Pring is kissing me. Her familiar lips brought back a lot of memories. Memories of us together. The happy times and the gloomy moments. It was overwhelming and I was too late to realize I was kissing her back. Then she wrapped me in a tight hug.

“Forth, I don’t want to be your ex-girlfriend anymore. I want our relationship back. Nothing is stopping us now.”

Her kiss, her embrace, they were all too familiar but they somehow bring a certain kind of ache.

“I still love you, Forth. My feelings never changed. Do you still love me?” She asked.

I contemplate on her question. Do I still love her? Is it love that I feel? Yes. But somehow, deep down in my heart, I know it is not the same love anymore. I am no longer the same person. I have mourned and grieved enough when our relationship ended. This ache, comes from the feeling of knowing that there will never be an us anymore. It’s a love that was long lost over time.

“...Yes.” I answered after a long pause, and Pring gives me a surprised look. As if she did not believe what I said.

I take my time before continuing. “You know I will always love you...”

I can’t explain what I truly feel but I know it’s best to say what’s on my mind. “...but it’s no longer the same love Pring.”

She looks at me. Maybe looking for an answer, and I hope she finds it. Then she finally speaks, and I see a shadow of sadness in her eyes.

“You love me, but you are not in love with me.” There is understanding, but also apprehension in her voice.

Yes, that is the answer. Pring was always better at figuring things out.

“I have moved on, Pring.” This is also the truth.

She removed herself from my arms, and hung her head low. “It’s Beam, isn’t it?”

I was taken aback. “Pring… how… what makes you say that?”

“I have known you long enough to know how you really feel. I can see it in the way you care for him. Your subtle smiles, the adoring looks, the way your face brightens when you talk about him. You used to be like that… with me.”

“Pring, Beam is... I... ” I retorted.

I’m out of words to say so I stay silent.

“You are in love with him, and it is not in a protective brotherly way.”

With my head low, I slowly nod. She hits the nail in the head. It’s no use denying it anymore. “I’m sorry.”

Pring looks at me for a long time as tears start to fall from her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Pring. You know I love you. We’ve been friends for the longest time, you know you are important to me.”

Pring shakes her head. “No Forth, please don’t give me that friendship bullshit. I just can’t right now.”

She lets out a deep breathe. “I’m going to stop now. At least I tried, right?”

“Pring…” I held her hand and kissed it.

“It hurts.” She pulls her hands and gathered her things. “But you know what, I know you’re hurting, too. As much as I want to hate you, I can’t, and I don’t want to see you agonizing over something so simple.”

She walks toward me and placed her hand on my chest. “Don’t fight it, Forth. If you’re going to love again, do it and be happy.”

“I don’t know if I can do it, Pring. He is different. This is so complicated.” I answered.

She just shakes her head. “You’re being stupid, and I can’t help you with that.”

Again, she sighs deeply. “I’m going to stop being your friend for a while. Someday, if I have also moved on, then maybe I’ll see you again.”

I just stood in my bedroom, as she went out the door.

I sat on my bed covering my face with my hand. Pring is right. I am in love with Beam. I don’t know why, or how, or when it all started. I was already mesmerized the first time I saw him. But I have been denying it all along, associating it with overprotectiveness. But the kiss last night just confirmed those feelings. It magnified. I wanted more, I wanted him. My heart was about to burst, the feeling was so intense it scared me. I almost lost control, that’s why I didn’t hold him, I was afraid of what I would have done if I lost my cool.

I miss him. Maybe now is the time to tell him, and ask him about last night’s kiss. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to ask him why. Is it too much to wish for him to love me, too? He only sees me as his guardian, someone to look after him, and nothing more. But maybe, there’s more. That kiss last night gives me a glimmer of hope.

I looked at my watch. His shift should have ended a while ago. Why is he not home yet? I reached for my phone and dialed his number. I jerked up when I heard a phone ringing in the kitchen. So he’s back?

I went to the kitchen only to find his bag on the countertop. “Beam?” I called.

But there was no answer. “Beam? Where are you?”

I looked around, in the living room, the bathroom, and the bedroom. The small apartment felt empty.

Maybe he just went out to buy something? I sighed as I lay on my bed.

***

A notification ring woke me. I just received a text from Lam, something about a case. I look at my watch and realized I fell asleep for two hours. I called for Beam again. He is not home yet. His things are still on the countertop untouched.

Worry starts to creep in on my mind. There is no way to contact him since his phone is here. At this hour, he should be home, sleeping. It’s a school day and his part time job already ended hours ago.

Where did you go, Beam? I can’t think of any reason why. Why did he leave his things here?

I quickly grabbed my car keys, my phone, and Beam’s phone. I need to find him.

***

I went to his school, which is already closed for the night, and asked around. The guards did not see him enter or leave school after class hours. Then, I went to the cafe and spoke with his co-workers. They saw Beam hurriedly left after his shift. I try to remember, and racked my brain on where he could have gone.

I went to the center, his favorite hangout. The children said they haven’t seen Beam this week. Then, I drove around the neighborhood, and then to the places we went to. Still no sign of him. Damn it, it’s already very late. I know he has made a few friends at school, but I don’t have their numbers. I don’t think he has gotten close with any of them yet.

Panic is now replacing my worry. I don’t know what I would do if I lose him. I don’t want to think about it.

I went to the station and asked if Beam dropped by. Of course, he didn’t. I have to wait for 24 hours before I can file a missing person report, and 24 hours is too long.

Where are you, Beam?

I have no choice but to go home.

I am so tired but my mind is still racing. I stopped in my tracks as I enter the bedroom. Beam was on the bed, lying on his side. I can only see his back but I can tell he is not asleep yet. He is still in his uniforms.

“Where the fuck have you been?!!!” I half shouted. I am angry now. Angry but relieved.

He doesn’t answer, so I went and sat on the bed. “Beam! Answer me! Where have you been?”

Still no answer. “I know you’re not sleeping. So why don’t you show your face, and tell me.” I say in a very serious tone. This was the first time I’ve seen Beam acting out.

“Beam!!!”

“Just… somewhere.” He answered in a hushed voice, but loud enough for me to hear.

“Just somewhere? Where the fuck is that somewhere?” I felt miffed. My anger is stewing.

“Did you know I looked for you everywhere? I almost fucking searched the entire city for you! Now tell me!” I am almost yelling now.

I was answered with silence. “Hey! Don’t give me that attitude. I know you’re already an adult now but you are still under my roof. You don’t get to disappear anytime without a word.”

I hear him sniff. Is he crying? “Talk to me, Beam!”

I can’t help but use a bit of force on him to make him face me. I am completely surprised to see his face. It was blotchy, eyes all red. He has been crying.

“I’m sorry.” He says in a breathy voice.

Seeing him like this hurts me. My anger immediately subsided.

“Talk to me, Beam. What happened? Why are you crying? Are you hurt?”

He just shakes his head and laid down again. There’s no point in trying to talk to him at this moment. At least he is safe now. I exhaled out loud.

Lying down, I pulled him closer to me and hugged him. God, how I missed him in my arms.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” I buried my face on his hair. “I was so fucking worried, I panicked. I was so frightened, Beam. I don’t know what I will do if you get hurt again.”

I love you so much. The words that I want to tell him. I want to confess, I want to tell him everything. To let him know he means the world to me. But now is not the right time.

“Just go to sleep. We will talk tomorrow.” Yes, tomorrow, I will tell him, no matter what his answer is, I will tell him.

I embraced him firmly, feeling afraid that he will disappear again.

***

The smell of coffee wafted through the air. I stretched on my bed and realized I was alone. I got up and noticed that my uniforms are already pressed and ready. I went out to the kitchen and saw that breakfast is already set in the table. But I don’t see Beam.

“Beam?” I called. “Let’s eat!”

There was no answer. “Beam?” I checked the bathroom. Empty.

I feel my throat tighten. I went to the bedroom and checked the closet. His uniforms and other clothes were still there. But my clothes, the ones I lent him are gone. It was then that I noticed the bedside table.

His phone was there, placed on top of a paper. It was a letter.

“No.” I rasped as I read it’s content. “No, no... Beam, no!”

My body felt heavy as pain pierced through my heart.

“Beam!” I called out his name. “Beam.” Again, and again as I hug the letter to my chest.

I kneeled on the floor as I start weeping.

***

P’Forth,

I love you.

I love you so much but I don’t know how to tell you. My heart breaks in a million pieces as I write this letter. I fell in love with you a long time ago and I know I have no right to feel this way. I am sorry.

I know you will be happy with P’Pring, and there is nothing more I want in this world than for you to be happy. I know we can never be together, and it’s tearing me apart.

Me leaving is the best way for both of us to carry on. I love you, so I’m letting you go. It is best that we don’t see each other anymore.

Please don’t look for me. I will be alright. I have saved enough money from my earnings. I want to stand on own my feet and become a better person. Someday, if I earn enough, I will repay you for your kindness.

Thank you for saving me, for the second chance. You will always be my saviour, my hero, my angel.

Again, thank you for the kiss. You are my first real kiss and I will treasure it forever.

I love you.

I am sorry.

Goodbye.

-Beam

***