Chapter 17: Strong and Sure

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The small room Lady Lyall lead me to was warm and welcoming. The stone walls were covered in dark red tapestries depicting men fighting alongside huge wolves. Everywhere I looked now, I was reminded of the creatures that surrounded me.

She guided me to a comfy chair that had a tartan blanket thrown over the back. Sitting slowly, I smoothed out my dress, my hands folded neatly on my lap.

"This is my own private room. Alsander filled it with all my favourite books, he gifts me a new one every year for my birthday," she told me as she lit the fire.

I smiled even though her back was to me. There was indeed a whole wall dedicated to books. Some looked so old that they might fall apart if touched. I breathed in the smell of leather and old scrolls, finding it comforting. Lady Lyall pottered about a bit more before pouring two glasses of a dark red wine.

"Thank you," I said, taking the one she offered. It tasted stronger than anything I'd ever drank before and I wasn't quite sure if I liked the taste or not but I didn't want to be rude.

Lady Lyall fidgeted as she sat, her gaze darting around the room. I felt just as unsure. I didn't even know if I truly wanted to hear the truth, not from her lips at least. My mother should have told me herself many years ago, instead of allowing me to think I might be mad.

Finding some resolve, I straightened up, prompting, "My mother. . ."

"I knew your mother well," Lady Lyall began with a wistfull smile. "She was the daughter of a Healer from a pack north of here and finished her training to become a healer herself amongst my pack. This pack. We became quite close and at one point, there were even discussions of her mating with Alsander's brother. Of course that never happened. She went back home once her training was complete but we kept in touch, writing to eachother at least every month."

The smile left her face and she placed her wine on the small table beside her, her voice softening as she continued, "She never told me why she left her pack, only that she couldn't stay any longer. I think she was about your age then. I only got the occasional letter from her after that, never telling me where she was or what she was doing though I had my guesses. It had been almost a year when I got her last letter. She was married to a human Lord, pregnant and afraid. There was a chance you could have been born almost completely human but she feared otherwise. Females sometimes give birth in their fur to pups if instinct takes over and sometimes pups born in their skin can shift to fur immediately. She needed me to be there and I couldn't refuse her. I'd been at the birth of my youngest brothers and I knew what to do."

"You were her midwife?" I asked, unable to believe all this had been hidden from me.

"I was. I pulled you from her and you screamed for the whole house to hear. I cleaned you and clothed you, helped your mother feed you and all was well. You were a healthy, strong baby. But there was Wulver in you. I sensed that straight away. I told your mother this, pleaded with her to come back to my pack so we could look after you. She wouldn't hear of it. Something had frightened her, Màili, and to this day I don't know what it was. I left and never heard from her again. No more letters. When your mother died, I knew in my heart what we had to do, even if it was against her wishes." She sighed, looking pained. I could see that she, like Torian, wondered if she'd done the right thing.

Somehow, I knew they all had. While I couldn't explain it, I knew this was what my mother would have wanted.

"She didn't tell you anything at all about us, about what you were?" Lady Lyall inquired with carefully watching eyes.

I shook my head. "Not a word. I always knew there was something. . .different about her. Even the way she carried herself and spoke was different than other women. In turn, I knew there was something off about me too. Urges and instincts that didn't make sense to me. I don't even know if my father really knew the truth."

She gave me a sad smile before picking up her wine again and taking a slow sip. "She raised you well, Màili. You were born to be an Alpha Female, I have no doubt about that. I know she wanted a different life for you but I think she would be happy to see you found your way here."

I wanted to scoff. I hadn't found my way here, I'd practically been sold here but I kept my mouth shut. I'd seen the power inside this woman and I didn't want to offend her a second time. Not after she'd been nothing but caring towards me.

"I dreamt of love," I admitted quietly, almost embarrassed. "I thought I would meet a man at court or in one of the nearby clans and we would fall in love."

Lady Lyall laughed lightly and reached out to take my hand. She squeezed gently and I managed to look up at her. I was glad we were speaking so openly now.

"There is no reason you can't have love. Torian chose you, Màili. He saw you and he knew you were to be his. Our pack elders advised us that if you were to marry into our family that it should be Artair. Torian wouldn't hear it. You're still strangers but give it time," she advised gently.

Torian had told me as much himself but hearing it from his mother's mouth seemed to truly make me believe. He'd fought for me. He'd truly wanted me. My cheeks flushed and Lady Lyall smirked.

"I think you want him too," she said slyly. "Is there something in you that tells you he is yours as well?"

That I wasn't sure about. There was something that wanted me to claim him as mine. The jealousy I'd felt when I'd thought he was with another woman had nearly drowned me in anger and resentment. Yet there was still so many walls between us. Ones I didn't know would ever be breached.

"I don't want him to regret marrying me," I whispered, feeling the sting of tears.

I tugged my hand from hers and stood, hiding my face. She couldn't see my like this, so weak and childish. Crying out my own regrets and fears.

"Why on earth would he regret it?" she asked, her tone almost horrified.

I fumbled to find the words to explain. Pacing the room to gather my thoughts, I took a deep breath. "Because no matter what he says, it's my duty as his wife to give him heirs. Doesn't every man want to be a father? Doesn't every woman want to be a mother? I may not be able to give us a child that would carry his name."

She shook her head and gave me a stern look. "If Torian says it doesn't matter to him, then it doesn't matter to him. Despite the secrets we kept from you, Torian is no liar. I'm sure he does want to have pups of his own but if it doesn't happen he won't resent you. I promise you, Màili. He wants you to be happy."

"I wanted to be a mother," I choked out. "Maybe not right now or anytime soon but I crave it so desperately and the thought that I can't, or rather shouldn't because you don't know if my body can-"

"You heard me," she gasped out and I turned to face her, tears streaming down my cheeks.

Her eyes shimmered with tears of her own as she stood and quickly pulled me into her arms. "I'm sorry. That was not a conversation meant for you to hear. I should never have voiced them like that. They were my own doubts to bear. Not yours nor my son's."

I broke down as she held me. Every emotion that I'd shut away overwhelmed me as I felt a mother's love. She tightened her arms around me, her fingers stroking through my hair as she hushed me gently. "I should have come to check on you far sooner, dear one. Can you forgive me for not looking after you as I should have?"

A shaky laugh made its way past the tears and I wiped my face, pulling back.

"There is nothing to forgive. You've been far kinder to me than I ever imagined you would be. All of this is more than I could have imagined," I said honestly.

She smiled and dried my face with a handkerchief, her hazel eyes full of love. I sunk into her touch and leaned in on instinct to press my cheek against her. She stilled in surprise before I felt her cheeks lift in a smile. Her chest rumbled a soft purr that settled the last of my tears.

"I feel in my heart that you will have pups. My son believes you are strong and very much Wulver and I have complete faith in him. You had Owen tucking his tail, I don't think it will take much to draw your wolf out." She chuckled and patted my cheek, making sure all was well before she had me sit again and placed my wine back in my hand, ordering, "Drink. It will help."

I believed her. The wildness I felt within me was far stronger since I'd come here than it ever had been at home. In fact, ever since I'd learnt the secrets of Tigh Na Faol, it grew to be more than just a feeling. It was a part of me. Albeit a more dangerous part I didn't always understand. Sipping my wine, it did indeed help and Lady Lyall seemed far more relaxed after I gave her a true smile.

The door swung open and Aileen breezed in then faltered when she saw us. She frowned and I had no doubt she could tell I'd been crying.

"I'm sorry, mother, Màili. I didn't mean to interrupt. Father told me you were in here," she apologised, moving to leave.

With a nod from me, Lady Lyall smiled. "Come in, my female."

Aileen hesitated before closing the door and she gave me a warm smile, taking my hand as she pressed her cheek to my damp one. There was fire in her eyes when she leaned back to look at me. Her thumb wiped beneath my eye and she bared her teeth.

"Did Torian do something to upset you? Did he hurt you?" she demanded, looking read to kill.

"You know your brother better than that, Aileen," Lady Lyall scolded gently.

I tried not to giggle as Aileen tilted her chin up and rebuffed, "I do know my brother, that is why I asked. We all know how he can be."

"It wasn't your brother, not really. I am feeling better now."

Aileen have me a once over before looking satisfied. She sat quite happily on the floor, her blue skirts billowed out around her. Blonde curls tumbled down her back and was jealous of her beauty. She held herself as well as any royal woman I'd seen with an inner confidence that shone out.

"Owen was glowering around the halls so I thought I would hide in here until his manners returned," Aileen grumbled.

He'd said something to upset her. I could see it in the pinch of her lips and set of her jaw. I hoped Owen would warm to me eventually, I hated to think I was coughing tension between family members.

"He's simply annoyed that he learnt his place in front of us," Lady Lyall stated, giving me a knowing smile.

"Why don't we discuss a happier topic to make everyone feel better? We should discuss Màili's mating ceremony. It's time the pack met you and that you became a part of us," Lady Lyall said

Aileen clapped her hands excitedly and I did my best to look equally as enthusiastic. A bundle of nerves tangled inside me. I was almost comfortable with Torian's family but a whole pack, including the wolves that had stumbled across me? They hadn't seemed friendly. Yet it had to be done.

"You have nothing to fear," Lady Lyall promised, noting my expression.

But I had everything to fear. More rejection, scrutiny, failure. There was so much to look forward to if I was accepted, if everything went well. A family, friends, a place where I could be truly free. No judgement, no fear of Christian scrutiny.

"How will she take part in the hunt, mother?" Aileen asked, drawing me out of my thoughts.

Lady Lyall hummed and nodded to herself. "That is something we will have to think on. There will be a way."

"The hunt?" I asked, feeling a flash of excitement. The words appealed to something in me.

"It is custom for a newly mated pair to hunt together. Sometimes with the whole pack, more commonly alone. Alsander brought down a stag for me on our night," Lady Lyall explained for me.

"Sometimes the pair simply hunt each other," Aileen added with a wicked grin that had me blushing.

Lady Lyall gave her daughter a look. I was beginning to think that Artair really had been serious when he'd asked me to swim naked in the river with him. Wulvers seemed to be far more open and unashamed by things than I was used to.

Despite that small explanation, I still wasn't sure exactly what a 'mating ceremony' entaled. Of course I knew what it meant to mate, animals mated. That made the nerves grow even more. Would Torian and be expected to. . .

Aileen leaned towards me and I had no doubt she could sense my confusion and worry. "Think of it like a wedding. You'll be bound to each other before our Gods. Your lives will be linked in a way far stronger and deeper than any human marriage. A spiritual bond will be formed between you."

A shiver went up my spine. It frightened me to think I would be bound to someone like that, someone I hardly knew. At the same time, it excited me. Aileen looked dreamy as she sighed. She obviously wished to find her mate. Did she have someone in mind? She was of marrying age.

"We should do it on the Solstice. The Gods will definitely be watching then and the pack gather's to celebrate. We need everyone to see this happen and Torian will be able to put any that disagree in their place," Lady Lyall announced.

"He'll fight them?" I asked, aghast. I didn't want Torian hurt because of me, was this the way it always was?

"My son is a fine male. Strong. He will win any challenges, I know this."

Still it didn't sit right with me. "Shouldn't I be the one proving I belong here?"

Lady Lyall shared a look with her daughter before giving me a comforting smile. "Yes. It should be you but until you can shift to your fur, you're in no position to take on challenges. As your mate, it is Torian's duty to do this for you."

"There may not even be any challenges," Aileen added. "Everyone knows how ferocious a warrior my brother is. They would be fools to try and take him on."

Torian really had risked a lot by choosing to have me as his mate. What had he seen in me that made him so certain that he must have me, even if it risked anything? Perhaps one day I would find out. I knew the solstice was still many weeks away. Perhaps by then, I will have found a way to prove to his people that having me by his side was the right choice.

Aileen reached over and smoothed her fingers over my forehead. "You need to stop worrying so much, my sister. You'll get wrinkles."

The laugh I let out was hallow and she saw right through it. I'd always been a worrier; my mother had said so herself. Forcing a smile that definitely wasn't believable, I sat and listened as the pair discussed dresses, decorations, invitations for alphas from other packs and the more they did, the tighter the band around my chest seemed to feel. I needed fresh air, it was too warm in here. My skin felt as if thousands of ants were crawling across me. An ache formed deep in my bones and I quickly put down the glass I held. What was this feeling? What was happening?

I wanted Torian. Though I had no idea why I suddenly needed the comfort of his strength and surety. He calmed the beast in me. Maybe that's what it was, she was stirring the more I heard about the pack.

I tried to focus on what Aileen was saying about my needing a new dress for the occasion. That distracted me from feeling like my body wasn't my own. I hadn't had a new dress in a number of years. It didn't work though. My vision began to tunnel, colours changing shades and I swore my skin shimmered for the barest of moments.

Another knock on the door had the conversation stopping and I jerked back, the odd sensation fading as quickly as it had come on. Lady Lyall straightened up, calling out, "Come in."

The chatty servant from a few days ago entered but she didn't look so cheerful now. I realised I'd never asked for her name and felt immediately guilty, remembering the cold way I had treated her.

She curtsied low with her head bent to one side, bearing neck. I watched her expectantly as she stood straight once more, noting that she never made eye contact with any of us. It was submissive, I noted, adding that to what I was learning about Wulvers.

"Brian has been brought to the house, my Alpha Female. Our Alpha is readying for his execution," she told us, sorrow lacing her tone.

Lady Lyall stood with a small sigh and I saw the veil of her position fall into place. She held herself tall, shoulders back and head held high. I felt a need to lower my own gaze as her power seeped into the air.

"Thank you, Ealasaid. We will join everyone in a moment," she acknowledged.

Ealasaid curtsied once more before leaving the room and the click of the door shutting had Lady Lyall relaxing a little.

"I don't relish leading sometimes," she murmured.

Aileen stood and kissed her mother's cheek. "We will be by your side."

Torian wanted to shield me from the more violent part of his world but as the two women looked at me, I knew I had to go too. I swallowed and stood, trying to look calm and collected. This would be my first real taste of exactly how things worked here. I had to appear as Torian did, strong and sure.