One day. Twenty four hours. That's the longest I have ever gone being mad at Evan in the last fourteen years. I think, somewhere deep inside, I knew if I make up my mind, I can be mad at him for longer, but I love him too much to let that happened.

Now? It's been a week since I last said a word to him, and that word being, 'hey.' which was said to five other people along with him. I am not just mad at him, I am angry and most of all, I am hurt. But he doesn't need to know about the hurt part, although I am sure he knows I am incredibly pissed.

After Chris and I left the school that day, he took me to this diner and ordered chicken burger and fries for me, along with strawberry milkshake. I didn't cry, but I also didn't say a word as I ate my food in silence, and he didn't ask me to.

He didn't know about the kiss, but he knew that this was me reacting to the 'I love you.' Now, call me a selfish bitch because I can't bear the thought of Evan loving another person, but in reality, this has nothing to do with him loving Rose.

I mean, of fucking course it would have shattered my heart when he would have said those words to Rose in front of me, but what made me angry and broke my heart was that he said it not even thirty six hours later after we kissed.

It just made me feel like the kiss we shared — while it meant everything to me, it meant nothing more than shit to him. If anything, the kiss must have made him realise that he doesn't have feelings for me, and instead loves Rose. And that is what makes me feel so fucking shitty. I almost feel used, but that's just exaggeration.

If he loved Rose all this while, why the hell did he kiss me? I gulp at the thought, my eyes fixed on the sandwich lying in my lunch tray.

The least Evan could do was wait for a week before declaring his feelings for his girlfriend after kissing me like that. Sure, it was lust and all, I get it. But that kiss — god, I am starting to regret that kiss so fucking much, which I never thought was possible.

"You gonna eat that?" Jordan's voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I look across the table at him.

Rose is sitting beside him, in the middle of him and Evan. Sure, I cannot just starting ignoring my whole group of friends, but no one can force me to interact with Evan, or with his girlfriend for that matter.

She knew what she was doing when she said those words to him in my presence, it was like she was waiting for my appearance. I know that wasn't the first time they exchanged the words in that day, because obviously, she wouldn't have looked so smug about it. She was aware how Evan was going to respond to her. Sure, she had insecurities and she was just marking her territory, but does anyone gives a fuck about my feelings? Absolutely not. Well, apart from Chris because he has been literally 'baby-ing' me the whole week, as if he was afraid I'll break into two.

I wouldn't. What he doesn't know is that I break down every night in my bed so that I can hold it together the next day, so if he was expecting a breakdown in front of anyone, it wasn't going to happen.

"Nope, you wanna have it?" I ask Jordan, but before he can take it, Chris slaps his hand away.

"You haven't eaten anything since morning, Claire." He turns to me, and his eyes are wearing that stern look, "Eat that, now."

I roll my eyes, "You are worse than my dad."

"Actually, he asked me to keep an eye on you." He says and I know Evan catches his words because he's glaring at the two of us.

It's not like he hasn't tried to talk to me, he has called out my name in hallways, tried to get the two of us alone, but I always seemed to escape. I am not sure how much longer I can keep that up though.

"I wonder why." I smirk and Chris shoots me a look.

"Don't start with me. Just eat the food." He says, clearly annoyed that I think my father and him are teaming against me.

Chris still doesn't know about the kiss, and I don't think I am going to tell him, or anyone for that matter. Evan sure as hell hasn't said a word to anyone, so I have my mouth zipped as well.

I take a bite out of sandwich and start chewing on it. Breanna has been on my case whole week, asking me what was wrong, and Jordan suspected as well, but he understood that I didn't want to talk about it. But, Breanna just wouldn't leave it alone.

"By the way, did Scott verify the mail address?" Chris asks, his voice low but he doesn't know that Evan is watching us like a fucking hawk.

I seethe at him, "Be a little more loud, would you?"

"No one heard." He says, shrugging.

Well, he spoke too soon because Evan looks between the two of us, "What mail address?" He asks, and I stare at my food tray, not even meeting his eye.

He lets out a curse word, "An, I am talking to you." He says, and I so badly want to look up at him and hug him when he calls me by that name, but I just bite my tongue.

"Adrianna." He snaps, his voice stern and I immediately meet his gaze, my lips parting.

I don't remember the last time he called me by my full name, but I know he never calls me by it until we are in a fight or it's something extremely important. There's something behind his eyes when they meet mine, he almost looks relieved that I am looking at him.

"What?" I snap, clearly annoyed, and I don't even try to hide it. He should know I am pissed.

He looks taken aback by my tone and opens his mouth to say something, but immediately closes it. I scoff, "Thought so." I say, before grabbing my backpack and leaving the table, aware that everyone at the table is probably wondering what's up with me.

I hear a voice behind me and I turn around, "Jay, just leave it fucking alone! You shouldn't have brought that up at the lunch table." I immediately snap at him, aware that we are alone in the corridor.

He sighs, taking a cautious step forward, "I am sorry, I thought I was whispering and no one would hear." He apologises and I shake my head.

"He did verify it, it's her." I tell him and he gives me a painful expression, well, anything is better than pity.

"You know what you gonna do?" He asks as he reaches me and I shake my head.

He wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer to himself, "Dad thinks I should reply, I am not sure though."

"Think about it alright, there's no hurry." He assures me and I nod, hugging him back.

In the last week, I saw this totally different side to Chris that I wasn't aware existed. He took care of me, spending time over at the house as he watched chick flick drama with me, even argued with me over the most stupid things like the flavour of the ice cream, but more than that, he made sure that I didn't feel alone.

We didn't talk about our mothers, but I knew it's a conversation that would come up in the future. I just told him what my father told me and right back at the table, he just wanted to know how it turned out.

Someone clears their throat and I part from Chris to look at Evan, who's glaring at Chris but when his eyes fall on me, they immediately soften, and almost turn to plead.

"Can we talk, please?" He asks and I want to shake my head but I know that we need to talk sooner or later.

Chris looks at me and I shrug, "Sure."

"Call me if you need me, alright?" Chris says and I nod.

He turns back towards the cafeteria and Evan steps closer to me. Even looking at him hurts. He motions towards the opposite direction of the hall and I follow him as we make our way towards the empty gym. It's in the old building of the school, the gym that isn't used anymore so no one comes here.

"An.." He begins as we take a seat on the stairs and I gulp nervously, turning to him. "I know the reason you are mad at me has something to do with the kiss, but please explain it to me. I am at a loss here, alright? You told me that it was fine when I left your house, but then you've been ignoring me ever since."

I laugh, a bitter laugh as I look at him. He doesn't even know the reason I am so pissed at him. Why the hell do feelings even exist?

"You told her you love her.." I start, looking straight into his eyes, "You kissed me, Ev and I was fine with pretending that it didn't mean anything to either of us. But not even two days later, you told her that you love her."

He opens his mouth, gaping at me but then closes it shut. But then he speaks up, "Did it mean something to you?" He asks and I have this urge to slap him across the face.

How the hell is he so oblivious to everything?

"Of course it did, Ev. Why the fuck did you think I was crying? You aren't that bad of a kisser." I give out a small smile and he just stares at me.

"But you said —"

I cut him off before he can continue, "I said that because I know how you feel, and that matters a lot to me, alright?" I tell him.

He takes my hand in his and his thumb grazes my knuckles, and the feeling is enough to make me sigh at his touch. His eyes flicker to me, a sad smile on his face.

"I didn't know you felt that way about me." He says.

"I am not saying I do, all I am saying that kiss did mean something to me."

"And you lost me right there." He scowls.

I am not ready to confess, I am not ready to tell him that I am in love with him, or that I have been from the past four years. Even though that kiss changed a lot of things for me, it also made me realise that I was holding onto something that's never going to be mine.

"Well, I do have feelings for you, Ev. But I am trying to forget them, you know?" I tell him the only thing I can offer him close to the truth.

"You are? Why?" He sounds surprised.

Hope flutters in my chest, but I know better than to entertain it. "Do you not want me to?" I ask.

"I am not sure what I want, An." He frowns, looking down at our hands.

"But you do love Rose." I state the obvious.

He looks up into my eyes, guilt clear behind them and this time, I really do slap him. He curses under his breath as he holds his cheek, "What the fuck was that for?" He asks.

"Tell me you didn't." I say, hoping and he just gives me one look for me to start hitting him again, "Fucking hell, Evan!" I yell and he keeps his hand on my mouth.

"The voice echoes here, An. Shut it." He says through gritted teeth.

"You don't love her!" I say and he closes his eyes as if he's in pain. "Why the hell did you say it to her then?"

He messed up, really! A big fucking time. And this time, he has to fend for himself because I sure as hell wouldn't lend him a helping hand. This is totally his mess to look after.

"She came over on Sunday, and apologised for freaking out. She said that she was insecure, and wasn't thinking straight when we broke up. And then suddenly I felt so guilty about the kiss, next thing I knew I was telling her I love her." He explains.

I slam my palm against my forehead! God! Why the hell would he do that? I don't care much about the part where he said that he felt guilty about the kiss, because that's who Evan is. He's not a bad person, of course he felt guilty for kissing me not even a day after he broke up with Rose especially when I was the reason they broke up.

"Ev, what happened to the fact that we don't use the words, 'love' and 'hate' just like that?"

Almost two years ago, Evan and I were lying down on my bed, staring at the ceiling while we talked about all the random shit that is there in the world. He turned to me and asked me if I have ever said 'I love you' to anyone. I told him that I haven't, but I secretly wanted to say those words to him.

"Love and Hate are such powerful emotions, An. But nowadays, these words are thrown away like they hold absolutely no value, especially love. I really don't like that, you know? Not because I am against the idea of love, but because it's so much more than a word. It's an emotion, a feeling, a beautiful feeling that has so much power in its own.

Love can either create you, or destroy you. It can make you the happiest person one moment, and can leave you completely devastated the next — love can turn your life into beautiful heaven with angel lightening up your heart or it can make your life a living hell with demons trying to tear apart your soul along with your bleeding heart."

I was awestruck in that moment. Because it made me realise that he had such a pure heart, that he thought so deeply. So, we promised each other that we wouldn't tell someone we love them just for the sake of it, we'll say it only when we know it in our heart that we mean it.

"You are a fucking idiot, you know that?" I mutter under my breath, coming back from the memory as I run a hand through my hair and he nods.

"I am so sorry, An. I wasn't thinking straight, I didn't even think how it would make you feel, and you are the person I care about the most." He says.

I look into his eyes and move to wrap my arms around him. God, he may be a jerk at times but he's my best friend, no amount of pain and tears will change that.

"Forget about it, Ev." I say, parting, "You have to clear things out with her, you know that right?" I tell him.

He runs a hand up and down his arm, "I just need time, a lot of time to figure out the mess in my head before doing anything." He says, and then after a pause adds, "Although, you should do whatever you think is right for you, regarding feelings for me. It's not fair of me to hold you back especially when I am not sure how I really feel." He says and I nod, understanding his point.

We talk a little more, clearing out the air and awkwardness between us. God, I missed him. I was pissed at him so much that I didn't realise how much I missed talking to him. I may look like an idiot for forgiving him so easily, but he's not at fault really. He didn't know I had feelings for him when he did what he did and he's still so unsure about his, although I am pretty sure he loves Rose, even though he doesn't realise it.

"Evan?" I say, when we have already skipped two periods, and are still in the gym.

"Hmm?" He asks from besides me.

"Cassandra contacted." I say and his head whips towards me so fast that I thought he'll break his neck.

"What?" He gasps.

"Cassandra contacted." I repeat and he stares at me with wide eyes.

"Hell, I heard you the first time. I just can't believe it. What the hell did she say? And how, where? I don't fucking understand." He hyperventilates.

I give him my phone and he immediately reads through it before rereading it again, a lot like me which makes me smile.

"Holy shit." He curses and I nod.

"I know."

"Is this mail address Chris was talking about? It's anonymous." He says.

"Yeah, well, I was going to tell you on Saturday but things just didn't go as planned. Although Dad confirmed it, this is her." I tell him and he nods, pulling me close to give me a hug.

"Shit, I am so sorry, An." He whispers and I give out a small smile. "You're going to talk to her, aren't you?" He says, almost reading my mind.

I nod, "Yeah, yeah I am."

"Wanna reply to her right now?" He asks and I shrug.

I call up my father first, and tell him that I have already made my decision, and that I am going to respond to her and he tells me that I should do what I think is best for me.

"So, what are you going to say?" Evan asks, scooting closer, not realising that being this close to him is a little problematic for me especially since we kissed.

I click on the 'reply' option and type down.

How do you want to do this?

Email?

Hand written letter?

Text message?

Call?

Face to face?

Let me know. And yes, this email has expiration date of two weeks, after that, your response will not be entertained.

Adrianna.

•••

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