Beam’s POV (entire chapter)

I was naked, lying on my back, my hands and feet tied to a dirty bed. I tried to scream but I found my mouth gagged. In front of me were three faceless men. They were faceless, but I could sense their sinister smiles and malicious intentions. I recognize Big Papa’s silhouette, but not the others. One of them slowly approaches me, the one holding a knife. I thrashed on the bed in terror. Fear gripped into my entire being as he thinly runs the knife on my neck. It was not meant to cut but I still feel the sharp blade against my skin. I feel something wet, it was blood. The man licked the knife and let out a manic laugh. He pointed the sharp object on my chest, and this time he jabbed it slowly but forcefully. I let out silent scream…

“Beam!” I felt my body shake. “Beam!”

“Beam!” I hear a familiar voice. The scene around me suddenly blurred, and I start to see a ray of light.

“Wake up Beam…”

I woke up with a jolt and let out a big gasp. I clutch my chest and dry heaved. I cannot breathe.

“It’s only a nightmare Beam.” Said the comforting voice... P’Forth’s. His right hand is rubbing my back, the other is wiping the sweat on my temple.

“It’s okay, Beam… just breathe. ” I nod and took deep breaths.

I looked at him, and I suddenly feel alright.

“P’Forth…” I just want to call out his name. To make sure he is real and I’m not dreaming still. “P’Forth…”

“Yes, Beam, it’s me.” We both lay down on the bed. I looked at him and gingerly touched his face, again just to make sure.

“It’s just a bad dream again. Go back to sleep.” He whispered as he held me with his strong arms, and closed his eyes.

It was my seventh night here at P’Forth’s house, my new home. I feel my mood lighten up as I think of the word, home.

I have started to open up to him more these past few days. I am also surprised with myself, I was starting to feel like my normal self again. Though from time to time, I still feel a pang of sadness as bad memories creep their way into my mind.

The second night I insisted on sleeping on the couch in the living room, as I don’t want to bother P’Forth. But he was awakened by my screams in the middle of night. The nightmares that started a few months ago still kept coming. P’Forth wasn’t having any of my excuses and ordered me to sleep on the bed with him.

The third night was the same, but P’Forth was quick to wake me up and comfort me in his arms. I am always wary of physical contact, but with him it’s different. Even just for a few nights, his hug already became all too natural. The nightmares also came less often than before.

But then tonight, the bad dream visited me once more. But I feel okay now. It’s just a dream and P’Forth is here.

I look at the face of the man holding me. His eyes are closed and his breathing is steady. P’ is a really handsome man. As I observe him, I notice the subtle details, his defined cheekbones, the light stubble on his chin, his soft lips.

I just can’t stop looking at his lips. Slowly, I inch my face closer and carefully position my own lips to hover over his. I don’t know why, but I really want to feel it against mine.

But then he slowly opened his sleepy eyes. I was so shocked I quickly closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.

Feeling so embarrassed, I curled up on his chest. Inhaling his pleasant and familiar scent. I feel his eyes on me but I keep my eyes shut.

He rubbed my back a couple of times and I feel him go back to sleep. Back to his steady breathing.

P’Forth. I called out his name again, silently, as I close my eyes.

We hugged the entire night and I slept peacefully.

***

I woke up early, cooked our breakfast and prepared P’Forth’s uniform.

This is the routine that I am trying to establish. P’Forth is taking care of me, so I take care of him also, even in just small ways. Like cleaning the apartment, doing the laundry, cooking, and washing his car and motorbike. These chores are so easy compared to the heavy work we do at the orphanage. At first he was adamant and doesn’t want me to do these things. But I can be stubborn too, and just ignored him.

I can hear him now taking his bath, so I went to make the bed.

“Beam!” I hear him call.

“Yes, P!”

“We’re out of shampoo! Could you get me a new bottle please.”

I got the new bottle of shampoo in the supply drawer, and went inside the bathroom. Absentmindedly, I opened the shower curtain to hand over the shampoo. Then I stood frozen.

He was standing in front of the shower, naked. He looks majestic. My eyes are wide open as I follow the trail of that one special droplet of water. From his wet hair dripping down to his broad muscled shoulder. Down to his chiseled chest… down to his toned abs… down to his…

I gulped hard. P’s semi-hard rod is as noble as his stance right now. I can feel my blood rush to my head. My ears start to feel super hot, I think they’ll start steaming soon.

He cleared his throat and I jerked my head away and threw the shampoo bottle at him.

“Sorry!” I squeaked, three octaves higher than my normal voice, and ran out of the bathroom as fast as I can.

I went to the kitchen and leaned on the countertop for support. Aside from embarrassment, I also felt other things. I looked down on my shorts and saw my erection.

Again, for the first time in a long time, I was aroused. Ever since men started abusing me, I never felt it. I only felt loathing and disgust whenever I see a man naked. But this time, it’s entirely and completely different.

I tried my best to calm down and willed myself to stop my hard on. Thankfully, P’Forth took his time bathing. I was able to compose myself and resumed what I was doing earlier, making the bed.

He went out of the bathroom now wearing a towel over his waist, and started dressing on his uniform.

“I’ll prepare your coffee, P.” I say as nonchalantly as possible, avoiding eye contact.

He just nodded without saying a word.

We had breakfast like nothing happened. I'm glad it looked like it was no big deal for him. We talked like normal.

“Oh, I have something to give you.” He stood up and went to get something on his bag. He handed me a box. “I bought it yesterday, sorry it took so long, I was so busy with work, the stores are already closed whenever I drop by.”

I opened the box, it was a smartphone. “Thank you, P., but you shouldn’t have.”

“No, you should have one. You’re gonna need it. I already entered my number.” He smiled. “I am also on speed dial number one.”

“Thank you.” I smiled as I marveled at my own phone.

“By the way, you won’t be able to see the kids today.” He says.

I have been visiting the kids at the center every afternoon after I finish my chores. Then go home just before five o’clock to prepare dinner and wait for P’Forth.

“I took the afternoon off.” He continued.

“Why, P?” I asked.

“We’ll be buying new clothes for you. You’ve been wearing my old clothes, and they don’t fit you. Too loose.” He smiled again.

But I like wearing your clothes. I want to say.

“But before that, we have to get you enrolled first.” I stopped chewing.

“I’m sorry, P?”

“You’re going to school, Beam.” He explained.

“But it’s alright, P… Well, I was supposed to tell you I’m planning to get a part-time job. I already spoke with the owner of the cafe at the corner of the street.” I told him. “I also promised a couple of neighbors to walk their dogs in the afternoon starting next week.”

“No, Beam. You need to finish school. I called the orphanage and asked for your educational status. It’s good that they provided homeschooling. They weren’t as shady as I thought.” He said.

“But, P… It’s okay really. Tuition fee is expensive. Besides, I want to work.” I retorted.

“No buts.” He said firmly. “Maybe you’ll be in Matthayom 5 or 6, depending on the assessment results.”

[A/N: Matthayom 5 is eleventh grade/third year/junior in some countries, Matthayom 6 follows.]

“You need to finish your education, Beam. Don’t worry about anything.” He said with finality, and ruffled my hair.

I just nodded. Actually, I really wanted to graduate high school, that’s why I plan on saving first before enrolling. I don’t want to burden P’Forth with stuff like this, but here he is. Sometimes I think what's happening is too good to be true.

***

We went to the school and P’Forth worked his way and charmed the school administrators, they’re not supposed to accept students anymore, but there I was already enrolled for Matthayom 5. I was tagged as a transfer student since I came in the middle of the school year. I start school next week.

Then we spent the rest of the day buying stuff for me. P’Forth went overboard and bought a lot of things even if I told him to stop. I feel like a spoiled kid. As much as I want to deny it, I am happy. I feel like I really have a family now.

***

Days went by so fast and it's already been three months. It was still the same routine every morning. I wake up early to cook breakfast and prepare the uniforms, now both P’Forth’s and mine’s.

I don’t have nightmares anymore. P’Forth sends me to a therapist once a week to alleviate my trauma and anxiety. But little did he know that it has little effect on me.

What helped me and healed me most was him and his warm embrace every single night. He still cuddles me to sleep every night. It has become a part of our routine. Even when he comes home very late, sometimes at dawn, often exhausted, I still wake up in the morning in his arms.

It’s still too early, so I went back to bed and lay next to him. I look at him still sleeping peacefully. He came home late last night working on a difficult case. He must be so tired.

I pressed my body on his, and lifted his arms. Still sleeping, he involuntarily shifted and reached to embrace me like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like a sleeping child searching for his favorite hug pillow.

I smiled. I have already accepted the truth. I have already come to terms with my feelings.

I love him. I realized that a long time ago.

But I know it’s not right. He is my benefactor. I know he only looks at me like a little brother. And though I don’t see him dating anyone, I know he is not that kind of man.

***

I hummed as I take the stairs to the apartment. I just came back from my part-time job. Yes, after days of pleading, P’Forth finally allowed me to take the job at the cafe. But he made sure I only work there for two hours a day on weekdays and four hours on weekends.

I’m still thinking about what to cook for dinner as I open the door.

I was surprised. P’Forth was home, and he is not alone. A beautiful woman was busy preparing the table.

“Oh! You must be Beam.” said the woman.

“Yep, that’s him. Beam, this is Pring, my friend. Pring, meet Beam.” P’Forth casually introduced us. I gave P’Pring a wai.

“Hey don’t leave out the ex-girlfriend part!” P’Pring nudged P’Forth playfully. Her eyes twinkled as he looked at P’Forth, and the way P’Forth fondly looks back at her. It’s just...

I ate my dinner silently while both of them happily chattered.

I felt a knot form in the pit of my stomach. They looked really close.

I just realized I only know a little about P’Forth and his past. I know his parents are in the states, and I already met his sister P’Rin, a dentist based in Chang Mai. I also know he is close with his fellow officer, P’Lam. But that was it. I hardly know anything. And somehow realizing this makes my heart heavy.

We finished eating dinner. P’Pring and P’Forth bid each other goodbye. P’Forth kissed her hair and they hugged by the door. Once again, I just realized that P’Forth is really generous with hugs and kisses to everyone.

“See you around, Nong Beam!” P’Pring waved at me, I wai’d at her.

“So, P’Pring is your ex-girlfriend, P?” I asked, trying to be casual as I wash the dishes. But my hands are shaking as I gripped the plate tightly.

“Yeah, she was my girlfriend for three years. But she has to go abroad to work. We tried to make it work, the long distance relationship. But it took a toll on us so we decided break up and just remain friends.” P’Forth’s voice was mellow.

“Is she here for a vacation?” I asked, dreading the answer.

“No. She came back to work here, she was able to request for a transfer. She’s back in Thailand for good!” he answered excitedly.

“Oh…” I answered, my back turned away. I tried my best not to burst into tears. But they fell anyway.

***

A/N: Another long chapter. 😊

Thank you so much to everyone who voted, and added this story to their library. 🙏

I already have a brief outline of the entire book. I’m a sucker for clichè and overused tropes, so please prepare yourselves. 😌

As you notice, I am updating a lot this past few days. It's because I am on holiday break. However, I will be back to work on Jan.2, but I will do my best to update weekly. 😘

I am soooo looking forward to all the upcoming Thai BL series next year!

Again, thank you for reading! I wish you all a great 2019 ahead!

Happy New Year!!!