Riffing off my "real unexpurgated story" series, here are a few plot items in general that just really need to go in HxH fanfic.

I mean, seriously, people. It's 2021, it's time we shed these things and move on to something new:

-Any plot that involves Illumi and an arranged marriage. Does he really seem to be someone who needs his parents to find a wife for him? I mean come on

-Illumi having a penchant for nature shows on TV (seriously--I have read SEVERAL fanfics that mention this and I have wracked my brain trying to remember if I missed something canon. Is he canonically into nature shows? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHEN DID HE START WATCHING ANIMAL PLANET? SERIOUSLY THIS HAS BEEN DRIVING ME BANANAS LIKE THE MANDELA EFFECT OR SOMETHING)

-Grandpa Zeno being a cool dude. He's Silva Zoldyck's dad, for Chrissake. You really think this guy is nice?

-Kikyo being a bitch. C'mon, she's not that bad, give her a break. Look at her kids. They all suck. My mother would be climbing the walls and on a bottle of Xanax a day

-Gon and Killua bouncing in the scene like puppies right as Reader is enjoying a description of Illumi coming at you with an implied boner

-Oh yeah. Speaking of that. Illumi's dick. Please no more comments about how big it is even when he isn't hard. We don't need to imagine it soft, give the dude a rest

-Descriptions of Illumi's hair as "raven" or "ravenette." What the fuck is "ravenette?"

-And why is he the only one who gets to be "raven?" Sheesh. There are several hot black-haired guys in this series (yes I am including Mr. Wing in this)

-Any story in which Gon, Killua, Alluka, or Kalluto talk like they are in kindergarten. These kids range in age from 10-12, which is like 5th through 7th grade

-Most descriptions of the Phantom Troupe in general, particularly the female members. No, Machi would not go shopping at Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works with you. Please just stop

-Mentions of contraception. I'm about to fuck Chrollo and you have to put in that he's reaching for a condom? It's an imaginary fuck, please. I may add that fanfic Chrollo seems to have this penchant for fucking readers within two paragraphs of getting to know them, so it's charming he's so thoughtful about safe sex

-I'm going to get shouted down for this, but I don't enjoy seeing pictures of the outfit I'm supposedly wearing in the scenario. Just let me bonk whoever in peace and not think "I hate this dress." Such a buzz kill

-Long descriptions of what you order at a restaurant and what Illumi (or sometimes Chrollo, but it's usually Illumi, I guess because he's rich) orders at a restaurant, including a rundown of dessert choices. I'm horny and want to get to the good part, I don't care what flavor ice cream he likes

-The suggestion that Chrollo is actually very good with children and that one would leave their child with him as a babysitter. Nobody is going to leave their child with Chrollo. (Amazingly, I have read this scenario in at least five separate fics)

-Speaking of kids. ANY MENTION OF HISOKA AS A FATHER. Ugghhhhhhh no! It's bad enough having him MARRIED in some of these fanfics! HISOKA AND BABIES NO NO NO JUST NO

-Again along those lines. Suggestions that although for 200 chapters he's been described as a cold-hearted assassin without a grain of human emotion, Illumi is a loving kind father who is wonderful with babies. The hell he is. He'd be a horrible father. Make it stop

-Someone needs to create a "Bungee Gum Thesaurus" which consists solely of new and different ways to incorporate "bungee gum" into a fanfic. It has gotten to the point where if I even see the words "bungee gum" my day is ruined

-Hisoka being hearts-and-flowers romantic is horrible. Oh God, I hate it. Oh please stop. Oh this just ruins everything I tell you (BTW I lied when I said I don't go near Hisoka fanfic. I freaking love it. I admit it. I LOVE HISOKA FANFIC, THE MORE DREADFUL THE BETTER, AND BINGE ON IT)

-I have been trying to read erotic Kurapika fic lately and I just don't know what to say about it at all, so I'll tackle that in a separate chapter...

(BTW I AM LYING WHEN I SAY I HATE ALL THESE THINGS. I ADMIT IT. I LOVE HUNTER X HUNTER FANFIC, THE MORE DREADFUL THE BETTER. THE MOST RAVENETTE EVER....shivers in glee...I ADMIT IT I FREAKING LOVE IT!)

SORRY! I KNOW I AM A HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE PERSON! Feel free to tell me what I do wrong in my own fanfic, I eagerly accept criticism! xoxoxo

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