Well, here are the highlights of my fucking year so far:

1. Burned out all my healthy relationships (years ago)...found out Sky lost almost her whole family, and I was such a no-show in everyones life that I barely made it to the funeral

2. Talked with my family and Sky, though she sure as fuck didn't want to hear or see me...and the family (rightly so) said I had to do rehab and leave Sky alone

3. 90 days of rehab, successfully completed

4. 60 days of sober living in a group home, successfully completed

5. Sober living in my own home, well a rental, but just me and my new best friend Turo, my sober living companion for the next several months, successfully started

Arturo and I are in a small house a couple of blocks from my parents. Arturo is a good guy, and he obviously understands where I've come from, and where I'm trying to go. The man is brilliant and awesome, and I'm fucking lucky that he is helping me. He's shared some of his story, and it was rough, so his perspective and experience are fucking invaluable. We're working on my new life, filling it with a routine that's healthy, people who are strong and positive influences and filling my days with music mostly. I'm working on new songs, working with the guys again, which has been a fucking miracle.

They're letting me back in, slowly, and with a shit load of caution. But I know how committed I am, they will eventually see it, and hopefully trust in me. If not, that's fair, they've more than earned the right to be skeptical and perhaps not want me around anymore. I get it, sometimes consequences suck. But for now, we're playing together, and they like what I've been writing and how I've been playing.

I see my parents all the time, Kell, Mel and Jase almost daily. Mel and Jase are a fucking riot, and they make this time without Sky bearable. Mostly because they're the only ones who slip up and share info with me about Sky and the kids. Spending time with my parents is fucking emotional, trying to repair the damage I've given them, showing my love and appreciation, basically trying to make up for lost time. They're great pepople and I'm lucky to have them.

Sky's job has taken her and the kids into the city for a few months, they are living there full time now. My parents and Kells family see them a couple of times a week. I know when they see them because they aren't with me, and then I get little snippets of what my girl is up to. No surprise, she and the kids are thriving. The kids go to a daycare at Skys office, they go to the beach, have slumber parties with Jase, and seem to be moving forward. Sky is doing great at work. Un-fucking-fortunately I know her boss, not well, but I've seen him around through the years. He's a couple of years older than me, a fucking pretty boy, who is successful in both acting and directing. He's never been married, dated a fuck ton of hot women, and I've seen first hand that he's also gotten pretty fucking dirty with a fuck ton more. But honestly, he's not a bad guy. I want him to be, I want to tell Sky that he's an asshole, but he isn't. I also know for a fact that he's gonna chase Sky. I suspected this for awhile, but my fear was confirmed when I saw a pic of the two of them on a news site announcing his newest project, a movie Sky is working on.

Fuck fuck fuck

I'm stressing out, panicking, my brain is frying on overdrive, I can't complete a thought, I'm fucking spinning out of control. Used to be the solution to this problem was a boatload of alcohol, obviously, now my life requires a radically different approach.

"Arturo. Turo, you up man? I'm kind of struggling here right now, sorry to bother you. I really don't want to fuck up." Knocking on the door, softly first then louder, no surprise since it's 3:00am.

The door is thrown open and I see Arturo sleepy looking but wary as he checks me out. Searching my eyes for telltale signs. He won't find any, I'm asking for help, I haven't already fucked it all up yet.

"Yeah, man, lets go in the kitchen and talk. Tell me what's got you up and rev'in your engine in panic mode. You make the coffee, I'll grab something to eat." Entering the kitchen, we split off to our separate tasks. Trying to get lost in mine, I concentrate on the loading the coffee maker, adding water, grabbing cream and coffee cups.

"Thanks man, I'm sorry, but I started winding up a couple hours ago. Played my guitar for a bit, then moved on to the drums. Then I started checking my phone, and it all went to shit. My heart started racing, my mind can't focus, I got so wired, and I knew that I didn't want to fuck up. Thanks for helping me." Sitting down, I rest my elbows on the table, my head in my hands, trying to concentrate on breathing, and creating a pattern in my breathing.

"Dude, you're good. You tried the things that usually work, tonight they didn't work, and when you needed help, you asked for it. That's great man. Now, let's talk about how we got here, what's the thought you're trying to control or escape?" Arturo speaks with his calm deep voice, I swear his voice alone can talk anyone down to a calmer state. He brings some grapes over, along with a couple of oranges and the remaining cookies from Jases and my quest to make the chocolatiest chocolate chip cookies in the world.

Standing, I walk over and grab the coffee carafe, setting it in front of us. Pouring Arturos, then mine I sit down and try to busy my hands with an orange.

"I was thinking about Sky, her job, how she and the kids are in the city, and I'm out here. I haven't seen her in more than eight fucking months. She's living her life, they're moving forward together, I'm not a part of them. How the fuck am I going to get them back if I'm not with them? She's working with that asshole Landon Gray, and he's smooth man, really fuckin smooth. He'll move in on her, she might go for it? Why wouldn't she? He's not that bad of a guy, he's certainly not a fuckin addict. FUCK!" I take a breath, peel the orange a bit more, take a sip of coffee and try to breathe some more.

"This is what happened earlier, I kept ramping up, my brain wouldn't slow, I kept telling myself to go find her and talk to her, make her hear me." I close my eyes, breathe again, and take a couple of beats.

"Sorry man, that's a shitty place to be in right now. I know you want her to wait for you, but she might not. She might move on, and never let you talk to her again. As fucked up as that feels, it's also reality. We make choices that we can control, but we can't control other peoples choices. I know you know that, that's why we're drinking your shitty ass coffee at 3:00 am." He smiles at me, and rolls another orange my way.

"Her not talking to you isn't a punishment to you, it's Sky taking care of herself and the kids. It's not about you. Sky dating someone, getting married, moving or becoming an astronaut isn't under your control, it's her life and world. It sucks man, I know. What is under your control, is you getting stronger, you managing your triggers and coping mechanisms. And I'd like to point out that you did that perfect as fuck tonight. You tried by yourself, and then you asked for help. Proud of you man." He reached across the table and we bumped knuckles.

"I feel like I'm getting so close to being ready to start my life with them, but I'm still not there. I swear I'm not gonna cut corners, or eliminate steps, I just really fucking want to be finished." My mind is calming a bit, breathing isn't as ragged, and I think things are getting a bit clearer.

"You are getting close, you've been sober for almost 8 months, dude 8 months! Every day you've made good choices to push you where you want to be. But this is your journey, there's every chance that your journey and Skys aren't on the same path. You gotta be ok with that. You have zero control over her choices. Don't try to rush it man. She's figuring out her world too. As much as it sucks, keep the pace. One step in front of the other, looking forward, moving on." Even though he's said these words a hundred times before, they do help me.

"You have goals, targets you're shooting for. You'll hit a bullseye with a few shots, miss a few, but keep trying, your aim will keep improving." He smiles and leans back.

"Fuck man, that was the shittiest analogy! Whatever, I know what you mean, I'm heading in the right direction, I'll keep going forward." I smile at him, thank fuck he's here.

"They can't all be winners buddy." He grunts out a laugh, and we sit back, quiet and thinking.

"Ike is happy with my progress, he says I'm getting better, and my world is getting bigger. It's not just about me anymore, I'm finally starting to gain a little empathy and sympathy for others." Shame fills me, because I know how me-centric my life has become.

"Awwww.....my little Tucky's growing up." He full out laughs now, lightening the mood, and helping to eliminate the last tight bands of stress across my chest.

"Thanks man, I can't tell you how much your support means to me, I'm here because you and Ike are fucking sober warriors, thank fuck you're on my team, see you in the morning." Finishing my coffee, I grab his empty cup, and we head off to our rooms, I know I won't sleep, but i also know I'm not gonna fucking drink either, so I guess I'll write a letter.

This was a hell of a night, tough for different reasons, but I started it off stressed as fuck and sober, and I finished it a little less stressed and still sober. A big fucking win as far as I'm concerned. 8 fuckin months sober, 8 fuckin months since I've seen you, I'm laying the groundwork, getting strong, I'm gonna be someone you can be proud of.

I want to let you know I saw your picture online, with your boss. The caption said that the script you're working on is going into production. I'm so proud of you baby, you're fuckin rocking the adulting thing. Feel free to pass on any tips to me. Kidding, but not really.

I've written several songs, and it looks like they're going to be on the next album, Jake is happy, so are Kell and Dom. The collaborations are something we haven't really done before, it used to be me or Jake, or the two of us. All four of us working it out is pretty fuckin cool.

Here is a bit of a lyric I'm working on:

"Salty kisses, salty tears, waves of longing and pain through the years. Constant tides, moons and skies, pulling me towards your soft gray eyes."

sober as fuck and still loving you, your tucker

PS memory time

Your NYU graduation, I stood in the back of the room, in a fucking idiot disguise, hat, glasses and a fake beard. I snuck in because if our families saw me they would have hustled me right the fuck out. You wore your grad gown and a bright emerald green dress underneath, a purple and a white orchid lei around your neck, you walked across the stage to applause, peopling laughing, clapping and screaming your name. Baby, you were beaming, like sunshine in a human form, heart stoppingly beautiful. Afterward, I saw you with our family, and a guy who was obviously your boyfriend, he looked at you with fucking adoration and wonder. I could see the pride he had just standing next to you. You were so happy, giggling and laughing. I was too far away to hear any of your conversation, but at least I could watch you. I was sending you voodoo mind fuckery, but you never paused or looked around, so I knew you weren't feeling me. At that point we were so far removed from each other, you didn't even sense I was in the same room. I saw you guys all hug and kiss and love on each other, then head out the door to your celebrations, baby, you were so beautiful, you fucking glowed. I'm so proud to know you.

Loving you, always, proud of you always, you're my sky blue love