Ladies and gentlemen and none binary legends, here is the 'homophobia and self harm' warning on this chapter.

Just letting you know that none of these actions in this chapter should be supported or advertised and that nothing of this is representing my own opinion on this matter.

Yeah now that everything is fine and protected....let's get down to business!

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He always knew how he felt about him.

He always knew that...

He noticed how his heart skipped a beat whenever their eyes met.

He noticed how his skin tingled under his toutch even tho it might be unintetional.

Yes he knew all that but he choose to ignore it.

Because it couldn't be.

Because he knew it was wrong.

Darkness filled Jisung's room, late at night. Only his phone screen shined onto the boys face, revealing his soft features.

Jisung's eyes were focused on the small screen in his hands, watching it wide eyed.

The video that was playing on his phone was from their latest dance practice. More specifically it was a fancam of it and even more specifically it was Lee Minho's fancam.

The younger seemed to be fully absorbed into the short clip of his bandmate until all of sudden it was like someone turned a switch in the boy's system.

"Shit", hissed Jisung quietly while tossing his phone to the side.

His hands got shaky finding their way into his hair, pulling it despairingly.

It wasn't his first time watching this video. No, it definetly wasn't.

He had been spending the last hour with watching a lot of different fancams of the older.

He told himself that it was to improve his own dancing but everytime he catched himself drooling over the boy, his expression darkened.

He knew he had to stop his thoughts. He knew it was wrong but everything he wished for in this very moment was Minho's lips on his own.

He slowly brought his fingers towards his lips, trapping them lightly.

"Shit! Stop it!", Jisung screamed at himself, hitting his own head against the wall.

He was breathing heavily while tears escaped his eyes, slowly streaming down his cheeks.

"You damn fag!", he screamed again while colliding with the wall again.

"Why can't you be normal just one fucking time?". And again his head hit the wall and this time his forehead started to bleed.

"You...you disgust me so much...so much", he said in between sobs, curling up into a small ball.

"Hey, hey Han wake up! It's late!". It was Chan's voice coming from outside. The older was banging on Jisung's door.

Jisung groaned sleep-drunk and started rubbing his eyes. He must have fallen asleep in an uncomfortable position last night since his back was killing him right now. Still he was suprised that he got any sleep at all.

"Hey Jisung if you're not gonna wake up, imma come inside", Chan warned from the outside. "3....2....1..."

Before Jisung could react, the door bursted open.

"Goodmorning you late riser!", Chan said while looking at Jisung.

"Morning", Jisung mumbeled in a small voice, keeping his head down for Chan not to see his wounded forehead and puffy eyes. Chan didn't seem to notice his behaviour. He probably blamed it on the boy's lack of sleep caused by his phone addiction.

"Cmon Sung! Minho made breakfast for everyone", Chan said before leaving Jisung's room again.

Minho....there it was again. His thoughts wandered back to yesterday and his emotional outburst.

How pathetic....he laughed about himself.

He stood up walking towards the bathroom. As he looked at the mirror, he saw the mess he was. His hair was bending into every direction, while his face was swollen with puffy, red eyes. The bruises on his face ran across his whole forehead. And the crust of the blood was sticking everywhere.

Jisung hated himself. He looked pathetic, weak.....miserable.

He felt gross.

Minho he was the opposite. Minho was beautiful, Minho was perfect.

But he, he was just an disgusting fag, drooling over Minho like a starving dog.

How pathetic.....

He can't let them know. He can't show them how pathetic he was. He would rather die than letting them see.

After washing up he put on a beanie, covering his forehead before walking into stray kids living room that also functioned as everyones dining place.

Everyone was already seated at the big, round table, enjoying their meal.

Jisung quickly joined them, placing himself beside Seungmin.

Minho sat on the other side of the table, giving him a small smile followed by a short "Morning Sungie".

"Morning", Jisung replied while looking at his food infront of him, not even trying to give his voice the slightest amount of color. Meanwhile his head was going crazy.

"Is someone in a bad mood or what", Minho commented chuckling lightly. Gosh his laugh was like music in Jisung's ears. The way his lips curled upward and his eyes began to sparkle, had to be the most beautiful thing ever.

Jisung was yet again immersed in Minho's present as his eyes wandered up and down the pretty boy, taking in as much as he could of the sight.

Seungmin nudged him into his side.

"Hey wake up buddy, you are starring", he whispered.

Jisung almost jumped. He quickly focused on his food again.

Why, why, why, just why was he feeling like this.

He was in love.

He was deeply in love with the boy infront of him.

He was deeply in love with Lee Minho.

That was his first time really admitting it.

His appetite was long gone. After 10 minutes he left the table with his food still untoutched. He excused himself, saying that he would go take a shower.

Reaching the bathroom, he

shut the door behind him and sank to the ground.

He wanted to go.

He didn't deserve this.

He felt so lost and confused.

He felt so disconnected to his body.

He was clueless what to do.

Since he can remember, his parents always told him that being gay was something unnatural and disgusting. His father would sometimes point at gay couples at the street and tell him "If he would be my son, I would kill him. Don't ever talk to people like that Jisung. People like this only deserve death Jisung. Remember that!".

Jisung remembered everything. Every word of his father was vivid in his mind.

He was dead silent while one single tear rolled down his cheek.

His lower lip was trembling, while he pushed himself upwards. He went over to the bathroom shelf, grabbing the razorblade from the counter.

He held it in his shaking hands, looking down at it. He slowly sat down again and leaned against the shower.

"I don't feel so good", he whispered into the emty room.

"I love you Minho hyung", he said while lowering the blade on his arm.

"Why did you have to do this to me Minho hyung", he said while cutting into his arm. The sharp pain stings through his whole body.

He whinced in pain and his body was shaking. Still he held onto the blade pushing it deeper and wider.

"I am sorry", he cried.

"I am so sorry. It's not your fault"

His cries grew more silent as his breathing got heavier and unsteady, watching the blood flood out of his arm, leaving everything red.

He was scared.

He was so scared.

Would noone help him?

Can anyone help him?

He felt lonely.

"C-Channie hy-hyung", he called out but his voice was barely audible.

"I-I don't feel so good hy-hyung.

It's cold....i-it's so cold....", he whimpered while everything around him got blurry.

The last thing he heard was someone entering the bathroom, rushing towards him. After that everything got black.

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This time I tried a different writing style than usual. I know it's not perfect but I wanted to try something new.

Let's see if there will be part 2

Also I originally didn't want to post this before I post road not taken part 3

but honestly I am kinda stuck at that story....I wrote like a 100 words already for part 3 but now I am stuck sooo yeah....