“Drive faster, Lam!” I shouted to my partner as our police car runs in the busy streets of Bangkok at breakneck speed.

“The car is practically flying!” He shouted through the loud ringing siren.

We are in a high speed pursuit against Big Papa’s men. For some reason, what’s supposed to be a simple arrest operation has become a dangerous car chase. We are now chasing three black cars, and one of them has Big Papa in it. It has to end tonight. This is already our second attempt to capture him.

All of a sudden, I hear loud pops. Gunshots were being fired at our vehicle. People from two of the black cars started shooting at us.

“Damn it! Where the hell is our back up!?” I cursed as I draw my gun, open the window, and start shooting back at one of the car’s rear corners.

I must disable their vehicles. Assessing the situation, I know we are clearly at a disadvantage. It’s just three against two at the moment. We only have two patrol cars chasing these three runaways. Not to mention that the windshield of our car is already cracked.

The next scene all happened too quickly. As the chase reached the outskirts of town, three more black cars suddenly appeared and opened fire using a barrage of heavy weapons. The other police car got hit on the front wheel and swerved right across our path.

Lam hit the brakes hard and our car screeched to a halt, bumping on the other patrol car. Lam and I hurriedly got out of our vehicle, the other two officers got out of theirs as well. Both cars are wrecked.

Speechless, we can only look as all six cars gain distance and completely disappear into the night.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I cursed as I aggressively kicked the car’s front tire.

“Forth.” Lam spoke calmly as he stared at my arm. “You’re shot.”

I gripped my shoulder as I start to feel the sting on my arm. The sleeve of my jacket felt wet, it was blood.

“Fuck.”

Lam immediately called the medics, and then called the headquarters to report on what transpired.

I look at my watch.

I can only think of Beam. It’s his birthday today. I promised him we would have dinner together.

***

I stirred as I slowly wake up from an unplanned nap. I had fallen asleep on the table. I checked the time. It’s already one o’clock in the morning and he hasn’t come home yet. I look at the table with the special dinner I have prepared. It’s my eighteenth birthday and he said he wants to have dinner together at home.

I sighed as I slowly packed the food in containers and put them in the fridge. I glanced at my phone, still no replies or callbacks. I probably called him more than twenty times already. My flood of texts still unread. I’m starting to worry, something must have happened. Or maybe he was just busy and got caught up with a certain case. Or maybe he just... forgot.

I sat on the chair and rubbed my chest. I willed myself not to cry. If I was the old Beam it would be very easy. I have no reason to be upset anyway. It’s not like it’s my real birthday. It’s just the date I was found at the orphanage’s door, and what they put on my personal record. I’m pretty sure I already turned eighteen days ago, or maybe weeks even.

Suddenly I heard keys jiggling. P’Forth is back! I got up and ran to the door.

I let out a gasp as I opened it. His left upper arm is bandaged and he looked so worn out. He has a surprised look on his face.

“Why are you still awake? Did you wait for me?” He asked as he entered the apartment.

“What happened P’? Your arm!” I worriedly followed him.

“It’s just a small gunshot graze.”

“What? How? Why?” I softly grabbed his arm and checked. It looked painful.

“I’m sorry, Beam. I’m sorry I missed dinner.” He said changing the subject. He momentarily had a sad look in his eyes but he immediately replaced it with a smile.

“Happy Birthday.” He greeted as he handed me a box. “We can still sing happy birthday, right?”

It was cake.

“I’ll just change, and then we’ll eat it.” He smiled as he entered the bedroom.

I am a bit worried with his arm but I am still happy. He did not forget and he got me cake.

I prepared the cake. P’Forth lit up a candle and sang to me the birthday song. Then I made a wish. My one and only wish.

We ate in comfortable silence.

“I’m sorry Beam. I’m sorry I missed dinner.” He apologized again.

“Stop apologizing P.” I scolded him. I’m not sure what’s wrong but I’m sensing there something more to his apologies.

“What do you want for your birthday?” he asked.

“Nothing.” I answered. “This is more than enough. Thank you for the cake.”

When we were done, I washed the plates and cleaned up the kitchen. P’Forth went to the bedroom. I’m sure he was pretty tired. I’m still worried about his wound.

I went to the bedroom and saw P’Forth sitting on the bed, pinching his forehead. I sat beside him.

“Is something wrong P’?” I gently asked him. “Is your wound hurting? Do you want to change the bandage?”

He shakes his head.

I know the dangers of his occupation and I always worry every single time he gets home late. But I know he is an excellent law enforcer, he is strong and capable. But still, anything can happen. He is still putting his life on the line every time he is on duty.

“Why were you shot P?” I can’t help but ask.

This time he looked at me in the eye and shook his head. He grabbed me in a tight hug.

“I’m sorry, Beam. I failed.” He said through muffled voice. “I failed to catch Big Papa again. I almost got him but they were too many.”

I rubbed his back and let out a deep breathe. So this is what’s bothering him.

“P’Forth, it’s okay. You will catch him eventually. Justice always prevails P. Don’t be sorry for me. I’m okay now.” I told him reassuringly.

“No, Beam. I promised.” He said.

“No. Stop thinking about it. I don’t want you to put your life in danger just because of this.” I embraced him tighter.

We stayed like that for long time. The love I feel for this man is overwhelming and it hurts me that he is risking his life for me.

“I promised to protect you.” He said as he released me from his embrace.

“P, please. You already saved me. I can protect myself. I’m an adult now, remember?” I say as I give him my sincerest smile.

He sighed, and I took it as an answer.

We both lay on the bed and turned on our sides to face each other. I look at him looking at me. I really want to know what’s going on in his mind right now. I look at his dark smoldering eyes, and I silently say what’s on my mind. I love you.

He slowly lifted his injured arm, just to remove the stray hair on my forehead. I close my eyes as his fingers flutter on my skin. I really want to kiss him right now. If only I am ready to face the consequence of what will happen next. If only I am brave enough to face the rejection that will come right after.

But today is a special day for me. So maybe the heavens will grant me this chance.

I lowered my gaze, and cleared my throat. “Actually…”

“There’s something I… want for my birthday.’ I say in a low voice.

“Hmm? What is it? Tell me.” He asked softly.

“It’s not something.” I answered.

“What is it? You can have whatever you want, Beam. Do you want to go somewhere? Do you want to do something?” He says, smiling.

“I… I think you will get mad at me, though.”

“No, I won’t. Whatever that is.” He assured me.

“Just promise me you won’t get mad.” I said while still avoiding his eyes.

“Promise.”

“Just treat it as a birthday gift. Please don’t get angry.” I said. Not to him, but to myself, for reassurance and encouragement.

“Yes, Beam. Anything you want.” He said.

I will take the risk.

I look at his eyes as I cup his face. Then I kissed him.

It was just a chaste kiss, my lips touching his. And it was over as soon as it started.

I pulled away and slowly opened my eyes, readying myself for his reaction.

His expression is unreadable. There is a questioning look, confusion maybe, but I don’t see anger or disgust. However, he lifted his hand and I flinched as I waited for a punch or a slap. But nothing happened. Instead he ran his thumb over my lips. I looked at him with bated breath.

“I’m sorry.” I say as I swallow the lump in my throat.

He leaned in and our lips meet. I am stunned by his actions. But I quickly regain my composure. He is kissing me.

His lips are soft just as I imagined. But it was strong and in control. I gripped his shirt as I tried to calm my racing heartbeat. He ran his fingers on my hair as he uses his tongue to pry my mouth open. I uttered a delighted moan. His warm breath mingled with mine. This time I start kissing him too, not holding back.

I want it so much and I want it to last. I want it slow and languid, and P seems to understand. This was my first proper kiss and it exceeded my expectations. It was amazing, sensual and captivating.

We were both out of breath as we separate our mouths.

“That’s how you kiss properly, Beam.” He said through ragged breaths.

He slowly got up. “I need to use the bathroom.”

“Okay.” I choked.

I can’t believe what just happened. I tried to calm myself and took deep breaths as I try to tame the erection under my boxers.

A few minutes after, P’Forth came out of the bathroom and lay down on his back.

I turned on my side to hide from him. I cannot explain how I feel right now. Embarrassed and ashamed, but happy and blissful.

“Thank you for the birthday present, P.” I murmured, hoping he hears it.

“Happy birthday again, Beam.” He replied. I cannot see his face but I hope he is keeping his promise, of not being angry. The kiss earlier was far from angry and it's enough for me.

I was still on my side when I hear him shift his position.

“Beam, my arm still hurt, I can’t hold you tonight.” He said and let out a deep breath.

I don't know how to react to that. I really want to know what's going on his mind. He is not asking me anything. Does he know about my feelings?

“It’s okay. Good night, P.” I finally say.

“Good night, Beam.”

If the kiss was the replacement for his embrace, then I will gladly take it. I closed my eyes and forced myself to sleep.

***

My shift at the cafe just ended when I received a text notification from P’Forth. I can’t help but smile as I recall what happened last night. It was the best birthday present ever. It was like a dream.

Our morning went like nothing happened. P'Forth did not say anything about the kiss last night, maybe it was just a dream after all. Our morning routine went as usual. I helped him in dressing his wound. He took a day off but he still went to the headquarters to do his reports.

I opened my inbox and read P’s message.

Beam, I’m already home. Pring is here, she brought dinner. See you.

P’Pring, I can’t help but get upset whenever she’s with P’Forth. They’re not back together. Yet, I can’t stop myself from feeling envious of their closeness. She frequently visits P’Forth and I am sure she still has feelings for him by the way she cares for him. I can see it in her eyes, the longing and adoration. I know she’s trying to rekindle their relationship.

She may not say it to my face but I know she knows what I feel for P’Forth. We see ourselves in each other. But I cannot hate her. She is nice and kind to me. Maybe because she doesn’t see me as a rival or someone worthy of her jealousy.

I open the door to the apartment and looked around. There was no one in the kitchen, even in the living room. I’m pretty sure both of them are home. I looked at the bedroom door, it is slightly ajar. I slowly approach it. I opened it a bit to peek on what’s happening inside.

I stood frozen on my feet. They are kissing. It was deep and intimate. My chest suddenly tightened. I quickly turned my back and closed my eyes shut. I prayed that I’m seeing it wrong. I turned my head to look again and the view hurt me more. They are in an embrace. I took a step away from the door leaned on the wall outside.

“Forth, I don’t want to be your ex-girlfriend anymore. I want our relationship back. Nothing is stopping us now.” I can feel the seriousness in her voice.

“I still love you, Forth. My feelings never changed. Do you still love me?” She asked.

There was a moment of silence.

“...Yes.” His voice was low, but it was loud and clear.

It felt like I was drenched with a bucket of icy cold water. I suddenly hear a loud ringing in my ear. I clutch at my chest. The pain is unbearable.

I felt like a lifeless corpse as I walked away from the bedroom, away from the living room, away from the kitchen. I went out and closed the door of the apartment. I need to get away, as far as I can, away from him.

***

A/N: How are you, dear readers? Sorry if I keep breaking Beam’s heart. But this fic is meant to be like that, it's a slow burn and angsty. Please hold on. It will get better, I promise.

Thank you for reading! ❤