"Ok, well go fuck yourself then." Zach's hand smacked his computer screen, making me jump in my chair.

"What are you doing?"

"Sorry." Zach muttered, finally looking up at me from his computer. He shook his head and huffed while running his hands through his hair.

"Ok." I said again, grinding my teeth as another pulse thudded through my head. I massaged my temples, feeling the urge to gag.

After drinking half of the bottle of the cheapest wine ever last night, I passed out and woke up at four in the morning with a wicked headache and dinner in my throat. I had absolutely no clue of what I'd done after buying the bottle. That was a scary thought. Hopefully I'd just fallen asleep after yelling at the television or something.

"So what did you drink last night?" Zach spoke up again.

"Huh?"

"I think I know a hangover when I see one."

I looked at my screen. "Oh, it was stupid. I don't even feel that ba"- I coughed and covered my mouth as something shot up my throat. I got up and went to the bathroom, not bothering to make eye contact with anyone or looking up until I'd shut myself in a stall.

When I came back there was a water bottle and a bottle of Advil.

"For headaches." Zach said, not looking from his computer.

"Thanks." I said, plopping onto the chair.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"Carmen." Katherine's voice boomed too loud in my ear. I shut my eyes and held the phone farther from my ear, tenderly pressing it close again.

"Katherine, I'm right here."

"Why are you whispering?"

"Headache." I said quietly. It was just me in the office.

"I have the best news."

"What?"

"I'm not pregnant."

"What?"

"I'm not pregnant."

"But how? I mean you took a pregnancy test right? And the morning sickness"-

"The doctor said pregnancy tests are so unreliable nowadays. Besides I was hungover."

"Oh." I digested the news slowly. "Well that's great then right?"

"I can't take care of myself, I don't need to add a kid to the equation."

"What would you have done if you were?" Zach came in, walking to his desk and dropping a takeout bag on it while shrugging off his coat.

"...Doesn't matter does it?"

"Yeah guess not. I'll talk to you later then."

"Yeah. I hope we can do something together soon." Honestly Katherine was bipolar.

"Uh huh sure. Bye."

"Aren't you gonna eat lunch?" Zach checked his phone.

"Not hungry." I yawned. "Besides I wanna finish this contract thing Ella gave me."

"Go eat something or you'll pass out."

"I'm fine." I reassured him.

"I'm only looking out for you."

"What?" I looked at Zach again.

"I said I'm just looking out for you."

"Oh." I turned back to my computer.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I got home and collapsed on the couch. My limbs cracked as I stretched, yawning deeply. My phone had stayed silent the entire time I'd been at work, save for Katherine. I was getting used to silence from Van, and that made me a little bit sad.

But what was I gonna do about it? Demand more from him? And what if he got tired of me phoning him every second and demanding he give more of himself? I could see how annoying that would be.

But I still wanted him to read my mind and see that I was desperate for more of him. Even if when I had more we'd still end up pissed off at each other. Sometimes it was hard to see how either of us were at our best with the other.

My phone vibrated.

Van: Call me when you can please

Heart pounding, I gripped the phone to my ear.

It only rang once before he answered, voice low. "Carmen."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing with me. Are you feeling better?"

"What do you mean?"

"Last night when you called"--

"I called you?"

"Yes. You scared me a bit. Talking rather weirdly, and you were saying some things."

"What things?" I stood up, beginning to walk in circles around the coffee table.

"....Just random things." He said quietly. "Anyways, I've missed you loads. How are you?"

I'm crazy missing you, pissed, annoyed, and desperate. "I'm fine, how are you?"

"I'm rather high right now. We finished recording last night."

My chest squeezed. It felt like I was out of air. "You did? That's great!"

"I can't wait for you to hear it. I picked out the title myself."

"What are you calling it?"

"The Balcony."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Van:

"The Balcony." She repeated. "I love it."

"Wait till you get a look at the cover. I'm the only one who likes it." I heard her laugh lightly.

"Why do I get the feeling it's something incredibly sexual." She teased. Her voice felt like a soak of warm water wrapping around me in the best way.

"Did you see it already?" I joked.

"No, but this is you we're talking about. And I think I know enough about you to figure." It felt nice talking to her like this, so normal. My chest felt light.

"Yeah yeah you do know me sugar." I fought back a yawn before she heard. "How's the job?"

"The job is great. But tell me more about your album. What does it mean then now that it's going to be released?"

"Well we're gonna release the first single tomorrow night here. And see how that plays out."

"Van, you have to send me the link then please." Static on her end. "Please please please."

"I will I will." It made me so ecstatic that she was so desperate to hear it. "And then the next single after that will be out in two weeks. And then the album should be released here by the end of June."

"I can't wait." She said excitedly. "What are you going to do now?"

"Now we wait. I don't know, I'm gonna visit my folks next week." I froze for a second, a thought flashing through my mind. What the hell. "Come with me."

"Next week?"

"You're almost done with your classes right?"

"Yes, but finals are next week." She replied. "I'd love to come, but with finals and work...."

"Alright then."

"You're not mad are you?"

"Course not."

A silence grew between us.

"How about I come visit the week after next?" She spoke up.

"That'd be amazing."

"It's a deal then."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Carmen:

"Don't do anything dumb!"

"I fucking hate you how could you?!"

Jesse lowered the tv volume, scratching behind her ear. "The pizza guy was supposed to be here like twenty minutes ago."

"I know." I stretched out, letting my arms drop from the pillow I'd been hugging to my chest. "I'm starving."

There was a knock at the door. "I'll get it." I stood up, grabbing the folded bills from the coffee table and walking over to the front door.

I paid for the pizza and set it down on the coffee table, flipping the top off.

While we were eating, Jesse spoke up. "How were your finals?"

"No biggie. I'm just glad I got them over with. Now I can just focus on work and packing."

"Oh yeah, do you have your ticket already?"

"Yes, just bought it this morning."

"How long were you able to take off work?"

"They gave me a week. Which is super great considering I just started a while ago."

"Is it paid?"

"No, but I wasn't expecting it really." I shrugged.

"Yeah. It's gonna be weird without you here."

"It's just a week, you won't have to miss me that hard." I laughed.

"I'll be crying myself to sleep at every night." There was a short knock on the door. We looked at each other and I got up to check the eyehole.

"Katherine, what's wrong?"

"Just wanted to stop by and see what's up with you. Haven't heard from you you know." She chastised me, stepping forward.

"I've been working."

"Heard you're flying out to see Van next week."

"You and Benji talking again?"

"We never really stopped. Just took a while is all." She crossed her arms. "Would've loved if you told me though."

"For what?"

"For what? Well I would've liked to come with. They're my friends too."

I bit back a cheeky response. "Oh well it was spur of the moment."

"I guess so. Is that pizza?" She looked over my shoulder.

I sighed. "Come in."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Jesse excused herself after ten minutes with the excuse of homework.

Katherine sat down, propping her legs up on the table and wrapping the cheese around her finger. "Listen I just wanted to apologize. For freaking you out about the pregnancy thing."

"Well you seemed freaked out so of course I wanted to freak out with you too."

"I know." She murmured. "But thinking, you know, that I could have had a brand new life...growing inside of me, it's making me realize some things. Like maybe I need to cut back on doing some of the stuff I'm doing."

"Really?" I was paying more attention now. "Like?"

"Well you know, I do really dumb stuff sometimes. And I don't really take into consideration what it's doing to me. Imagine if I'd had a baby while I was...fucking around."I grew silent. It was true, Katherine didn't really think things through much. "But things are gonna be different now. I swear. No more old bad habits."

"Just try." I said, knowing it wasn't like she could completely change overnight.

"Promise." She swallowed a bite of pizza. "I'm moving out of my place."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you know, the people I'm living with now aren't the best." She trailed off.

I froze, what if she was going to ask to stay with me now? "So where are you moving to?"

"A smaller place. With my salary I can't really go for luxurious. Luckily I'm pretty sure I could find a nice little place for my own one town over or something."

"That's good." I said earnestly.

"So are you packed yet? For the trip?"

"No not yet." I poked a finger into one of the couch rips, looking at the ground. "I'll probably wait until the last minute knowing myself."

"Probably. That's good though, you going with Van. It's been a while hasn't it?"

"It always feels like its been longer than it has been." I responded. "Do you want me to, um, send Benji anything, tell him anything on your part?"

"I'm good thank you. Hopefully they'll come back soon."

"Van said they finished recording a while ago."

"You're joking. That's fantastic! Benji didn't mention that to me yet."

"Right? He probably hasn't had the chance to tell you." I teased. "I'm sure they'll be back in no time for a tour."

"And we'll get the VIP treatment." Katherine smiled.

"Yeah we will."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Enjoy :)

I clicked the link, plugging in my earphones and turning up the volume.

The start was loud, heavy on the guitar, Bob crashing on the drums. And then when Van broke in through the music it seemed like the music molded around his voice and I was struck by the rawness of it unlike anything I'd ever heard.

You're simpatico

And of all the lift homes

And all the mixed feelings

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I didn't register I was in London until I stepped out of the airport. The sky was dreary, and it was a bleak contrast from the sun back home. But it was lovely.

A pair of hands grabbed me from behind, lips met mine, a flurry of chills ran through my body as Van stepped back. One side of his mouth moved up in a smile, his eyes boring into mine. Every time I looked into them they seemed bluer than last time.

"Scared ya?" He teased.

"No." I stepped forward and reached for him, burying my face into his neck and breathing in deeply.

"Welcome to London my love." He said quietly, grabbing my hand and hoisting my backpack onto his shoulders after ignoring my protests that I was fine.

He drove us back their flat, my face pressed against the window with breeze filtering in through the crack where I'd rolled it down. Everything seemed so new to me.

"The guys went out to grab some lunch for us." Van explained after he shut the door behind him. "And Benji was even nice enough to volunteer to camp out in the living room, so you can get his bed." He paused, grinning. "Or we can just split mine so we don't have to bother changing the sheets."

"I guess that'll do." I smiled excitedly, sliding my eyes shut as he stepped forward and wrapped me in his arms again. I breathed deeply, feeling so incredibly at peace. Everything that had happened wasn't mentioned, because we were here right now and nothing was bad yet. All was good, especially- "Your music. The guys, you..." I grasped his face, shaking my head. "You're amazing. I need that album now Van McCann. I'm not playing."

"Maybe I'll get you an advanced copy. You're on the lead singer's good side anyway." He laughed, his adams apple becoming prominent as he leaned his head back.

"You better." I said, turning around and catching sight of the balcony door.

"Do you want to take a nap?" Van asked.

"No, I want to go out into the city."

"Plenty of energy huh?"

"I feel I could stay up all night."

"I hope that's true."

I clasped my hands around his. "I want you to show me all your favorite places. Now I'm the hopeful tourist in your hands."

He smiled widely. "We could enjoy a spot of tea by the manor, Oblen's has the bloodiest best scones in the whole town."

I rolled my eyes at his exaggerated British accent. "If you're going to do that the whole time then...."

"Half of the time." He compromised.

"How about I kiss you until you say no time at all?"

"Deal."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Van:

She sped ahead of me, me managing to keep up and grasping onto her hand to keep from losing her in the crowds.

"A left here." I said, letting her yank me as she turned sharply.

She stopped, looking around. "Where is it?"

"Right there."

"I didn't even see it."

I pulled open the door, letting her breeze in past me. She took in the shaggy carpet and faded armchairs, the bookshelves against the wall and the rows of records dominating the store.

Her fingers ran against the stack, pulling out some and then letting them fall back. I studied her as she looked at everything. She'd insisted on coming to my favorite spot and now here we were.

"I wish I had a record player."

"I'll get you one for your birthday." I said, leaning against her to look at the record she was studying.

"Don't you have one?"

"Yeah. Go on and pick one." I laced my fingers through hers. She ran her fingers still, looking for something. "This one."

"Alright, I don't think I've heard them before."

"I just got into them, I hope you'll like them." She went to the register, but I quickly handed the clerk some bills.

"Van."

"If I'm getting the money let me spoil you good then." I waved away her protests. I handed her the bag and we walked out.

"You didn't get anything."

I shrugged. "We've got loads of time to come back. Your eyes look tired."

"I don't want to sleep. I need coffee."

"I wasn't kidding about Oblen's ya know." I smiled at her.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Carmen:

I took a sip from my cup and looked towards the window. People rushed through, the sky darkening. Van entertained me with stories of the city, his hand absently playing with mine, blowing over his own cup.

This was paradise.

I was almost disappointed when we left, but we made the brief walk back to the flat and it seemed even more cozier.

The guys were splayed out on the sofas watching a film. Bondy blew a puff of smoke at us in greeting and the other two moved over to make room for us.

"You got a couple of calls, wrote them down for you." I overheard Bondy murmur to Van.

I tried to pay attention to the movie, but sleep weighed down on my eyes in no time.

"Night guys." I let Van pull me to the bedroom. It smelled like cologne and smoke, the sheets extra cool against my skin. "I have to wash my face, my teeth.." I sat up, stretching.

"Bathroom's on your right, right next to this room." Van murmured, sitting up.

I came back and he was stretched out, hands on his stomach and looking up at the ceiling. "Aren't you gonna get out of those clothes?"

"Just say the word and I'll take my shirt off if it means a lot to you." He teased.

I rolled my eyes, sliding in next to him and shoving my hands underneath the pillow in an effort to get comfortable. He sat up next to me, taking off his shirt and kicking off his pants. His hands wrapped around my stomach and he pulled me close to him. Touching was constant with him, and I didn't think I'd ever get used to not having his hands on my skin.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I woke up in an empty bed, my limbs feeling oddly spent. It was surprisingly quiet, I didn't even hear voices outside.

I changed and went to the bathroom. The reason I didn't hear anybody was probably because there wasn't anybody here besides me.

The kettle felt warm, so I turned it on again and leaned back against the counter, looking around the small kitchen. There were a couple of dirty dishes in the sink, so I washed those while I waited for the water to boil.

I sipped my coffee and stood over the balcony. People at the bottom swarmed around like ants, the beeping of horns cutting through the air.

Sliding the door shut behind me, I almost jumped at the loud knock resounding from the door.

"Hello?" A girl called out. I stilled, hovering near the door. It was quiet. "Van?" I reached toward the knob. "I can hear you inside." My breath caught in my throat. "I know you know it's me. Listen, about the kiss...I didn't mean to ambush you like that. I just, come on Van, if you'd been in my shoes, I just thought... I don't know." I leaned against the door, hearing it creak a bit under my weight. My arms were crossed, fingers digging into my arms. That was all she had to say, her footsteps dying down as she walked away.

I tried to swallow, but my throat felt grainy, like I had sand stuck in it. My chest felt like it was tightening up, disabling me from taking a full deep breath.

A kiss. They kissed. Van and this girl. Whoever she was.

A name came to my mind, of course.

Abby.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Van:

I looked at the dead screen of my phone, the only thing that prevented me from calling Carmen and letting her know where we were.

"Guys the response to the singles is massive. You've already made it to Zane Lowe's hottest record list, do you know how big this is? By the time this album comes out, you'll be set lads!" Rich clapped his hands together. "Appearances on the radio, television, a tour. It's coming together faster than we thought it would."

"Didn't have much faith in us?" I asked.

"Oh no Vanny boy, it's never been like that. I'm just saying. You've gotten more attention than any artist we've worked with in a while, this fast."

I looked over at Bondy, who twisted his mouth and pulled his cap down. I tapped my fingers together. "Rich mate, I meant what I said about what we were looking for. We're out for the ultimate high."