After I found out about Jack illness, I convince him to take the chemotherapy. However, as he once said I didn't know what is it like to be in his place. I didn't know how much he suffer and how much he's in pain. And I didn't know or understand why he refused to fight and take the meds.

I didn't know and hopefully I won't find out but I did try to understand it.

After the second chemo sessions, I found him crying in the bathroom talking to himself after he vomit. I think he thought I was asleep.

"why me? Why again? It's not fair. I thought I won't be like this again. I don't want to be like this. I thought I was okay. God I'm tired. I just want it to end." He was mumbling while his head kept falling constantly by the sleep that begin creeping around him. I enter the bathroom to help him going to his room for some rest, but he start mumbling again not knowing that he's talking to me or talking at all.

"I shouldn't have listened to you. I wouldn't feel this tired and weak expect in the end. I would have been fine by now if it weren't for you. I didn't want to take the chemo because I know how it's going to go and how I'm going to feel. But no, you want me to take it. Why don't you understand that I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to be in this kind of pain" He kept mumbling, and with every word my heart bleeds for him, and the guilt get bigger and bigger by each word.

After I put him in bed and was going to turn around he take my hand and look at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen, saying in the most broken voice " I know you love me and it's hard for you but you don't understand what is it like to be in my place. You don't know the pain I'm going through and I hope you will never know but please respect my wishes and understand. I was there twice; please I don't want to go back there again. I hate that bed. I don't want to be on it again. Please I will do anything for you." Then he pull himself in a tight ball whispering over and over " I just want it to end. I don't want to go back. I'm so tired"

He looked like a kid who's afraid. A kid who has been tortured then been saved, and now they want him to go back to the same place again.

After that I could not sleep. I kept thinking about if I'm wrong, if I should lesion to him and respect his wish no matter what the consequences are. In the end, I couldn't make a decision, so I went to the doctor in hope to find some answer. But what I get is the worst answer anybody could get.

"I cant help you with this, I'm sorry. I know that this may not sound good but his cancer is already in stag two, his sessions may take long, from what I see he need from five to six sessions to be fine again. And because he did this kind of surgery before we can't doing it again afraid that it will cause more damage than fixing. I'm sorry but his journey is too long."

Still I didn't know what to do. I start walk without really knowing where to, but I found myself entering the Cancer Treatment ward. I set on one of the chairs that put to the people who wait their beloved one to finish. I just sat there looking around me. What I discover is that the one thing they have in common is the pain.

But what get my attention is a couple in the corner, with a girl on the bed taking chemo and her man holding her hand for support. After a while she told him something which made him to nod and leave with heavy feet. I kept my eyes on him until he disappears and when I look back at the girl I see her looking straight at me.

I don't know what get into me but I stand up and went to set beside her. No one speak a word. until she broke the silence by asking me what got me in this ward.

"my best friend has cancer. And I want to see what it would be like to be taking chemo." I said

"pain" she tell me looking pained and broken.

"what?" I was shocked from her answer

"pain, that's what it's like. And it will make him weak that he won't be able to stand without someone help sometime." She told me straight foreword

A while later I was heading home with my answer.

I went to him and told him that he can stop taking the chemo if he wants. At first, he thought I was kidding then he thought that I'm testing him. But after I assure him that it was fine by me and that it's his decision to make if he want it or not, he start to think about it.

"you know that I would die if I stop right" he asked shocked from my sudden change of heart

"I know" I told him sadly, "but after I saw you yesterday I went to the doctor to talk to him. But the answer is not what I expect. And after what I saw in the cancer ward today, I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want you to b in that kind of pain, but on the other hand I don't want you to die."

I look at him without hiding any emotion from his eyes, " I want you to live. Believe me no one want to see their beloved one dying. But I also know from what I saw and heard today that you will be living a nightmare of pain mentally and emotionally if you continue to take it. And because I don't want to see you like this and because I don't know what is it to feel like to do it not for the second time but for the third time I will leave this decision for you. And whatever it is I will support you to the end with it. I love you too much to see you lose yourself just because of me. Don't think of me. Be selfish and think only of yourself. I love you no matter what" I kiss him and left him to think

Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing or not. Maybe he would still be a live if I didn't tell him that. If I convince him again to take it and not drop it.

But Its all in the past now. He lived the last couple of months of his live to the fullest. And I was with him in every step on the way. We take a trip around the world. We did crazy things. We saw things that we never knew that it was there or that its true. We eat a lot of food. And the best part is that at the end of every day we would lie down in bed sleeping, holding each other with big smiles on our faces.

I wont lie and say that it was easy to say goodbye to him. Knowing that I can't see him again. That I cant hold him or hear his laugh or that I cant see his love for me in his smiling eyes ever again. It hurts. It hurts a lot. And it hurts even more being the second time I'm losing him. But this time forever with no hope that he will come back to me.

He was a stranger that made his way to my heart to become my best friend. Then by doing some things to become my nightmare, and straight in the same time to my kidnaper to my lover that hold my heart.

I know I promise to move on and let you go once you are gone, but I don't think I have the strength to do that my lover. I loved you too much to let you go so fast. But in time I will try to keep my promise. I promise you that I will try to keep my promise to you and your last wish.

I love you"

I finish my speech and went to stand between my parents who toke me in there arms immediately.

The pastor said some things more but I wasn't listening. All I could see was the coffin that start moving down to settle in a sixth feet depth in the ground.

When the first dirt was throwing on it I lost it. My body couldn't take it anymore and fall on his knees with sobs rocking it. Screams and yelling start to leave my mothe without my control. After that my body start to shut his own down little by little. until what's left is my shell in my parent arms.

After that I don't remember much what happened. My days become the same. My life put on hold. I just kept crying and staring at the wall on front of me.

It became impossible to sleep in a night without his arms and eyes that are full of love around me. I wake up missing him, I wake with memories of him, of us, I wake in so much pain and torture that is hard to look beyond it. It didn't matter anymore, nothing matter anymore.

Then one night after so many, I had a dream. Nothing in it just someone saying over and over again the same words "you promised"

That morning I decided to go out of my room. I didn't know my family reaction to it. I didn't know how much I have hurt my family until then. Until I go to my mum saying that I'm hungry.

That simple sentence made my mother frozen in place then to break down crying. Then my father come to see what's wrong that made my mother to cry like that.

"I don't know. I just told her I'm hungry" and for the first time in my enter life I saw my dad smile a teary smile. He come and holds the both of us to him.

"don't worry sweetie she just happy. Come on baby the girl still wait for her lunch." He said with a proud grin on his face.

I didn't understand until after I get back to my room and was going to take a shower. The girl that grated me on the mirror wasn't the one I remember.

This girl is skinner, lifeless.

I take a shower, breach my teeth and change in some work out cloths then went down to see my parent.

I'm feeling a shame on what I have put them through. And seeing my dad coming to me with open arms made my tears fall in shame and regret.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" I kept saying while crying in my dad hold

"it's okay sweetie. It's all in the past. All it matter that you finally get up and didn't stay down" he tell me

"we are your parents, we will do anything for you to see your smile and hear your laugh. So stop saying sorry young lady" my mum scold me taking me in her arms.

"thank you guys. I don't know what would happened to me without you two" I tell them smiling

We were interrupted by the doorbell. I wiped my tears away and go to open it. I was drowning by several arms around me.

"I missed you"

"you are okay, thank god"

"I cant believe that you finally talking to us."

One by one my sisters pull away from our group hug. Staring at me smiling with tears in thier eyes .

"come on guys, I'm sorry. But I wasn't that bad.' I tell them with regret

"not that bad. We start to think that we are going to lose you anytime soon." A familiar voice come from behind them.

"Lo" I said and run to hug her, she put her arms around me and buried her head in my neck crying.

After the tearing moment step aside we settle in the living room watching movie and talking. Mostly them, I don't feel like talking much right now.

Then one by one my brothers start to come. It wasn't like the girls, there was no crying but shoulder squeezes and side hugs.

by the end of the day all my family was in the house. and like always my mother didn't want her children to go and made them all stay. And the famous sentence come "we didn't buy a big house for nothing. Everyone has a room here." And "you don't visit very often anymore"

I excuse myself from them and went to my room. I wasn't there for two minutes alone when there was knocking on my bedroom door but I know who it is.

"it's open Lo" I said, waiting for her to come

"hi" she enter smiling shyly, "I know you properly want to rest but I just want to see how are you really."

"I feel horrible. I feel a shame and regret," I tell her the truth because she is the only one that I can't lie to.

"you don't need to feel like that. Its normal. And it's okay. We are just grateful that you become okay. Even if it something small. It still progress." She set on my bed with her back rested on the bed board. I go to her and put my head on her thighs with my arm around her while she playing with my hair.

"you know that he come to me in my dream. He was remembering me with my promise to him. I didn't realized that I withdraw away like this" I tell her

"its been two months baby" she said hurt

"I'm sorry I put you through that. All of you" I tell her after a moment

"I didn't say that to make you feel terrible, but to let you realize that it's been two month since you put your life on hold. I think it's time you start it again. Not full force but baby steps. And we will be around you and with you all the time supporting you." She tell me softly

"do you think that I can do that. I don't think I have the strength to it. I'm scared. Like its too soon"

"no. don't say that. If you don't have the strength we will give you some. There is plenty of people who will give it to you. And beside he tell you to move on and to continue your dreams."

"I miss him"

"and we miss you"

"I'm sorry"

"stop saying sorry. I told you what you been through is normal." She tell me smiling, "close your eyes, go to sleep and rest. I'm here tonight and I'm not going anywhere."

And I did. For the first time in two months, I think, I close my eyes with relive and peace in my mind.

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A/N

my lovely readers!

i just want to say that i'm so sorry for the late update and i hope you like it.

please tell me what you think of it.