"so, stella, tell me about your recent case. you don't have to give me every detail, just the important ones. i want to know what your mind was processing before, during, and after going undercover."

i stare at my therapist as she speaks so gently. i take a deep breath, trying to recall what my brain was processing during those moments.

"before, i was nervous. agent winters and i had to make it look like i was kidnapped, which required him hitting me over the head." i take a deep breath. "can i have some water?"

my therapist, camila, looks up from her notepad and smiles. "sure. i'm pretty positive you know where it is, correct?"

i nod and shoot back a smile as i head over to the counter, which houses coffee, tea, and water. i pull out a water cup and press down on the disposal, meanwhile trying to figure out what to say next.

"you know, it's almost like i was calm." i begin as i sit back down. "once i was in there, the hard part was over with. once i was in my little cage, i knew i wasn't alone. i sort of made a friend in there. her name is kayla, while we didn't talk much, but we shared our experiences."

"do you still speak to kayla to this day?"

i shake my head. "i never got her last name. and if i did, i don't remember."

"okay. why don't you tell me what happened when the raid happened."

i sigh and my mind recalls that memory. "i knew they were coming, i just didn't know when. so, once they came in, i wasn't all that surprised. my body rose in fear the moment they started firing shots. i was tied to my chair in the crossfire. one stray bullet to the head and boom, i'm dead. once i got down, my fear subsided, but then i got shot in the leg!" i let out a slight, unmeaningful chuckle.

"so it wasn't the element of surprise, it was the fear of being trapped?"

i nod.

"okay, well, is there anything else that has been happening in your work environment lately?"

i think back to my fight with emily, the slight argument with spencer. i let out yet, another sigh. "yes."

"why don't you elaborate on that for me?" camila asks, giving me a nice smile.

i nod, and continue. "i wouldn't say i'm creating a big fight, but i'm starting to get annoyed and tired all the time. and when someone keeps dragging on a conversation, i often lash out, saying things like i don't want to talk about this right now, or please just stop. and then i walk out of wherever i am, or continue work. also, to add onto the lashing out, at the end of my last case, one of my co-workers kissed me."

i watch as camila's eyes widen when i mention my kiss with spencer. "how did that make you feel?"

i shrug. "i don't know. i like him and all, but i'm worried that it'll interfere with work, and i don't want to ruin a potential relationship with him because of what is going on inside my head."

i watch camila's exhale, and she gives me her schpiel on how i need to just give it time, and then go from there.

"how did you resolve your fights with people?"

"i often went over to them when i calmed down and just apologized. i said that i had a lot going on and that i'm working on it. they understand, i mean we work the same job."

she nods. "that's good. well, i think that's all for today."

"okay, thank you so much, camila." i get up and shake her hand, and as i'm walking out, she calls after me.

"have you been taking the medication that i prescribed you?"

"yes, i have. it's been helping with the headaches." i smile, before opening her large glass door and walking into the main hallway, feeling confident and refreshed.

as i turn on the water and run my hands through the sink, i look up at myself in the mirror. my hair is growing down to my ears, even though i just got it cut a few weeks ago shorter than usual. the bags under my eyes are unusually big, and stubble is beginning to fill around my mouth, even though i shaved 2 days ago.

i've barely slept these past couple of days. i just keep thinking about that kiss with stella. so many thoughts have been running through my head. did she like it? did i do bad? does she feel the same? she kissed back, did she just feel bad for me, or was it in the moment? will there ever be anything more between us?

i break myself from my thoughts as i shut off the water, that had now been running a lot longer than it normally is, and then i turn around to run my hands under a hand dryer.

as i'm walking through the bullpen, i hear many conversations molding into one all around me. as i'm sitting down at my desk, i hear morgan next to me ask, "has anyone seen stella?"

"therapy." i mutter, not looking up from the work in front of me.

"alright well, since it's the end of our shift and we haven't gotten called on a case, the team was going to go out for drinks. you up for it?"

i finally look up at morgan and make eye contact before responding. "i'm not up for it today. thanks though. i have a lot of work to do."

he nods. "okay." he begins to walk away with the team, but then turns around. "oh, and if stella comes back here, tell her that we are meeting at the bar on 3rd if she wants to join us."

"i'll tell her. don't worry."

i watch them leave, and just as i'm about to turn back to my work, stella's desk catches my eye. i think back to when i caught her taking more naproxen than she should be. right now, if she went down to the correct and healthy dosage, she should be through one bottle of the pills, considering it's been about 10 days since that little argument happened.

i look around the office, and in the past 10 minutes, everyone has left. i was the only one in the bullpen. out of sheer curiosity, i stand up from my chair and head over to stella's desk. i try to remember the drawer that she keeps her prescriptions in, and i remember it being a small drawer, almost hidden.

i grab the silver handle on the drawer and slide it open, to find three bottles, 2 of which are empty. i pick one up, and sure enough, it says to take one a day if headaches occur. i let out a sigh and sure enough, with my luck, i hear a voice behind me.

"what the fuck do you think you are doing?"

i turn around and am face to face with stella, eyebrows furrowed. i can see the anger that is spreading across her face.

"stella, i-"

"spencer, don't even try to argue this! there is NO way you can back yourself up here. going through my things is a big invasion of privacy."

"stella, taking more than one of these a day is not okay."

"how is it not okay? and why do you care? it's my body, my choice. what goes in my body is not your decision, spencer." her voice is slowly starting to raise.

"taking more than one of these a day everyday can lead to addiction, stella. addiction isn't something you want, trust me, i would know."

i watch as her eyes begin to become glossy. "spencer, i've grown so dependent on them. without them, i get terrible migraines and can't even see straight. 1 doesn't work. 2 does."

"well maybe if you would've stuck to one and let the pill run its course, you wouldn't be in this mess."

"are-are you seriously blaming this on me?" she looks at me, appalled. this wasn't my intention when i said that.

"no, no stella i'm not trying to blame this on you. trust me, growing physically dependent on drugs isn't a good feeling. i went through it a few years ago-"

"save it spencer. i don't have time for this. if it's just going to end in you shaming me, i don't want to hear it."

she is now full on crying. she shoves her way past me and grabs the few files that are on her desk, and starts to walk out of the bullpen.

"stella, wait! i didn't mean it like that!"

i tried to shout after her, but she didn't even turn around. she pushed open the glass doors and i watched the elevator open almost instantly, knowing i wouldn't make it anyway.

i walk back over to my desk and sit down in my chair harshly, slamming my head into my hands on my desk. why, WHY, do i always screw everything up?

why is it always my fault?

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A/N: TYSM FOR 1K READS!!!!