I can't take this anymore. Why can't I live freely? Why can't I love? Just why?

I want to be happy like other people do. Find their soulmate, get married and live happily. I want to do that, too.

Being happy is not a crime.

Then why can't I be happy?

Pfft, because you're different. Your soul is full with darkness. It's not a normal darkness, but the scariest one. It's full with monsters that hate the taste of the thing you've craving for;

Clean your soul before you start loving. Then, you should learn how to love—

Don't love if you don't know how. Your relationship won't last long. A small mistake could destroy all the efforts you put in. But getting love will make it worth.

Trust me. Believe me. Confident with me.

“The only way to start loving other person is;

—loving yourself first”

I stood up in front of him with my head low. I was standing in front of him with full of embarrassment but I needed to do this. It was pretty hard for me but I shrugged all the negative thoughts and put my ego low.

He looked at me with a totally confused face and tucked his hands into his pockets. A heard he sighed. "Why are you here? " he asked as he poked his right cheek with his tongue, waiting for me to give him an answer.

I felt as if I will lost my pride if I continue doing this. I was doubting to myself, should I continue this? Will it worth?

With a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes and looked up at him. Clenching my jaw and have both my hands on the side, I began to speak.

"I come here to say— thank you. " I said, forcing myself to look as sincere as I could. I tried to hide all the coldness inside me so that he'll know that I was sincere. He looked at me fiercely as if he was trying to judge my thanks. It was so annoying but I just hold myself from bursting out my anger again.

His hand gently rubbed his bare chin and shrugged his shoulders. "Wow. I can't believe that you really said thanks to me. I should have record it if I knew you were going to thank me. It's super rare to hear you saying that holy word. The Park Jimin really said thank you to me. Woa " he said as if he was mocking me.

I glared at him. "I do this just because of Aera. If you weren't there to save her, she might meet her death now. You saved her life and that's why I come here, throwing away all my pride and standards just to thank you. I hope you'd accept it with an open heart " I said, scoffing at him slightly.

He smirked. "Just wanna let you know that I did that because of Aera. Not you " he rolled his eyes in full of arrogance. I gritted my teeth, trying to hold back all my anger.

I sighed. "I know you didn't do that for me and I never think that you'd do that for me. I just come here to thank you even you didn't do anything for me. That's all " I stated.

"But however " I added and he turned to me directly, wanting to hear what I was going to say.

"Even I've put my pride low because of you, doesn't mean you can do as you wish. We'll still remain as a rival . " I said

I saw that he was pissed off by my words but to look professional, he didn't do anything. He crossed his arms, "Glad to hear that. Who'd want to be your friends anyway?" he scoffed.

I smirked at his reaction. "It sounds like you're afraid, hm? No need bro " I winked mischievously and walked out from his office, leaving him in annoyance.

The noon seemed quite cloudy. Yet, it still looked good even the sun was all covered by the clouds.

Aera decided to spend her noon by watching people walking past the house on the small garden of Jimin's. She loves to stay there lately. For her, the plants give her chills that no one will ever be able to give her.

She spread her arms to the side and inhaled the fresh air while enjoying the natural sounds. The wind gently blew her bare skin as if it was trying to kiss her. The sound of birds chirping happily make it more perfect.

She had finish her coffee so she decided to get into the house. Maybe eating some biscuits will be nice.

Jimin just got back from his work at the same time so they bumped into each other on their way to get into the house. Such a coincidence. He took a glance at her pale face and turned away.

He closed his car door and rushed into the house with even greeting Aera who was just standing right beside him. She heaved a sigh and followed him into the house.

She spotted that Jimin was also in the kitchen, drinking a glass of juice. "Do you want some biscuit? I have some if you want" she offered

Jimin was about to say no but since his stomach growled all of the sudden, he had to say yes. Both of them sat at the dining table as Aera served him a cup of tea to drink with.

They began to eat without saying a word.

It was a totally awkward situation for both of them. They were not comfortable with it. So Aera tried to brave herself by starting a conversation.

"Thank you for taking care of me yesterday. Didn't know that you have such a kind heart." she smiled genuinely. Seeing her genuine smile making Jimin happy a bit. Even he thinks he didn't do much for her, but the fact that she appreciated his efforts was very meaningful.

"You're welcome. I just didn't want you to die in my house " he said but Aera knew he didn't mean that.

"So how was your sleep last night? Does the bed fits you? " he asked, playing along with the conversation as he felt a bit comfortable.

Aera nodded. "Yes, your bed is so nice. Thank you for letting me sleep in your room for the whole day. " she giggled.

"It's okay. We're going to share the bed after we got married. So I want you to get used with the bed. Tell me if there's something you don't like. I'll change it to a new one. " he said and Aera blushed directly.

After she heard Jimin said that they're going to share the bed, she felt so embarrassed. But she somehow loves it secretly because she thinks that he's a good man for asking her whether she loves the room or not. Her heart fluttered.

"No, it's okay. Everything is fine actually. You don't need to do anything " she stated.

Jimin noticed that she was blushing but he didn't get what was the reason. He was confused whether she was shy or feeling sick. Then, he asked her innocently. "Are you sick? Your face is red "

Aera enlarged her eyes and shook her head. "No, I'm absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with me " she said, trying to hide her blushing face by covering it with her hands.

Jimin shrugged and stood up. He was tired so he wanted to rest. But suddenly, he remembered something that he needed to do. He turned back to Aera who was fanning herself and asked "Do you want to go out, with me? "

Both of them arrived at a restaurant and they sat on the seat. Aera looked around, scanning the whole restaurant. She never been there before so she was quite excited. Besides, it was the first time Jimin took her out alone.

So she felt like she was having a date with him.

A few minutes later, the waitress came and gave them the menus. While they were choosing their foods to eat, Aera could see by her eyes side that the waitress was staring at Jimin. She stared at him as if she wanted to eat him.

But Aera can't blame her since Jimin is a good looking man. It's hard to take their eyes off from him. Having a good look and a trendy style make him looks more attractive and hard to resist.

His fingers started to travel the whole menu until he found what he was going to eat. He closed the menu and looked at the waitress. "I'll just have a bulgogi and a glass of hot green tea " he ordered

He turned to Aera and asked, "What about you? "

Aera blinked as she was not ready to order yet. She played with her fingertips and looked at Jimin nervously. "Anything that's good? I don't know. I never been here so I'm not sure about what to eat. Maybe you can order it for me? " she asked, hoping that Jimin wouldn't embarrass her by ignoring her in front of the waitress. She'll look so stupid and the waiter might think that she was only a maid to Jimin.

Jimin sighed. "Give her a carbonara prawn pasta with a glass of— apple juice " he said to the waitress and Aera sighed in relief. Phew.

"Don't blame me if you don't like the meal. It's not my fault since you're the one who asked me to do so " he said which earned her attention. She chuckled and shook her head. "It's okay. I eat everything " she stated.

Jimin rolled his eyes silently "I didn't make a joke so don't laugh at nothing. People may think you're crazy " he said with a straight face. Even his words sounded like a joke, but his face didn't say so.

"I'm sorry " Aera lowered her voice a bit.

"Btw, thank you for taking me out for dinner. It means a lot to me. " she grinned.

The real reason Jimin took her out was because he remembered that it was Aera's request. That day she came to his office to ask him out but he rejected it since he wasn't in a good mood. I mean, he always not in the mood but he felt guilty seeing her sad face. He tended to ignore it at first but he couldn't since he knows that Aera doesn't deserve a bad treatment.

"Hm. " he responded to her.

Then, it was an awkward silence between them two. But this time, Jimin broke the silence.

"Hey " he said to make Aera looked at him.

He sighed and his face looked kinda upset. "Listen this. Today, I might be kind a bit. But tomorrow, I might not act like this anymore" he confessed, making Aera confused.

"My mood changes every seconds so don't get confused when I act differently. Yesterday, I acted so warm to you. But today, I become colder. So don't catch feelings easily by what I had done. " he said which Aera found a bit harsh.

But then, her shocked face turned to a smiley one. "It's okay. I understand. Even you're cold hearted, but I know that you're kind " she said

"What make you think like that? " he asked. No one ever say that to him.

"If you don't have feelings, then you won't save the little girl from getting hit by the car. You risked your own life just to save her. Doesn't it shows that you've feelings? You felt sympathy for her " Aera answered.

"It wasn't sympathy. It's humanity. What kind of human am I if I just watch her getting hit by the car when I know that I could just save her? " Jimin scoffed

"But it's still feelings " Aera said sternly, trying to win the conversation. Jimin sighed and her statement, "If I have feelings, then it must be only one, which is fear " he confessed.

Aera raised her brows, "Fear? Do you have fear? " she asked.

"Everyone has their own fear, Aera " Jimin stated.

"And mine is death. " he added which make Aera surprised. Well, she wasn't expecting such a confession like that.

"If you're scared of death, then why'd you save that girl? You might lost your life" she asked.

Jimin chuckled bitterly. "She's still a kid. She has a lot of things to explore in this world. Yes, this world may be bitter for me. But I know, at least there's some people who find it beautiful. "

He stopped talking and stared at his fingers.

"Isn't it funny? I hate for being alive but I'm scared of being dead. Can you see how this bitter world treats me? Am I a joke? " he asked, sad.

Aera's smile disappeared as her heart saddened after hearing his bitter words. "You must had been through a lot of hard times, aren't you? " she asked and grabbed Jimin's hands.

She was hesitant at first. But she threw the feelings away.

"It's okay to have fear. That's normal " she smiled.

"At least I know you have feelings "

•••

double update for happy new year—