to be able to leave the house again or even get out of bed. I need to go get up and go to school and go through the day just to say on routine. Going through the motions, keep moving forward. Don't get stuck, don't fall more.

The alarm goes off but I just dismiss it, laying in bed and still wearing the clothes from yesterday. I was skiing in these clothes. The snow. I was wearing this and watching TV while it happened. I need to change, I need to get out of this. I get up and grab a pair of jeans and a shirt out of the clean laundry basket. I need to change. I probably should shower but I can't do that. No. I'm never going to get out of the water if I start that. I need to just stop.

I sit back down on my bed, the mattress sinking down around my weight. I need to go to school. I need to stop stopping and I need to go. My phone goes off, snapping my thoughts. It's Brendon, private message. -Hey, do you have a ride to school? I can pick you up if not- Ride. I don't, Gerard would drive me. Gerard...

-Thank you, Brendon, what time are you leaving?-

-I'll be there in 20 mins with Hayley- 20 minutes. I have 20 minutes left to lie back down.

There's a knock on my door and I freeze up. "Frank, sweetie?" my mom calls. She slowly opens the door and looks at me. "Hey, you can go back to sleep. You don't need to-"

"Brendon's coming to get me," I say. "I'm going to school."

My mother pauses, walking over to me and sitting down on the bed. "If you need time, you should take it. This isn't easy and I know you're hurting. But don't force yourself to try to heal faster. You should stay home a day."

"If I stay home a day, I will always want to stay home another day." My mother doesn't say anything, just sitting next to me in silence. The time continues ticking away, minute by minute.

Hayley texts me saying they're on my street. "I need to go," I say, standing up.

"Okay," she says softly. I grab my backpack and lift it on my shoulder. It feels heavier than usual and the weight starts pulling down on my shoulder. "Do you want to get something to eat?"

I shake my head. "I'll just throw up if I try."

The car ride is silent. There's only a simple "hey" and "thank you for picking me up" when I get in the car. But we don't have anything to say. Brendon pulls into the parking lot and we stop.

"I don't want to go in," he sighs, taking the keys out of the ignition. "I don't want to do this."

Hayley takes his hand and squeezes it. "One step at a time," she whispers. She glances at me in the side mirror but she doesn't say anything. "Do you need a minute?" is all she can ask.

I take a deep breath. "The more I think about it, the less I'm ready. Let's just go now."

The air is cold still and there's still snow on the ground. I don't want to look at it. I don't want to feel winter anymore or see snow. I don't want this anymore. I just want Amelia back. I want Gerard to be okay. But I can't bear to think about Gerard. I'm not strong enough to worry about him too or what happened to his body.

The school is eerie. As Mondays go, the school is never lively. Fridays are different but Mondays are usually dead. Today isn't Monday. It's a gap in the week, an empty void. I walk into the school and I can hear my footsteps. There are still people here, there are still people walking about and going through their business. But this is wrong. It's supposed to be louder. It's supposed to be Monday where kids bring in their coffee and complain about being tired and wishing it was still the weekend. The atmosphere is all wrong; it's quiet and still.

I know Amelia's parents notified the school and the school sent out a district-wide notification phone call to everyone's house. I know everyone knows but this is still wrong. This isn't supposed to be happening like this. "I'm gonna be sick," Hayley whispers. The three of us are still standing in the hallway in front of the main doors.

Up ahead, I see Lynn trudging down the stairs. She's not dolled up how she usually is wearing stylish outfits and nice shoes with her hair and makeup done. She's wearing jeans and a pullover hoodie with her hands shoveled into the front pocket. She glances up and sees us, stopping and taking out her earbuds. I don't hesitate. I run over to her and wrap my arms around her tightly.

"Frank," she breathes, softly crying against my shoulder. She holds onto me, gripping me as if she's scared I'll leave her. "Frank, I need you right now, please, I'm gonna be alone in art."

I hold her head, her hair tangling in my fingers. "You're not alone, I'm going with you, it'll be okay."

"Cody and Jenna aren't here," she whispers.

"I know, I know," I say.

"And...Gerard," she says. I tighten up. I can't think about him. I can't. "I can't do this, I don't know what to do."

"Lynn." The two of us pull apart as Brendon and Hayley stand behind us. She hugs both of them tightly. Brendon's eyes are glazed over and watery. Hayley's face is red, her cheeks burning. I hate this. I've never seen them cry and I don't want to. I don't want to see them hurting this much. I don't want them to be sad or in pain. This is wrong.

I tell Lynn I will see her in 2 minutes and run up to study hall to check in. The room is silent and I want to get out of there as fast as I can.

I get down to art before the bell rings. Lynn's sitting in her seat all by herself. She's sitting in her seat with four stools still stacked up on the table surrounding her. The stools are never up. My friends always take them down before I get in the room. They take them down and sit in them.

I go over to her and take down the one next to her, sitting at her side. The room is also quiet. None of the other students are getting up or wandering around the room. They're not taking out their projects or scavenging for supplies. They're not grabbing the extension cords that are dangling from the ceiling and charging their phones. They're not walking around or talking or laughing or putting on their music or doing art. They're sitting in frozen silence. They've all completely shut down with their eyes fixated on the tables with their projects still away.

Ms. Gina stands up at her desk looking at the class. "I'm sure you...all know what's happened by now. Still, all the teachers must read this notice," she says, glancing down at a piece of paper. Ms. Gina takes a breath before reading. "Students, we regret to inform you the loss of one of our students. Amelia McGuiness passed away on Sunday afternoon. The faculty understands this is a very difficult time and if any student needs support, they are permitted to go to the library where the councils are."

The other students in the room are all juniors and seniors. Most of them know who Amelia is but I don't think anyone was really close to her. But they all know Lynn and I are. None of them look at us, they all sit facing forward at their table, staring down. It's too silent. The fan is rumbling in the back but you can't hear anything else.

Lynn stares at the table, her eyes drilling into the wood. I reach over and take hold of her hand, gently. She doesn't move, frozen and in shock. Despite what we tell ourselves and wish, this is real. This is happening.

40 minutes left of class. No one has gotten up or moved. Lynn's starting to cry more and it's breaking my heart. Her head falls against the table with her arm covering her face. "Lynn," I lean down and whisper. She squeezes my hand a bit and holds onto me. I don't know what I can tell her. I can't tell her it's okay because it's not. I can't tell her she's okay because that's a lie and we both know it. I can't promise her Gerard will be okay because I don't even know if he will be. There's nothing I can say that will comfort her because this is not okay. This is wrong and it hurts and it sucks but it's how it is now. It shouldn't be happening but it is. I don't know how to tell her.

The fan in the room stops rumbling and clicks off, the room falling silent. Except for Lynn's heavy breathing. The spacious art studio causes her crying to be louder. She lifts her head up, her face is a mess. Closing her eyes, tears continuously spill down her cheeks and dripping on the table. The other stools are still up on the table. Cody's. Jenna's. Gerard's. They're not here today. And probably not tomorrow either. At least for Cody and Jenna. But Gerard won't be back for a while. He won't be back this week. A sinking feeling hits me. He may not take his stool down. He may not come to art. He may not come back to school. He may not come back at all.

Lynn groans out and lowers her head. She pulls her hand away from me and rests her head on the table. Gritting her teeth, she's trying to be quiet, to not be noticed, not make a scene. Resting her head on her arms, she starts biting her sleeve, trying to muffle her crying. My face starts burning but I hold my breath. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry because if I start right now, I'm not gonna to be able to stop.

No one else in the room looks at her. They sit facing forward with their eyes fixated on the empty tables. A few students are crying, guys and girls. No one speaks. No one moves. They all sit frozen and let it sink in. Amelia McGuiness passed away.

Lynn abruptly jolts up and the screeching of her stool scraping again the cement floor breaks the silence. Several people jump, a few look up at her. She stands in front of the table hyperventilating. "Lynn," I say softly. She doesn't look at me. She just runs past me and out of the room.

I slowly stand up and Ms. Gina looks at me. She gestures with her eyes to the door. I nod before I start jogging out of the room.

Down the hallway, Lynn runs into the girl's bathroom. I'm...it's fine. Quick paced, I go down and slowly open the door. "Lynn?" I call out softly. The room echoes her crying and whimpering. I take two steps in and see her leaning against the sink hand, gripping the sides of it with both hands. I walk up to her and place a hand on her shoulder. "Lynn," I say again.

"I can't do this," she mutters, lowering her head, strands of hair falling forward. "I can't, I don't know...I don't know what's happening anymore." She glances up in the mirror, glaring at her reflection. "I hate myself."

"You didn't do anything wrong," I tell her.

"I didn't do anything right either." She closes her mouth and tries slowing down her breathing. "I'm gonna be sick." She turns away from the faucet and keels over the garbage can. I quickly reach over and grab her hair gently, pulling it back and out of her face. I turn away as she starts throwing up. I bite on my lip and force myself to stay calm. I feel her shaking, her groaning echoing in the bathroom. She lifts herself up when she finishes and I let go of her hair. She walks by the sink again and starts rinsing out her mouth, still crying. The water stops running but she still faces forward and doesn't look at me. "Frank," her voice is hoarse, "you're in the girl's bathroom."

"I know," I say.

"You're going to get in trouble," she says.

I shrug. "Only if they check. And I doubt it'll be anymore more than a warning."

"Go back to class."

"No."

"Frank, please...go."

"I'm not leaving you alone. You asked me to stay with you-"

"And now I'm asking you to leave." I shift my stances and walk over to the wall, sitting down on the floor. Lynn turns and glares at me, rubbing her eyes. "Frank, what are you doing?"

"Sitting," I say.

"I don't want you in trouble."

"And I don't want you to think you're alone. Because you're not. I'm here and I'm not leaving you." She looks at me wide-eyed but doesn't move. "Now come here and sit down next." She reluctantly walks over to me and kneels down. I wrap my arms around her and she rests her head on my shoulder.

"I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to do anything," I tell her.

The two of us sit in silence for the remainder of the period. Fortunately, nobody else comes in the bathroom. Granted, it's the bathroom off to the side of the school by the art classes so I figured no one would. The two of us just sit together. Lynn doesn't cry anymore and I feel calmer. We just sit in the silence and comfort each other with our presence.

The bell rings and we both stand up without saying a word. Lynn checks the hallway and then gestures for me to come out. We walk to art and grab our bags. A moment of dread hits me again as we go to guitar down the corridor.

Half the kids aren't in guitar. The ones that show up are our friends. Ms. Hayes doesn't make us take out our guitars but she says we will be working tomorrow. We'll have to get back up to the real routine eventually.

The group of us just sit in the back of the room on our phones. We don't talk to one another. There's nothing to say. The period goes by ever so slow but it can't go slow enough. I don't want to go to third period. I don't want to go to history.

The bell rings and I don't get up. The others start grabbing their bags and regrouping. Patrick glances at me and walks over. "Hey," he says gently. "I know that, um, the others...and Brendon drove you here. I could take you home if you need."