warnings: emotional cheating, infidelity, cheating, completely unedited so i'll eventually go back and make some small changes

word count: 6k

based off of speak now by taylor swift

"so are you ready for the big day?!"

a smile seems to force itself onto my face. i try to convince the expert profilers around me that i'm totally fine, that my impending nuptials are bringing me an endless amount of happiness and an excitement for the life that i'm shaping up to live. the smile kind of comes, but everyone else's falls.

"oh no, what's the face for?" morgan rushes out from his seat at his desk.

penelope is sitting on my desk with a panicked look on her face, eyes wide and jaw dropped. "no, no, no, i refuse to entertain any cold feet! get some damn socks on!"

"cold feet?" jj echoes, as if to encourage me to tell them what's going on.

"no cold feet," i rush out, trying to soothe their worries. "nothing is— i have warm socks on, penny," i pat her knee but it doesn't do much.

"actually," spencer pipes up from his desk after being quiet for a suspiciously long time, "47% of grooms and 38% of brides get cold feet before their wedding. 20% of engaged couples never make it all the way to the alter."

all eyes turn to spencer with his jarring statistics but he's just staring right back at me, his eyes shining and his lips pulled up into a cute, unsure smile. i tear my eyes away from him.

"thank you, dr. reid," emily breathes as if to say, thanks for that negativity now stop talking. "but there's no cold feet here," emily looks directly in my eye, trying to send me some silent signals that i don't understand.

"nope!" i chirp, popping up from my seat and starting to collect my things. "no cold feet here. i'm wearing my heaviest winter socks and i didn't get a chance to answer your question properly, morgan," i throw my purse over my shoulder, drape my jacket over my arm, and turn to my coworker. "everything is ready for the big day, including me and collin. i've got my dress, i've got the venue, i've got the guy. i'm all good! and i'll see you all there next week. i'm going home now."

and with that, i turn on my heel and rush out of the bullpen and into the elevator. the silence of the elevator allows me to let my mask fall, the tears immediately filling my eyes. i take a few deep breaths to try and calm myself down but a tear slips out of my eye before i can stop it.

the elevator doors roll open at the basement floor, bringing me out to the parking garage. but of course, i can't just cry in my car in peace because spencer is standing right in front of the elevator, smiling at me in that stupidly adorable way he does. i huff out a heavy breath when i step out of the elevator, standing right in front of him. "the stairs must be faster than the elevator."

"why are you crying?" spencer asks bluntly, taking a step towards me.

"i wasn't crying."

"you're lying to a profiler?"

"spencer," i snap at him without thinking, my eyes tearing up again, "not now, okay?"

he looks hurt, understandably, his eyebrows turning down and his lips pouting. "i'm just worried about you. you swore that you didn't have cold feet but it's seems like—"

"i don't," i cut him off again and decide to just walk past him, heading in the direction of my car.

"if you don't wanna marry him, then don't," spencer finally says.

my feet halt, landing me right in the middle of the parking garage, putting me in the way of any passing cars. "why would you say something like that?"

"because," i hear him step closer, but he pauses. he lets out a breath and i can only imagine he's fiddling with the strap of my satchel. "i miss seeing you happy. collin doesn't make you happy."

i whip back around to look at him, my face red hot with anger. "what do you know about making me happy?"

spencer visibility gulps. he's never really been good with anger but my emotions are so out of wack that i can't seem to take his into account. i just let my anger blind me, my anger over everyone constantly asking about my rapidly approaching nuptials and my anger over nothing ever going my way.

spencer shifts back and forth on his feet for a moment. i watch him with trembling fingers and tears pooling in my eyes and my knees threatening to buckle. and nothing could prepare me for what spencer decides to murmur under his breath, something i never would have expected to come out of his mouth.

"when i put honey in your tea, it makes you happy."

we stare at each other in dead silence for a few seconds before i really process that that's what he decided to say to me. my eyebrows furrow almost painfully. "what?"

"honey in your tea makes you happy," spencer repeats, less quietly with increasing confidence. he stands up straighter and squares his shoulders. "happiness for you is halloween sweaters at home, buying a souvenir from every state we go to on cases, having a pint of tonight dough ice cream every friday, going on a two mile walk every morning and then drinking that cup of tea with honey, bouquets of red roses, sleeping in a cold room, your moms fudge brownies and your dads chicken parmesan, your—"

"why?" i cut him off, dragging my fingers through my hair dramatically. "why are you saying this?"

spencer steps closer to me and i take a step back, not wanting him so close right now. "shoe shopping makes you happy. and reading magazines with penelope makes you happy. and coming to my apartment on the weekends to show me movies i'd never even think of watching and to share a blanket on the couch and to make cupcakes and—"

"spencer!" i exclaim, completely losing my temper at him. but he doesn't flinch at my tone. he steps closer. his resistance to my anger only breaks me down further and tears start to drip from my eyes. "what are you trying to say?"

"i'm saying," his voice is calm again, "that you're not happy. collin doesn't make you happy in the way that i do."

i shake my head at him and let out a sob, covering my face with my hands. "please stop."

"i see the way you are with him," he grabs onto my wrists, trying to tug them away from my face but i don't let him succeed. "you never smile when you're with him. you didn't even seem excited when you told us that he proposed."

"i love him, spencer. i love collin."

"sure," it comes out as a scoff, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "it's really obvious."

i pull my hands away from spencer's grasp and wipe my tears away. "i need to go home. i have to—"

"plan a wedding?" spencer tried to finish for me, very accurately ending my sentence.

"i have to get home to my fiancé," i reply weakly, my lips quivering. "i need to get home to the man who actually loves me."

spencer's eyebrows furrow in some sort of cruel confusion. "who said i don't love you?"

i almost crumble to the floor. my knees start to buckle and the only thing keeping me up is spencer's arm that quickly flies around my waist, pulling me against his chest. i don't have the wherewithal to push him away again so i just cry into his chest, reveling in the way he holds me so delicately and holds me like i matter to him. he brings one hand to the back of my head to hold me close, dropping his satchel to the floor to get the best grip on me.

"i'm sorry," he whispers in my ear, gripping my blouse. "i'm really sorry."

"i'm getting married," i breathe out. "i'll have a husband in a week. why are you saying this now?"

"i thought my time passed. i thought you didn't love me."

i lift my head, showing spencer tears rolling down my cheeks. he pouts at me, dragging his thumbs across my skin to dry them. his touch feels so warm and welcoming and so incredibly loving that it's actually painful to be in his presence. but he's been like that for five years.

for five years i've had to work with this godlike man, seeing him more than my own family and spending countless night in hotels with him. we have cried together and laughed together. we share trauma and understand each other on a level unlike anything either of us experience with the other members of the team. i can confidently say that he is my best friend and the only person who truly knows me.

but i joined this team just one year after a traumatic incident including spencer and a geneticist. i eventually got penelope to tell me all about what happened with maeve and her stalker, and from then on, i knew spencer would be emotionally unavailable. he was still in love with her, i thought, so he could never love me. and through the years, no matter how close we got and no matter how strong my feeling got, i never let myself completely fall for him. he had to stay at a distance.

when i met collin, i convinced myself to fall in love with him. and it worked. my friend introduced us and he seemed like the perfect guy. but he never had dorky glasses, an insane mind that could recall any fact at any time, three phds, and he never had that perfect smile that could make any dull day bright. he never had what spencer had. but he should have been perfect and i wanted him to be perfect, so i stayed. so i moved in with him. so i ignored all the times he cheated on me. so i accepted his rushed proposal. i looked past everything that was wrong just to see the little bit of good, even when there was none.

all because the stupid genius with the pretty smile made me feel more alive than anyone else had before.

and now i'm in over my head and i can't get away. i'm engaged to a man who i don't really love and who doesn't seem to love me, judging by the amount of times i've caught him being unfaithful. i'm in love with my best friend and my coworker who never made a move on me. i'm stuck with a huge wedding that collin's parents paid for. i'm stuck a week away from my wedding, hugging and crying to said coworker in the parking lot.

"don't get married."

i shake my head, backing away. "i can't do that."

"why not?" spencer follows me as i cower. "just come home with me. forget about collin. break up with him, be with me, and you can be happy again."

"i can't," i repeat just in time for spencer to grab my waist again, dragging me against him, so close that i can feel his heart beating under my fingertips. i try to physically push him away but he holds me even tighter. "i can't just run away. i'd feel horrible if someone left me at the alter and i wouldn't wanna do that to collin."

"collin has cheated on you multiple times," i can feel spencer becoming more desperate, losing the cool he managed to keep intact this whole time. "you hate his parents and they don't seem to like you, you've been incredibly stressed ever since you got engaged, i heard you telling penelope that collin's sister chose flower arrangements that you hate and his mother talked you into buying a dress you didn't love, and i can't remember you ever saying one good thing about this wedding. and i remember everything. stay with me and i'll take care of you."

i clutch spencer's soft cardigan and then smooth it down, using my pointer finger to draw a small heart right over his. i know he feels it because his hands tighten on my waist.

"i'm sorry."

i turn and rush to my car. without looking back, i put the keys in the ignition and drive home. i manage to get the red in my face to go away by the time i get into my apartment. i'm expecting to relax with my fiancé as we rapidly approach our wedding date. i'm expecting to be alone with my future husband but that hope is quickly squashed when i get to our apartment and find both his parents are over.

"hi," collin's mother gives me her usual fake smile as i come into the apartment. "make sure you take off your shoes and put that silly gun away. we don't want that anywhere near us or have any accidents happen. then we've gotta talk about next week! i picked up your veil and—"

"my veil?" i whip around, gun already tucked away in the safe and shoes arranged perfectly on the floor. but now my focus is elsewhere, resting on the controlling mother in law in my kitchen. "i told you i didn't want a veil. it's gonna give me a migraine and i don't want a migraine on my wedding day."

"take some painkillers," she replies bluntly. "a veil is a staple and a must-have for a bride. i'm not gonna let my son marry someone who doesn't have a veil. it just won't happen!" she smiles and laughs through it, likes it's no big deal. like her planning my wedding for me isn't offensive and disrespectful. "now get inside. collin and his dad just finished the seating chart and they wanted to show you."

i choke down more tears. "whatever you say."

///

"oh my gosh, you look so beautiful!"

"ivory is a good color on you."

"that veil pulls it all together."

"the flowers look perfect."

my bridesmaids around me are raving about my appearance, but the woman in the mirror couldn't look further from who i am. the veil is, like i predicated, starting to give me a headache, my makeup is too heavy and cakey, my dress is ugly and way too simple and looks like a tee shirt, the bouquet of sunflowers in my hands looks dumb. i hate sunflowers and i hate everything about this day.

collin's sister, the woman who didn't give me a choice about who to choose as maid of honor, throws her arm around my shoulders. "you look like collin's dream wife."

i look like collin's dream wife. not i am collin's dream wife.

"now," she squeals excitedly, "the maid of honor— that's me— says we can't get behind schedule so everyone has five more minutes before we walk down the aisle. everybody, finish up. i gotta go find hoff to walk you down the aisle."

"hotch."

she whips around to face me, eyebrows furrowed and all eyes on me. "excuse me?"

"his name is hotch. not hoff."

she narrows her eyes at me and then leaves the dressing room. that leaves myself, penelope, jj, emily, and tara all alone, doing finishing touches to ourselves before the ceremony begins.

"you really do look beautiful," jj says, coming to my side as i stare at myself in the mirror. "and actually," she reaches onto the coffee table and hands me a thin black box, "spence gave me this to give to you. i don't know what it is but he told me to have you open it alone. so we," jj gestures to the other girls, "are gonna go lineup with the guys and you can see whatever is in there."

"and remember," tara grabs onto my arm and gives me a smile, "we're always going to be here for you, no matter what. we want you to be happy."

her words sound strikingly familiar and they stick with me as the girls file out. and as soon as they're gone, i open the box. inside is a perfect red rose with a small note tied to the stem. and in spencer's beautiful chicken scratch, it reads: do what makes you happy. no matter what, i'll always love you.

there's instantly tears in my eyes that threaten to ruin my makeup, all caused by a single red rose that means more than any detail of this godforsaken wedding.

i don't have time to process my emotions about the rose because there's a knock at my door, lifting my gaze. "are you decent?" hotch teases, poking his head in. "ah, look at you. you look absolutely gorgeous."

"thanks," i stare down at the rose, twirling it between my fingers. "i'm glad you like it."

"but it's your day," he says, picking up my bouquet of ugly sunflowers and handing them to me. i lump the red in with the yellow. "what matters is what you think. do you think you look gorgeous?"

"i think that i," i turn back to the mirror and study my reflection even more, grimacing at the tight updo my hair is pinned in. hotch stands to my left, looking at me in the mirror. "i look like someone's version of gorgeous."

"but not yours?"

"probably collin's moms version of gorgeous. she picked this dress," i smooth down the fabric of the unflattering satin and realize how intense my hands are shaking. "not mine."

"you're not happy with how you look?" hotch asks.

i scoff out a laugh and hang my head. "everyone keeps asking me if i'm happy. i'm so fucking tired of it."

hotch wraps his arm around my waist and then starts to adjust the veil on my head so it lays better. "we all want you to be happy. are you happy right now?"

there's knocking on the door that interrupts us, not allowing me to answer hotch's questions. "time to walk! bridesmaids have just started! we need our bride!" my obnoxious maid of honor shouts. "chop chop, people!"

hotch scrunches up his face. "did you seriously choose her to be your maid of honor over penelope?"

"no," i murmur. "i wanted penelope to be but she— well, we need to go, hotch."

i drop the red rose onto the coffee table, stepping away from the mirror for the first time in an hour. i tug the veil in front of my face and nearly trip over my stupidly high heels, swinging the bouquet at my side. hotch follows behind me, occasionally fixing the train as we walk to the church doors. i'm not even religious.

i should be jumping with joy right now. i should be excited for my future with collin. i should be dying to get inside to say my vows, sign the certificate, and be legally married. i should be grinning from ear to ear but all i can think about is movie night, sharing a blanket, and making cupcakes. my mind is swirling with images of my favorite nerd from our late nights in hotel rooms, laying in a queen sized bed with our sock-covered feet bumping, keeping our voices quiet to not disturb the team members in surrounding rooms as we share our darkest secrets and deepest desires. i remember him crying to me about a bad day with his mother and the next week i cried to him about a fight with collin. we held each other through the hard times and laughed through the rare easy times. since the moment i met him, he was always there for me. he loves me. he will always love me.

"listen," hotch grabs my free hand, squeezing it gently, "i've known you for a long time. all i want is for you to be happy."

a tear drips down my cheek and i pray that he doesn't notice it through the thin fabric of the veil. "i don't think i know what happiness is anymore."

"happiness is easier to find than you think," hotch materializes the pretty red rose and wiggles it into my hand. he places it against the bouquet, wedged between the sunflowers and my body so nobody else can see.

hotch holds his arm out for me to grab onto just as the doors to the church open. everyone is staring at me with these expecting looks, their phones up to take pictures and photos. the photographer is in the aisle, backing up towards the alter as she takes invasive pictures. hotch nudges my arm to get me to start walking in time with the loud organ playing a song that sounds like a death march. collin is at the alter with a velvet suit jacket that i've spent the last three months convincing myself makes him looks handsome, smiling at me with tight lips.

as we walk, hotch leans a little closer to me. "today is your day," he whispers, ignoring the cameras and beady eyes and whispers of those around us. "today is the day where you decide what you want your lifelong happiness to be. don't let anyone decide for you."

"it's too late for that," i breathe, forcing back even more tears. i've cried too much lately.