Anger, annoyance and hate.

That's what I felt when I woke up in the morning, naked and wrapped up in a warm embrace, pulled against Antonio's toned, mussel ripped chest. However none of those negative feelings were towards him. It was myself that I was annoyed with.

I was angry that I had given in to him, despite the fact that he was my kidnapper, abuser and rapist.

I was annoyed at the fact that I had not given up the chance by walking away after I broke up our heated kiss. Instead I had kissed him back, returning the affection and consented to have sex with him out of my own free will.

And I hated myself for the fact that I didn't regret it. I felt awful and sinful because I'd enjoyed the time that we had spent together. Actually, enjoyed would be an understatement.

Antonio had given me the most pleasurable sexual experience that I'd ever had. I had slept with three men in my lifetime. The first was Eddy Jones, I had lost my virginity to him back in High School. I was 16, he was in the year above and it was nowhere near as magical as I gad expected. Both of us were in the school newspaper team and it just kind of happened at prom. Eddy wasn't super ugly or anything, he was nice and funny. I did like him at the time, but looking back on it I probably should have just waited. We were both virgins and had lost it at a school dance after party that one of his friends were hosting. The thing is, everyone makes it sound like losing your virginity to be such an incredible thing. I always pictured it to be like a movie, an epic montage of pleasure, love and romance. So you can imagine my surprise when I ended up with a hot, sweaty Eddy Jones on top of me after about twenty seconds. Afterwards he seemed so happy and pleased with himself and I just lied there confused and underwhelmed. It was then that I realized that it was much harder to please a woman than it was a man.

I learnt that even more with Ryan. When Ryan and I slept together it was just plain awkward. Usually the event consisted of around three minutes, him on top, lights off. As our relationship progressed it became less frequent too, not that I was really missing out on anything though. In fact, I suppose that in some ways it was a relief to no longer have to fake it and then smile and snuggle into Ryan afterwards, as if he had provided me with the time of my life.

But with Antonio......

It was amazing, I couldn't even understand how he made my body feel the things it did when with him. Every touch was passionate and sensual, not a single movement was put to waste. I still remembered every single detail and had to push the memories to the back of my mind before I got any more aroused.

I felt Antonio shift behind me slightly, he was probably going to wake soon. His alluring scent was the only thing that I could smell. It was so musky and masculine that the smell itself was enough to drown all of my other senses. His body felt so hot and tingly against my own, as if there was literal electricity between us. I couldn't help but collapse further into him. If I licked my lips and focused hard enough, I could still taste his kiss in my mouth. The sweetness of it drove me wild with lust. I couldn't help but want more. I desperately needed more. I was currently facing away from him as we fit together in a spooning position. It was almost as if our bodies had been designed to resemble two pieces of a puzzle.

It was when I felt a nibble on my ear that I knew Antonio was awake.

He let out a deep breath and brushed some stray hair back behind my ear. He knew that I was awake within a second of his own awakening, it was a sort of magical skill of his. My eyes stayed fixated out of the window, staring to the sea as I unconsciously pressed myself further into him. It really was an immaculate view. From my position in bed I could see the turquoise waves gently foaming and crashing against the clean, bright sand. The sky was completely clear, not even a single cloud was in sight. If I wasn't really here then I'd assume the whole place was a made up fantasy, like some sort of utopia or paradise. Heaven, even. All of that was perfectly framed by the wooden window, making it truly look like a picture.

"Good morning."

Antonio's tone of voice seemed more happy and cheerful than it usually was. That was a clear result of last nights events. It wasn't exactly a shock though. In his eyes, it must have been a huge win.

"Morning..."

I sighed out, half heartedly. Antonio obviously sensed my discouragement so it didn't take long for him to enquire further into it's cause.

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head while murmuring a quick and rather unconvincing 'nothing' to him.

Antonio saw right through my crappy lie and let out a disapproving breath before suddenly flipping my body over so that I was laying with my body on top of his. The fast movement earned a shocked gasp from me as I now stared up into his dark eyes, chin balanced on his bare lower chest.

He played with my hair and brushed my lips with two soft fingers as he continued to speak.

"I know you Alice. Tell me, what's wrong."

I frowned and bit my lower lip. I could lie to him but unfortunately he was right, he did know me....more than I cared to admit. I never thought that I was the kind of person that could be read like an open book but after spending so much time with the man he'd seen all my reactions, it was no surprise that he could anticipate what I was doing or thinking within seconds.

"I'm angry....about last night...."

His hand abruptly stopped stroking my hair as he looked me in the eye.

"At me?"

I frowned and shook my head. His gentle movements resumed while he slowly nodded his head in understanding.

"Look Alice, I meant what I said, I am very sorry about what I did after the wedding. I shouldn't have done that and trust me, I would do anything to go back and change that. I will live with the fact that I made the most awful decision that I could have ever made. But you don't have to feel bad about last night. You wanted it, I wanted it. You don't need to beat yourself up about wanting that release. If anyone should feel responsible for this, it's me. Maybe I shouldn't have kissed you, I didn't-"

I cut him off by placing my hand up on his chest.

"Antonio....don't...."

I needed him to know that how I felt wasn't his fault. He asked if I wanted it and I said yes. He didn't force or hurt me, it was good sex. It was great sex. I just felt wrong about giving myself to him willingly after he had raped me. I know that so many others would be scrutinizing me for it. I was starting to wonder if this was how the few patients I had treated who'd been kidnapped felt. Back when I first started my training I worked with a few people who'd been held hostage or abused. Of course when they confessed feelings for their captors I thought it impossible and bizarre, of course I was medically understanding and supportive but in my own personal space my thoughts were elsewhere. Maybe it was normal to feel things (seemingly this genuine) , or maybe I was just different. The big fuck up of the ordinary standard. Nothing could surprise me these days. Not even the warmth and comfort that I was beginning to feel towards Antonio. My bodies natural reaction towards his touch.

"Do you regret it?"

My head snapped up to his at the sound of his question. My hand that had unconsciously been tracing shapes on his bare chest seized in it's movement. I tried to find even an ounce of emotion in Antonio's eyes but they were not focused on me. He couldn't even look at me. His jaw was clenched and his eyebrows were set in a subtle frown.

"No, no.....I just feel-"

"Guilty...."

Now Antonio's attention was back on me and I couldn't help but let me eyes fill with tears. He was right. I did feel guilty. He was right all along. He really did know me.

I nodded just as I let out a strained sob. I quickly tried to muffle the depressed sounds and spilling tears by pressing my head into his chest, hiding away because I was to embarrassed of my emotions.

Antonio, once again shifted so that he was now sitting up against the head board and so that I was sat on his lap. His arm curled around my back to support me as the other was placed at the back of my head. He held me close to him and pressed my forehead to his lips as he reassured and comforted me. I could have sworn that I even felt a subtle rocking as our bodies swayed in unison from side to side.

"Shhhhh, shhhh...."

He repeated over and over again in a desperate event to hush and calm me. It didn't work. Because with every fan of his warm breath against my head, every gentle murmur and every loving stroke on my back I felt butterflies in my stomach and a throbbing in my chest. I was crying because I didn't know what Antonio was doing to me.

Was I really falling for this man?