This person has attachment issues and doesn't know how to handle their feelings.

Hello,

Lucky for us, it looks like a couple of your points can be combined in their advice and explanation, and I'll explain why in a minute. For now, let's take this one at a time, yeah? First off, finding yourself becoming unhealthily attached to someone is no fun, but I'm very proud of your for recognizing it! That's not always an easy thing to do, so props to you.

Now, based on this request as well as previous, it sounds to me that a big part of the problem here lies within your attachment style in regards to people and relationships. Do note, that I am not a psychologist nor a licensed psychiatrist or counselor, so I cannot diagnose you with anything, but I can give you my two cents on the matter, and it is up to you to investigate further. Looking at your requests, it sounds like you liked him a lot, but then when the idea of a romantic relationship became too real, you got uncomfortable and took a step back, which you regretted. You're also finding that you are scared he'll abandon you for his other, 'more fun' friends, and you're a little jealous at how he acts around those friends versus how he acts around you. It sounds to me like you are dealing with an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

What that means is you feel insecure in relationships (not just romantic), and you are conflicted between running and clinging. This attachment style can appear disorganized, confusing, or unresolved. You may feel disoriented when you're in a relationship if your feelings are disorganized, or you may seem uncertain about any relationship, desiring one with this person strongly yet, fearing it at the same time. You flee when you're overwhelmed by unresolved feelings from previous relationships or when your confusing feelings about this one become too much to handle.

So how do you deal with it? The first step is to try to understand your attachment style. You can't study for a test when you don't know what the test is over. In this case, the test is the relationships in your life, so in order to do well on the test, you need to know what you're working with.

Unhealthy attachment styles are not easy to change. In many cases, they have taken many years to develop, and so deconstructing them takes time too, but not always so much. I suggest researching this attachment style and reading into other attachment styles as well to see what you feel resonates with you more.

Now, the most commonly effective way to start working through an unhealthy attachment style is to seek professional help, but in case that's not an option, another good step after you identify your attachment style is to figure out what you need to feel more secure in your relationships.

Part of this is exploring your love languages.

• How do you show love and affection to others?

• How does it vary depending on the relationship?

• How do you like to receive love and affection back?

This can help you to discover what you need in a relationship.

• Do you need verbal affirmations or a deeper range of communication?

• Do you need more one-on-one time or just more time together in general?

• What do you need to feel comfortable and secure in your relationship with Goop and others? Writing out your feelings is a good way to find clarity in this, but I suggest you start your research before diving immediately into your emotional needs.

As for your third issue, the only thing you can do is get answers from him yourself. There's no point in overthinking when it's not going to get you anywhere but a spiral. Easier said than done, I know, but the only way to quell your mind is to hear the answer from him.

In case you're right though, the only thing you can do is accept it and do your best to move on. It'll hurt for a time, and it's going to suck having to see him and not being able to talk to or text him, but you have to respect his answer, and ultimately you need to do what's best for you. Holding on to a person you are no longer associated with is unhealthy and with your attachment issues, difficult as it may be, letting him go is the best thing you can do should it come to that.

If he really does mean to reject you (which you can't be sure until you hear it plainly yourself) then take that as an opportunity to learn more about yourself outside of a romantic relationship or romantic attachment. Do things you like to do, spend time with yourself and with other friends and family, and embrace the life you've built for yourself so far. Figure out where you want to go, and things you want to do. Take this time to learn more about who you are and whom you want to be in many facets of your life.

I hope this helps, love. Best of luck, and try your best to quiet your overthinking! It's going to be all right, whatever happens, and we will be happy to answer any requests you make in the future.

Best,

The Advice Column Team