It had been three days since Antonio left abruptly. I was in such a state that I hadn't really noticed his departure but a guard had informed me that he had to return back to Italy regarding a business problem. He had also given me a credit card at his bosses request. That meant that I was allowed to move around the hotel but couldn't leave and I had a lot of money to spend. I had some freedom but knew I was always being watched and protected even if it was from a distance so it was all just a sick illusion. I could go to the spa, hotel restaurant, pool and shops but it was only because Antonio was allowing me to.

Despite this, I still hadn't really left the room apart from when I asked for a room change. The guards were surprisingly okay with this (so I could only assume that my kidnapper was too). I couldn't spend another minute in that room. Every time I looked at the awful memories of Antonio's brutal raping flashed before my eyes.

The first day I didn't even moved from the bed. That is until I was handed a credit card and wanted to move away from the traumatizing site. I then discovered room service. But it wasn't food and sweets that I longed for. It was the alcohol. I instantly ordered an unhealthy amount of the stuff, not caring that I would be drinking such copious amounts on an empty stomach. I just needed to forget and to regain the feeling of bliss that Antonio had so cruelly stolen from me. At this moment, I didn't really care about getting extremely ill because I just didn't see any point in protecting myself while at such an evil man's disposal.

It was now day three of Antonio's absence and I had made my way through a bottle of white wine and another of red. It took me a few hours on day two in order to finally decide that I was in need of something much stronger and that wine wasn't enough to do the trick. I moved on to vodka and whisky along with numerous colorful cocktails. I simply spent my days drinking until I passed out and then would order more once I woke up. I knew it wasn't healthy what I was doing to my body and had been shocked that the guards hadn't confiscated my drink supply yet or at the very least, suspended my allowance.

Eventually, I couldn't help but let the dark thoughts enter my mind. I was in so much pain - both mental and physical - I didn't need to be a psychologist to see that. I felt so worthless, it didn't matter what I did because a trail of misery just followed close behind me wherever I seemed to go. The first example was my relationship with Ryan. I recalled all the days where he would beat me, belt me and do whatever else in such an unmerciful way that I'd just wish my heart would give up in a way to save me. Then there was now. I was nothing but a toy for Antonio to do with whatever he pleased. His only intention was to beat and screw me into submission until he had complete and utter control over my mind and my body. What if the pain never ended? What if I spent the rest of my life waiting for my turn to die. Was it really worth surviving this excuse for a life? I knew that the only way to get out of this situation was for Antonio to loose interest in me but I had no idea when that time would come or if it ever would. My life couldn't just go back to normal afterwards either if he did free me. I'd never be able to return to my line of work due to my presumed post dramatic shock, what would my life be like. I had no experience in anything else so who knows what it would be like to restart my life. But I could just end all of this pain.

I knew that having ideas like these whilst drunk was a dangerous road to head down, but maybe it was better to follow through with such plans. I could kill myself now in a alcohol induced state in an Antonio free environment. I mean, that was bound to be as good as it could get for me right now.

I had been forced to order some food, the alcoholic beverages were all taken away from my hold too. I guess it was only a matter of time before they wanted me to sober up in preparation for Antonio's return. Shit! Did that mean he was going to come back today or at least soon? It was more than likely because I knew this holiday was far more important to him than me so he would only leave if it was urgent.

The sudden realization on my tragic life resuming and my panicked eyes somehow managed to wander over to the thick, sharp steak knife that had come with my meal. Before I could even comprehend what I was doing, my fingers found themselves tracing over the sharp blade. Before I knew it, the knife was balanced in my shaking hand. A few quick slices and it could all be over.

My drunk self swayed a bit as I staggered my way over to the bathroom. I knelt down to the side of the bath and frantically screwed the taps on, water instantly pouring out of them and into the tub. I slowly pushed myself up so that I was standing in front of the porcelain sink, facing the clean and sparkling mirror. I looked awful.

My eyes were puffy and a furious red color from all of the crying that I had been doing these last few days. I still had hickeys dotted on my neck left over as evidence from Antonio's assault. I had thrown on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt a day or two ago. I was certain that they stank of sweat and tears, but I hadn't noticed because I'd gotten so used to the stench by now. Besides, vanity and presentation were the least of my worries.

With one final pitiful stare back into the eyes of my own reflection, I tore myself away from the large mirror and climbed into the now full bath tub. I turned off the taps and grabbed my knife, holding it in a tight fist.

I knew that I had to do it now while I still had the chance. So I could just get it over and done with before getting cold feet.

I bought up the blade and began to press it deep into my wrist. I wanted this, the pain was too much to handle and was slowly chipping away at my soul. I could end it all now with one cut. And I did. I pushed to blade down into the fragile skin, dragging it up the length of my lower arm. I couldn't cut the other wrist, my hold on the knife would be too weak and shaky. So instead I just submerged my whole head under water, ignoring the scorching pain. It would all be over soon.

I was well aware that it would probably only take a few minutes for the loss of blood to make me dizzy. As soon as I began to loose consciousness, my body would naturally be forced to attempt to breathe only to suck in water instead. I would either die from the loss of blood or drown. I didn't want to take any chances with this. If I was going to do it than I would do it right.

But I didn't want to spend my last minutes alive thinking about that. Instead I focused on the warm water that covered my body. I remembered all the fun and beautiful times that I had spent with my mother as a child - before work, responsibility and the heavy weight of such a cruel world.

My mind was drawn to the time that my mom and I had gone ice skating for the first time. I was eleven and it was the morning before Christmas Eve. I loved it. Granted I slipped on the ice so many times that I probably spent more time on my butt than actually skating, but still. When I left the rink I was bruised and cold yet despite that still was smiling and laughing. We made it our tradition after that. Every year we would go to the very same ice skating rink on the exact same day, always together.

I recalled my first day of high school. The friends that I had made who helped me through those dark teenage years. The girls who held my hair back when I was sick after trying my first taste of alcohol and laughed whenever I made a funny joke or silly mistake.

Even my memories grew blurry now as I felt my body float away into darkness. I made no attempt to sit up and grant my lungs permission to get the gulp of oxygen that they were begging for. Not that I could anyway. My whole physical and mental self were both too tired for such movement. Partially from blood loss and the lack of oxygen and just life in general. This was what I wanted. No one was telling me to do this. Not Ryan, not my boss and defiantly not Antonio. It was all my choice and so I let my body slip away so that I could finally be at peace.