I'm about to tell y'all something that you aren't going to believe, kids. Over at my other fic account (on Ao3), I actually got my first hate comment! Someone told me that my Hisoillu fiction is OOC.

Have you ever?! Admittedly, I'd been waiting for something exciting to happen all week, but I wasn't expecting that.

Thinking it over, however, I decided to overcome my chagrin and use this criticism to see if I could deepen my knowledge of the Hisoillu ship. Perhaps I have gotten a bit bullshitty lately, phoning it in and all. You know how it goes.

So I called up Hisoka (who, happily, has recovered from his sinus infection) and asked him to put Illumi on three-way.

They obliged, and I said to them:

"So, tell me a little bit more about yourselves, because I'm really trying to work on my canon compliancy."

They both began speaking at once, told each other to shut up ("I'm talking." "No, I am talking.") and promptly got into a diss war. I could not believe my ears. These boys!

I transcribed it, of course. Read it for yourselves:

You look like someone who'd wear a band t-shirt and not be able to name one song of theirs.

You look like someone who has never heard of Mitski.

You look like someone who secretly listens to cheesy '90s country, the kind all about cheating, and praise the lord God, and the USA.

You look like someone who pretends to like jazz.

You look like someone who does weird things with your electric toothbrush.

You look like someone who hasn't been to the dentist in 15 years.

Wait. Why?

You never smile. What are you hiding?

You look like someone who enjoys getting a prostate exam.

You look like someone who still calls his parents "Mommy" and "Daddy." Not in public. But whenever you think the coast is clear.

You look like your mother was a disreputable woman.

You look like someone who has never farted in public.

You look like someone who does, then blames it on someone else.

You look like someone who does intermittent fasting and actually takes it seriously and sets an alarm to make sure you hit 18 hours exactly to the minute.

You look like someone who eats nothing but frozen chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese when left to your own devices.

You look like someone who is particular about what brand of ranch dressing he uses.

You look like someone who rates the ranch dressing at various fast-food restaurants.

You look like someone who is all prissy about his underpants and needs them to not have any tags or seams.

You look like someone who doesn't wear underpants. Ew, that's so nasty.

You look like someone who refuses to drink beer.

You look like someone who has those stupid little charms to put on wineglasses so nobody's drink gets mixed up. Yours have sparkly rhinestones and little messages like Live! Love! Laugh! Dance!

You look like someone who pretends he's into Squid Game and knows all the references, but is actually too much of a pussy to watch it and turns on some dumb show on Animal Planet instead.

You look like someone who watches Say Yes to the Dress. On marathon. And you clap your hands and say, "Oooh, jack her up, Monty!" at the end of each episode.

You look like someone who takes Zumba classes and is really into them. Like, you never miss a Friday night.

You look like someone who makes loud, obnoxious grunting noises when lifting weights at the gym and leaves sweat smears on the bench.

You look like you've never spanked it in your life.

You look like you take pictures of your dick, positioning it next to common household objects for size reference.

You look like you've never been on top.

You look like it only takes you three minutes to come. Every time.

(Pause) We both know both of these things are not true.

Speak for yourself.

You look like...oh, for crying out loud, this is getting boring.

Okay, you look like someone who loves me.

You look like someone who loves me back

Ugh, don't hug me.

You look like someone who hates PDA.

You look like someone who knows me all too well.