word count: 7.8k

warnings: guns, gunfire, physical abuse, poison (kinda), all the stuff that happens in minimal loss and u should probably have a good understanding of what happens in this episode because i don't explain every single thing

based off of this concept from tumblr!!!!

"i don't even really understand why we're going to the ranch. there's allegations of sexual assault in a cult. that's not really what we deal with."

spencer just gives me shrug, buttoning his cardigan and straightening his tie in the mirror. "i'm not really sure either but this is just what we were told to do. it beats sitting and doing paperwork all day."

"you love doing paperwork," i call out his bluff, just getting another shrug in response but in the reflection of the mirror, i can see him smirking. "i hate paperwork but i'd rather be doing that than going with some random stranger to investigate a cult."

"baby," spencer turns around and comes to the bed where i'm sitting, placing his hands on my cheeks, "i know you don't wanna go but hotch says we have to. but it's gonna be okay. we'll just go, talk to some people, and then come home. that's all."

i pout up at him and place my hands atop his. "i'd just rather be sitting at a desk all day."

"yeah, i know," spencer leans down and presses his lips to my forehead. he hesitates before he speaks again, and when he does, i find myself wishing that he had decided to keep his mouth shut. "we've had a long last few weeks. i know you're still thinking about that case from two weeks ago-"

"please don't," i move his hands off my cheeks now, sliding past him and walking towards the closet to grab my shoes. the images of spencer bleeding with a black eye come to mind and suddenly, i can't see him without his injuries. even when i turn around to glance at him once more, i see the shadows of bruises and bloody cuts.

i'd been so successful in trying to forget how wrong the case went two weeks ago, and how my tiny bit of exhaustion got spencer injured. i swept over a room and called clear without really paying attention because i was just too tired to look over every crack and crevice (and a closet) in a bedroom. and when spencer went in the room ten minutes later to investigate, the unsub jumped out and got the upper hand on him. spencer wound up to be okay and went home with cuts and bruises, but i felt guilty. i still feel guilty.

he went home and complained about his black eye and was disinfecting bloody cuts for a week. the bruise is gone now and the cuts are healed, but every now and then he starts to bleed and complains his under eye hurts. and it's all my fault. it's because of me. i caused him all that pain.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i shouldn't have brought it up," spencer breathes out as he watches me hastily pull on my shoes.

"yeah, you shouldn't have," i snap, breezing past spencer and grabbing my keys and my bag from beside the front door. my anger is not being sent to the right place and it's completely unfair to spencer. i should be angry at myself and not spencer, but history proves that it's easier to blame emotions on other people than on yourself. "if we don't leave now then we're gonna be late."

"wait, wait," spencer grabs my hand before i can open the door. "i'm sorry, okay? i didn't mean to bring that up. i know you're still upset about it."

"i just don't want think about that when we're gonna go have to do work. being distracted is what got you into that mess two weeks ago and i'd like to avoid that happening again." i don't really mean to sass him. after all, i should be coddling him and giving him endless affection because his injuries were my fault. but i already showered him in love when he was in the hospital and now i just want to forget it happened. i want to forget that i caused the love of my life pain because i was tired.

spencer follows me out of the apartment silently and allows the silence to follow us throughout the car ride and it continues even as we meet nancy lunde, the real child victim expert, and she drives us to the ranch.

i'm not sure if nancy can feel the tension throughout the car ride and as she lectures us on information we already know, but if she does, she doesn't make it obvious. i can feel the thick tension from spencer in the backseat, and i want nothing more than to go home and cry and lay in bed. i don't want to be here. i don't need to make another mistake to let spencer get hurt. but he swears this will just be talking with the leader of the "church" and then we can go home.

we meet with benjamin cyrus right outside the ranch and introduce ourselves. i can feel spencer's hand so close to mine, knuckles brushing with every swing of our arms, and when nancy and cyrus both aren't looking, his pinky finger brushes against my knuckles as if to say i'm here and i love you. for some reason, it helps.

"right this way," cyrus points towards the doors to the chapel, and nancy and i head up the stairs as spencer and cyrus talk about solar power. of course, spencer always has to open his mouth and start showing his smarts. he even did it when pointing out that cyrus was quoting benjamin franklin and not the bible, like nancy had thought.

we find ourselves in the classroom, meeting with a mother and a daughter who have already seated themselves at a table, ready to talk. i sit across from them and introduce myself and spencer, and i feel spencer leaning on the back of the chair i'm in. having him close is nice. it brings my heart rate down. maybe i overreacted this morning. he was just trying to be helpful and just accidentally said the wrong thing. how could he have known that i'm not capable of talking about when he got hurt? i lean back in my chair so spencer's hand brushes against the back of my neck, this time sending my own message of i'm here and i love you.

"we go to school, we do our chores, and we treat ourselves and other with the respect god commands," jessie boasts about the sept, her hands crossed on the table like an obedient child. her mother stands over her in the same protective way spencer stands over me.

i question jessie about her life and reassure them that we aren't here because of their religious beliefs. and then jessie decides to drop the bomb on us that she is married to cyrus and that her mother gave consent for her to marry him. she's fifteen and married to benjamin cyrus. spencer and i are twenty five and have been together for four years and we're not ready to commit to marriage. but a fifteen year old can? there's obviously something wrong here. but clearly becomes an understatement as the main event starts to unfold.

and spencer swore this would be an easy day today. he promised me that we would talk and then go home. that's all. but then suddenly there's men storming into the room with guns and screaming for everyone to get up, and i know that this is not going to end well. spencer and i aren't armed and can't reveal that we are not child victim experts and we have no way to defend ourselves.

the men pat us down, checking for weapons, as cyrus quizzes us about some raid that is apparently about to take place. but the utter confusion is far too apparent on our faces for cyrus to think we knew. so he urges everyone into a hatch in the corner of the room that goes down into some sort of dingy storage basement in a system of tunnels.

as we're all crowded into this tiny room, i turn to spencer with the panic evident on my face. "what's going on?" i whisper through gritted teeth, wrapping my arms around my midsection protectively. i would much rather wrap my arms around him, but that's too inappropriate for right now. any wrong move and these men could kill us.

"i don't know," spencer whispers back, rubbing his hand up and down my arm, "i guess we just try to stay calm."

there's children sobbing and guns piled up against the wall and gunfire echoing all around us and my heartbeat speeds up again. this isn't going to end well. spencer and i can grab two of the guns that they have here, sure, but there's too many of them for us to overpower them. we'll just have to wait it out, i suppose. that's the worst option to have.

"god will protect you," is what cyrus leaves everyone with as he goes upstairs to try and solve whatever issue this is.

i start to feel calmer after a moment, as calm as i can with this new life or death situation i've been put in, especially with spencer rubbing my arm. but then nancy starts talking about how she's an officer of the state and can talk to the agents outside and no matter what spencer and i try to do to prevent her from leaving, she goes upstairs anyway. she never comes back.

"spencer, this is insane," i murmur, getting shoved up against his chest as a child unknowingly nudges me and goes running for her mom. the pushing and shoving never stops with this many people in this tiny room. "they're shooting at the cops now and lunde is dead. we can't do anything. this is horrible."

"we can talk," spencer pulls me closer to prevent me from continuously getting pushed, almost completely resting against his chest. "all we can do is try to talk them out of whatever it is they're trying to do."

"that's not gonna work," i shake my head, looking over my shoulder at the man with the gun, pacing in front of the hatch. i know that spencer lives by gideon's advice of a profiler doesn't need a gun to take down an unsub, but i happen to disagree. talking down an unsub that has a gun means you're going to get shot and can't defend yourself. he's spent years trying to make me understand gideon's sentiment, but i have never understood.

now that the state police agree to pull back, cyrus allows everyone to move elsewhere, but forces spencer and i to stay in the tunnel with armed men guarding us. as if we really need that. what does he think we're going to do if we're not guarded?

all i can do is hope and pray that this is already on the news and that the team is on the case. because if nobody is aware of what's going on here then spencer and i won't get out of here alive. the more i think about that, the more i start to panic. we may not live to see the sun rise again.

that hits me hard and i have to take a seat, collapsing against the wall and pulling my knees up to my chest. i close my eyes and focus on calming my breathing yet again. i have to keep calm. i have to keep a level mind.

"are you okay?" i hear spencer's voice in my ear as he moves to sit beside me. "well, we're not really okay but you know what i mean."

"just panicking a little," i force out. "a little nauseous, kinda lightheaded, totally about to lose my shit."

"i know, i know," spencer coos, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his chest. "the second i get a chance to talk to cyrus, i'm not gonna let him get away from me. this needs to end before more people die."

time goes by of spencer and i sitting in silence. cyrus never comes back down and the man guarding the hatch keeps his eyes locked on us at all times. i sit as close as i can to spencer without being completely on top of him, and even resort to holding his hand behind our backs. anything to keep us grounded helps.

and then we're being led back into the church and lurk in the back behind the last row of pews, watching as rossi comes through the front door and starts speaking with cyrus. i don't think i've ever been so happy to see rossi and i don't think i've ever had to try so hard to not let out a sigh of relief. this isn't over, but the bau is on the case and they are just outside the ranch and that means our odds of getting out of here alive just went up. i'm sure that the supplies rossi just brought are bugged so they can get ahold of the situation in here. thank god.

there's not much to do right now besides observe everyone's body language and take note of what cyrus is doing. and we notice the way that jessica looks at and acts towards cyrus, and we know it doesn't line up. in spencer's words, she worships him. there's absolutely no way she could call the police on cyrus. then jessica's mother appears and it becomes all too obvious.

jessie's mother called the police because she doesn't approve of her relationship with cyrus. i noticed her frigid body language and her uncertain look earlier when jessie mentioned being married to cyrus. but at the time, i couldn't think much of anything besides the men with the guns.

"drink to acknowledge him and i will guide our way," cyrus announces once everyone has a cup of wine in their hands. some people sip and some people just down the whole cup, and when cyrus suddenly announces that they've all drank poison, i know most of those who chugged their drink completely regret it.

"no way," i whisper, my jaw almost falling slack at this revelation. pulling a jim jones never seemed to be in the cards for cyrus and i immediately know something is not right. well, obviously there's more than just one thing that's not right. but as soon as cyrus reveals the poison secret, his eyes narrow and he starts scanning the crowd for reaction.

"i think he's bluffing," spencer speaks my thoughts before i can verbalize them. "right after he told them they took poison, he waited for them to react. then he nodded to cole and he started writing."

i hadn't noticed the detail about cole, but as spencer points out that they're writing down the names of those who are upset, it makes even more sense. it's a test of faith, i think at the same time cyrus says it. he quickly lets them know that there was no poison and starts going on and on about something i don't care this listen to. everything this man says is bullshit anyway.

i look up at spencer with the most desperation i can force into my expression. i want so badly to kiss him, to tell him i love him one more time, to throw my arms around him and squeeze as tight as i can until he complains that he'll lose his pudgy tummy if i keep squeezing and then i won't wanna lay my head on his tummy if it's not pudgy. i'll have to remind him that i'll love his tummy no matter what it looks like and, of course, follow my point with a few pokes around his belly button. that would elicit the cutest giggles that a human has ever made as spencer tries to swat my hands away. i would kill to experience that moment right now, considering something new happens every millisecond. one moment the state police is shooting and then cyrus is claiming everyone took poison and then children are crying and it's all too hectic. i need to remind spencer how much i love him, but i just can't. letting cyrus know about our relationship could be catastrophic and who knows how he could use that against us.

spencer and i are back in the basement in no time, plopping down in the spots we were in before. it's just silent. it's silent as we fight off words of love and as we, but spencer more than me, run through every possible scenario that could go down. there's so much to say but absolutely nothing that would be acceptable. i just want to scream at spencer and tell him how much i love him, but i can't. i just can't.

when the hatch opens once more, i hesitate when i look up. part of me hopes that if i don't acknowledge any unfolding situation then it will just go away, even though i know that's illogical. i don't want to face the new event that is obviously about to unfold. i just want to reverse time so i can wake up this morning and drag spencer back to bed and kiss him all over and ensure that we don't go on this stupid interview that got us into this mess.

"which one of you is it?"

my head does pop up at this, but i immediately lock eyes with spencer instead of cyrus. i don't want to assume what cyrus asking but i have an assumption that would end in nothing but tragedy.

cyrus pulls a gun from his belt and holds it at his side. "which one of you is the fbi agent?"

the cat is out of the bag. of course it is. what could make this situation worse? absolutely nothing. nothing could make this worse than having cyrus found out one of us is an undercover fbi agent.

spencer gives me a subtle look as if to say i'll handle this and then turns to cyrus. "what makes you think one of us is an fbi agent?" really, spencer? that's all you've got?

cyrus sighs, as if this is no big deal, and cocks the gun, lifting it up to spencers forehead. "god will forgive me for what i must do."

no, no, no. this can't happen again. spencer is about to get killed and i can't let him get hurt again. i have to protect him. i think back to seeing spencer getting punched and thrown up against a wall and i think of him sitting in the emergency with tears rolling down his cheeks when the pain around his eye gets unbearable. i can't let him go through that again. i can't let him get hurt. i can't let him die. i have to save him. i have to save him. i have to save him.

spencer gets flustered at this, for a good reason, and starts to stumble over his words. "i-i don't know what you're talking about." i can see him fighting the impulse to look at me.

"one of you does. who is it?" cyrus' voice is scarily calm for someone who's threatening to shoot a supposed federal agent. but i know it's the calm before the storm and that only makes my fight or flight activate. i have to fight. i can't let spencer get hurt again. i can't let spencer get hurt. i need to protect him.

when cyrus' finger gets impossibly close to the trigger, my heart jumps. "it's me," i speak a bit too urgently, and when cyrus drops his gun, i let out a small sigh of relief. but the relief doesn't last for more than a millisecond because cyrus grabs onto my hair and drags me away, leaving spencer shouting my name and screaming to let me go. but his desperate screams get further and further away as cyrus drags me further and further away until i can't hear spencer anymore.

once we've gotten to some other room, i don't even know where, cyrus throws me down to the ground and lays a sharp slap across my cheek. i've felt worse pain, yes, but there's more important things to worry about than how strong cyrus' slap was. spencer is safe now and all i need to worry about is letting the team know that i can take it. cyrus taunts me and calls me names but all i'm focusing on is telling the team that i can take it and hoping they know what i mean.

cyrus throws me against walls and breaks a mirror and kicks me to the floor, and i can take it. but my breaking point is when he punches me in the ribs and then kicks my stomach, letting me drop in a heavy heap to the floor, cradling my stomach in my arms. my body is trembling and i don't think i could move if i tried. my head starts pounding and everything aches and my stomach is gurgling and i just want to see spencer again. spencer. spencer.

some man drags me upstairs and ties my arms behind my back, only eliciting more groans of pain from me. and i just lay there for hours and hours, waiting for something to happen. for anything to happen. for rossi or hotch to give an order to breach or for cyrus to come back to finish the job or for spencer to come and wrap me up in his arms. for absolutely anything.