This is the first letter I'm sending to you, but it's probably the hundredth letter I've written you since I've been in here. I'm working this program baby, I'm doing all that I can to show you that I can be a man you can love and trust again. I'm learning how I got so far off the rails so quickly, it doesn't excuse anything. Nothing will ever excuse the shit I've thrown to you and my family and the band. Please know that I am on my fuckin knees here, not asking for forgiveness, I'll never ask you for that, I'm just fucking apologizing, I am so fuckin sorry for all that I did.

I'm sorry I'm not there to help your right now, I'm not helping with the kids or figuring out the new normal, but when I get out of here, I will do whatever you want. I just fucking pray every fucking day that you'll let me back in. I'm not asking you now to let me back because I know for fucking sure you'd tell me 'hell no'. I'll wait until later, when you can see I'm a better and healthy man.

I'd be with you right now if I could, but my family and the band gave me some rules to follow if I wanted back in with them. One of the rules is that I have to let you be, not bother you right now. You've got too much on your plate and you don't need my drama or trash to worry about. So just know, I'm cleaning up my trash, I'm getting stronger, I'm becoming a man that is gonna earn your love. Because baby, you are everything. You're fucking it for me. No worries, I'm not a stalker, I'm not gonna force you. But you are going to see I'm still the man I was when you trusted me, I'm still the man that loves you, the man who will always love you.

Love, Tuck

PS. I'm gonna close every letter with a memory:

You were 8, I was almost 10. We were at the beach with our families, you wanted to surf with Tyler and Kel, but Ty said no. I took you out on my board, you lying on your stomach laughing while I controlled the board. Then, I loved you like a sister. Your giggles and laughter made me smile, the hot sun baking our skin, the salty water spraying our faces, and you, making every fucking day amazing. I remember when we came out, Ty said that from now on, if you wanted to surf with us, we should let you. You were sunshine then baby, and you still are.

Your Tuck

My second letter, is not gonna be super fuckin positive. This day sucked. Therapy was shit. Had family therapy with my mom and dad. I was always ashamed of the crap I got into, but hearing my parents talk about how they were feeling during it. Watching my mom cry because she still jumps when someone knocks on the door, cuz she's so trained to expect the cops to inform her of my death.

Fuck, how did I let my world spiral so out of control? Why the fuck didn't I stop and look at what I was becoming? I know that through the things my mom was sharing today, the memories are no different for any of the other people who loved me. When I fucked me up, I fucked everyone else up too.

This is the shitty kind of day where before I'd go drink myself dark, hide in the bottle and whatever came with. it. I guess the difference is now, I have to feel the pain and despair, process it, accept it, and find a different way to live with it.

I've been writing music again, lyrics too. No surprise, todays output was pretty dark and grim....thats ok...I'm ok with it, though todays music was shit as well.

I'm learning to be ok with tough, sad, angry, I'm feeling it, not just hiding from it. But Sky baby, it fucking hurts sometimes, so damn much. I'm not telling you this to make feel sorry for me. I earned this pain, I brought it on myself, so I gotta learn how to live with it. I'm just showing you where my heads at.

Your Tuck

PS Todays memory

You were 14, about to start high school, Tyler was giving you a lecture about staying away from the douchebags, even though he and my brother were two of the biggest players. I was watching you, wondering when the fuck you got so hot? You'd always been pretty, but you were sitting there with one of your friends, rolling your eyes at our brothers, laughing at them. Your face was pure joy and happiness, looking at them, being silly with your girl. Then you looked at me, and I felt it, our voodoo mind fuckery. You were telling me that you didn't care about other guys, you were letting me know that you 'saw' me. And baby, I saw and felt you too, differently than I ever had before. You were love then baby, and you still are.

Your Tuck

I don't have a letter for you today, I've been playing all night and I'm fuckin beat. While I was playing, these lyrics took root in my mind. I don't know how I'm gonna use them, but I'm sharing them with you:

"Your world's moving ... away from me...I'm spinning and twisting stuck in place

I'm trying baby, to get back to you, showing you my love, my sweet SkyBlue"

Love your tuck

PS. A sweet memory

The first time we spent the night in the treehouse. You were 8 and scared, excited but also nervous. I was 10 and cocky, but honestly a little scared too. All the nighttime noises I'd never noticed before seemed so loud and unknown. Ty and Kell had helped us bring up the sleeping bags and food. Remember they'd set up those Christmas string lights around the inside so it didn't seem so dark? Everything was fine till we got tired, but it was scary so we couldn't fall asleep, and I sure as fuck wasn't letting you know that I was scared. You started talking about maybe going back inside the house. I grabbed your hand, and we started singing songs, old ones our parents use to sing, most of them we didn't even know all the words. You fell asleep first, your hand still in mine, and I never let it go, the whole night I held your hand. I didn't understand, or even question why it felt so right, being with my best friend, having an adventure, and holding hands.

Love you Sky baby

Looking back over the past 5 years, in my life I see 5 years of drinking, drugging, sex, partying and some music. That's it, same shit, different day, different city, but me at 18 is really no different than me at 24.

You, your world has moved and grown. Your life and world have gotten bigger every year. You finished high school as one of the top volleyball players in the state. You went to one of the top 5 universities in the country ... if not the world. You graduated WITH FUCKING HONORS from that incredible school!!! You started a career that many people attempt to enter, but you not only got a foothold, but you are thriving!

Along the way you've had relationships, successful ones where you almost ended up married (THANK FUCK you didn't). You have friendships that have lasted years if not decades. Your family love and cherish you (those that are with us here on earth, and those that watch over you from above), you have built an admirable and successful life. To say I'm proud of you doesn't even begin to express my feelings. I'm in awe of the way you've lived your life, I'm inspired, I'm intimidated, but more, I'm just so fucking honored to know you.

Skylar Angelina Strickland, you are a person of strength and substance, someone who changes worlds, through your touch, your love, your presence, on a cellular level you bring good to the world.

Your tuck

PS A sad memory

You were 11, we were coming back from the beach, walking up the hot sand when we heard a small commotion down the beach. We walked over, set our boards down and saw a small bird with an obviously broken wing struggling to fly. It looked tired and really weak, you were instantly by its side, talking softly to it, trying to calm its struggles. After a few minutes it stopped thrashing around, it was breathing very slowly, not moving too much and its eyes were closed. You started gently stroking the top of its head, it was out of it, because you were touching it and it wasn't reacting at all. At first I was afraid it would try to bite you, but it was pretty clear that the bird was too weak and it wasn't going to survive. You had tears running down your cheeks, mumbling to an animal that knew not what you were saying, only the comforting tone and touch you were giving it. I tried to get you to leave, because it was fuckin obvious where this was heading. You said that you weren't going to leave it to die alone, because even though it was difficult and sad, the little bird deserved to have love, care and peace in its last moments. Sure enough, it died fairly quickly, we buried it and put a big rock on top of the small grave. I never forgot your kindness and your words, your loving soul that eased that poor animals passing. Sorry about the sad thoughts, but you calm the chaos in life for those that you love. My parents, Kel and Mel and the kids, if I hadn't fucked things up so badly, I could be helping you, calming your chaos, being a kindness and reliable presence in your life. That day is coming my Sweet Sky Blue, I'm gonna be your strength, your love, your protector, like you are too so many others.

so much love for you sweet sky

your tuck