So, no surprise, but Sky did not want to stay at my house in LA, didn't want to rent a place with me, didn't want to live in a place owned by me, basically she doesn't want in any capacity to live with me. Friendship yes, support in a platonic and non emotional but friendly way, yes. All the other elements of a relationship that I've been wanting? Yeah, that's not happening right now. So fuck it, fine, I'm gonna 'friend' the fuck out of her. I'll be the most reliable friend she's ever had, I will help babysit the kids if she has to work late, I'll make dinners, lunches and breakfasts, help with laundry and whatever else the fuck she needs because guess what I've learned in the past year? What I want doesn't really matter. I've spent so much of my adult life doing whatever the fuck I wanted at the moment, and what did it get me? An addiction, estrangement from my loved ones, borderline unemployment, and the complete and total lack of trust and respect from the people who matter most to me.

So, even though Ike and Turo have been telling me for months, hell, even the counselors in rehab were telling me, I can't just say what I want and expect it to happen. Nope, I have to fucking earn it. That's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna be the man my parents raised. When my mom and dad look at me, it won't be with a look searching to see if I'm fucked up. My brother and the band will see that the Tuck of the past 9 months, is a man who can be trusted and counted on. Sky and the kids will see that I am someone they can count on to support and protect them, I will be the man that my people can believe in.

It fucking sucks that I know what my goals are, and that my goals might not align with Skys goals. Ok, that's the fucking shittiest scenario, but it's also a potentially very real outcome. So what do I do with that? I guess if I'm going to be the man I keep saying I am, then I'm going to accept it, I'm going to be what she needs. And what she needs right now is a friend, back up, support, a person who shows her what an awesome job she's doing. A person who helps her when she's down, a person who loves her, just for the sake of loving her, not for the hope that she'll love me back.

Fuck, growing up fucking sucks.

Well Merry Christmas to me! Alex came through with a great rental for the kids and me. It's not as close to work as I'd like, but that also means that the rent is a little better than what I'd budgeted for. The house is perfect, it's all one story so I don't have to worry about the kids racing down the stairs, it has an awesome back yard, and even a play house! Everything about the place is perfect, the kids and I will move in during the Christmas break, so it won't be a total rush and chaos debacle.

Landon closed the office for most of December and the first week of January, so for the first time since I got the kids, we have weeks of uninterrupted relaxing, downtime. Or as relaxing as time can be with two very busy and active children!

Tucker told me last night that he's selling his LA house, it was nice of him to offer it to us, but yuck, and hell no. He is looking for a new house in LA now, because the band will start recording in the new year, then they will start looking into playing clubs and a tour. I'm happy for him, happy that the music part of his live is falling back into place, but I'm also nervous for him. Touring and clubs were what opened the door to years of epically bad decisions for him. I want him to succeed, I still truly care about my friend, and I know his family would be devastated to see him slip away again. But, even though I'll always love that friend that I had for so many years, I don't know that I'll ever be able to trust my heart to him.

I know that's what he wants, he has been pretty clear about it for the past year, I also know that I am not in a place where I'm ready to start a relationship with anyone, especially a man who is fighting so many demons. He's backing off the overt messages about our 'destiny' and his 'total love' for me, that's good. He has been a true and deep friend since thanksgiving, I hope he stays in that lane, though if I'm honest, I do kind of miss his declarations of love. But that's pretty selfish of me, I keep telling him no, but I still kind of like the attention, rude of me maybe, but I'm not leading him on. I keep that little secret to myself.

As I'm doing the dishes, I see Tucker crossing the yard from his parents house to mine, he hasn't spied me yet, so I enjoy the moment. He's carrying some roses in his hand, and I. know that they're for me, he has a small smile on his face, and he looks peaceful, content and happy with his world. I've been noticing lately that he is far more at ease in the world, not the manic energy when he first came from rehab, nor the desperate need to make amends with everyone. Resigned isn't the right word, because he still has hope and goals he's working towards, but now he's maybe more practical about his approach. That isn't the right word either, but it's closer, he's not taking everything for granted, it's like he understands he has to do the work to get the trust back with his family and band. I'll think of the right word soon.

"Hey Tuck, come on in, I'm doing dishes." Drying my hands I step back and head to the fridge.

"Do you want something to drink? I'm going to grab some ice cream, shall I make you a bowl too?"

"Yeah, that sounds great, thanks. These are from my moms garden, I know you like the maroon ones, they smell really nice." Handing me the roses, he turns to get the bowls for the ice cream.

"I'd like to talk to you about a few things if you have some time Sky, I wanna run them by you, before I make any decisions. I found a couple of houses, near your new rental. the closest one is a few blocks away, the furthest one is less than a mile. None of them have pools or lots of big glass like you didn't like at my old house. I'd really like to be close to you guys, so I can help when you need it, but I know I don't want to crowd you either. The studio is pretty close to the houses, so is Kell and Mels house, but those aren't the reasons I'm looking at the houses. I like that they're close to you guys. But it's up to you, if it's too close for you, then no worries, no guilt, I'll find something else." He's kind of quiet, and I know that this isn't easy for him. I totally appreciate that he is putting in my hands though.

"We're friends Tuck, the kids love you, and you and Turo have been super helpful, wait, is Turo moving with you?" All of a sudden I realize that Tuck might not be living with Turo anymore.

"Turo is coming with me, I'd really like to live with him for a year, then I think he, Ike and I will see where I am, if I'm ready to try fly solo." He shakes his head, a small sigh escapes form him.

"What's wrong Tuck? You don't want to live with Turo anymore?" I ask, puzzled, because I thought they got along great.

"No, not that, I really like him, and the reason I'm solid right now has a lot to do with him. He's really helped me, I guess I'm just a little embarrassed, maybe a little bummed, that I'm a 25 year old man who can't live alone. I get it, I appreciate all the help that's gotten me here, I'm also kind of wishing I was a bit farther along." He leans back in the chair, throws his head back and locks his fingers behind his neck.

"I'm good Sky, don't worry about me relapsing or shit like that. The last thing I'm gonna do is fuck up my sobriety. It's just sometimes I get down about how I fucked up my world. It's ok, I'll pick up in a bit, I'm just really trying to be honest with everyone, at all times. Sometimes I just feel shitty." He gives me a sad, crooked small smile.

"Well, I get that. I kind of feel similar sometimes. I love being mom to the kids, I love my job and where I am. But if I could have my family back, if I could have said something so they didn't go out that night, sometimes I play that game with myself. It sucks, and I try not to do it often, but I know what you mean, when you sometimes just feel shitty." I have tears in my eyes, because I really do understand.

"Well fuck me sideways, did my Sweet Sky Blue just cuss?" Tuck gives me a fake shocked expression, patting his chest like a 1880's southern bell, and thankfully lightening up the heavy moment.

"Shut up, I do cuss sometimes, not as often as you, Fucker." I smile as I toss out his least appreciated nickname.

"Anyway, back to the houses, pick whichever one works best for you. I'm fine with you being close, the kids and I love having you around." I smile and reach across the table, patting his hand.

He places his other hand on top of mine and squeezes. Then looks at me, with a resigned look in his eyes.

"I'm not gonna push you anymore Sky, I've let you know how I feel, that's not gonna change in this lifetime or the next. But I do know, that if you decide you don't want to go there, then I'm still gonna be your friend, I'm still gonna be here to help you and the kids. Growing up as kids, we were always more family than friends, that's the way, as far as I'm concerned, that's how I'd like us to continue." Squeezing my hand he releases it, and I miss the connection.

"Thanks Tuck, I honestly can't think of anything with anyone beyond friendship right now."

"No worries, I'm never leaving you again, I've always got your back. I say this from the deepest part of my heart, you can count on me Sky, I promise you, you and the kids can always count on me."

I look in his eyes, really study them, and I see my friend, he's really back. I trust that he means that he will always be around, but I don't know that I can count on that. I guess it doesn't matter right now, I'm not forecasting into the future, I'm just dealing with today.