《》Cinco De Mayo

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For my non-American friends, we have this little old holiday in the States on the fifth of May called Cinco De Mayo. It's of particular significance to our Mexican-American population, but pretty much comes in a close second to St. Patrick's Day in terms of a good excuse to get unapologetically lit. Even those without a drop of Latinx blood like to celebrate.

Including.....ALL YOUR FAVORITE BOYS!

Verdad? Por que no!

*Also, almost forgot! May 5 is Gon's birthday! Whee

-"They're going to tell us we can't go party with them, again," grumbles Gon

-"Sure we can," says Killua. "We'll just say we're going for the food"

-He picks up his phone and punches in a number. "Illumi," he says. "Can we come to El Queso Grande with you guys tonight? Just for the tacos and the music. Please?"

-He hangs up. "He says yes, but if we order any margaritas they have to be virgin and he's going to check them personally"

-"Sure" (wink)

-"Sure" (wink, wink)

-Isn't much for holidays that center around alcohol, particularly tequila

-"Oh don't be such a poop," says Leorio. "Throw that tabard on, it'll look good with a sombrero"

-Kurapika goes to his laptop and does a little research. "Did you know that Cinco de Mayo celebrates the date of the Mexican army's May 5, 1862 victory over France at the Battle of Puebla during the Franco-Mexican War?"

-"Well fuck," says Leorio. "I guess I know it now"

-When they get to the restaurant, he promptly orders a few pitchers of margaritas for the table and a bunch of combination plates to nibble on. "The hot salsa, primo, none of that pussy shit," he tells the server

-"Here's our chance!" whispers Gon to Killua. They surreptitiously stick straws into the pitchers and suck when Illumi isn't looking

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-Leorio waves the server over. "A Dos Equis for my non-tequila-drinking friend over here," he says grandly. "Por favor. Muchos gracias."

-"Thanks," says Kurapika. "I have an early day tomorrow. Can I get some ceviche, too, please?"

-The mariachi band starts playing and a few people begin to dance. Leorio is out there like a shot, doing some sort of Despacito-style groove

-Little rich Illumi tells the server he wants to buy a whole bottle of tequila, the really good silver Patreon or whatever it's called kind

-It's presented to him with a flourish and a couple of salt-rimmed shot glasses

-Illumi downs a shot, then snickers. "Look," he says to Hisoka. "There's a worm in the bottom of it. I'll give you a hundred million jenny if you eat it"

-Hisoka does a shot and snickers back. "Darling. I'll give you a hundred million jenny to eat my worm instead, baby. Chupar mi gusano, papi"

-Illumi glances down the table. "Killua," he says, warningly. "What are the two of you drinking?"

-"It's just Cokes, Ill," says Killua. "Can we go hit the pinata now?"

-Hisoka leers. "Yeah. I want to see that. Oh," he says, in surprise. "Speaking of fucking shit up and breaking it to pieces. Where is Chrollo?"

-They FaceTime him to find out why he's not there

-He answers the FaceTime and is calmly sitting in a chair reading something

-"Oh, you all are so uncultured and juvenile. In honor of the occasion, I thought I'd stay home and read a little Cervantes," he says, flashing his book at the screen. It's Don Quixote

-"Miguel Cervantes isn't even Mexican, you dipshit," howls Leorio, pouring a shot from Illumi's tequila bottle

-"Reading a book about riding around on a jackass and sticking swords into imaginary things is right along the lines of my expectations for you, Danchou," coos Hisoka

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-Feitan shows up on his own and by the time he gets there, everyone is pretty much useless

-He examines Illumi's tequila bottle, which is empty by now, except for the worm

-Curious, he shakes it out, then puts it in his mouth and eats it. It's gross. He takes a lime wedge and squirts it promptly down his throat as a chaser

-Looking over, he sees a tipsy Gon and Killua watching him, hands over their mouths, trying to hold back drunken giggles

-"You too cocky," he says, sternly

-Arrives even later than Feitan

-Sits down and mows all the leftover food, including Kurapika's barely touched ceviche

-He notices Gon and Killua passed out and snoring under the pinata

-"Hey, Zoldyck," he addresses Illumi. "Give me a hundred million jenny and I'll drive these little hooligans home for you"

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