Ah, been indulging in reading fanfic again this week. As I do, I tend to find myself critically analyzing this fine literature...

As you may remember, I had some good fun with repetitive Illumi fanfic themes a little while ago (reference: https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/268588859/write/1077074397).

THIS week, we will concentrate on Chrollo and the various themes that seem to constantly pop up for Danchou in Reader x Chrollo fic.

He's got less obvious ones than Illumi, alas, but there are a few that do keep rearing their (tattooed) heads.

-You (for God only knows what reason) are the Zoldyck sibling that nobody ever heard of, and you get sent to the Phantom Troupe for reasons which are kind of vague and not very rational

-Bonus points: Illumi makes many guest appearances as your annoying older brother

-Either that or you are some crazy-ass freak with insane Nen ability who gets captured by the Troupe against your will. (Must include a scene in which you regain your consciousness, furious, in a room surrounded by Troupe members gleefully rubbing their hands together at the thought of torturing you)

-As you fight against your captors, Chrollo ambles in and pats everything down, sorry kids, no torturing today. Unclear why he decides to let you off the hook, but phew!

-Chrollo is consistently rapey as fuck and makes a disgusting move on you basically the second he meets you, but you like it because he is the LORD MASTER OF DEATH and that gets you hot for some reason

-Whatever your Nen ability is (or perhaps it's your Zoldyck last name), it is something that the Lord Master of Death has somehow never come across in his entire career and gives him a massive and constant hard-on

-The two of you grimly jostle for superiority over each other in terms of who is more DEADLY. Much sexual tension arises from this

-Unlike Illumi, who breeds like a rabbit (and I believe sired eight children in one fanfic?), nobody wants to have babies with Chrollo

-Also unlike Illumi, who hands out engagement rings like M&Ms, nobody wants to marry Chrollo. They all just want to fuck him free and clear. How did he get off so easy?

-The girls in the Phantom Troupe are the coolest squad ever and take you under their wing

-The boys in the Phantom Troupe are a bunch of awkward/Neanderthal dorks, except for (occasionally) Feitan and Kalluto

-Nobody ever mentions Kortopi or Bololenov

-Kurapika gets mentioned, but he never actually appears and he does not advance the plot whatsoever

-Hisoka always swoops in, unnamed but unmistakable, to try and lure you away from the Lord Master of Death with lots of slick talk. You inevitably reject him but can't deny you are tempted even though you find him slimy as hell

-Chrollo abruptly shifts into very bad and inaccurate religious stints; bonus points if they have anything to do with Catholicism

-Chrollo likes to read and is always reading books at stupid times in which nobody normal would be reading a book

As I did with Mr. Illumi Z., I decided to have fun with these...and so I present to you....

Your company's human resources department has been holding a series of Diversity in the Workplace seminars which make up mandatory Wednesday lunch hours. This Wednesday is all sexual harassment-oriented. Bored, you pick at a plateful of salad while the HR rep drones on about the #metoo movement.

Glancing over, you see the new cute guy from Finance listening intently, nodding, and taking notes. "I worked in a completely toxic culture for years," he says, catching your eye. "I just greatly appreciate how woke this company is. Um...if i ask you to dinner...will you report me to HR?"

At dinner, you notice a spider is crawling on the floor near your table. "No wonder the health department gave this place a B," you say, lifting your foot to smush it.

He is up out of his chair in a flash. "Don't!" he cries out. "It deserves to live!" Carefully picking the insect up in his napkin, he takes it outside, then returns to the table.

"So, I'm sorry, I asked you out to dinner, and I didn't even ask you your full name," he says, taking a bite of his vegan lasagna. "What is your last name again?"

"Zoldyck."

"Oh, are you related to Illumi and Kalluto?"

You give him a funny look. "Who? My brothers' names are Dave and Kevin."

At work, your new friend is having some problems running an Excel program.

"Dammit, I thought I was an expert at this program. What the hell am I doing wrong?"

You show him some shortcuts. "Wow," he says. "Very clear now."

"I am the MASTER of Excel," you brag. "Nobody crunches a column of numbers like me."

"And here I thought I was the MASTER of Excel. You surprise me with your abilities."

You gaze into each other's eyes. The moment grows hot.

You attend a party at your new boyfriend's place. He has all his friends there and it's the first time you're meeting them.

The girls are kind of catty bitches. "I hear you're really good at Excel?" says the one with pink hair, in a snotty voice.

"Where did you go to college?" sneers the blond one.

The one with the big rack and eyeglasses snickers. You want to slap those Marian the Librarian eyeglasses off her smug face.

"Okay, okay," says your boyfriend, in a solicitous voice. "Let's all stop teasing her. She barely knows you."

Infuriated, you look around at the rest of the guests. Fuck! Forget about the bitchy girls. All the guys here are smoking hot.

Especially that one with all the gauges and the Ace bandages. The one with all the hair is a fucking babe as well. Your boyfriend did tell you he belonged to one of the better frats on campus back in his college days.

You've been dating your boyfriend for a while now but aren't sure how serious you want to get with him.

He takes you to dinner at the new vegan restaurant and after ordering falafel and baba ghanoush, abruptly gets down on one knee. To your stunned surprise, he offers you a ring box with a beautiful diamond solitaire.

"Let's get married right away," he begs. "I can't wait to start having kids. I want at least eight children."

"Eight?"

"Yes, my friend Illumi has 11. I'm so jealous."

"Okay...uh...well, let's get married first and then think about this. I will tell you, I never really wanted to get married or have children, but you are just about the only one who could change my mind, babe."

"I know what I want to name our first child...." he says, dreamily.

"What?"

"Kurapika."

You wait, but he doesn't elaborate.

He never mentions the name again.

You are at another boring Diversity in the Workplace Wednesday, sneaking a little chicken into your salad today since your fiancé isn't feeling well and is working from home.

A redheaded guy sits down next to you and leers at you disconcertingly. "Hi baby," he says. "Nice engagement ring. Wanna go have a quickie in the parking garage while everyone's busy with this dumb ass woke seminar?"

You are appalled, but cannot deny you find him attractive.

"We need to start planning this wedding, okay?"

"Where do we start?"

"Well...we should probably figure out where to have it, first. Get an officiant and all that. You want to do it at my church?"

Your fiancé gives an exasperated sigh. "Can't we just get married at the courthouse? I was raised Catholic and I gave all that bullshit up years ago."

It's your wedding night and you are dressed in the most breathtakingly porno piece of lingerie you own. Grabbing a bottle of lube, you sensually pour it all over your new husband and yourself, enticingly rubbing it into your crotch as he stares at your luscious curves.

"Let's consummate this marriage, shall we? MASTER of EXCEL?"

He blinks a few times, then picks up a book sitting on the nightstand. "I kind of wanted to finish this chapter first, okay? I've only got, like, 24 pages to go."