There were many times I had tried to rationalize every decision I made that put me where I was, and if I chose another path, I might have saved more lives or might end up dead. But life did not play by someone's rules. It made its own list time and time again, and there was nothing I could do to change it, no matter how powerful someone was. Everyone was equal in its eye.

I tried to replay the events on the cliff many times, all concluding that I wouldn't be able to save the people in the water. They would swamp the boat, sink it, and let loose dozens of vectors on the deck. I would be dead. My friends would be dead. Everyone on the boat would be dead.

I heard my mother's voice at the back of my head: Let it go, she would say, the past is the past, darling. Don't forget to look ahead.

It was tempting to look back. The temptation so high that everything around you turned dull and gray, and you couldn't help but cry until your eyes ached. As of right now, the point of these diaries was a big ol' fucking telescope to the horrors I endured, the friends I lost along the way, and the pain...so much pain that it made my bones brittle and my heart numb that all I could do when I woke up at night was scream. And then to find out I had no voice, and no matter how hard I screamed and yelled, I wouldn't find it. No matter how hard I dulled the pain through drugs and sex, I wouldn't feel it.

But I knew it was the only thing that could fill the holes in my memory, and once they were all smooth and paved, I could look forward again, and sometimes, it would fill me with so much hope. Warm, tingling feeling that I held onto like a raft in a raging river.

I had to.

For my sake.

——

There was a knock on my cabin door. I told them it was open, and Aria's head peeked in, telling me that lunch was ready. Miguel had made soup instead of the pasta, seeing as how the weather had turned cold. I hollered back that I would be right there.

I appreciated how everyone gave me a little space to think and ponder whatever was going in my head that made me nauseous. Felipe was kind enough to brew everyone some tea, so I drank a full cup of that, which loosened my mind. Everyone was already sequestering themselves to the quieter parts of the boat, trying to forget what happened at the bridge.

I must have stayed in the cabin for a lot longer because Logan came into my cabin, carrying a bowl of chicken soup when I didn't come out as I told Aria. I thanked him and devoured the soup, surprised that of all the things that went down in a couple of hours, I had the energy to be hungry.

Suddenly, something seized in me. I was staring at a motivational poster across the room of a hiking woman overlooking a trail on a hill, the sun behind her as she struck a power pose, and a large-printed quote below her that read: MAKE EVERYDAY COUNT.

Everything cleared, and I groaned out loud, thinking how pathetic I am that I'm hiding away from the problems out there, waiting for us to make a mistake. Being inert was a mistake, and I couldn't be like this forever.

"That's it," I said to myself, "quit sulking, Bren, for fuck sake. You're better than this."

I rose from the bunk bed and peeked out of the portholes. It was still sunny outside, with the high noon in full swing. We should be getting closer to West Point.

I put on my Oxford shoes, which were already scuffed and worn-down since the outbreak started. My parents only bought it last year, worn it three times, and now I needed a new pair. I put it in the long list of stuff I had to do in the back of my mind. I grabbed my shotgun, slung it around my shoulders, and marched out of my cabin.

Margot cleared Alfie and the Katingers of bites; she used the guest cabin by the bow as her triage room. Steven Katinger's granddaughter, Tessa, in her early twenties, had hypothermia. They were in the water for so long that all the Katingers had it, but not as bad as Tessa. Margot had asked her to strip, and she even gave Tessa her spare clothes since they were of similar build. At least there was some good news that she was going to be okay.

Mostly everyone was on the main deck, sitting in their own little corners, keeping the silence in the boat hanging in the air. When they saw me emerged onto the pilothouse, something switched in the room. Suddenly, I caught their heads in attention, backs straightened, as if they were holding their breath, waiting for what I was going to say. I hadn't thought of getting this far, my mind still numb from sulking beneath the hull. They were waiting for orders.

No. They were waiting for comfort, and it seemed they had collectively chosen me to be their guide out of this mess. After all, I got them out of New York. Now, they were waiting for me how far I was going to take them.

I held my head high and tried to calm my nerves. I didn't want to show them that I was scared. "I am going to look around from the sky deck," I said.

That was enough, it seemed. I saw Yousef let out a sigh, nodding, a wash of relief crossed his face. Most of them did. Finally, someone was once again in control, and I could see them think, not knowing that I was a little frightened. They had forgotten I was just a kid, and if they did, chose to ignore it. I caught Luke staring at me with concern, but I shook my head and walked out of the saloon, heading to the skyjack. Logan was on the helm.

"We're almost there," Logan said. Splayed on a table by the settee was a map of lower New York, weighed down open by an empty mug and a bowl. "We'll be there in fifteen minutes. Maybe half."

"That's good," I said. "You see anything?"

"We passed another fallen bridge. Highway 202. Lots of dead. So far, that's the last bridge we'll pass until West Point."

"Vectors?"

Logan shook his head. "Army."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. "Did they see us?"

"No. I mean, the army bombed the people on the bridge. There were no soldiers up there when we passed, so we're safe. No worries."

I looked around us. We were the only boat in the river. Most of the boats that were idle around Cuomo bridge had gone down toward the ocean, braving whatever horrors they'd face from the destroyed city. I tried telling them to follow us upriver, but they wouldn't listen. They didn't believe me that the government might have nuked New York City, and radiation must be spilling by the thousands up in the air, and when they pressed me if I was sure they were nukes, then the entire discussion fell apart.

I tried reasoning with them that the same government that blew up Cuomo bridge was the same government that would have the guts to blow up an entire fucking city filled with people. I had no idea if the government released nuclear weapons (at that time), and I did not know that they were only MOABs, but the blast and the mushroom cloud that followed made me think it was.

But it was too late. I could see that fear had taken hold in everyone, and if there was one thing I knew about fear, people were very desperate at reining back their control.

"Those were a lot of vectors back there," I said, cutting the silence.

Logan looked up at me. "Yeah. They're only thirty miles away from the town we're heading. If they continue north, they'll be on top of us in a day or two."

"Which means we have to move fast."

"Agree. We're running out of bullets, by the way."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"Well, on my cheat day, I would eat six boxes of chicken nuggets in twelve minutes while I binge-watch The Office," Logan said nonchalantly.

I stared at him, wide-eyed. "What?"

"You said to tell you something you don't know. I love chicken nuggets."

I started laughing. For some reason, that did it for me. Suddenly, I felt relieved, in a way that a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, and the oppressive walls back in the cabin slowly faded away. The sun was out, the weather was beautiful, and Logan Hardy cracked a joke.

Logan grinned, pleased with himself. Then, he darted his gaze to something just to my left, and his jaw dropped. "I'll be damned! Is that...is that...?"

I turned around.

Hunched over by the riverbank was a massive creature, sporting a hide of yellow, snow, and orange striped of ink-black, lapping at the water for a drink. Massive claws dug deep into the soft earth. Golden eyes seemed fixed on the shallows' surface, never minding the boat slowly passing in front of it.

I gasped, running to the gunwale for a better look.

"That's a fucking tiger," I said, shocked.

"What's it doing out here?" Logan asked.

"There must be a zoo nearby," I answered. 'It escaped...or probably let go by the zookeepers."

"Holy shit!" I heard Miguel exclaimed from below deck, followed by the fascinated murmurs of the others. It felt like we were on some safari ride, and we finally got up close to one of nature's ferocious beasts.

"It seems like it's alone," Logan said.

"It's a Bengal tiger. They're solitary animals, but they sometimes travel in twos or threes if they're part of a family; A mother and a couple of cubs. Since it has a shorter tail and a smaller frame, I reckon this must be a female. If it's out here close to a large water source, then the cubs must be nearby. As long as we avoid going out at dusk or dawn, we won't find trouble from it. It usually hunts at night. Usually is the keyword."

"Too bad you are not going to study biology anymore in Columbia," said Logan. He mimed an explosion with his hands.

"Too soon," I said.

"Sorry."

"And besides, you won't play football for them now. Your full-ride scholarship is gone."

"Fuck scholarship. I want to get out of here alive. Plus, I was hoping to play for UCLA anyway."

"You got a scholarship there?"

"No. But if I survive, then I have one hell of an admission essay."

I smiled. "Yeah. We both do."

The boat's wake disturbed the tiger's reflection on the water, and suddenly, her golden eyes shot up, landing on us. She froze, water dripping off from its mouth and whiskers, masking an expression as if saying: I see you, human.

When the wake reached the river bank and grazed her paws, the tiger backed away, slowly sinking into the canopy's shadows, and bounced off behind a tree. She was gone.

"Do tigers hunt humans?" Logan asked.

"We're bags of meat. Every carnivore has the potential to eat us. Tigers are no different."

"That's not what I was asking."

"Okay, to put your mind at ease, no, but not quite. We are not its preferred food source, and big cats are notoriously wary of humans unless they're starving. Millennia of revenge hunting will ingrain that into their biology if they try to cross us. But we are easy prey for them."

"That...does not make me feel comfortable."

"Yeah. Keep an eye out. This tiger is too close to the town proper we're going. If it is out here in the area, other animals must be, too."

"Other predators, you mean?"

"That, too. Hopefully, not more worrying than that one."

I felt nauseated. It seemed like the vectors weren't the only thing I had to worry about. I had to watch my back for the worst and beautiful beats of the animal kingdom.

Though I might not have known it at the time, it wasn't a typical zoo that let their animals loose, but a vast wildlife sanctuary for big cats and other dangerous predators. Aside from the tiger we saw, four others were roaming around the area. There was also a pride of five African lions, a pack of eight spotted hyenas, two large cougars, and six bobcats (according to their website). All of them out in the wild. All of them hungry.

The hyenas were heading for West Point.