Elle McBriar

August 6th, 5 months and 27 days since the last zombie attack

After we had a snack and relaxed a little, Gage got the great idea to brainstorm ideas for if we were restore power and build our dream house/backyard.

He made us all sit at the kitchen table and draw things we want.

Even Riley got paper, but he just scribbled.

I drew a hot tub and a pool for the backyard. A pretty garden with flowers and trees as well as crops like lettuce and tomato. For the inside, I drew a fireplace. A kitchen with a window overlooking the view as well a shower with a slide.

Alex called my ideas 'creative and inevitable' I frowned, "My ideas are very doable, actually." I smile, "Not as doable as mine."

I crossed out his idea of a house with a special room dedicated to himself.

We realised we needed to move soon. Find an efficient house that is stable with enough rooms for all of us. Even though right now Paxton and I are staying together, doesn't mean we will in the future.

I'm still confused about that whole situation.

Shrugging off my mental notes, I focus on my drawings. Folding it and slipping it into my pocket.

I voted against the room dedicated too just weapons and bombs. Don't get me wrong, it's a good idea. But what if we're under attack and don't have time to grab them?

"I'm going on a walk." I suddenly announce, standing up, "I need to clear my mind." I shrug, "Not without one of us." I want to protest but I know they're right. I'm still afraid to walk around the house at night. Scared that someone will be lurking in the shadows.

I slip on my shoes, shoving my hands into my pockets as I start off down the street. I don't know who's behind me but I don't really care. I hear their footsteps catch up with me and slow down.

I see Paxton fall into step with me and he smiles down at me, I smile back.

I wanted to go on a walk because I'm confused about my feelings. I know I like him, it's obvious. But I don't know how he feels towards me. I've never been one for relationships before. I know nothing!

He's older than me and is definitely more experienced. I guess I'm just nervous he thinks I'm immature or something.

We don't say anything as I turn a corner, feeling a slight breeze hit my face as the hot summer sun scorches my neck.

"You're awfully quiet for someone who talks a lot." Paxton smirks, I laugh, "I'm just thinking." I shrug, "About?"

I think for a second, "Nothing you can help me with!" Lie!

He's the key to everything. But I can't just ask him, how do you feel about me? Because he'd probably think I'm insecure and like, attached to him?

Am I overthinking? Being paranoid? I don't know. I'm confused.

A frown makes its way across my face as I have an argument in my head. My angel and devil side are competing against each other. I literally can't win.

I know all the pros and cons, but then there's those little thoughts that push themselves between like...

Does he actually like you?

Does he want to have sex?

Does he think you're pretty?

So many questions that are unanswered. It drives me insane!

The roads are deserted as I keep my steady pace, walking quietly next to Paxton who is arguably as quiet as I am.

"Okay you're worrying me now." Paxton stops and so do I, feeling him a few feet behind me. I freeze.

"What's going on?" I ask him, "I don't know Elle you tell me?" He says with a frown on his face, "What do you want me to say Pax?" I ask.

He rubs his hands together, "I- forget it, Elle. I don't know what I'm saying." He says. But he looks like he has something on his mind, "No." I rush out.

Paxton turns around, "What?"

"You wanted to say something, so say it." I frown, hands on my hips. He ponders for a second, thinking of the words.

"I just- I'm confused. That's all." He shrugs. I know how you feel. "What are you confused about?" He gives me an unreadable look, "You know what, Elle." Is he confused about us too? "No. I don't. What are you trying to tell me?"

Paxton sighs, gripping at his hair, "Are we seriously not going to talk about it? About us? What we are? If we're even anything?" He says, an annoyed tone in his voice as his eyes pierce into mine.

"Why are you getting mad at me Paxton? I haven't done anything." I say, matching his anger.

"I'm not getting mad. You're just- you're not helping. I can't tell whether you're only with me because you're scared and can't sleep or you genuinely feel something for me because I- I can't do this anymore. It's messing with my mind Elle."

His eyebrows a furrowed, casting worry lines on his forehead as he stands in front of me. If I reached out to him right now I'd be touching him.

"So tell me. Do you actually... feel something for me? Or are you just scared of the dark and using me."

I was a bit hurt by his words. He knows about my nightmares and that I'm afraid of sleeping alone.

And for him to blatantly accuse me of using him?

I refrained from rolling my eyes, although I am pissed that he said those things.

"Well how do you feel about me?" Is the first thing I say, "Don't twist this on me I asked you first!" He said, this time I did roll my eyes, "Real mature of you, Paxton." I mumbled, "It'd a genuine question. How do you feel about me?"

He ran his hands over his face, "Does it matter?" He said. I scoffed, does it matter? yes it fucking matters, "You know what- forget I asked."

I began to walk off when I felt him grab my arm and pull me backwards, my feet scraping against the concrete as he turned me to face him.

"Don't run away from me Elle. Whenever things are scary, you run! I'm not letting you run, Elle." I pull my arm out of his grip, "How dare you?"

Offended.

"I don't run. I'm not childish. You, on the other hand. You go days without talking to me, giving me the silent treatment because of the way you feel? You say I run but in reality you're running away from the root of the problem-."

"Yeah, you Elle! You're the root of my problem."

I take a step back. I'm his problem. "Is that how you feel? Like I'm the thing wrong in your life?" I say to him, anger bubbling in my system.

"I didn't mean it like that." He sighed, "Then how'd you mean it? Because it sounded like you said I was the cause of your discomfort. The fucking scum of the Earth." I'm angry now. How dare he say that?

"I have done nothing but take care of you guys. I cook, I clean, I look after Riley. I literally saved your lives more times thank humanly possible."

Paxton wasn't speaking now. He looks annoyed and I'm not sure if he was listening to anything I was saying.

"Whatever Paxton. I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want." I sighed, blinking away the pathetic tears that we're trying to leak.

He looked like he wanted to say something, but I didn't give him the chance because I walked away.

Like Paxton said, I walked away.

* * *

hii

this chapter made me sad