I stood in front of the full-size mirror in my very first bikini, sick to my stomach.

You look horrible.

My foster mom had bought the turquoise swimsuit just for this trip. She said it would look amazing with my almost waist length hair and green eyes. It was beautiful before I tried it on. When I put it on my body, my appearance ruined it.

Look at your scars, your ugly body.

Despite the bruises and cuts and burns that had healed, I was left with scars-visible or not-that would never go away. I felt like I was hyperventilating again.

You're too skinny.

I ate all the time, filling my body with all kinds of food. But my body was still very small. At five feet, I weighed eighty-five pounds, a lot better than most doctors suspected. Thankfully, when I hit puberty, I grew a decent sized chest and a slight butt, making my body a lot less stick-like. But everything else could not thicken up. Aside from the ugly scars I had, my body looked sickly because my ribs jutted out so far.

It didn't help that when I stood beside any of the Winters, they towered over me like giants. Even Noah, who hadn't hit his last growth spurt yet, stood at six feet tall, a foot taller than me! I sat on the bathroom floor, trying not to cry. I knew my family was waiting for me, but I felt ashamed. Momma would expect me to wear this suit. She bought it for me. I had to wear it.

They'll laugh at you. You're just too skinny. Noah will laugh at you.

"Ed, are you almost done in there?" Momma Winters probably knew I didn't want to come out. I walked to the door and opened it slightly, throwing my hand out and waving her inside. "What's wrong, baby girl?" She walked in and sat down on the toilet. I knew she could see the emotion I barely held back.

I went to her and sat beside her legs. Curling my knees to my chest. I gestured to my barely clothed body. She got what was bothering me as if I had said it out loud.

"Eden, your body is beautiful. It's perfect in its own way and it shows how brave and strong you are." She brushed my long hair out of my face.

She was wearing her own swimsuit, a two-piece that showed a sliver of her belly. She pulled up the top to show me a long scar along her stomach. "Your best friend did that to me. After three perfect labors, Noah decided he was going to be difficult. His umbilical cord was in such a way that if we tried to birth him naturally, he wouldn't get oxygen. So we had Noah through a C-section and he gave me this scar. I love it because it gave me one of my greatest loves. Without it, you and I would have a big hole in our lives, wouldn't we?"

She pulled up her top a little more to show me some scars that looked like tiger stripes. "These happened because, after four kids, my skin stretched and couldn't handle the rapid weight gain. I love these scars, my battle scars, I call them because they are signs that I held my babies inside me and protected them."

Then she pointed at some of my most noticeable scars- a large burn scar roughly the size of an apple on my leg, three slashes on my arms where my birth mother grabbed and pulled with her nails, points on my back from the whip of a studded belt. "These, my angel, are your battle scars. These are proof that you've been through something challenging and lived to show it off."

She got off the toilet seat and we sat together on the floor, not caring that we were in a bathroom. She pulled me into her arms. "I assure you, baby girl, that my boys would never say a bad word about your scars. I know for a fact that they think you are the strongest person they know. And if other people have something to say about it, not only will Noah and the other boys go to the end of the world to defend you, we'll be out of here next week and we won't even remember them."

I kissed her cheek. I would never be able to thank her. I would never be able to tell her how much she meant to me. She was the Momma I'd always needed and I finally had her. "Now, sweet baby. I know it's your birthday and your party and you can cry if you want to, but I don't ever want you to cry because you're self-conscious. You are stunning and I hope to teach you confidence someday."

She made me feel better. If someone perfect like my foster mom had scars, I didn't feel so bad that I had them too. I held her hand and we walked out to head to the beach. All of the boys sat on the bed watching a reality tv show. Jenna sat in a chair reading a magazine. When we walked out, most of the boys jumped up, eager to get to the beach. Noah sat rooted to the bed and coughed when he saw me. His eyes were round and his cheeks got really blotchy, a sign he was flustered. You're ugly. He's trying not to barf, stupid. My stupid brain always had to put me in my place, even if it didn't exactly look like that was Noah's problem. My face reddened and I was grateful when Momma handed me a coverup.

❃❃❃

The beach was beautiful. The sea was beautiful. Everything about Hawaii was simply beautiful.

There were so many colors throughout our drive to the beach, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. It seemed almost impossible to be unhappy. Noah held my hand and I used my free one to point out the interesting things I saw, like our own silent game of I-spy.

We arrived at the beach and found a spot big enough for all of us to sit. We each put a towel out and after the boys had sunscreen, they barreled out into the waves. Momma, Papa, Jenna, and I stayed on the shore. I was taught how to swim by Noah in the backyard at home, but I wasn't very good. I also wasn't very big. I didn't want to get stuck in a wave, drown, and ruin everybody's trip.

So I sat beside Jenna as she tanned, watching the boys splash and play in the water.

"Hey, Edie. Do you wanna be my bridesmaid at my wedding?" Jenna suggested. She was so kind.

You'll trip and ruin the wedding.

I think Jenna saw my fear and laughed, "You couldn't possibly mess up more than I could. All you'll have to do is wear the dress, walk beside Noah down the aisle, and hold my dress if I need to pee. I promise you'll be fine."

I took a big breath and nodded. She beamed at me. "Awesome! Now take off that coverup and tan with me. But don't forget sunscreen. It's awful to burn on the first day of vacation."

I did what she said and laid beside her, soaking in the sun. It was so relaxing and freeing. That is until I was covered in shade and felt drops of water on my body. I shielded my eyes and looked up. Noah was there with a wide grin on his face. "Come on, Edith. The water feels amazing!"

I shook my head. I didn't feel comfortable going in the water. "I'll watch out for you. For real! We won't go out far, just come in the water. You can collect sea shells if you want. Here, I even found you this one I thought you'd like." He handed me a large conch shell that was about the size of my hand.

I looked at Jenna. She asked me to tan with her. I didn't want to leave her all by herself. "Go on, silly," she laughed. "He's blocking the sun anyway."

I got up and Noah and I walked to the water, my hand firmly lodged in his. I pulled on his arm when we got in the water, telling him he was moving too fast. I looked up at him and he had a large smirk on his face.

"I promise. I won't let you go unless you want me to." When we got to my waist- his thighs-I began to really enjoy the feeling of the water. A smile grew on my face until my cheeks hurt. I giggled, letting go of Noah's hand, and twirled around in the cool liquid.

A small wave rocked me in the water, making me feel like I was on a boat. I laughed and ran into the waves, letting them lift me up.

I wasn't prepared for the large wave that knocked me off my feet. It pushed me back, covering my body. I came out of the water bobbing, sputtering and trying to get the water out of my nose. Noah lifted me all the way out of the water with a panic filled expression. "Edith, I'm so sorry! Sorry! I didn't know it would knock you over. Are you ok? What can I do?"

He was so worried, I laughed. I patted his arm, silently telling him I was fine and to let me down. When he let me down, I ran back into the waves, being careful of the big ones.

Noah watched me with a wide smile on his face. He had moved further into the sea with his back to the waves so he could see me. He only bobbed up and down with the waves and never went under like I did. When his gaze started to get too much, almost burning me with the intensity, I splashed him.

"Come on, Ed. You didn't really think I'd let that slide!" He began splashing me back and we began a war. Before long, Noah's brothers joined in and it became a battle between the boys. I decided to head back to the shore because I was ready for lunch. Momma had prepared lunch for us all picnic style. She handed me my lunch bag and I sat beside Jenna again. She already had her sandwich unwrapped and we ate in silence, watching the carefree boys.

At one point, Noah appeared to realize that I was no longer beside him. He panicked and began searching frantically. I could hear a string of cuss words and then all of the boys began looking. When Joseph looked up and met eyes with me, he laughed and pointed to our area.

Noah stormed up to me and sat on my towel, soaking wet. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming up here, huh? Were you just going to watch us panic? You can't just leave without telling me where you are going! What if I didn't find you?"

He was yelling at me. He was mad at me. Noah was never mad at me. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Now you've angered your only friend.

"Well if you had taken care of her like you had promised, you wouldn't have lost her!" Jenna was scooting closer to us. "Don't you yell at her, Noah! Next time don't be so reckless."

Noah crossed his arms over his chest and huffed, "Well, it's not like I could have seen her! I was being pelted with water! I couldn't see anything."

Familiar tears pooled in my eyes, but I didn't let them drop. Great! Now you're going to cry again. You're ruining the trip!

"Noah, you're a tool. It's her birthday." Joseph sat beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

I knew Noah was only being protective. But he never yelled at me. Ever. He pulled his knees to his forehead and sighed. I picked up my lunch and sat beside Momma and Papa and ate there. "Boys are mean, aren't they, Mini?" Papa said to me. I nodded at him and he laughed.

❃❃❃

"Look, Edith. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was worried! You weren't there and I promised I'd take care of you. What if you weren't on the beach and I really had lost you? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you on your birthday! I'm the worst best friend ever."

We were on a hike. I was exhausted and needed a break. It wasn't fair that everyone had endless, long legs and I was left to keep up with my short stubs. I didn't want to be ungrateful, but I was a little grumpy. It was hot and I was thirsty and could feel the sweat gathering on my body. I nodded at Noah but didn't follow him. I, instead, walked beside Joseph. Joseph noticed my struggle and lifted me onto his back and gave me a piggyback ride back to the beach.

When we got to the beach afterward. I took a quick dip in the ocean to wipe off my grime but laid out beside Jenna again, still a bit crotchety. "Eden, please! I'm sorry. You have to look at me. I'm dying here!" Noah was laying at my feet, arm over his eyes.

I had forgiven him a long time ago. I just wanted to see how far I could drag his groveling out.

"I'll buy you a souvenir at the resort! I'll order your favorite meal at dinner and let you eat half of it with me. Please! Just love me again!"

"Ed, please, dear. This has been going on all day. Put him out of his misery." Momma Winters sat with her book and grinned at me.

I giggled and threw myself at him. Of course, he wasn't expecting it and he let out an "oof" noise. When he realized I was hugging him, he wrapped his arms around me and yelled. "Mom, look! She loves me again!"

❃❃❃

Dinner was amazing, but I didn't expect much less. I ordered the special and ate every crumb. When I had completed my meal, a group of people came up to our table and began singing to me. The put a lei around my neck and sang me a special happy birthday song.

I felt beyond loved. Each member of my foster family smiled lovingly at me as if ensuring this was the best birthday I could have. Noah had one arm wrapped around my back under the table. I leaned into him, loving the calm he gave me, even after a day of pretending to be angry at him. It had been a perfect day. After a shower, I laid beside Noah and fell asleep, not fearing a nightmare or my birth mother in the slightest.